Preparing for Birth

Preparing for birth - both physically and emotionally - looks different for every woman. When does one begin preparation for the birth experience? The start of the 3rd trimester? Week 39? The second there is a positive pregnancy test? Long before that? What does it even mean to “prepare” for birth? Is it simply packing a bag and trying not to think about it too much? Or is it taking a childbirth class, reading a book or writing out a detailed birth plan/wish list?

I want to share with you a little bit about just how I’ve been preparing for birth this time around - because it’s looked a lot different than the first 3 times.

For me, with baby number 1, I spent a lot of time listening to and reading birth stories. (I HIGHLY recommend The Birth Hour podcast to ANY AND ALL pregnant mamas. You can learn soooo much from just hearing other women's experiences!) We also took a childbirth class at the hospital and I stayed as active as I could, running up until 38 weeks pregnant. I gathered a few “distraction” items for labor, like a head massager and photo from our honeymoon to focus on. I assumed I was totally underestimating how painful my desired unmedicated birth would be and knew I would need some extra help coping, so we also hired a doula. 

Fast forward. I started planning for the birth of my 4th baby the second that I gave birth to my 3rd. I’ve been planning for the birth of THIS baby specifically for almost 2 and a half years. I know it sounds a little crazy, but after my last experience I knew that I wanted things to be different the next time, and that it would take thought, effort and time to make that happen. I’m a planner by nature, but even if you don’t consider yourself to be a planner, preparing for your birth experience (like anything else) can and will allow you to get the most out of your experience - regardless of HOW or where you plan to bring your baby earthside. And by “getting the most out of the experience” I mean coming out of it feeling empowered, confident and supported. (And unfortunately that doesn’t just happen automatically.) Why is this important? Why should it be? Because birth matters. The birth experience MATTERS. How women FEEL/FELT during birth matters. (And it can and will and does affect life after pregnancy/birth.) Because the experience of actually bringing another life into this world IS significant (no matter how or where). There’s no arguing that. 

So here are a few ways I’ve spent the last 2.5 years preparing!

1. Connecting with my body and my cycles - After my previous birth, I felt like I really missed out on that supernatural mind-body connection that we as women get to experience through pregnancy and birth. (This even carried over into my postpartum experience as my body and hormones were SO out of whack and I felt like I didn’t even know my body physiologically anymore.) Not long after the postpartum depression fog lifted, I started listening to fertility meditations, working on having a GRACIOUS attitude towards my periods/natural cycle, what my body is capable of naturally and really diving into self-care. Re-establishing that connection has been huge, both from a pregnancy/birth and non-birth standpoint. Vaginal steaming, fertility meditations and consistent alone time were some of the biggest things, but you can find an even longer list HERE!
2. More meditations (pregnancy/birth affirmations and meditations) - Once I actually WAS pregnant, I shifted gears and started listening to pregnancy/birth affirmations and meditations. I have loved incorporating these meditations into other “relaxation/me” times, (while taking a bath or sitting in Starbucks, laying in bed or sipping coffee while driving in the car by myself). My hope is that during labor, I can turn these on and still associate them with all of the quiet, peaceful, relaxing, self-care times that I have had while hearing these. It also just feels good to let those affirmations wash over me - speaking so positively over my pregnancy, my baby, my body and birth experience.
3. Reading Ina May’s Guide to Childbirth - I really haven’t read a ton of ACTUAL books on birth (despite having spent literally HUNDREDS of hours studying and learning about pregnancy and birth). But it felt SO good to read a book that really reaffirmed my thoughts and beliefs about birth, not to mention just absorbing all of the positive birth energy that this book pours out. Of course a book that speaks positively about what our bodies were literally DESIGNED to do has many benefits. But it really just felt like sitting down with a very close like-minded friend. One that says “Yes, I totally agree! Amen! Yes! You’re right! You’re not wrong for feeling that way! This is why you feel the way that you do.” Something like that anyway...
4. Establishing a solid birth team - This time it was important to me to know and be familiar with those who will be sharing my birth space with me. I have handpicked each one of these people who will come alongside me, guide and support me throughout my labor and birth (and pregnancy and postpartum). I have spent a lot of time with them and know and love and trust them. (And they know me as well.) They will be there to support me and hubby, and to help HIM help ME! (Side note: I had a doula present for my first and second births, but not for my third - all of which were hospital births. I will never ever give birth without a doula present again. I cannot stress enough just how beneficial it is to have that kind of additional support during the birthing experience.)
5. Diet/exercise - I’ve tried to establish/maintain a healthy-ish diet and stay as active as I can this pregnancy. The last time, with baby #3, everything went to hell and a hand basket and my life was completely upside down. Not eating well and not being active AT ALL (even just going on walks) was not a priority and impacted me on a lot of different levels, including my emotional state AND actual birth experience. This time I tried to be aware of these things throughout the entire pregnancy - in hopes that I am laying a solid foundation physiologically for myself. I have also been much more diligent about taking the vitamins and supplements recommended to me by my midwife. Being conscientious of what I am putting into my body as well as exercising (running, walking, yoga, etc.) has also helped me to feel more connected to my body and my pregnancy. (Please note - whenever I use the word “diet” I never mean “dieting”. I simply mean the compilation/combination/composition of what I am eating.)
6. Working through “baggage”, past traumas, previous birth experiences (both positive and negative), fears and unrealistic expectations with my doula, therapist and midwife - This one is HUGE. And certainly still a work in progress (and probably will be until the arrival of this next baby, at least). But with each birth experience comes new “baggage” - whether in the form of expectations and/or fears (often unrealistic and/or irrational, respectively). After my last birth experience specifically, I have a lot of fear - from both an emotional and physical standpoint. I hope to share more on this later, but regardless of past birth experiences (or sexual traumas, physical abuse, PTSD, or even just perceived trauma from other experiences) I do believe in the importance of voicing these feelings, naming the “baggage” and having others hold that space for you. Even if I don’t feel like things are 100% resolved from my own previous experiences (they probably won’t be) at least acknowledging them, putting them out into the universe and sharing them with my birth team is progress, and I hope will reduce some fear, keep my expectations in check and keep my heart open to this new experience. 
7. Listening to POSITIVE birth stories - always LOVE me some good birth stories, but this time I tried to focus only on listening to and reading positive and empowering experiences. This was just a way for me to protect the energy coming into my brain. (Watching/listening to traumatic or extremely painful births makes me question a lot of things this time, so it isn’t helpful for me to take those in!)

And lastly… 

8. Perineal massage - This is a more recent (and very different) one for me! Starting at week 36, hubby has been doing nightly perineal massage - aka vagina massage! (Don’t worry - it’s not in a sexual way I promise! And if you don’t know what the H I’m talking about feel free to google it! I won’t get into all of the what’s and how to’s here this time.) It’s insanely difficult to perform perineal massage on yourself when you’ve got a giant 9 month belly, so having a partner do it for you is much easier. For five 1-minute increments (with 30 seconds between) the massage mimics a contraction, building in pressure up until the 30 second mark, then decreasing for the last 30 seconds. The intention is to stretch the perineum in hopes to avoid or minimize tearing. During these massages, I have been “practicing” being in labor. It’s not painful, but there is a bit of slight pressure/discomfort. It’s been the perfect opportunity to put on a meditation/relaxing music/labor playlist and practice getting into the zone. Focusing on my body and my baby, relaxing my pelvic floor and getting into the right headspace. It’s truly been great practice for learning how to relax while something not quite so relaxing is going on! (Side note: The first night I made Ryan stop because I hated it and felt really emotionally uncomfortable. We had some loud obnoxious TV show on and it just felt awful all the way around. The next night I tried to make it a more “zen” experience - and it made such a difference. To be honest, I actually look forward to those 5ish minutes each night now!)

That’s it! Those are all of the things I have been doing and focusing on to prepare myself for my 4th birth experience and bringing a new life into this world.

What does birth prep mean to you??

Fear

Sarah McKenzie Photography

Can I be super honest with you? I was going to post a blog this morning about what I’ve been doing differently to prepare myself for birth this time around, but it didn’t feel right today so I’m saving it for another day. Because you know what? Lately there’s been a lot of fear in my heart. Like, I’m absolutely terrified. More afraid than ever. Right around this time in pregnancy (so, the end) it’s very typical for fear and doubt to sneak in. It happens to me every time. Fear of birth. Fear of unmedicated birth. Fear of pain. Fear of not being ready. Not being able to do it. But also fear of something being wrong now or going wrong later. Is my baby okay in there? Is something off? Will my baby make it out okay? Will I survive all of this? Which paths involve the least amount of fear? Sign me up for that, I don’t care if it feels right or not.

But this time the fear has been SO much more intense than ever before. I’m not sure if that’s because of my last birth experience or if it’s just because. But as I was completely spiraling this morning (for a several reasons) I felt the Lord speaking to my heart - saying “Trust Me”. It sounds simple enough. (Spoiler alert: It’s not.) But I keep coming back to that. Because that IS “all” I have to do. Just sit back and trust in Him and His plan. Whether things look like what I envision or not, that His plan is the “right” one. “Trust. ME.” So today I’m focusing on releasing the fear. Because that’s how the enemy robs us of SO much joy and amazing experiences.

He has always provided. He has never abandoned me. Or you. Nor will He ever. Grateful that this is the God that I get to serve.

38 Weeks

Yesterday we hit the 38 week mark! And then I spent 2 hours crying last night because I don’t feel ready for birth or baby or postpartum or pregnancy to be over or newborn stage (or future toddler phases 😆) or anything that comes after today. The things that need to be ready aren’t, and the things I want to be ready also are not even close and I really started panicking because it feels like I’m out of time 😰. After some talking down from hubby (and actually getting some sleep) I’m feeling much better about everything today. Learning to accept that when it comes to birth and newborns and the “next” (among SO many other things in life) often times you’re never really ready until it’s actually happening. I love this time and I still want to find as much joy and be as present in it as I can! So here’s what 38 weeks looks like on the inside!! I see you baby!!! 💗

36 Weeks

Sarah McKenzie Photography

36 weeks today. And I can hardly even believe that we’re already here.

When I tell people how far along I am in this pregnancy, at this point the automatic response is “Wow almost there!” or “Oh you’re getting so close!” But what’s weird is that, while I do have brief moments where I feel like the pregnancy part of this journey is basically over (typically coupled with slight panic!), MOST of the time I feel like I still have lots of time between now and when we meet this baby face to face. For the first time, 36 weeks just doesn’t feel THAT close to being the end, when that next chapter will begin. I still (hopefully) have many weeks left with this babe growing and rolling inside of me. We’ve just BARELY started talking about names, haven’t prepared a space for baby, washed clothes or anything like that.

Maybe I’m in denial. Or maybe 4 weeks actually IS a long time. Enough time. The right amount of time. However long it ends up being. I’m still focused intently on the present, no countdowns or number of days left of xyz...because I know how sacred, special and important these last few weeks are to me. I also know from experience that baby’s birth story doesn’t begin with broken waters or a contraction or the arrival time at a hospital, but in the hours, days and weeks before that. For some mamas, this time is about wanting to press fast forward. Just get through it. End it already. Sprint the last 100 meters, cross the finish line, without looking up. And to others, it’s about desperately wanting to slam on the brakes, out of fear or just needing more time to prepare, nest, bond (👈🏼 usually me!)... this time I DO want to take it slow. But not out of desperation. But out of honor and respect for the process. For my body and baby’s natural rhythms. I plan on spending a lot of time in nature, meditating, praying, nesting, connecting with my body, listening to baby and his/her timing... and MAYBE at least having SOME name options for this baby!

Here’s to the last month-ish of pregnancy!! Enjoying each day of the next month or however long. (And if God wants to give me a little extra time I’m okay with that too 😉.) To the next 2-6 weeks - I’m here for you.

40 days. 34 Weeks.

Sarah McKenzie Photography

40 days from our due date today! And while I am aware today of that specific number (only because I went out of my way to look it up a few days ago) we still have no countdowns over here, no focus on “how many days/weeks until _____” or how many more “alone” days I have before baby arrives. (In the past I’ve known EXACTLY how much time I had left.) I hardly know what to tell strangers when asked how far along I am - not because by baby number 4 you lose track or are too preoccupied to remember but because I actually haven’t been focused on knowing. I’ve been BLISSFULLY unaware of timelines and it feels amazing. I’m still focusing intently on the present and hardly looking ahead any more than I absolutely have to. Turning my eyes towards the Lord and being more intentional with my time with Him. Preparing my heart for birth. Preparing my soul for the sacredness of the postpartum experience. Seeking guidance from professionals as well as my labor support team to come alongside me and lead me on this journey towards birthing another life into this world. 🙏🏼💗

This past weekend we were so fortunate to have some time with @sarahmckenziephoto (who was actually with us for 2 of our previous births!) to capture this sacred time for our family. I am so grateful for her and can’t wait to see more!!

Sarah McKenzie Photography

Week 37 - Baby #3

Major events: Heidi and Wells starting preschool/MDO! (It's gotten pushed back multiple times due to Hurricane Harvey so even though I have been sad to lose those precious few days to myself, I'm happy to hopefully have one or two alone days before this baby girl gets here!)

Size of baby:  Stalk of swiss chard

Sleep: Seems to be better this week... while there is still a fair amount of tossing and turning and of course getting up to pee, I'm able to somewhat go back to sleep after bathroom visits and am awake for "normal" pregnancy reasons and not because of anxiety or stress keeping me awake. Yay!

Cravings: Okay this is so weird (and not FOOD craving related)... but this intensified sense of smell has me wanting to smell "bad for you fumes" SO bad!! Like, pumping gas at the gas station... OMG that smells so good. Rubbing alcohol, nail polish, exhaust fumes... even freshly poured asphault - SMELLS. SO. GOOD!! It takes a lot for me to not kill a zillion brain cells by inhaling all of these toxic fumes! I just want to smell them all!! 

Aversions: Food haha. There's just not a lot of room in there so food rarely sounds appealing.

Movement: Yes, although less it seems

Belly button in or out? Out (mostly)

Weight gain: 35ish lbs.

Missing: Alcohol occasionally but not every day... also missing feeling comfortable and being able to stand/sit/lay/move comfortably... there really is no position that is truly comfortable at this point.

Best part of this week: 

Hardest part of this week: 

Looking forward to: 

Signs of labor: 3cm dilated. Also, LOST THE MUCUS PLUG! This is the first time that it has been THIS obvious to me (in the past I think it's been a little bit more ambiguous or just come out gradually). But there was NO doubt that that's what happened. And you bet I took a picture to make Ryan look at it when he got home! Hey - if I have to deal with it you have to too buddy! (Not really, but I definitely wanted him to see it whether he wanted to or not haha! Sorry babe!) (Also, more than happy to show anyone else who "wants" to see or is curious... but I felt like subjecting the entire internet to seeing that picture without totally signing up for it wouldn't be fair. You're welcome.) Still having lots of pressure and braxton hicks. Also, baby girl definitely dropped on or after Thursday as suddenly my old discomforts have disappeared (and replaced by new ones) but I'm much more comfortable now. Before she dropped, I literally felt like my stomach was going to EXPLODE. Every organ was being completely crushed, skin and muscles tight, hard to breathe with lots of upper chest and shoulder pain/pressure... after she dropped most of that went away. Although, I am now experiencing more pelvic pain/pressure as well as bladder and cervical pressure (the amount of movement or whatever it is that I feel ON/IN my cervix is ridiculous!! It's like shes RIGHT there [ps she is].)

Emotions: All. Over the place. A lot of this has to do with losing the plug, but I think even if that hadn't happened I would still be a little bit of a mess. I'm trapped in between really wanting to meet her and really grieving that this pregnancy is basically over. So that's a pretty normal place to be in during my last month of pregnancy (on top of just being emotional in general from hormones and feeling uncomfortable). BUT... I was (and always have) mentally preparing myself to have at least until week 39 or so before baby comes. Granted, we never TRULY know and yes, sometimes babies decide to or need to come before that... but based on my history I usually don't "plan" on baby arriving prior to week 39. I prepare myself for a baby to come sometime during week 39 or even a week or two (or three) beyond that. So when I lost the plug a little over 37.5 weeks, it really threw me off. Losing the mucus plug really does not indicate much of anything as far as when labor will start. Statistically anyway. Some women lose it weeks before birth, days, hours, during and some don't even even know. BUT the fact that I lost the plug, plus all the braxton hicks, plus this being my third baby, plus already being 3cm dilated, PLUS the fact that the last time I gave birth was a mere 18 months ago... I really just started to feel convinced that there was/is a VERY real chance that she could come any minute. But the problem is... when you're pregnant and you let yourself start thinking that way... you really psych yourself out. Getting hopeful, but trying not to get your hopes up. Then feeling excited for birth... but then feeling like maybe I'm not ready yet... it's just a giant teeter totter of emotions yall. Back and forth back and forth. As exciting as it is to know that "things are happening" and my body is getting ready sometimes I wish that plug would have never fallen out because I would still be just happily living my life and not feeling quite AS stressed out about the timing of things. I hate stressing about the timing because I truly feel that it's up to my baby, my body and God (unless of an emergency) and it isn't really up to me anyway. It's just hard when everything already seems so out of control and then it gets even MORE out of our control! 

Week 31 - Baby #3

Major events: Friend in town, attended a wedding out in the country and finally deciding on baby girl's name 100%

Size of baby:  A coconut

Sleep: Several bad nights...we had multiple middle-of-the-night (random) power outages that kept us up. One night neither Ryan and I really slept at all. For me, at least this week, it's SO hard to go back to sleep once I am awake - and when you're pregnant it's a guarantee that you will be waking up at least once MINIMUM. Boo!

Cravings: Frozen yogurt and gingerbread waffles

Aversions: None

Movement: Lots! Love finally being able to see so much of these movements from the outside. 

Belly button in or out? Half in half out - it's getting freaky!

Weight gain: 26ish lbs.

Missing: Alcohol (I don't usually miss it too much, but the hardest times to not be able to drink are always weddings!)

Best part of this week: Spending quality (down) time with my good friend, getting a run in and also got our maternity pictures back!!

Hardest part of this week: I felt like the week started off pretty hectic, which is also tough physically (lower back pain - yeowzers!) and also not sleeping much.

Looking forward to: A pretty slow week next week

Emotions: Emotions seem to be much more manageable at this point (at least this week)

Signs of labor/other: There have been several instances where I had a few braxton hicks back to back, and also a few that have been painful. So in an effort to slow them down, I have started making it my goal to drink 100 oz. of water per day. This seems to have made a difference, although I definitely still have them daily. They are much less intense and way less frequent so guess I'll continue. I have NEVER been so hydrated in my entire life!

Week 30 - Baby #3

Major events: Heidi at VBS, dr. appt. pool night in sugarland with my aunt and cousin, and went on a run! (Also, mowed the lawn - which I feel like is an accomplishment haha!)

Size of baby:  A head of cabbage

Sleep: Not fabulous, but could definitely be worse! Started this week off recovering from coordinating wedding, so definitely feeling VERY exhausted at the beginning of this week

Cravings: Frozen yogurt

Aversions: None (although, fish/salmon never really sounds that great when I'm pregnant)

Movement: Yes! While I still feel like having an anterior placenta has continued to make things feel much different, I have been able to feel her much  more lately. Dr. confirmed that at my appointment she is head down, assuring me that I have been feeling her feet kicking my right side/ribs - the same way that Heidi used to although not quite so strongly. I also think that this week she moved down some. I suddenly am MUCH more hungry and now feel a lot more pressure on my bladder than I have up until this point. Officially reached the point in pregnancy where I frequently feel the urge to  pee when I don't really have to go and can feel when she rams her head into my bladder. Lots of hiccups this week and Ryan has been able to feel them many times - yay!

Belly button in or out? In-ish. This is definitely the strangest my belly button has ever looked during a pregnancy! Usually it just gets really strange and flat, but this time part of it is popping out. 

Weight gain: Somewhere between 20-25 lbs.

Missing: Hmmm nothing comes to mind 

Best part of this week: As suggested by my therapist, I have started to try to be more intentional about connecting with this baby and this pregnancy. I found a pregnancy meditation on spotify that I LOVE and have really enjoyed starting to connect. Ryan has also listened to some with me which is super special and he really enjoys it as well. Definitely the best part of this week...that and deciding to do weekly updates again (which is almost entirely just for myself and to help with feeling more connected with this pregnancy). Also, our doula from Wells' birth is hosting a 6 week long yoga series that concludes each session with a mamas circle/time to share and connect with other pregnant women. Hearing about this (and deciding to participate) has brought me SO much hope and I am so excited for this. 

Hardest part of this week: These last few weeks/months have been like nothing I have ever been through before and honestly I have days where I feel like I just can't go on. I thought things would get easier after we got through the big events/commitments last week, but somehow they got even harder (didn't think that was possible). Ryan caught the same stomach bug that Wells had, which means lots of throwing up and sleeping. I started the week off on single mom duty, and really continued to feel SO exhausted, overwhelmed and lonely - and now more lonely than ever with Ryan down for the count. Monday night, after I had fed Heidi and Wells, given them a bath (which by the way is pretty much impossible to do when pregnant - it's SO painful) and doing dishes, I took a shower. I literally just sat down in the shower and cried my eyes out for 30 minutes, just out of feeling so hopeless and torn down to nothing. I will post more about this whole emotional journey later, but this week still doesn't seem like things are getting any easier yet. 

Looking forward to: A good friend who is also pregnant is coming into town next week and I can't WAIT to spend time with her! I've really missed being around other pregnant women this time around. Also I am SO looking forward to the yoga series I mentioned above. It starts in a few weeks and I can't WAIT!!

Emotions: These last couple of months have been the hardest of my life (more on this later) and this week I started off by feeling more isolated and alone than I have ever felt. However, towards the end of this week I started feeling a little bit more like myself and starting to feel semi-functional again. I was able to get a few basic chores done and made a little to do list for the first time in several months. 

Signs of labor/other: SOOO many braxton hicks!! It has seriously been unreal how many I have and can feel - all times of the day usually when I'm laying down (but sometimes I can feel them when I'm up and moving around). To me, braxton hicks feel like my bladder has suddenly turned into cement and my lower belly gets SO hard. It's not comfortable (although not "painful" per say) and the pressure also definitely increases my urge to pee. Once it's passed, then usually I don't feel like I have to pee. Again - definitely not comfortable at all though and much more than "just tightening". Definitely starting to prefer wearing skirts over shorts - wearing anything with a waistband and/or crotch is not my top priority!

I will always rock a bikini at the pool no matter how pregnant!! Deal with it people!

3 miles!

SO swollen after my run - need to remember to not wear rings
when I'm going to be getting that hot and sweaty! 

Church and date night at our favorite Mediterranean restaurant
while our babies have a sleepover at Mimi and Papu's house!

Weeks 27, 28 and 29 - Baby #3!

So whenever I try to research when the third trimester ACTUALLY starts I get conflicting results. Some places say week 28, some places say week 27... who knows. "The Pregnant Body Book" (which I looooove by the way!) says that weeks 27-40 are considered the third trimester so that's what I'm going with! Here is the brief recap of the first few weeks of my THIRD trimester (whaaat??)

Week 27
- Bought a third car seat this week! Aaah!
- Linea nigra finally showed up
- 4th of July! This is the first 4th of July I have ever been pregnant for - weird! (I was also able to get a 3 mile run in that morning and another later this week!)
- Entered and won a "model call" for a free maternity shoot! I am so excited to take some time to capture this time with baby girl growing inside (and make a nice date night out of it with hubby)!
- Pregnancy insomnia and/or major stress has made sleeping very difficult and I find myself laying in bed wide awake frequently
- It's been several weeks since I have felt like "myself" but this week things seemed to get even harder. Despite the holiday, things just feel so chaotic and stressful. Preparing for (or even just knowing) that our family "vacation" was coming up is enough alone to make any mom feel a little stressed. Then on top of that there were so many other small things that just seemed to keep piling up and piling up. Just to name a few... my wedding rings stopped fitting, I was stressed out with trying to tie up some loose ends with a bride before we left for the week, I had reached out to a therapist (more on this soon) and just couldn't seem to get things to work out there and also took myself for a mani/pedi that was just NOT relaxing at all. (Something that I am learning is that when I try to do things for myself for a little "self care" and they do not according to plan it makes things for me feel SO much worse than if I hadn't even attempted it in the first place! Leaning new things about myself...) I have been so frustrated and overwhelmed and honestly haven't even had a moment to take a breath to start preparing for our vacation other than just acknowledging that yes, that is happening next week.
- We ended this week with our flight to NYC, which was (mostly) good (other than my breakdown right when we got on the plane due to exhaustion, hunger and physical discomfort - a true recipe for disaster for anyone especially a pregnant lady!) The kids did great, we took a cab to our hotel (which was the perfect setup for us) and had a fabulous dinner and evening.

Trial run trying to fit 3 across in our CR-V - SUCCESS!

Week 28
- This week we were in New York City for a few days and then drove upstate! We spent a little bit of time visiting our friends at their lakehouse in Chestertown, NY and then spent 2 nights in Albany. There were many fun and special moments as well as many very difficult ones throughout the week. This week it was incredibly difficult to focus on anything really pregnancy-related as we were fairly pre-occupied while traveling across the country with our crew!
- One highlight - a 3 mile run in central park with baby girl!
- Also, while in the city, I had a couple of brief moments where I was able to feel joy and truly relaxed deep down. While these moments didn't last for very long, they gave me hope that perhaps I will start to feel happier and more like myself soon.
- The week ended with us flying home and having a somewhat relaxing weekend recovering (date night at the movies included).

Happiness.

 

Baby girl does NYC!!

Upstate!

Week 29
- Got sick again (thanks to traveling I'm sure!) and Ryan also caught it too. Luckily it's just a sinus thing - no drainage and doesn't seem to be affecting the way we feel other than not being able to smell, taste or breathe! Wells also came down with the stomach bug this week, so I'm REALLY hoping no one else gets it - especially me!! That was quite stressful though to have him throwing up and unable to keep water down. Luckily we had some zofran on hand - that stuff is magical!!! It only lasted a few hours and when he woke up the next morning he seemed fine.
- Worked my last wedding with baby girl on the inside!
- Ryan and I had our maternity shoot this week and had so much fun! It felt really nice to do something together that was just about us and baby girl growing inside of me. We made a nice date night out of it.
- I also finally got in touch with a therapist this week and set met with her for the first time this week which went well (more on this later...)
- Life feels SO hard and I have really been struggling to find (any) joy in life as well as this pregnancy specifically - which makes me feel even more sad. I feel like this pregnancy is flying by before I can even catch my breath and I don't like it. The silver lining is that Ryan and I have been feeling more connected that ever and I feel SO supported by him. We are going through the storm together and that part feels good just knowing that he is and has been with me every inch of the way. I am hoping that next week will bring more ease, relaxation and joy now that my last wedding to work is out of the way! Ready for life to feel less overwhelming...I was able to go a few days without a major breakdown so I feel like we're making a little progress.
- I have started feeling more kicks/movements in multiple places on my belly at the same time but was still ONLY feeling baby girl below my belly button. However... on day 6, I FINALLY got my first rib kick!! It took her longer than anyone else (no thanks to you anterior placenta!) but I cried tears of joy when I finally felt that.

Heading to our maternity shoot!

Week 40

Major events: Having a baby!!

Size of baby: 8 lbs. 6 oz.

We are so excited to finally meet our baby boy and everyone has been adjusting wonderfully to our new lives as a family of 4!

Week 39 Anxiety

This week has probably one of THE hardest weeks I have had while pregnant. 

As stressed out as I was scrambling to get so many things done, I was actually looking forward to getting to the point where everything was checked off and I could just relax and focus on this new baby and his arrival. BUT...I also know that I am terrible at "not doing anything"...I don't really function well when I don't have a list of 58437291 things I am trying to accomplish. I know this. I know that the "waiting" part of pregnancy is super difficult for 99.9% of all pregnant women. However, I love being pregnant and am in no rush for it to end, so I thought this part would be easy (or at least, easier than it has actually been). There have been a lot of reasons why things have gotten so difficult though. 

I think it all started with my weekly dr. appt. (the day before week 39 began). I just got this weird vibe from my doctor... which I am SURE was completely and 100% fabricated in my mind... but still... I feel this weird pressure to get this baby out before he decides to come. My doctor didn't even mention the word "induction" nor did she even really hint at that being a possibility at this point... but I just got a weird feeling about it... (I should also note that everything at this point still looks to be right on track and both mom and baby are healthy!)

An induction is just not something that I want for my body or my babies (unless there is a true medical reason for that to occur.) Ryan has several co-workers who are due (or whose wives are due) right around the same time as me. So each day (feels like every day) that he comes home and tells me about yet another one who has scheduled an induction "just because" makes me feel strangely pressured. (At this point, pretty much every one of those people already has an induction scheduled... some for before their actual due date! As suggested by their doctor! It blows my mind that doctors are not only okay with this but actually encouraging women to schedule inductions when they are not necessary AND because it fits their personal vacation schedules. Sometimes I just don't understand modern medicine...)

What's wrong with letting a woman's body do what it is designed to do? Why is that last week (or even extra week??) less valuable than any other week of pregnancy? I DO realize that there are some situations where it is actually very important to get baby out as soon as possible - and those situations are life saving! But I am just feeling so much pressure from... society? our culture? I'm not even sure from where... that this baby needs to be coaxed out of there (or even forced) if he takes "too long". Statistically, risks increase after a certain point, yes. But I don't want to base my decision off of statistics. I want to base if off of MY body. If my blood pressure is good, my fluid levels are good, my urine tests are good... if everything looks good and baby is healthy then I want him to stay in there as long as he needs. A few extra days of fat-layering or lung development or... whatever it may be... he's staying in there for a reason right?? I have been fearful that I am headed down a path where I will be forced into something "just because". (An emergency type situation or if there was an actual "issue" would be a completely different scenario. I would never make an unsafe decision just for the sake of sticking to my plan of a natural birth.) I have been allowing fear to take over and can't quite figure out how to push it out.

Please don't take this as me saying ALL inductions are bad. I know they are not. But for me personally - that is the last thing I want - unless it HAS to happen. I believe God and baby should be in control of that for me. I also strive to have natural births - something pitocin does not allow to happen easily. From what I have heard, induced labors affect the body so intensely that pain medication is almost inevitable. So for someone who wants ALL things to happen naturally.... pitocin doesn't sound like that beginning of that path that ends in a natural, drug-free delivery. (A lot of motivation for induction is estimated size of baby - but if my mom can deliver a 10+ lb. baby naturally then so can I! A weight guess is not enough by itself to convince me to induce - because I know that's probably what you were thinking ;)!)

So this pressure I'm feeling... it's been affecting me in every way. My insides feel like an old rubber band that's being stretched and relaxed, stretched and relaxed...about to snap in half and fling across the room.  I feel SO torn - because I want HIM to choose when he comes... but I'm worried that I won't be able to handle the stress and pressure that would come with it IF my due date comes and goes. Not because I would be stressed about baby or his health - but because I would be stressed about dealing with all of the external pressure to "get him out of there". I LOVE being pregnant and if he doesn't want to come until 10 days past my due date then so be it. I trust God to take control of that situation. But now I feel like I shouldn't be wishing baby to take his time so that I won't have to deal with having a "late" baby (a term I don't really even agree with using...) I think that because I am SO fearful of being forced into an unnecessary induction I have really gotten into my own head about it. Why should I even be afraid of that when my due date is still a week away? or 5 days away? or 2 days away? Why are people even asking me about an induction when my due date has not even come and gone yet?? Isn't a due date just an estimation anyway?

The other thing that makes all of this SO hard for me... I got lucky with Heidi. I never really had to play the "waiting game" when I was pregnant with her. That being my first pregnancy... I NEVER expected her to be early. I just assumed I would at LEAST make it to my due date - if not way past that. So this time... this waiting game has really got me inside my own head. If I HAD made it to (or past) my due date with Heidi, I would assume this time around that I would have roughly that same amount of time - or maybe just a few days sooner. But since she was 3 days early... will he be 3 days early? Will he be earlier than that? What if it's tomorrow? What if it's 2 weeks from tomorrow? How common is it for your second to be late if your first was early? What are the chances of that? 

I am so incredibly stressed. My hormones are going INSANE and I am constantly up and down... so irritated, angry... I have been struggling HARDCORE so far this week to choose peace, faith and trust over stress and anxiety. I know getting out of the house and keeping my mind off of things helps... but I am also sooo tired at this point that all I really have the energy for is laying on the couch. Again - just another thing I feel so torn about! Resting/relaxing/driving myself insane vs. putting forth effort/going somewhere/doing something/getting my mind off of "things".... ARGH!! But what I have learned is that I am much more "stable" when I am out of the house and around people. That being said... I suffer dearly when a forego a nap. Naptime is still pretty crucial. 

I never expected this "waiting" part to be so hard - and I know it's only hard because I am making it hard on myself. It is so hard and can feel so lonely - like I'm the only one in the world who feels this way.

Week 36, 37, 38 and 39

Week 36

Major events: Friday night wedding in Austin! Last run until after baby...

Size of baby: Head of romaine lettuce

Sleep: Fine,but starting to wake up to pee much more now due to MAJOR pressure...

Cravings: None

Aversions: None

Movement: Yes! So strong and painful! (Especially when he stretches me SO far sideways!)

Belly button in or out? In

Weight gain: 30 lbs.

Missing: Champagne??

Best part of this week: Getting to spend so much time with Ryan. 

Hardest part of this week: Just dealing with stress and crazy emotions. 

Looking forward to: Being done with all of the meal prep/cooking/baking and being able to focus on baby!

Emotions: Starting to feel SUPER stressed out that nothing is ready and with my hormones ramping up BIG time this week I am a wreck. I usually start the day off feeling pretty good (emotionally and physically) but by the time evening rolls around and I start getting tired and uncomfortable... that's when I start to REALLY freak out. Lots of tears have been shed over how much left there still is to do and how there just isn't enough time to do it in. I feel like a time bomb... guaranteed every night no matter what is going on, usually by 9:30 or 10 a major meltdown is occurring. 

Signs of labor: Lightening (aka baby "dropping") and feeling the need to pee every second! Lots of Braxton Hicks! Although Braxton Hicks contractions feel completely different to me than labor contractions they are still annoying as heck! 

WOWZERS SOO much has changed this week!! Week 36 started off as a normal week, but I could tell that on day 5 of this week my body started to making some BIG changes. Baby definitely dropped, which caused me to feel an enormous amount of pressure in my pelvis/bladder area. I started to feel the urge to pee ALL the time (even if nothing much comes out) and can even feel when his head rams up and down on my bladder. (On the bright side I can breathe a little bit better now and my chest cavity feels less crammed!) Heartburn has been horrible the last few days of this "week" and it pretty much makes me feel like crap all the way around.

Major events: Met with our doula for the last time! Baked a zillion breakfast items

Size of baby: Swiss chard

Sleep: Not great... just waking up multiple times every night to pee. 

Aversions: None

Movement: Things got NUTS this week yall... during my first pregnancy, Heidi was very active and there were lots of kicks and strong movements, etc. but this baby... my GOODNESS it is absolutely freaky. 

Belly button in or out? In

Weight gain: 30 lbs.

Missing: Nothing!

Best part of this week: Buying all (most) of the remaining items we need for baby, washing his clothes and starting to feel a little bit prepared for his arrival and seeing my grandma for her birthday

Hardest part of this week: Day 1 of this week I suddenly started feeling very uncomfortable. I was very crampy all day and just felt yucky. This caused us to freak out a little bit (thinking there was a chance he could come any day!) and made me stress out a LOT about not even having our bags packed. I think this day was enough to convince me to kick it into high gear... so we packed our bags and got a few more things ready. The hardest part is just not feeling ready yet...obviously he is not here yet (as of week 37 day 7) though so we're still chipping away at our to do lists. 

Looking forward to: Getting excited to meet my little buddy!

Emotions: HUGE relief finishing all of the cooking/baking, but pretty stressed after a rough day 1 of this week

Signs of labor: Crampy with lots of tightening (mostly on day 1 of this week); as of the last day of my 37th week I am officially 3 cm dilated and 70% effaced!! (Which is just NUTS to think about because with my first pregnancy after laboring at home for 8 hours I was only 2cm. I'm already farther along than I was when I walked into the hospital to deliver Heidi!) 

Week 38

Major events: Ran a 5K (what?? I had signed up for a 10K but by the time the race rolled around I decided it was just best to walk the 5K. The plan was to just jog a bit at the start and then walk the rest but I felt good enough to run it - slowly!!) 

Size of baby: Leek

Sleep: Sleep got real bad this week. The pubic pressure (and bladder pressure) makes sleeping very difficult and quite uncomfortable.

Cravings: None

Aversions: None

Movement: Yes, he is still kicking the crap out of me, but I will say that movement seems to have decreased a bit – I assume due to the fact that he has much less room in there are this point

Belly button in or out? In...ish...

Weight gain: 33 lbs.

Missing: Bending, putting pants on, etc… Every Time something slips out of my hands or starts to topple over I think to myself "Please don't fall on the floor! Please don't fall on the floor!"

Best part of this week: Going on my REAL last run (promise this time that's for real), having a fabulous day with my girl and finally reaching the week 39 point – which means we are finally at the “relax and wait” point and no longer scrambling to get a zillion things done!

Hardest part of this week: Feeling really stressed after my dr. appt...(see my next post about Week 39 Anxiety!)

Looking forward to: Having (almost) nothing to do but just sit and wait :)

Emotions: Still not feeling quite ready for this pregnancy to end, even though I am getting more and more excited to meet him and hold him! I have just been trying to enjoy each and every moment I have with my baby inside of me, but I am now feeling SO much stress after my dr. appt...

Signs of Labor: 3-4cm dilated!

Major events: Easter Sunday

Size of baby: Personal sized watermelon

Sleep: Ooooh fine. Waking up frequently just to pee but really not in any pain or anything...

Cravings: None

Aversions: None

Movement: Yes - I am SOO going to miss feeling him roll around inside of me. This pregnancy went by SO fast it's hard to think about not being pregnant anymore!

Belly button in or out? In but very flat and strange looking... it looks as though it WANTS to pop out but can't 

Weight gain: 33 lbs.

Missing: Not feeling like I have to pee every second of every day

Best part of this week: Feeling SO relieved after my dr. appt at 39 weeks 7 days. (Everything looks good and my doctor was super laid back and supportive about continuing to give baby time in there and allowing things to happen on their own. We still have plenty of time before we even start to talk about induction yay! I am feeling great and WAY less stressed.) I feel so much more "ready" now that I did even just a few days ago.

Hardest part of this week: Being so stressed!

Looking forward to: His arrival any day now...!!

Emotions: Soooo stressed this whole week (see my next post: Week 39 anxiety) 

Signs of Labor: At my appointment (39w7d) my doctor performed a "membrane sweep", which essentially is when the doctor uses his/her fingers to separate the amniotic sac from the cervix (see here or just Google "membrane strip" or "membrane sweep"). Previously, I haven't been quite sure how I felt about this being performed, but since she was already checking my dilation when she asked I thought "might as well"! (It was not painful or uncomfortable and honestly I didn't feel a thing. I am grateful that she still asked for my permission though. I have heard of doctors just doing it without asking which would make me very uncomfortable.) The reason this is done is to encourage labor to begin - it triggers the release of the hormone prostaglandin (also found in semen in case anyone was wondering - a reason why they say sex can potentially help labor begin! Prostaglandin softens the cervix.) 

Wells, we have officially made it to your due date!! I'm finally back in a place where I can just relax and wait for you to decide when you want to come. Can't wait to meet you baby boy!