Sunday, November 20, 2011

The Beginning

In an effort to provide myself with some sort of "self help", perhaps writing my feelings down will help me sort them out and eventually make it through the woods and into the clearing with all of this nonsense.

Let me start from the beginning and provide a brief summary...(I will try to shorten this as much as possible.)

In 2009, my dad decided that he was no longer happy in the marriage that he was in. He also decided that a solution to this problem would be to have an affair with another woman. (This was not something that was known to us immediately, but it was discovered later that it had been going on for some time, which only he really knows how long.) This all began with a few minor changes that we noticed in him...things he would do/say, how he would act, how he acted towards my mom... eventually he admitted that he was confused and wasn't sure what was going on with himself. He manipulated us into feeling sorry for him and fooled us into believing his lies. He moved out of the house and into an apartment downtown. The rest is pretty much history. He now lives in Dallas with his new wife.

The dad that raised me, the person that I knew and loved so much, is no more. This is not the man that I called my father. I was so fortunate to have a wonderful childhood, to grow up in a home full of love, faithfulness and support. I am the person that I am today because of my family. I am grateful for the values and morals that were instilled in me as a child and young adult.

It is easier for me to treat this as a death. I am thankful that I am old enough to be able to compartmentalize what was... and what is. I have mourned over the loss of my family and the loss of my father. The loss of family Christmases and Easter Sunday, going to church together, sitting on the patio by the pool in the summer and family vacations.

I have struggled with anger, and of course still do, for so many different reasons I will not even begin to go into detail on that.

For the moment, I am currently struggling the most with the thought of this woman. This woman who claims to be a faithful woman of God, who made the decision to be with my Dad while he was still married, and still pretending that nothing was going on. I am not sure if she knows what she has done. I know that God instructs not to seek revenge, but I just wish that she could know what she did. Even if the whole truth was hidden from her, I want her to know everything. When I see her write on the company blog that she has found the love of her life at the company she loves so much... I just want to scream out loud "TOO BAD YOU HAD TO SNEAK AROUND FOR GOD KNOWS HOW LONG SO HIS WIFE AND KIDS WOULDN'T FIND OUT". It takes every ounce of energy that I have not to post this comment on the company blog. I just keep telling myself to push forward. Maybe one day I will not feel like this.

Each day is different. At least I don't think about it every single day like I used to. It still sucks more than anything in the whole world. My heart goes out to anyone who has had to face something like this as a child or teenager, because it definitely sucks hardcore to go through this as an adult.

So this is the beginning. I know that God has instructed me as a Christian to forgive. Somehow, I have to figure out how to get from point A to point B. So here we go. This is the beginning of this journey.

*** UPDATE ***

While I still have a ways to go, I no longer feel the amount anger that I once felt.  I will never look at this situation as a positive thing, but I am much more at peace now than I have been before.  Thank you for all of your thoughts and prayers through these last few years.