My first three babies were born in the hospital, but I had hoped and prayed for something different with this baby. From even before I found out I was pregnant with Serena, I knew I wanted a completely different birth experience, something more personal, with a deeper level of care. We confirmed the pregnancy with my OB, and then when I was about 12 weeks pregnant I switched care to a midwife and we began planning for a home birth!
Just a little disclaimer...Though my labor initially progressed very slowly, looking back now of course there are many moments where it might seem like "we should have known". While yes, hindsight is 20/20, up until the ACTUAL moment that this baby was born, I still believed that I had hours and hours of labor ahead of me. There were several reasons for this, but the biggest one being that I never experienced any pain whatsoever - not even a little bit. Not once. (I have prayed for and experienced painless birth before, but this was on another level.) This is partly why we waited until we did to call my midwife. (It's also kind of a weird thing to call people in the middle of the night, during a crazy storm to come to your house for something that may or not be happening now - or at some unknown time. So I didn't want to call people over until I was 100% sure we were getting close!) Denial is also a fabulous one of nature's tools when you're in labor ;).
(Also just a heads up - I left NO detail out, so this is very long. Annoyingly long probably. If you want to cut right to the chase skip down to "Friday"!)
So let's get to it.
Like many birth stories, this one begins a few days before we met our girl...
Wednesday - 2 days before birth - 38w3d pregnant
I woke up Wednesday and noticed a HUGE increase in vaginal fluid. I'm pretty familiar with this during pregnancy, as I already have to wear a pad for just about all 9 months. But this was a LOT. I kept an eye on it throughout the day but by the evening I really started panicking (read: TOTALLY SPIRALING). There was so much fluid, that by the end of the day I was convinced that I was leaking amniotic fluid. (It was thin and watery - didn't seem thick enough to be the mucus plug falling out, but it also wasn't pouring out or me or anything THAT severe. So it was still questionable.) That evening, I got in the bathtub to try to calm myself down, which did not help. I had already jumped to EVERY worst case scenario in my head, I felt like my home birth dreams were crushed and I even went as far as to think to myself that I was now going to have to find an OB that is cool with VBACs to deliver my 5th baby after my inevitable c-section (haha - yikes). I can TOTALLY laugh about this now, but I was NOT in a good place at the time - and I was probably the MOST dramatic version of myself I have ever been before. (I accidentally knocked a vase off of the counter by our tub and it shattered on the shower floor. Through angry sobs, I told Ryan that was symbolic of my dreams - shattered - and God was telling me to take a hint. Whoa. Really, Stephanie??) Ryan and I were both googling to see where we could go pick up an at-home amniotic fluid test. I did a LOT of crying and a lot of talking to Ryan. He listened to me, comforted me and tried his best to talk me off the ledge. I already had a midwife appointment scheduled for the next day, so the plan was to try to sleep some and ask her to test the fluid the next morning.
Thursday - 1 day before birth - 38w4d pregnant
When I woke up the next morning, I still wasn't in a very good place. As Ryan got the kids fed and dressed for school, I sat on the floor of our bedroom next to a small pile of books. I picked up "Supernatural Childbirth" (a book I had read before Wells was born) and as I skimmed through it, I felt God speaking to my heart saying "Trust me. Just trust me." As we dropped the kids off at school and drove to the birth center for my appointment, I just kept coming back to that. Releasing the fear, releasing control and putting my faith in His plan.
At my appointment, I told my midwife what was going on and she reassured me that everything was going to be okay (and if it WAS amniotic fluid there would be a plan - and one that wouldn't BEGIN with going straight to the hospital for an immediate induction. Pitocin is NOT something that I ever want to experience.) Before doing the test, she said IF it was negative that she would go ahead and check my cervix just to see where I was at. (I had been wanting to ask her to check me - not because dilation/effacement is any indication of when/how fast baby will come but only because I HAD known with the other 3 and I was just curious!) She did the swab, and immediately it was obvious that it was negative. I have never been SO relieved. Lots of tears of joy. I could hardly believe it. After I collected myself, she went ahead and checked me. 2cm, 60% effaced, baby was around -1 or 0 station. My midwife said to me "You COULD have this baby tonight, but I'm thinking probably another week." Perfect. The more time the better in my mind. (I hadn't felt ready yet. Earlier in the week I had yet another huge breakdown because I just didn't feel ready. My first three babies were between 39w3d and 40w, so I was hopeful that I would get more time with this baby cooking on the inside. I was hoping to at least make it to my due date, if not longer!)
I should also note - in addition to a birth kit and pool that the birth center sends home, there is a checklist of additional supplies that we needed to assemble for our home birth. Due to a mix up in our paperwork, we had not received this checklist yet - we accidentally got the packing list for a birth center birth. So at this appointment, we were able to get the correct list of items needed.
We left my appointment, Ryan went to work and I had a little bit of alone time before heading to pick up the kids. I felt like I could finally breathe a huge sigh of relief, move on with my life and continue to prepare for this baby's arrival.
That evening, I noticed a sliiiightest tinge of pink in my pad. I assumed this was just from the cervical check and didn't think too much of it. Before going to bed, I looked over the checklist and ordered a few things that we didn't have off of amazon, as well as some items from the grocery store to pickup the next day.
Friday - Birth Day! - 38w5d pregnant
I woke up on Friday morning, and had this weird feeling that something had caused me to stir in the middle of the night. I don't know why, but I thought MAYBE I had had 2 contractions in my sleep, though maybe I had just imagined it. I never woke up enough to actually remember, it was just a strange sense I had that it had happened. As I was getting Heidi ready for school, I was feeling a LOT of rectal and vaginal pressure. "WOW it feels like this baby is going to just fall out of my butt!" I remember thinking to myself. I moved about the morning without much more thought. As I was sitting in the drop off line at the elementary school I continued to feel SO much pressure...but then I realized that it suddenly went away. 8:40 a.m. "Hmm. Interesting." After drop off, the other 2 kids and I drove to Starbucks for some coffee. It happened maybe a couple more times, this pressure in my butt. At 9:26, Ryan and I were exchanging text messages and I said "Btw definitely having some contractions for the last hour. Just a few." He said "Ok. Keep me updated." We continued to stay in touch and I told him I was just feeling TONS of pressure. No cramping. No pain. Just pressure. It literally just felt like I had a bowling ball IN my butthole. Ryan asked me what I was thinking and I said I really didn't know and that it was hard to tell what was going on! Sitting down in the car seemed to make this pressure come and go a little more frequently, maybe every 12-15 minutes. It happened again at 9:32 and 9:40.
Once we got home, I spent some time gathering some more items on the checklist from around the house and putting them all together in our bedroom. I laid down in bed and ordered the last few items needed for the birth from Target for Ryan to pickup on his way home from work. At this point, between laying down, getting back up, moving around, peeing, etc. things got a little jumbled. I told Ryan I probably should give my birth team a heads up at some point (midwife, doula and photographer) but I wasn't quite ready to sound any alarms since I wasn't totally convinced this was labor or that baby was coming any time soon.
10:48 a.m. - I started texting Ryan every time I felt a contraction. I had 2 friends coming over to hang out and I just couldn't quite commit to timing my own contractions - but texting him felt like the right way to keep track of them bc I wanted to keep him in the loop but also knew I could look back on the timestamps if I really wanted to know.
11:24 a.m. - Another contraction. At this point, contractions seemed to get really consistent, right at 40 minutes apart. It was very predictable. My friends arrived and I pretty much spent the next 2.5 hours standing up in the kitchen chatting with them. Each time I had a contraction, it would distract me a bit from the conversation, I would look at the clock to make a mental note, text Ryan and then continue on. Still just lots of pressure. I also think maybe the mucus plug had started to come out very gradually around this time. It was hard to say but either way things were definitely changing down there, with an increase in fluid and it becoming more pink.
2:00 p.m. - My friends left and I fed Wells and Cami lunch. I ate a bit but not much. The rain started to roll in and it was pretty gloomy outside. (Also, one of the items I had ordered at Target was not available for pickup at the location on Ryan's way home from work, so I had to have it transferred to the Target out near us.)
2:57 p.m. - I had another contraction (exactly 40 minutes after the one before it) and decided it was time to text the birth team just to give them a heads up that something was happening even if I wasn't sure what. I texted my midwife, doula and birth photographer (who lives in Austin). My midwife said to keep her posted but that it was still possible that this was just prodromal labor. She gave me instructions to take a warm bath and plan to be in bed by 8:30. In case this lasted a long time, getting as much rest as possible needed to be the #1 priority.
3:30 p.m. - I loaded Wells and Cami into the car and we started out for Target, but I knew we were going to be cutting it a liiitle bit close to make it back in time to pick up Heidi from school. But I was determined. (I also realized once we got in the car that the portion of the order that I had to transfer to "our" Target got transferred as "order pickup" and not "drive up". Ugh.) So I'm driving in the rain, trying to call Target and convince them to bring my order outside (bc my kids are still in their PJs with no shoes on and I knew physically I wasn't capable of going into the store), while also trying to text Ryan at a red light the barcode for HIS order pickup. Meanwhile, I'm having more contractions bc I'm sitting down. (Again just pressure and still manageable, though a little distracting.) We make it to Target, they bring my order out to the car THANK GOODNESS and we rush back to pickup Heidi. It certainly felt chaotic.
4:30 p.m. - I got back home with all the kids and Ryan was thankfully able to leave work a few minutes early so he was already home waiting for us. I really wanted to go get my nails done - not because I felt like that was crucial to have done for the birth or something but because I knew if I was having this baby I wouldn't be going back for a long time. (Plus the shellac from my previous manicure was starting to peel up and would get caught in my hair and you KNOW that's annoying!)
4:58 p.m. - As I was pulling into the parking lot of the nail salon I had another contraction. "Perfect." I thought. "I have another 40 minutes until the next one so hopefully I'll only have to manage 1 contraction while I'm here." However, as I was sitting there, I had a few more contractions, sporadically. It seemed like sitting down and also having to move my legs up and down for the pedicure made the contractions come and go a little more often. (I still wasn't sure if that night would be THE night but I did know it would be my last time at the nail salon before having this baby even if I still had another week or two!)
6:46 p.m. - I left the nail salon and arrived at HEB to pick up our curbside order. While at HEB, I texted Ryan about wanting to take the kids out for ice cream. I had been feeling really guilty about not paying enough attention to them lately, and wanted to do something together that they would like. (I still thought I had tons of time, clearly.) Once I got home, Ryan was thankfully able to talk me out of the whole ice cream thing, and instead we all baked some leftover Christmas break and bake cookies together.
7:45ish p.m. - We finished baking cookies and Ryan went to bathe the kids and get them ready for bed. I was feeling too antsy to take a bath, so I instead took a loooong hot shower. After I got out of the shower, as I was getting dressed I remember looking down at my belly and talking to my baby. "Please be nice to mama. I'm trying my best!" I said out loud.
8:45 p.m. - I got into bed. At this point I EXPECTED contractions to fizzle out or at least space out a bit. I texted my midwife to let her know I was getting into bed, not much had changed and that I would update her if anything major happened. Contractions still seemed all over the place and I still had lots of pink tinged discharge.
9:06 p.m. - I started timing my own contractions on an app on my phone at this point. Ryan also made me a little plate of food to eat and I used my phone to turn on my labor playlist on the TV in our room. I think it must have been around this time that I knew contractions probably weren't going to go away until this baby came out - however long that might take. With all of the pressure I was feeling (still just vaginal and rectal pressure) I was getting up to pee frequently.
9:37 p.m. - I got up to pee, but walking/standing was getting difficult because of the pressure. I noticed a single drop of blood in the toilet and by now my contractions were around 7 minutes apart and lasting about 45 seconds long. Once back in bed, I texted my midwife to let her know that standing was getting hard and that I probably wasn't going to be sleeping anytime soon! We decided that I should still try to doze between contractions for a while (in case it was still early) and to let her know if/when I needed her! I had no pain and felt fine between contractions. The kids came and got into bed so that I could say goodnight to them and sing Twinkle Twinkle Little Star and rub their backs (as we do every night). As I was singing the song, I started having a contraction and had to stop what I was doing. Not because of pain or because I needed to scream out or something, but you get to a point in labor where you just can't talk if a contraction is happening! So I just had to pause for a second and wait for it to pass before I could finish the song. I still didn't think TOO much of it though haha! I continued to labor in bed while Ryan cleaned up the kitchen and got some things organized. (At some point, Wells got out of bed and wanted to help Ryan. He was SO sweet when he and Ryan came in to check on me - he held my hand through a contraction and sang me a song. Then he helped Ryan get the birth pool blown up!)
10:40 p.m. - Ryan finished what he was doing, put Wells to bed and told me he was going to hop in the shower. I really didn't want to be alone in bed so I decided to get in our bathtub while he showered. However, at this point I could not walk but had to crawl to the bath tub! This probably should have tipped us off but - somehow it didn't! Again, I had no pain just INTENSE pressure. So much pressure it's almost indescribable!
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| I know it looks like I was TRYING to look completely miserable here - but I promise I wasn't THAT miserable haha! I was letting the hot water run over my back and it felt so good. I was trying to get the water in the picture.) |
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| Timing my contractions. |
11:07 p.m. - After a few intense contractions in the tub, Ryan had finished showering and I headed back to bed. I had him press on my lower back during a contraction but I didn't like that so I had him rub my shoulders instead. It felt good at first, but after 2 or 3 contractions of that I told him not to touch me anymore (HINT: THAT'S TRANSITION PEOPLE. I know this. HE knows this. But I had no pain. And I was STILL convinced that I had maybe another 6 or 7 hours until baby would come. I don't know why I thought that but I did!)
About this time a CRAZY storm had started rolling in. I had Ryan open the curtains so I could watch the rain and lightning. This is when I remember thinking it was time to call my doula to come help me cope with the pressure. With the next 2 contractions, as they peaked I was screaming my doula's name inside my head. I wanted to call her, but once those contractions passed I got distracted because pretty quickly I decided that I couldn't lay down anymore. I got up and kneeled on the floor over the bed.
After a few minutes of kneeling bent over the bed, I decided to crawl over to this chair that we have in the corner of our bedroom next to the windows, so that I could keep watching the storm (for some reason that was still important to me haha!) Not long after that I started getting a little vocal and a little grunt-y. I was moaning a bit through contractions, though nothing crazy, and it felt good to do short little bursts of pushing against the contractions. The grunt-y "pushes" didn't feel involuntary but they felt right. I was totally just listening to my body and it was amazing.
11:33 p.m. - At this point the storm was still going strong outside. So much thunder and lightening and pouring rain, but I felt peaceful. I started having a contraction (I was still timing them myself on my phone) and as I kind of grunted and pushed against the contraction my water suddenly broke and FLOODED out of me everywhere. I don't know why this caught me off guard but it DID because I had no towels or "puppy pee pads" or anything underneath me whatsoever. I even still had my regular underwear on! Ryan got some towels and a few disposable bed pads and put them under me to keep the carpet from getting MORE soaked.
Aaah a broken water is such relief. It feels so good. I also felt SO relieved to feel like I could call my birth team now. This was happening without a doubt and it was time. (I did however STILL think I had several hours left. Things had been SO easy and painless I remember thinking "This can't POSSIBLY be it. There is just no way". Ryan said "This is great! This is good!" and I said back to him "Yeah but THIS is when it's going to get hard." We called my midwife and called my doula and I had a little break with contractions. Then I called my birth photographer, (who again, lives 2.5 hours away in AUSTIN) and YALL. This is what I said to her: "Hey Lisa! My water just broke! Has the storm passed you yet? Are you comfortable making the drive?" Because I STILL thought I had all night! So funny. Since Lisa is SO awesome she told me she was already in the area and was at a hotel just a few minutes away. I started crying because I was so grateful that she was already in town!! I was sure she would make it in time!
After I hung up with my birth photographer, I took a picture of myself and texted it out to a few friends and family saying "Ready to meet baby! Water just broke!" feeling completely normal and myself. I was like "Okay, I guess I can put my phone down now. Do do dooo." Also, Ryan had been busy getting some things together in the other room so he came back in and I made him put a thousand batteries into all of these flameless candles for me. (Seriously. 9 candles. 18 batteries. Haha!)
I had another contraction and more fluid gushed out of me. We finally got my underwear off. I then reached my hand ALL the way up into my vagina to see if I could feel baby's head and I could not. (She was still at about -1 or 0 station, I'm thinking.)
As we were hanging out waiting for everyone else to arrive, we got a text from my midwife asking if the birth pool was filled. It wasn't, so Ryan went into the other room to start running the hot water. (For the record, I did not have any interest in delivering in the water, and I think I knew at this point we were a little past that! But Ryan didn't want to get in trouble from our midwife so he went along with it haha!) I think did have a few more contractions during this time, during which I continued to do short bursts/grunts to push against them a bit. And I was somewhat vocal during these, but nothing crazy. (I had stopped timing contractions when my water broke.) I wasn't bearing down or doing loooooooong pushes like they tell you to do in the hospital when you're pushing the baby out, so that led me to believe that we weren't AT the actual finish line quite yet. (Also, in the past, we've had lots of time from when my water broke to when baby came out! Another reason why we thought we probably had a little more time.)
11:54 p.m. - From the other room Ryan heard me yell, frustrated, "I HAVE TO POOP!!!". He of course knew exactly what was happening so he came running in. I remember feeling very irritated with needing to poop. I felt like that sensation was getting in the way of me being able to focus on the baby part of things (even though I know they kind of go hand in hand) but I decided that with the next contraction I was just going to poop and get it over with then I could worry about where baby was at - not really thinking baby was ready quite yet or anything. (I told Ryan that I was just going to do it, so he was prepared to cover "it" up by folding the disposable bed pad over itself.) So as the next contraction began, I pushed the poop out with my first little "burst" push and then immediately knew that this was THE baby pushing push. I yelled "THE BABY IS COMING OUT CATCH IT!" to Ryan. Another quick but powerful push and she slipped right out. I felt her whole entire body pass straight through mine in one smooth "swoosh". Ryan's hands were there, ready to catch her. There was no slow moment of crowning, no pausing as the head emerged, no waiting for the shoulders to come out... she literally went from all the way up in there to all the way out in half a second and it was amazing. I also felt zero pain. I asked right away "Is the baby here??" Ryan said "Yes! The baby's here!! Everything is good!" He was pretty much laughing when he said it. No panic or fear. There really wasn't even any time for that anyway! She was here and we were just so happy and in complete disbelief at what had just happened! I was in total shock. I couldn't believe that was it! How could that possibly be it?? I felt like I hadn't done any hard work yet!
She immediately started crying (whole-heartedly) but was a little gurgle-y, so Ryan laid her on the floor on her side and she cried the junk out within a second or two. I said "Is the baby okay??" "The baby is fine!" Ryan said. I could see her on the floor between my legs, pink and crying as Ryan was holding her. I really wanted to be the one to look to see if it was a boy or a girl but I couldn't wait any longer. "WHAT IS IT?!" I asked Ryan. He looked. "It's a BOY!!" he said!! "Ooh it's a boy! I knew it!!" I said. I started to maneuver myself to get her up between my legs but then Ryan said "Wait... actually I'm not sure...!" I reached down, spread her legs and moved the cord to see that she was actually in fact a GIRL (just a very swollen girl who actually did look like a boy down there!) "A GIRL OH MY GOSH!!!" We could NOT believe it. I had been 1000% certain this baby was a boy and we were so so shocked. I had been SO sure this baby was a boy we hadn't even talked about girl names ONCE! (At this point, I also yelled to Ryan "TAKE PICTURES!!!!")
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| 11:56 p.m. |
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| Her first kiss :) |
11:58 p.m. - After we got her up between my legs and I was holding her we called my midwife to tell her the baby was here. She told Ryan to get some more towels and keep us warm and that she would be there soon! I stayed kneeling on the floor and held my baby and kept saying "OH MY GOSH. Oh my gosh. Oh. My. GOSH!" (Despite what TV/movies make you believe, there really isn't anything urgent that has to happen after the baby comes out. It is perfectly safe to leave the cord, the placenta doesn't come out right away... There's nothing that anyone has to "do" in those moments immediately following the birth. In a normal healthy delivery it's totally safe to just chill for a bit!) It felt so calm, so peaceful and so...normal. It didn't feel chaotic or scary. Everything felt so right.
12:01 a.m. - I was just sitting there in total shock, unsure of what to do with myself! I knew my mom was still awake so I decided to FaceTime her. She answered and we said "Baby is here!! Also - no one else is!! Everything is fine! We'll call you back later and tell you gender! Bye!!"
12:11 a.m. - As the storm outside began to slack off, my midwife arrived with her assistant, as well as my doula, and my birth photographer was about 8 minutes behind them. My midwife helped me over to the bed where I laid down and we waited a few more minutes for the placenta.
12:21 a.m. - I never felt the urge to push the placenta out but eventually my midwife instructed me to give a little push. I could feel a lot of pressure and it was getting uncomfortable, so getting it out was relieving. Ryan cut the cord (his first time to ever do so)! I got one tiny stitch (which hurt like HELL) but my doula was able to help me cope with that pain and relax my body. (After an episiotomy with my first, I've always had second degree tears so I was shocked to learn that I hardly tore at all! My midwife gave me the option of getting a small stitch, but it wasn't something that HAD to be done. I think not pushing on my back and being on all fours really helped with that! That position felt so different and sooo so good.)
12:51 a.m. - Baby's first latch. We were all just sitting around chatting, enjoying our time together while I nursed baby and my midwife continued to monitor both of us and check vitals. It was so peaceful. After a little while, we were done nursing and it was time for me to get up to try to pee. Ryan was able to hold her for the first time!
1:15 a.m. - Baby was weighed. She was then taken back to the bed for a few more checks and tests, while my midwife's assistant helped me into the tub for the herbal bath she had prepared for me. I spent a few minutes in the tub, relaxing, holding Ryan's hand and just talking together about the amazing crazy wonderful thing we had just gotten to experience together. I still couldn't believe that she was already here, and that she came so easily. After a few minutes, baby girl joined me in our bath.
I can remember holding her in the bathtub, thinking about how normal I felt. It truly felt like nothing had ever happened physically. I had no soreness, no pain, no aches...I felt so amazing. I can't even begin to describe how different I felt compared to my 3 previous unmedicated births. (It was SOO nice not having any plastic bracelets, IV tubes or needles too!) It all just felt so...normal. There was so much peace.
After our bath, we moved back into bed where I nursed her again, ate some ham and cheese hawaiian roll sandwiches and snacks that Ryan made for me (YUM) while my midwife continued to monitor us and fill out some paperwork. Every now and then my doula would come pick up my cup and hold it for me to sip on, to make sure I was continuing to get plenty of fluids. It really all felt so normal and comfortable - just hanging out and relaxing with my birth team. I got to lay in my bed, resting and soaking up my new baby. It was truly blissful and so peaceful.
3:07 a.m. - After my midwife cleaned everything up and threw the laundry into the washer, everyone left. And then it was just us.
The day prior to this birth I was experiencing so much fear and doubt. But I felt God telling me to just trust Him. "Trust me" He said. I felt it in my heart. Let it all go and leave it in His hands. I am so grateful for this lesson, and how He continues to stretch me and show me how to let go of control when it comes to pregnancy and birth and my body and life. SO many wonderful things can happen when we just let go and open our hearts to God's plan and His design for things. I am so grateful to Him for blessing our family with another new life and for His presence and guidance throughout this entire experience. I also want to thank everyone who has supported us through this journey. Your prayers mean the world.
My sweet Serena. She is my calm in the storm. My reminder that in the middle of the biggest storms, when I put my faith in the Lord - that's where my peace is.
