I recently found myself standing in the bathroom during a church service. We had returned to my “home” church, the church I grew up in. It’s a full hour (one way) from our house now, but we typically return a few times a year, specifically for the months of Advent and Lent. With my 4 month old strapped to my chest and 1 year old wandering around the bathroom, I stood there looking at myself in the mirror, crying. We had escaped after the 1 year old just couldn’t sit still or keep her voice down any longer (all of about 3 minutes into the sermon) and I was feeling self-conscious about how much of a distraction she was being. I felt so lost. I cried out to God. “God, is this where I’m supposed to be? Is THIS how I’m supposed to spend church services as a mom? God, moms need you the MOST in so many ways...but I'm just supposed to spend church services standing in a bathroom? While everyone else gets to hear Your message but me? This doesn’t make sense. God, is THIS where you want me??” I asked God to meet me there. I begged Him to please just show me what His desire is for me. Just show me what to do or where to go and I will!
We’ve spent the last couple of years asking God to lead us to the church home that He desires for us. We’ve visited many churches of all shapes and sizes, but nothing felt right. It has always been our desire to have our kids in service with us. As crazy as it sounds, that’s our priority. But here’s the thing. It’s really easy for churches to make moms feel unwelcome. Like, WAY easier than you might think. Even when it’s cloaked under the guise of kindness.
I walked out of the bathroom, not really sure where we were heading next, and I was met by a mom on staff named Emily. The conversation that we had was one that I have been waiting YEARS to have. “We love the noise.” “Don’t ever feel like you have to leave to service.” “Our goal is to have families in service together.” After the service I was talking to Chad (now head pastor but I first knew him as my youth pastor back in high school). Standing in the doorway, I told him how hard church is as a mom, (how there’s even one church near to us that has a blurb at the very top of their program offering free coffee to moms who leave service with their fussy baby) and how it just seems like everywhere you go churches encourage you to drop your kids off somewhere else and that we're usually the only family with kids in services. I couldn’t even hold it together. I just sobbed, thanking him. Thanking him for Emily, for their message, for what they were doing. Because it’s good. And it’s been a long time since I’ve felt like a church really, I mean REALLY actually wants kids and babies and noise and moms and dads worshiping in service together.
We left church and talked on the way home. This is where we want to be. This is the church environment we want for ourselves, for our kids and for our family together as a unit. But how could we possibly make our church home a place that’s an hour away?? “Well,” Ryan said, “a million people drive an hour to work every day. What’s wrong with driving an hour to church?” (I’ve learned over the years – often times if you feel led by God to do something that the world will tell you you’re crazy for – you're doing it right.) We sat on it, talked about it and prayed over it.
This instant gratification world that we live in craves immediate responses, we rarely get that with prayer. It’s not supposed to be that way with God, most of the time anyway. Learning to wait on and with Him and practicing patience is good. And typical. But God me in that bathroom that Sunday morning in December and the immediate response from Him just felt so cool. I hardly turned around and boom - there was my answer. It all but dropped right out of the sky. I heard him say "It's okay, I'll show you. I'll show you right this minute." This is where we’re supposed to be. At least for now. Maybe not forever. But who knows. We’re happy to be home and grow closer to Him together as a family here and with the extra bonus of standing alongside many people who I've known my whole life.
If you're a mom feeling lost or forgotten or desperate, I hope you know that He hears you. He's right next to you. And He wants you.
