tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-20976521562225396392024-02-02T14:21:12.947-08:00Our StoryA not-so-graceful journey into motherhoodStephaniehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13661158320044251543noreply@blogger.comBlogger190125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2097652156222539639.post-69780774528761328652022-02-18T07:37:00.006-08:002022-02-18T13:06:39.257-08:00God Met Me In a Public Restroom<p><span style="font-family: inherit;"><span class="TextRun SCXW68549387 BCX0" color="windowtext" data-contrast="auto" lang="EN-US" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: transparent; -webkit-user-drag: none; line-height: 19.425px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; user-select: text;" xml:lang="EN-US"><span class="NormalTextRun SCXW68549387 BCX0" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: transparent; -webkit-user-drag: none; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; user-select: text;">I <span style="font-variant-ligatures: none; white-space: pre-wrap;">recently found myself standing in the bathroom during a church service. We had returned to my “home” church, the church I grew up in. It’s a full hour (one way) from our house now, but we typically return a few times a year, specifically for the months of Advent and Lent. With my </span></span><span class="NormalTextRun ContextualSpellingAndGrammarErrorV2 SCXW68549387 BCX0" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: transparent; -webkit-user-drag: none; background-image: var(--urlContextualSpellingAndGrammarErrorV2,url("data:image/svg+xml;base64,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")); background-position: 0% 100%; background-repeat: repeat-x; border-bottom: 1px solid transparent; font-variant-ligatures: none; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; user-select: text; white-space: pre-wrap;">4 month old</span><span class="NormalTextRun SCXW68549387 BCX0" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: transparent; -webkit-user-drag: none; font-variant-ligatures: none; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; user-select: text; white-space: pre-wrap;"> strapped to my chest and 1 year old wandering around the bathroom, I stood there looking at myself in the mirror, crying. We had escaped after the </span><span class="NormalTextRun ContextualSpellingAndGrammarErrorV2 SCXW68549387 BCX0" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: transparent; -webkit-user-drag: none; background-image: var(--urlContextualSpellingAndGrammarErrorV2,url("data:image/svg+xml;base64,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")); background-position: 0% 100%; background-repeat: repeat-x; border-bottom: 1px solid transparent; font-variant-ligatures: none; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; user-select: text; white-space: pre-wrap;">1 year old</span><span class="NormalTextRun SCXW68549387 BCX0" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: transparent; -webkit-user-drag: none; font-variant-ligatures: none; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; user-select: text; white-space: pre-wrap;"> just couldn’t sit still or keep her voice down any longer (all of about 3 minutes into the sermon) and I was feeling self-conscious about how much of a distraction she was being. I felt so lost. I cried out to God. “God, is this where I’m supposed to be? Is THIS how I’m supposed to spend church services as a mom? God, moms need you the MOST in so many ways...but I'm just supposed to spend church services standing in a bathroom? While everyone else gets to hear Your message but me? This doesn’t make sense. God, is THIS where you want me??” I asked God to meet me there. I begged Him to please just show me what His desire is for me. Just show me what to do or where to go and I will! </span></span><span class="EOP SCXW68549387 BCX0" color="windowtext" data-ccp-props="{"201341983":0,"335559739":160,"335559740":259}" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: transparent; -webkit-user-drag: none; line-height: 19.425px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; user-select: text; white-space: pre-wrap;"> </span><span color="windowtext" style="white-space: pre-wrap;"> </span></span></p><div class="OutlineElement Ltr SCXW68549387 BCX0" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: transparent; -webkit-user-drag: none; background-color: white; clear: both; cursor: text; direction: ltr; margin: 0px; overflow: visible; padding: 0px; position: relative; user-select: text;"><p class="Paragraph SCXW68549387 BCX0" lang="EN-US" paraeid="{9cb70a5b-3233-4a33-8607-4a8c557eeb78}{220}" paraid="1563232607" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: transparent; -webkit-user-drag: none; background-color: transparent; color: windowtext; font-kerning: none; margin: 0px; overflow-wrap: break-word; padding: 0px; user-select: text; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;" xml:lang="EN-US"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><span class="TextRun SCXW68549387 BCX0" data-contrast="auto" lang="EN-US" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: transparent; -webkit-user-drag: none; font-variant-ligatures: none; line-height: 19.425px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; user-select: text;" xml:lang="EN-US">We’ve spent the last couple of years asking God to lead us to the church home that He desires for us. We’ve visited many churches of all shapes and sizes, but nothing felt right. It has always been our desire to have our kids in service with us. As crazy as it sounds, that’s our priority. But here’s the thing. It’s really easy for churches to make moms feel unwelcome. Like, WAY easier than you might think. Even when it’s cloaked under the guise of kindness. </span><span class="EOP SCXW68549387 BCX0" data-ccp-props="{"201341983":0,"335559739":160,"335559740":259}" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: transparent; -webkit-user-drag: none; line-height: 19.425px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; user-select: text;"> </span></span></p></div><div class="OutlineElement Ltr SCXW68549387 BCX0" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: transparent; -webkit-user-drag: none; background-color: white; clear: both; cursor: text; direction: ltr; margin: 0px; overflow: visible; padding: 0px; position: relative; user-select: text;"><p class="Paragraph SCXW68549387 BCX0" lang="EN-US" paraeid="{617615ad-d7cf-4bca-86a6-298f454ccf63}{203}" paraid="1638039298" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: transparent; -webkit-user-drag: none; background-color: transparent; color: windowtext; font-kerning: none; margin: 0px; overflow-wrap: break-word; padding: 0px; user-select: text; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;" xml:lang="EN-US"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><span class="TextRun SCXW68549387 BCX0" data-contrast="auto" lang="EN-US" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: transparent; -webkit-user-drag: none; font-variant-ligatures: none; line-height: 19.425px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; user-select: text;" xml:lang="EN-US"><span class="NormalTextRun SCXW68549387 BCX0" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: transparent; -webkit-user-drag: none; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; user-select: text;"></span></span><span class="EOP SCXW68549387 BCX0" data-ccp-props="{"201341983":0,"335559739":160,"335559740":259}" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: transparent; -webkit-user-drag: none; line-height: 19.425px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; user-select: text;"> </span></span></p></div><div class="OutlineElement Ltr SCXW68549387 BCX0" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: transparent; -webkit-user-drag: none; background-color: white; clear: both; cursor: text; direction: ltr; margin: 0px; overflow: visible; padding: 0px; position: relative; user-select: text;"><p class="Paragraph SCXW68549387 BCX0" lang="EN-US" paraeid="{617615ad-d7cf-4bca-86a6-298f454ccf63}{213}" paraid="1385075510" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: transparent; -webkit-user-drag: none; background-color: transparent; color: windowtext; font-kerning: none; margin: 0px; overflow-wrap: break-word; padding: 0px; user-select: text; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;" xml:lang="EN-US"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><span class="TextRun SCXW68549387 BCX0" data-contrast="auto" lang="EN-US" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: transparent; -webkit-user-drag: none; font-variant-ligatures: none; line-height: 19.425px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; user-select: text;" xml:lang="EN-US">I walked out of the bathroom, not really sure where we were heading next, and I was met by a mom on staff named Emily. The conversation that we had was one that I have been waiting YEARS to have. “We love the noise.” “Don’t ever feel like you have to leave to service.” “Our goal is to have families in service together.” After the service I was talking to Chad (now head pastor but I first knew him as my youth pastor back in high school). Standing in the doorway, I told him how hard church is as a mom, (how there’s even one church near to us that has a blurb at the very top of their program offering free coffee to moms who leave service with their fussy baby) and how it just seems like everywhere you go churches encourage you to drop your kids off somewhere else and that we're usually the only family with kids in services. I couldn’t even hold it together. I just sobbed, thanking him. Thanking him for Emily, for their message, for what they were doing. Because it’s good. And it’s been a long time since I’ve felt like a church really, I mean REALLY actually wants kids and babies and noise and moms and dads worshiping in service together. </span><span class="EOP SCXW68549387 BCX0" data-ccp-props="{"201341983":0,"335559739":160,"335559740":259}" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: transparent; -webkit-user-drag: none; line-height: 19.425px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; user-select: text;"> </span></span></p></div><div class="OutlineElement Ltr SCXW68549387 BCX0" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: transparent; -webkit-user-drag: none; background-color: white; clear: both; cursor: text; direction: ltr; margin: 0px; overflow: visible; padding: 0px; position: relative; user-select: text;"><p class="Paragraph SCXW68549387 BCX0" lang="EN-US" paraeid="{a2e2fd90-6cb3-4c9b-8812-21cd4a99639a}{154}" paraid="787134152" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: transparent; -webkit-user-drag: none; background-color: transparent; color: windowtext; font-kerning: none; margin: 0px; overflow-wrap: break-word; padding: 0px; user-select: text; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;" xml:lang="EN-US"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><span class="TextRun SCXW68549387 BCX0" data-contrast="auto" lang="EN-US" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: transparent; -webkit-user-drag: none; font-variant-ligatures: none; line-height: 19.425px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; user-select: text;" xml:lang="EN-US"><span class="NormalTextRun SCXW68549387 BCX0" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: transparent; -webkit-user-drag: none; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; user-select: text;"></span></span><span class="EOP SCXW68549387 BCX0" data-ccp-props="{"201341983":0,"335559739":160,"335559740":259}" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: transparent; -webkit-user-drag: none; line-height: 19.425px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; user-select: text;"> </span></span></p></div><div class="OutlineElement Ltr SCXW68549387 BCX0" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: transparent; -webkit-user-drag: none; background-color: white; clear: both; cursor: text; direction: ltr; margin: 0px; overflow: visible; padding: 0px; position: relative; user-select: text;"><p class="Paragraph SCXW68549387 BCX0" lang="EN-US" paraeid="{a2e2fd90-6cb3-4c9b-8812-21cd4a99639a}{164}" paraid="904288877" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: transparent; -webkit-user-drag: none; background-color: transparent; color: windowtext; font-kerning: none; margin: 0px; overflow-wrap: break-word; padding: 0px; user-select: text; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;" xml:lang="EN-US"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><span class="TextRun SCXW68549387 BCX0" data-contrast="auto" lang="EN-US" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: transparent; -webkit-user-drag: none; font-variant-ligatures: none; line-height: 19.425px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; user-select: text;" xml:lang="EN-US">We left church and talked on the way home. This is where we want to be. This is the church environment we want for ourselves, for our kids and for our family together as a unit. But how could we possibly make our church home a place that’s an hour away?? “Well,” Ryan said, “a million people drive an hour to work every day. What’s wrong with driving an hour to church?” (I’ve learned over the years – often times if you feel led by God to do something that the <i>world</i> will tell you you’re crazy for – you're doing it right.)</span><span class="EOP SCXW68549387 BCX0" data-ccp-props="{"201341983":0,"335559739":160,"335559740":259}" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: transparent; -webkit-user-drag: none; line-height: 19.425px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; user-select: text;"> We sat on it, talked about it and prayed over it.</span></span></p></div><div class="OutlineElement Ltr SCXW68549387 BCX0" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: transparent; -webkit-user-drag: none; background-color: white; clear: both; cursor: text; direction: ltr; margin: 0px; overflow: visible; padding: 0px; position: relative; user-select: text;"><p class="Paragraph SCXW68549387 BCX0" lang="EN-US" paraeid="{ef4d131e-b4ec-465f-9e75-a8219baf5a0a}{75}" paraid="1869558740" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: transparent; -webkit-user-drag: none; background-color: transparent; color: windowtext; font-kerning: none; margin: 0px; overflow-wrap: break-word; padding: 0px; user-select: text; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;" xml:lang="EN-US"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><span class="TextRun SCXW68549387 BCX0" data-contrast="auto" lang="EN-US" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: transparent; -webkit-user-drag: none; font-variant-ligatures: none; line-height: 19.425px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; user-select: text;" xml:lang="EN-US"><span class="NormalTextRun SCXW68549387 BCX0" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: transparent; -webkit-user-drag: none; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; user-select: text;"></span></span><span class="EOP SCXW68549387 BCX0" data-ccp-props="{"201341983":0,"335559739":160,"335559740":259}" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: transparent; -webkit-user-drag: none; line-height: 19.425px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; user-select: text;"> </span></span></p></div><div class="OutlineElement Ltr SCXW68549387 BCX0" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: transparent; -webkit-user-drag: none; background-color: white; clear: both; cursor: text; direction: ltr; margin: 0px; overflow: visible; padding: 0px; position: relative; user-select: text;"><p class="Paragraph SCXW68549387 BCX0" lang="EN-US" paraeid="{ef4d131e-b4ec-465f-9e75-a8219baf5a0a}{85}" paraid="1530493728" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: transparent; -webkit-user-drag: none; background-color: transparent; color: windowtext; font-kerning: none; margin: 0px; overflow-wrap: break-word; padding: 0px; user-select: text; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;" xml:lang="EN-US"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><span class="TextRun SCXW68549387 BCX0" data-contrast="auto" lang="EN-US" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: transparent; -webkit-user-drag: none; font-variant-ligatures: none; line-height: 19.425px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; user-select: text;" xml:lang="EN-US">This instant gratification world that we live in craves immediate responses, we rarely get that with prayer. It’s not supposed to be that way with God, most of the time anyway. Learning to wait on and with Him and practicing patience is <i>good</i>. And typical. But God me in that bathroom that Sunday morning in December and the <i>immediate</i> response from Him just felt so cool. I hardly turned around and boom - there was my answer. It all but dropped right out of the sky. I heard him say "It's okay, I'll show you. I'll show you right this minute." This is where we’re supposed to be. At least for now. Maybe not forever. But who knows. We’re happy to be home and grow closer to Him together as a family here and with the extra bonus of standing alongside many people who I've known my whole life.</span></span></p><p class="Paragraph SCXW68549387 BCX0" lang="EN-US" paraeid="{ef4d131e-b4ec-465f-9e75-a8219baf5a0a}{85}" paraid="1530493728" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: transparent; -webkit-user-drag: none; background-color: transparent; color: windowtext; font-kerning: none; margin: 0px; overflow-wrap: break-word; padding: 0px; user-select: text; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;" xml:lang="EN-US"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><span class="TextRun SCXW68549387 BCX0" data-contrast="auto" lang="EN-US" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: transparent; -webkit-user-drag: none; font-variant-ligatures: none; line-height: 19.425px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; user-select: text;" xml:lang="EN-US"><br /></span></span></p><p class="Paragraph SCXW68549387 BCX0" lang="EN-US" paraeid="{ef4d131e-b4ec-465f-9e75-a8219baf5a0a}{85}" paraid="1530493728" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: transparent; -webkit-user-drag: none; background-color: transparent; color: windowtext; font-kerning: none; margin: 0px; overflow-wrap: break-word; padding: 0px; user-select: text; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;" xml:lang="EN-US"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><span class="TextRun SCXW68549387 BCX0" data-contrast="auto" lang="EN-US" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: transparent; -webkit-user-drag: none; font-variant-ligatures: none; line-height: 19.425px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; user-select: text;" xml:lang="EN-US">If you're a mom feeling lost or forgotten or desperate, I hope you know that He hears you. He's right next to you. And He wants you. </span></span></p></div>Stephaniehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13661158320044251543noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2097652156222539639.post-4572191601600224302021-10-10T07:42:00.005-07:002021-10-10T11:44:53.308-07:00The Birth of Melody<div style="text-align: left;">The world tells us that birth is something to fear. Women have been programmed to believe that without medical intervention (or even with!) giving birth is excruciating and scary and something we should dread and <i>expect</i> to be awful. But that's how the <span style="font-family: inherit;">enemy robs us. Because I know what God says. And I know it</span><span style="background-color: white; font-family: inherit;"> doesn't have to be that way.</span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="background-color: white; font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><div><span style="font-family: inherit;"><br style="background-color: white; line-height: 18px;" /><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 18px;">"We have to totally change our thinking by renewing our mind with the Word of God on the subject of having babies, the same way we renew our mind c</span><span class="text_exposed_show" style="background-color: white; display: inline; line-height: 18px;">oncerning finances, health, and everything else. We can no longer think the way the world thinks if we want to have the results, the promises and provisions that have been given to us as born-again believers. We have to find out what God thinks on any subject and begin to think and talk the way He does. Romans 12:2 says 'And be not conformed to this world: but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, that you may prove what is that good, and acceptable, and perfect will of God.'"</span></span><span style="background-color: white; font-family: inherit;">- Jackie Mize "Supernatural Childbirth"</span></div><div><span style="font-family: inherit;"><span class="text_exposed_show" style="background-color: white; display: inline; line-height: 18px;"><br /></span></span></div><div><br /></div></div><div style="text-align: left;">Fear is <i>not</i> from God. It has always been my passion to show the world that birth is not something to be afraid of. Respectful of - yes. But scared of?? No. I know that God does not want us to have fear, including fear of how He created birth. I know that it is not His desire for us to <i>suffer</i> and that by inviting Him into our birth spaces (physically and spiritually) we can learn <i>so</i> much about Him and His character and love for us. Releasing our fears, our anxieties <i>and</i> need to control everything...it's not easy. But I know that's when we give it ALL to Him... that's when He shows up big. </div><div style="text-align: left;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: left;"><br /><b>July 29, 2021</b></div><div style="text-align: left;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: left;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: left;"><b>5:33 a.m.</b> - On the morning of July 29, 2021, I woke up to what honestly felt like a braxton hicks contraction. These days, it's typical for me to have BH contractions throughout almost my whole pregnancy and often times they are quite strong. Even though this one didn't feel that different physically, something in my gut told me that it was different. I looked at the clock and made a mental note, "5:33 a.m." Ryan was still sleeping but I knew he would be getting up for work soon. I laid there quietly, just resting. I looked at my phone for a bit. A little while later - another tightening. "5:53 a.m. 20 minutes since the last time" I told myself. Ryan's alarm went off shortly after that and I told him that I had had 2 contractions and thought something might be happening. He got up and got dressed while I stayed in bed. The waves continued to come, anywhere from 15 to 30 minutes apart from each other. Around 7:00 a.m. I texted my mom and sister, as well as our birth photographer (who lives in Austin) "Been having a few contractions this morning...! Not totally convinced yet but wanted to give you a heads up!"</div><div style="text-align: left;"><br /></div><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEicpGwi28xEa2sCI7lGXGtlTYtFwlFHVLj_6ieI9dMbcmY8QxFjPI4ZTgWCzQhP6-Ox_YVPVCchGsXaZFLKP95Z7CNuwzKISRlk3vbAzTTLU503IclYiYKFh28QCvF7kL3RUJFIoPlyaMg/s2016/IMG_5993.jpg" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="2016" data-original-width="1512" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEicpGwi28xEa2sCI7lGXGtlTYtFwlFHVLj_6ieI9dMbcmY8QxFjPI4ZTgWCzQhP6-Ox_YVPVCchGsXaZFLKP95Z7CNuwzKISRlk3vbAzTTLU503IclYiYKFh28QCvF7kL3RUJFIoPlyaMg/s320/IMG_5993.jpg" width="240" /></a></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Took this photo thinking "The sun is rising on our BIRTHday, baby."</td></tr></tbody></table><br /><div style="text-align: left;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: left;"><b>9:15 a.m. </b>- We loaded all 4 kids into the car and drove to Starbucks for a coffee run! This is something that we all do together quite often. Once we got into the car, I felt like my contractions started to space out a little bit, though when they did come they were a little bit stronger. They still really didn’t feel THAT much different from the BH contractions that I was used to. A little more period cramp-y, but also I could feel the contractions IN my vagina too. It was kind of hard to tell how frequent they were actually coming (sometimes if there is really light pressure or tightening it's hard to tell if it's an actual "contraction" or just normal pregnancy sensations.) I was feeling anxious - both good anxious and bad anxious - so it was hard to really relax! I was anxious-excited because obviously <i>something</i> was happening and I was really pumped for that, but also anxious-nervous just not knowing how things were going to feel and progress and I was of course nervous about actually giving birth! Once we got our coffee we drove to our usual spot to let the kids get out of the car and run around a bit. I started to feel a little more relaxed then. It felt so good to be with my little family doing what we always do and being together.</div><div style="text-align: left;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: left;"><b>10:30ish</b> - We arrived back home. Even though the waves weren't super strong and were still coming every 30ish minutes, I figured I should go ahead and call my midwife just to let her know that things were at least starting to warm up. (I definitely didn't want to end up in a situation where I waited until the last minute and didn't do my part to communicate what was happening!) So this was definitely more like a "Hey FYI" call and not a "Okay you need to come right now" kind of call. I called her just before 11:00 a.m. and she told me to keep her updated if anything changed! </div><div style="text-align: left;"><br /></div><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgses-11UxizQ5byFi-f-AolDnyVmcfpqYxq5eNoSJet0P_Cc3XRmtE7-EK7esVORLDUmG4iPcKhgZQQ2Q0nWUPyrsnJw5HDI-yGAP95AByUVuha6vZkWvh1oG6cW6B1m6cm12Pje78H3k/s2016/IMG_5997.jpg" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="2016" data-original-width="1512" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgses-11UxizQ5byFi-f-AolDnyVmcfpqYxq5eNoSJet0P_Cc3XRmtE7-EK7esVORLDUmG4iPcKhgZQQ2Q0nWUPyrsnJw5HDI-yGAP95AByUVuha6vZkWvh1oG6cW6B1m6cm12Pje78H3k/s320/IMG_5997.jpg" width="240" /></a></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">11:44 a.m.</td></tr></tbody></table><div style="text-align: left;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: left;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: left;">I laid down on the couch and Ryan and the kids watched TV and played. Over the course of the next hour/hour and a half, I really only had a few small contractions, some only what I would consider "half contractions" (is that a thing??) On a notes page on my phone, I wrote down "11:35?" "11:57?" because I wasn't <i>quite</i> sure haha. After 11:57 a.m., I just felt like I wasn't really feeling much. I thought things should be picking up more by now but they really weren't. At this point, I figured I would start to drive myself crazy by just sitting and waiting around...time was dragging by! I decided that maybe getting up and going to walk around Target would help things start to move along a bit.</div><div style="text-align: left;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: left;"><b>12:27 p.m.</b> - I texted our birth photographer that I was worried this wasn't really it! I told her hat I was tired of sitting there waiting and might need to distract myself at Target for a bit. The plan was for me to eat a snack and then head over there. </div><div style="text-align: left;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: left;">Sometime over the course of the next 30 minutes, I became very aware that it was the middle of the day, the sun was shining bright and also I hadn't slept much the night before. I thought maybe it would be helpful for my body if I laid down in our bedroom in the dark for a bit and rested before going to Target. So about 1:00 p.m. I went into our room, closed the shades, laid down and dozed off. </div><div style="text-align: left;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: left;"><b>1:27 p.m. </b>- I woke up to the start of a contraction and then very suddenly the baby jerked and at the same time I felt/heard a small "click" or pop. I was pretty certain that my water broke, though nothing was coming out of me (maybe the baby had just moved a funny way in there and that's what the weird click/pop was??) I picked up my phone and called Ryan to tell him to come into the bedroom. I asked him to bring me a towel so I could walk to the bathroom, but when I stood up no fluid came out. I walked to the toilet and when I sat down saw that I was losing some of the mucus plug. "Okay SOMETHING is happening here..." and I decided to go lay back down to see what contractions were going to do. The next contraction that came was at 1:44 p.m., and shortly after that I told our birth photographer what was happening and that the Target trip was on hold!</div><div style="text-align: left;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: left;"><b>1:52 p.m. </b>- While still laying down, I felt a contraction and started to feel some fluid leaking out with it. Just some trickles here and there - but it was obvious that my water was breaking. After that contraction passed I texted our birth photographer and called my midwife and doula. Everyone was on their way!</div><div style="text-align: left;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: left;">I had another contraction at 1:59 p.m. and then decided to get in the shower to labor a bit in there. I stood for a few minutes, but then felt like I wanted to just get on my hands and knees. I grabbed a towel, got down on the shower floor and just let the water hit my back. It felt so good! I turned on some worship music, and moved my hips back and forth. About 5 minutes after getting into the shower, our birth photographer arrived! (This felt like a <i>huge deal</i> since <a href="http://doublechocolatecake.blogspot.com/2020/03/serenas-birth-story-painless-home-birth.html" target="_blank">no one made it the last time</a>! I was sooo relieved that she was there and that she wasn't going to miss it.) While I was in the shower, I felt lots of verrrry small waves here and there and could kind of feel myself opening up? but nothing was really strong enough to say "wow that was a big contraction!" I never really know - does the warm water dull the sensations a bit because I'm so relaxed? OR am I too relaxed and slowing my labor down? I really don't think it's possible to be TOO relaxed in labor, but in those moments I think there is always a part of me that is afraid that when I'm not feeling anything that means that nothing is happening. Not wanting to risk "accidentally" stalling things, I decided to change it up and move somewhere else. </div><div style="text-align: left;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: left;"><b>2:20 p.m.</b> - Ryan helped me get out of the shower and put on an adult diaper. I wasn't really leaking any fluid at this point, so it was more just in case. I got down on my knees and leaned over the bed. (It was almost the same spot where Serena was born so I must instinctively feel safest right there.) While laboring there, I decided to do a self-check just out of curiosity to get a feel for baby's position. I could tell her head was slightly more engaged than it had been the last few weeks, though it's not like she was coming out in that moment or anything. I had Ryan put a heating pad on my lower back and apply counter pressure during contractions.</div><div style="text-align: left;"><br />At this point, my midwife and doula were not there yet. Between 2:25 p.m. and 2:30 p.m. I had 3 contractions. Not totally unmanageable, but there was loooots of pressure and I could feel my cervix/vagina opening up even more. Even though I wasn't feeling THAT much, something told me it wouldn't be that much longer. I just had a feeling I would start to feel a little pushy soon, so I really started wondering how far away my midwife was. I can remember thinking that I knew I COULD do this without her but that I really didn't want to again! In my head I was kind of thinking maybe we should call her to see how far out she was, but I couldn't quite get my brain to connect to my mouth and verbalize that, or pick up my phone and do it myself. Luckily, she walked in the door right after those 3 close contractions! It was around this time that I stopped tracking them. We also FaceTimed my mom in on Ryan's phone!</div><div style="text-align: left;"><br />Shortly after my midwife got there, my doula arrived. She helped apply counter pressure with the heating pad and it felt SO good! (I even told her after a contraction - "That feels AMAZING!") I was breathing and moaning and rocking through contractions, while my doula provided lots of words of affirmation and reassured me that I was doing exactly what I was supposed to be doing. </div><div style="text-align: left;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: left;"><b>2:45 p.m.</b> - My doula suggested I move over to a birth ball and lean over it. I started getting emotional, crying tears of joy knowing we would be meeting our baby so soon. I was so happy that everyone was there and that the day had been so peaceful. Labor has been so easy and simple. I told God I was ready. A couple of times my midwife held the doppler to my belly to check baby's heart rate, but I hardly noticed. </div><div style="text-align: left;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: left;"><b>3:06 p.m. </b>- My midwife checked my dilation and I remember hearing her say I was complete. Even though I think I was already kind of letting my body push a little bit naturally with contractions, hearing her say that flipped a switch in my head and I knew with the next contraction I would be pushing. I felt ready.</div><p style="text-align: left;"><b>3:07 p.m.</b> - The next contraction started, I grabbed both of my doula's hands almost in an arm-wrestling position, and started pushing. I pushed hard. I could feel myself opening up so much more this time and it felt much slower. (Serena came out in one swoosh, so this felt different!) My midwife could tell that baby's head was coming out a little crooked and wasn't descending much with my push, so she had me pull a leg up into a lunge position. With the next contraction, a few more HARD pushes, and some cursing (me screaming "SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIT!!!" at the top of my lungs haha) baby's head was out! It was <i>very</i> intense and it did hurt! My birth team told me to pause and wait for the next contraction. </p><div style="text-align: left;"><b>3:09 p.m.</b> - After a minute or so I felt the next contraction coming. I pushed what felt like 15 more pushes and out she came! It was so different really having to actually work to get her body out and not just having her slip out all at once. I remember thinking "why am I STILL pushing this body? How is she not out yet??" I thought this baby was surely the length of a school bus! Even though it FELT like it took her body was coming out soooo slowly, it was <i>really</i> only about 2 seconds of work. </div><div style="text-align: left;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: left;">I took a second, while my brain caught up with my body and what had just happened. After a second or two I caught my breath and looked at my doula and said "Oh that REALLY hurt!" to which she responded SO kindly: "I'm SO sorry.... but it's all done now!" It makes me laugh every time I think about it. She's just so kind and SO empathetic, but also in that moment so honest. 😆 I really don't think I could have done this one by myself. I mean, I know I "could have" but I really did need my doula and midwife there for this birth, to support me through the pushing stage. I'm SO grateful they were there holding my hands this time. </div><div style="text-align: left;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: left;">Ryan held baby while my midwife made sure her nose and mouth were clear, and then he handed her to me between my legs! I overhead my midwife say "There she is" to let me know to grab her, and I could also kind of see between her legs too, so between those two things it kind of registered in my brain that she was a girl. I pulled her up to my chest and just held her so close. In complete disbelief, I said "Oh my God it's another girl!!" I still had to check several times just to make sure though and also because I really couldn't believe it!</div><div style="text-align: left;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: left;">As I sat back, I could feel my stomach really hurting. It wasn't like a cramping pain but like a pain pain. And my vagina really hurt this time too. I remember saying out loud "my stomach hurts" and "my vagina hurts". She came out asynclitic and also had a really tiny soft spot so her head didn’t mold at all. I think those things contributed to pushing being a little harder/more painful this time. </div><div style="text-align: left;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: left;">Wells came in the room and walked over to us. He was happy, but then it hit me that I was holding a baby girl and not a little buddy for him and I just felt so so sad. I was sad not that my baby was a girl but sad for Wells. I was so worried he was going to be upset. I just started sobbing. I didn't want him to be disappointed!</div><div style="text-align: left;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: left;">I was bleeding more than my midwife really wanted to see, so we kinda had to work to get my placenta out so she could start stitching me up. I have never felt an urge to push my placenta out, but this time I really had to FORCE it, (even though there was still no urge). I'm not sure if it was the position that I was in on the floor and not very comfortable or what but I really had to push hard, which did not feel good. After the placenta was delivered, I moved over to the bed.</div><div style="text-align: left;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: left;"><b>3:30 p.m.</b> - I started getting stitched up. I actually felt a HUGE amount of anxiety around this part this time (and if/when there is a next time I know I'm going to need a lot of help preparing for and managing this). I've always needed stitches after birth, but something this time made me feel really anxious about it. With Serena, I only needed one stitch. It took my breath away but it was only one. This time I needed 3. Even with the lidocaine injections it was very painful. Getting the shakes after birth is very normal (it's just from the hormones) and I have experienced that previously with some of my hospital births. However, this time I was SO shaky and I know it was truly because of the anxiety I was feeling and not from the hormones. It was very tough working through those stitches (and if you've ever had your vagina stitched up before you know there is a lot of time between each stitch which just makes it more of a drawn out thing!) but with the help of my doula and Ryan we got through all 3 stitches. </div><div style="text-align: left;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: left;">After I got stitched up, I was still bleeding quite a bit, and my stomach still really hurt (again not cramping but just straight up pain). I got a shot of pitocin in the thigh. I don't really recall it making me feel any different though - no additional cramping or increase in uterine pain or anything. </div><div style="text-align: left;"><br /><b>4:08 p.m.</b> - The stitching was finally done and it was time to cut the umbilical cord. (The placenta had still been attached and in a chux pad next to me and baby.) This was the longest I have ever had a baby stay attached to the placenta, and I really liked getting to take our time and check out the cord as much as I wanted. Heidi and Wells wanted to come in so we asked both of them if they wanted to cut the cord. They both just wanted to watch, so I was able to cut it! Once the cord was cut, my midwife took baby over the her scale in our bathroom to be weighed. The kids then left with my mother in law, Ryan made me some food to eat and we had our first nursing session! (You really forget how STRONG little tiny babies are able to suck!) </div><div style="text-align: left;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: left;">I was still feeling a lot of sadness over Wells not getting his little brother, so my midwife prayed over me and baby and that we would feel His peace. This was such a wonderful moment and I'm always so grateful that my midwife is able to support me in this way, calming my heart. </div><div style="text-align: left;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: left;">Around 5:30 p.m. we had our herbal bath. It was much harder for me to relax in the tub this time around. I still felt <i>really</i> hyped up hormonally after the stitches and my body definitely <i>felt</i> like it had just pushed a baby out! After Serena was born, instantly it felt like nothing had happened, but this time around I really felt much more postpartum <i>physically. </i>I had a hard time just letting go and feeling at peace in the tub, so we didn't spend too much time there. I handed baby off and started to stand up but noticed I was dripping some blood. It wasn't EXCESSIVE, but it was a steady drip. (I kind of wonder now if it was just my position in the tub that caused the blood to pool a bit inside of me?) We didn't want to take any chances though so my midwife gave me some cytotec to chew up (yuck). After that I didn't have any more issues with bleeding too much, so I was thankful. </div><div style="text-align: left;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: left;">I got out of the bath and I was helped back to bed. I finally felt like I was back to feeling relaxed now that I was tucked back into bed with my baby!</div><div style="text-align: left;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: left;">At 6:15 p.m. we hugged our entire birth team, said our goodbyes and then it was just the 3 of us. At home, peacefully in bed snuggling our sweet new babe. </div><div style="text-align: left;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: left;">It really was just the most perfect and relaxing day. Even though the pushing felt harder this time, the rest of labor was almost entirely painless. It was such a beautiful simple and EASY birth and I am so grateful for <i>everything</i> God has done to lead us on our journey to bringing new life into this world. This pregnancy was unexpected, but I have faith that this was/is HIS timing, and I don't think I would change it even if I could. </div><div style="text-align: left;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: left;">Welcome to the world Baby Melody!! We are SO glad you are here. </div><div style="text-align: left;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEisOuGtiWnEqc_odMXt_WzyEuQ4He1PElhyDENycBSne5NPw_y47FGSi9DbOaN3-UP_KsqyKNqre9n_OwScmyK43RkkHGNCKI1Nyzq-dJ-zqJLOl3G5odcOQUG5d5E9YVilTykRp0oQcDs/s1890/6F8F264B-75AC-4FB8-BDB5-2E45D664C49F.JPG" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1890" data-original-width="1512" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEisOuGtiWnEqc_odMXt_WzyEuQ4He1PElhyDENycBSne5NPw_y47FGSi9DbOaN3-UP_KsqyKNqre9n_OwScmyK43RkkHGNCKI1Nyzq-dJ-zqJLOl3G5odcOQUG5d5E9YVilTykRp0oQcDs/s320/6F8F264B-75AC-4FB8-BDB5-2E45D664C49F.JPG" width="256" /></a></div><br /><div style="text-align: left;"><br /></div>Stephaniehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13661158320044251543noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2097652156222539639.post-44125803916347132572021-09-30T08:49:00.000-07:002021-09-30T08:49:51.626-07:00The 6 Week Postpartum Visit<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh1qriCdi6_mELE_8svq1AdRB9EkbyGxyrZkQYLkax2It0kXsu2O0QgTIk_IZ0qC7XPbVuA6IQWVmofFHCxQ27XaRTdTQLWeXPmT2rS_q3Ha4dtm_OK-wsyaCKWDrKlQXd1CNrz20gRxQw/s2016/IMG_1491.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="2016" data-original-width="1512" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh1qriCdi6_mELE_8svq1AdRB9EkbyGxyrZkQYLkax2It0kXsu2O0QgTIk_IZ0qC7XPbVuA6IQWVmofFHCxQ27XaRTdTQLWeXPmT2rS_q3Ha4dtm_OK-wsyaCKWDrKlQXd1CNrz20gRxQw/s320/IMG_1491.jpg" width="240" /></a></div><br /><div style="text-align: left;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: left;">The 6 week postpartum visit is a very special day to me these days and I want to explain why that is... because I don't think I am alone in my experience/feelings <i>and I want people to know that there's something else (better) out there.</i></div><div style="text-align: left;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: left;">It all goes back to my 3rd baby.</div><div style="text-align: left;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: left;">My pregnancy with Cami was a very difficult one. It was so lonely and life had been flipped upside down. It was already a very dark time for me. I was however, still looking forward to <a href="http://doublechocolatecake.blogspot.com/2017/12/camerons-birth-story-part-1.html" target="_blank">giving birth to her</a>, hopeful that it would give me all of those "on top of the world" feelings that birth had in the past and that it would be the positive experience I needed to close that difficult chapter. Spoiler alert - it wasn't. Even though it was our 3rd hospital birth, it was the first one that my actual OB was there for the delivery (which she knew I was excited about!) and also our first time having Ryan assist with catching! I birthed a 9 lb. 3 oz. baby (unmedicated!) yet I still left the hospital feeling completely deflated. (There were <i>a lot </i>of reasons why I felt that way, but I know it's because I felt alone and <i>unsupported</i> throughout the entire pregnancy and birth experience.)</div><div style="text-align: left;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: left;">At <a href="http://doublechocolatecake.blogspot.com/2017/11/the-first-6-weeks.html" target="_blank">6 weeks postpartum</a>, I was grasping at straws - looking for ANY sort of validation, support, encouragement, recognition - anything to <i>make me feel like I mattered</i>. I was excited for my 6 week checkup. (During the birth, my OB had commented on Cami's size but she left before we had weighed her - I was excited to see her and also to share with her how much she ended up weighing!) I don't know why, but for some reason I had this weird need for approval or something from my OB. I think I just wanted to feel seen.</div><div style="text-align: left;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: left;">I had a lot of bleeding in the first few months postpartum. My body was way out of whack and I struggled with the constant starting/stopping of very heavy bleeding for about 4 months after Cami was born. At the time of this 6 week appointment I was bleeding. After a short wait in the waiting room, I was led to the exam room. I told the nurse that I was still bleeding and she said it was okay and that I should still undress so my OB could do an exam. She placed a chux pad on the table and left the room. I undressed, put on the paper "gown" to cover myself up and climbed on the table. For 45 minutes (maybe longer?) I waited on the table, sitting in my own blood, naked from the waist down with only a thin paper drape to keep me warm. </div><div style="text-align: left;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: left;">My OB finally came in. "Hi there. How's everything going? What are we doing for birth control?" That was basically it. Nothing personal, just another patient, another number. In and out as quickly as possible. "Okay you can workout, you can have sex. Off you go!" - isn't that how it always goes, that ONE postpartum check up at 6 weeks pp? With an OB, that's all the 6 week appointment is <i>supposed</i> to be - I know this - but most of the time we just <i>need</i> so much more than that. I left that appointment feeling like the absolute smallest person in the entire world. I felt like I didn't matter at all. To anyone, anywhere (except my husband). My experience didn't matter. Our birth didn't matter. How I felt didn't matter. I went and picked up my 2 older kids from preschool and we just drove. (There were a lot of things that pushed me over the edge with my <a href="http://doublechocolatecake.blogspot.com/2018/06/my-postpartum-depression.html" target="_blank">postpartum depression</a>, but this was absolutely one of them.) We drove and drove and I just cried and cried. I really struggled at the time to put into words how I was feeling - or at least WHY I was feeling that way. (It wasn't until a year or two later that I really began to understand.) I felt <i>so</i> let down. But I also knew it was silly to expect anything more. </div><div style="text-align: left;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: left;">When I was pregnant with my 4th baby, we made the switch to midwifery care. After a miraculous and incredible birth, a pregnancy where I was <i>supported and cared for and prayed over and <b>loved</b>, </i>we showed up to the birth center for my 6 week appointment basically to visit with a good friend. In addition to checking up on physical health, we talked about the birth, we laughed, we (I) cried. We talked about baby, my mental health, how I was adjusting, how the other kids were adjusting, how Ryan was doing mentally, how he felt like he was bonding with this new baby and how we were doing as a couple. And this most recent time was no different! It's truly amazing. With a midwife, the 6 week postpartum visit is NOT an appointment for someone to give you permission to workout and have sex. (In fact, there isn't even an exam unless a pap is due/desired.) It's a time to feel supported, nurtured and cared for. SEEN. "How ARE you? How are you REALLY? Let's talk about it. How can I support you?" It's not goodbye, it's not the end of the chapter, the end of healing or the end of postpartum. It's just a continuation of all of those things. When I leave those appointments with my midwife, she says "<i>Call me! Text me Let me know how things are going! Let's check in and chat! <b>I am <u>still</u> here for you</b>.</i>"</div><div style="text-align: left;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: left;">So on these days (2, so far) where I have met my midwife for the 6 week postpartum visit, <i><b>I celebrate</b></i>. Oh how we celebrate it. It is a day for so much joy and remembrance. I acknowledge how far I've come. I think back to how empty and meaningless those check ups <i>used</i> to be for me, and celebrate how completely opposite they are now, with a this kind of care. I take time to just be thankful. Thankful that I am in a place to receive care from the loving hands and heart of a midwife, and it's just... indescribable. It feels so right to me. <b>And my hope is that if anyone else out there, who has left that 6 week appointment with their OB and felt lost, disappointed, questioned things or wondered why it feels so empty - know that there is so much more out there and you aren't alone.</b></div><div style="text-align: left;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: left;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiJyYpt0kkp7H-5SPwkuaAUSLjcIeA92ammRHBEJFa_XPpBYTvJvOJ6R3fznYOCLXv2JxGgfCmYEXV0MgVocqHDYItSom_o8zM4Bq6MbWx6ppbpBukHKAyDiJimfi5mLdXD7HdC-g2voSM/s640/IMG_7832.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="640" data-original-width="480" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiJyYpt0kkp7H-5SPwkuaAUSLjcIeA92ammRHBEJFa_XPpBYTvJvOJ6R3fznYOCLXv2JxGgfCmYEXV0MgVocqHDYItSom_o8zM4Bq6MbWx6ppbpBukHKAyDiJimfi5mLdXD7HdC-g2voSM/s320/IMG_7832.jpg" width="240" /></a> <a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh0C8WtmAzxAmfmFQjV_p_7N5iDpXu3A30UstOs-LOKFRBeg7ISE1UBiJPy1gDB8hJV_-e2KrftBz3uJPWMgi2sdVYVMUqOKbntb0R_yUmkxqAs3ZOgz7vU4REAl6mQm03fysuNOIg5fAQ/s640/IMG_7874.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="640" data-original-width="480" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh0C8WtmAzxAmfmFQjV_p_7N5iDpXu3A30UstOs-LOKFRBeg7ISE1UBiJPy1gDB8hJV_-e2KrftBz3uJPWMgi2sdVYVMUqOKbntb0R_yUmkxqAs3ZOgz7vU4REAl6mQm03fysuNOIg5fAQ/s320/IMG_7874.jpg" width="240" /></a><br /><br /></div><br /><div style="text-align: left;"><br /></div>Stephaniehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13661158320044251543noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2097652156222539639.post-36060773482532385882021-07-23T06:28:00.007-07:002021-07-23T12:45:03.222-07:00My Postpartum Plan<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh65c1aX2QN_xMkce_y1bs3glOg_pDoH_2DCMM6r3f5MoqccN7aRhAdTD5u21sIZNiii276FDM71qaq0y8OhT-rlPqyOvY9nuJFbOxczKu148KA5Qc_5u8D5xuUvmmCWCSzdvRIXmN3zss/s1600/IMG_1265.JPG" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1067" data-original-width="1600" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh65c1aX2QN_xMkce_y1bs3glOg_pDoH_2DCMM6r3f5MoqccN7aRhAdTD5u21sIZNiii276FDM71qaq0y8OhT-rlPqyOvY9nuJFbOxczKu148KA5Qc_5u8D5xuUvmmCWCSzdvRIXmN3zss/s320/IMG_1265.JPG" width="320" /></a></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Lisa LeBaron Photography and Film</td></tr></tbody></table><div style="text-align: left;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: left;">After 4 babies and 4 very different postpartum experiences (and having a horrific experience with postpartum depression after having my 3rd baby) I have spent the last several years really diving DEEP into learning about and understanding <i>fully</i> the postpartum phase. I've learned from my own experiences, from other cultures, from books and from other women. I know what postpartum is <i>supposed</i> to look like (and also what it's NOT). I thought it would be helpful (for myself mostly, but possibly someone else out there) to summarize how the things that I have learned have translated into what we plan and prepare for! Laying this foundation of healing and nurturing is SO necessary, and I truly believe that if more women treated (and <i>respected</i>!) postpartum this way we would see a <i>significant</i> decrease in ppd/ppa/postpartum mood disorders. </div><div style="text-align: left;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">To quote a previous blog post written after I had given birth to my 4th baby: <b>"<span style="background-color: white;">In the past, I have gauged a "successful" postpartum experience by how "normal" I felt, how many normal activities/routines I could get back to and </span><i style="background-color: white;">how quickly I could get back to them</i><span style="background-color: white;">. </span></b></span><span style="background-color: white; font-family: inherit;">I have previously bragged about pushing Heidi around in a grocery cart and grocery shopping 5 days after giving birth to Wells. I </span><i style="background-color: white; font-family: inherit;">thought </i><span style="background-color: white; font-family: inherit;">that's what it meant that things were going well. And while yes I can still look back at the fact that I was feeling well enough physically and emotionally to do that as a blessing - I didn't</span><i style="background-color: white; font-family: inherit;"> need</i><span style="background-color: white; font-family: inherit;"> to be doing that. That's not how you allow your body and soul to heal and be restored. This time, I'm bragging about how much time I'm spending in bed - </span><i style="background-color: white; font-family: inherit;"><b>and I think that's how it's supposed to be when you have a brand new baby.</b>" </i></div><div style="text-align: left;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: left;">***A side note on the topic of postpartum: I would like to encourage EVERY woman who is pregnant, plans to be pregnant one day, a person who is married/committed to someone pregnant, or really <i>anyone who will be in close contact with a woman through the birth and immediate postpartum experiences</i> to read the book <a href="https://www.amazon.com/Fourth-Trimester-Postpartum-Balancing-Restoring/dp/1611804000/ref=sr_1_1?dchild=1&keywords=the+fourth+trimester&qid=1626872391&sr=8-1">"The Fourth Trimester" by Kimberly Ann Johnson</a>. This is quite possibly one of THE most important resources out there when it comes to just simply understanding the postpartum experience and also how to plan and prepare for it. I also found it very healing, reassuring and validating reading it for the first time <i>after</i> my experience with postpartum depression following the birth of my third baby. The author is able to put words to things that are hard to express, and really helps to shed light on what the TRUE postpartum needs are. I wish, OH how I wish, that women spent even just a quarter of the amount of time planning for (or just learning about) the postpartum phase as they do planning for baby. I wish so badly that I had prepared/set guidelines for my first 3 postpartum experiences the way I do now, but especially with my first!***</div><div style="text-align: left;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: left;">Okay, onto the plan! I break down my postpartum experience into 4 different phases: The first 15 days, days 15-40, day 40-3 months, and months 4-12 and beyond. </div><div style="text-align: left;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: left;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: left;"><u> <b>The First 15 days</b></u></div><div style="text-align: left;">The first 15 days is a "lying in" period - "5 days <i>in</i> the bed, 5 days <i>on</i> the bed and 5 days <i>around</i> the bed." </div><div style="text-align: left;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: left;">- <u>Days 1-5 In the Bed:</u> The first 5 days, <i>I am not getting out of bed except to use the bathroom and bathe.</i> I don't get up to get myself food, I don't get up to answer the door, I don't get up for anything. Everything is brought to me or handled by someone else. If you come to visit baby and me (which, typically visitors are very much welcome and healthy for me!) WE WILL BE HANGING OUT IN THE MASTER BEDROOM AND I WILL BE IN BED - PROBABLY UNDER THE COVERS!</div><div style="text-align: left;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: left;">- <u>Days 5-10 On the Bed:</u> I still spend almost all of my time in or on the bed. I <i>might</i> move to the couch to visit with a friend here and there but then return immediately to bed. I might sit outside for a few minutes, lay on the floor to do some breath work or ride along in the car with Ryan to pick up groceries or coffee (but no getting out of the car), and I always return straight to bed afterwards if any of these things happen. I am always sitting or laying down. All meals are still eaten in bed.</div><div style="text-align: left;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: left;">- <u>Days 10-15 Around the Bed:</u> Most of my time is still spent in bed. I will let myself be out in public for <i>very</i> brief periods of time if it happens, but with Ryan and baby at my side the whole time. Sitting inside our usual Starbucks (where we know the employees) with Ryan for 10 minutes, or maybe a very quick little lunch date with Ryan and baby is okay, depending on how I feel. IF any of those outside-of-the-house things do happen, Ryan and I both know that if/when things start to feel like a little bit too much, I start to get emotional or suddenly feel too exhausted that means it's time to bail and tuck me back into bed with baby. That's expected and okay! During days 10-15, I'm basically either in bed, in the room next to my bed or on my way back to bed. </div><div style="text-align: left;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: left;"><br /><b><u>Days 15-40</u></b><br />- I still do not do any cooking, cleaning or exercise. All outings are kept <i>simple </i>and I am only "showing up" to things outside of the house and nothing more (no bringing baked goods to a gathering or worrying about a birthday present for a kids' party or anything like that). <b>JUST showing up is enough.</b> This is also usually about the time that Ryan goes back to work as well, so I am responsible for getting the kids to and from where they need to go during the week. If/when we are invited somewhere and I feel like attending, it must be a safe space, with people that I know and who know me. My baby will be with me or within sight the entire time. This is all VERY important.</div><div style="text-align: left;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: left;"><br /><u><b>Days 40-3mos (4th trimester)</b></u><br />- The rest of the "4th trimester" lasts through the end of the 3rd month. I still take it easy during this time. Small jogs are okay if I feel up for it and have stopped bleeding, but I do not allow myself to do any high intensity workouts regardless of how great I might think I feel. (And if at any point I start spotting or bleeding that is an indication to me to not only <b>stop</b> but to slow down and rest MORE than I had been.) The 5 universal postpartum needs are still prioritized, in order to nourish my body and my soul but also so that I can continue to remind myself that the 4th trimester is still VERY freshly postpartum. (The 5 needs are - extended rest period, nourishing food, loving touch, the presence of wise women and spiritual companionship and contact with nature.)</div><div style="text-align: left;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: left;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: left;"><b><u>3 mos - 12 mos (and beyond)</u></b><br />- I don't have a lot of specific rituals or guidelines for myself for this time period, other than just acknowledging that the first year is still delicate and that I'm still in the postpartum period. I do not allow myself to run any half marathons in those first 12 months after giving birth, as it's important to give my body the proper chance to heal before putting it through the rigors of training/running those longer distances. I also always struggle with feeling the distance grow my pregnancy/birth experiences and my "new life", so I like to celebrate little milestones/anniversaries here and there to acknowledge their significance and stay connected to them. I don't usually plan those out ahead of time though, just do little things here and there as it feels right. </div><div style="text-align: left;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: left;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: left;">For the first time ever, I also made a little postpartum basket for myself so I thought I would share what I put inside! </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgZSO6NluGS_8lJIhcM-bRvE587G-ueXolpU7gbKZACDBPUma-rmBBDo-xwY8p8VbOZgY2zZS_LKNkoFsA2BgPxFiqLCdiyI1XHiOolUDv3SkvQgX6qiyvKknRKAXc38PjJpODdsZUW0Aw/s2016/5B223412-E23A-4A83-92CC-9485041EB2FB.JPEG" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1512" data-original-width="2016" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgZSO6NluGS_8lJIhcM-bRvE587G-ueXolpU7gbKZACDBPUma-rmBBDo-xwY8p8VbOZgY2zZS_LKNkoFsA2BgPxFiqLCdiyI1XHiOolUDv3SkvQgX6qiyvKknRKAXc38PjJpODdsZUW0Aw/s320/5B223412-E23A-4A83-92CC-9485041EB2FB.JPEG" width="320" /></a></div><div><div style="text-align: left;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: left;">I tried to include a few of the "necessities" but also a few self-care items as well! (Half of these items will end up living in the bathroom but for now they can all hang out together!) I've got some foot masks, my Frida Mom upside down peri bottle, some super plus pads, comfy Frida Mom disposable undies, a printed version of my in-depth postpartum care plan (this is much more detailed plan my therapist and I worked together on, including sleep priorities, who is responsible for what, phone numbers of support people, etc.) I've got some super soft washable nursing pads in there for the early days, but after my milk comes in I usually have to use disposables bc I leak SO much and nothing will hold that much leaked milk except disposables! I also have my favorite water cup, as well as some of my favorite nursing snacks! I feel like every nursing mom has "her" go-to breastfeeding snacks (to the point where it's almost ritual or tradition!) but mine are <a href="https://shop.clifbar.com/collections/clif-kid-zfruit">Clif Kid Zfruit fruit ropes</a> and (not pictured) these <a href="https://www.cookingclassy.com/bake-chocolate-energy-bites/">no-bake energy bites</a>! Man I just can't get enough of either one of those and Ryan always brings me some (plus other snacks) for every middle of the night nursing sesh and frequently throughout the day! Proper nourishment, snacking and hydration are <i>crucial</i> in those early nursing days and that combined with tons of baby snuggles is SOO good for establishing a solid milk supply! I also picked up some of my fave Trader Joe's snacks - chocolate coconut covered almonds and dark chocolate covered blueberries :). I also have a sitz spray, sitz bath herbs for baths, my favorite tea and a copy of the the "Well Mom Checklist" provided by the Center for Postpartum Family Health/my therapist. I found a cute new basket at Target that makes me feel happy to put everything in. I love just pulling all of this out, staring at it and picturing a restful postpartum period with all my goodies by my side and of course allll the new baby snuggles. </div><div style="text-align: left;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: left;">While I am always a little nervous to enter into the postpartum period, I feel like at this point I am as prepared as one can possibly be. I have such a DEEP understanding (and respect) for not only what <i>I</i> need but what <i>all</i> women need postpartum. We've done the work (both mental and physical) and we're as ready as we'll ever be! </div><div style="text-align: left;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: left;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: left;">To read a little bit more in depth about what all of this looks like check out this blog post I wrote after I gave birth to Serena: <a href="http://doublechocolatecake.blogspot.com/2020/01/postpartum-thoughts-and-our-first-15.html">Postpartum Thoughts and Our First 15 Days</a></div><div style="text-align: left;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: left;">If you're curious about my experience with postpartum depression you can read about that here: <a href="http://doublechocolatecake.blogspot.com/2018/06/my-postpartum-depression.html">My Postpartum Depression</a></div></div>Stephaniehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13661158320044251543noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2097652156222539639.post-77906225444431058432021-06-23T11:58:00.005-07:002021-06-23T12:08:30.733-07:00Prenatal Care with a Midwife: Weeks 20-28<div style="text-align: left;">Continued from<a href="http://doublechocolatecake.blogspot.com/2021/03/prenatal-care-with-midwife.html" target="_blank"> Prenatal Care with a Midwife: Weeks 4-18</a></div><div style="text-align: left;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: left;">For those curious, I wanted to share a quick follow up regarding what prenatal care with a midwife looks like and how it compares to seeing an OB! (And just in case I hadn't mentioned it before, I did want to point out that all of my prenatal appointments with my midwife are roughly an hour long. I just love the care and attention that midwives provide, and the personal relationship that forms during these times together is truly incomparable! Such a different feel and environment from the in-and-out experience in a solely medical-based setting!)</div><div style="text-align: left;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: left;"><b><u>20 week ultrasound</u></b></div><div style="text-align: left;">Just like with an OB, at 20 weeks a full anatomy scan is done to count fingers and toes (and of course all the other parts too)! Since I work with a midwife through a local birth center, I go to the birth center where a sonographer performs the scan. The results are then sent off for full analysis! Since we chose not to know the gender, the sonographer checks those parts first (while Ryan, my midwife and I look away from the screen). No one knows the gender of our baby except the sonographer and God - it's even a surprise for our midwife! We saw baby opening and closing his/her mouth, with feet all the way up next to the head! Pictures and videos on our cell phones were welcome, so we have a few of those in addition to the printed out photos! (Also, even though masks are optional and I am fully vaccinated, I had a head cold for the anatomy scan and didn't want to infect the sonographer or my midwife so I wore a mask!)</div><div style="text-align: left;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhAKGYj93t8SuaoG360VBT-MNw75KTZ7eYPddXCMYFl-irQKswuXnod7lnQ18DXRFC07XT2UkuXqtPX6_EBNCyh-hswAEuCt4M0kG-xsunc9fSRNvISUqPetUQ5INQoNBzvGvvm9gswstw/s2016/IMG_3257.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="2016" data-original-width="1512" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhAKGYj93t8SuaoG360VBT-MNw75KTZ7eYPddXCMYFl-irQKswuXnod7lnQ18DXRFC07XT2UkuXqtPX6_EBNCyh-hswAEuCt4M0kG-xsunc9fSRNvISUqPetUQ5INQoNBzvGvvm9gswstw/s320/IMG_3257.jpg" /></a></div><br /><div style="text-align: left;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: left;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: left;"><b><u>22 week appointment</u></b></div><div style="text-align: left;">As I mentioned previously, "my" midwife now works alongside 2 other midwives at the birth center to form a team of 3, so of course there are a few appointments scheduled with these other 2 ladies so that I'm familiar with them as well, just in case they happen to be the ones to attend our birth! This week my appointment was with the "third" midwife BUT I actually already kind of know her, so it was still a familiar face! (Several years ago, she came to our house to do a "postpartum sealing ceremony" after my birth and PPD experience with Cami, my third. It was an AMAZING and truly healing experience!) I think it's so cool that she works at the birth center now, as she wasn't when I had met her previously! At this appointment, we reviewed the radiologists report regarding the anatomy scan (everything looks great!). Since Ryan and I also opted for genetic testing via blood work, we reviewed all of those results as well! Thankfully, everything there came back normal also. After reviewing all of the results, we proceeded with all the routine "check up" things - weight check, urinalysis, blood pressure check, fundal height measurement (measuring the size of the uterus) and listening to baby's heartbeat all included! My uterus measured closer to 20 weeks, but +/- 2 weeks is completely normal. </div><div style="text-align: left;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: left;"><u><b>26 week appointment</b></u></div><div style="text-align: left;">This time I met with my "main" midwife again. It was good to see her! Even though she was with us at the anatomy scan it felt like it have been forever since I had had a routine appointment with her! We did all the usual (checked weight, urine, BP, fundal height and baby's heartbeat) reviewed my diet and exercise routines and also talked about my emotional/mental health. We then discussed the glucose test which would take place at my next appointment (28 weeks). After this appointment, I would be switching to having appointments every 2 weeks - third trimester baby!! My midwife gave me the bottle of glucola to take home (the kool-aid-like drink you have to drink before the blood test) as well as instructions on what to eat that morning and when, what time to drink the glucola at home, and what time the blood draw at my next appointment would be! My midwife also felt for baby's position, and guessed that baby was still breach (not that it matters at all at this point it's just fun to know!)</div><div style="text-align: left;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: left;"><b><u>28 week appointment</u></b></div><div style="text-align: left;">This week, I met with the "third" midwife again and did all the normal routine stuff. About halfway through the appointment, exactly 1 hour after I had ingested the glucola at home, she drew my blood for the glucose test. She also felt around for baby's position, and it seemed like baby might already be head down, though she didn't act 100% convinced quite yet (and again - doesn't matter knowing at this point it's just interesting/for fun!) </div><div style="text-align: left;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: left;">A few days later, I found out that I did NOT pass the glucose test. This was a first for me as I have always passed first shot with my 4 previous pregnancies. It's definitely not uncommon to fail the first test but pass the second (longer) test, so I wasn't overly panicked but hopeful that the second test wouldn't show any issues. My midwife called to give me 2 options, (either use a blood glucose meter and check my blood sugar 3 times a day for a week OR come in and do a 2 or 3 hour glucose test). I ended up deciding to start with a 2 hour glucose test and see how that went. (I opted for 2 hours instead of 3 hours bc I would have all 4 kids with me that day!) I did this test completely fasting, went to the birth center for the baseline draw and to drink the glucola there this time. I drove around for an hour with the kids, then returned to the birth center for the next blood draw - exactly 1 hour after the baseline draw/glucola. After another hour of driving around we returned to the birth center for the next draw - exactly 2 hours after the baseline draw/glucola. After all was said and done I PASSED this time! Even though it felt like a very long and draining day, shuffling kids in and out of the birth center and just being out of the house, I was/am SO grateful!!</div><div style="text-align: left;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: left;">Just like with an OB, appointments will continue every 2 weeks, until we get to that last month of pregnancy (36 weeks) and then we will switch to weekly appointments! </div><div style="text-align: left;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: left;">Up next: Weeks 30-34!</div>Stephaniehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13661158320044251543noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2097652156222539639.post-31263681036284510572021-03-07T17:04:00.005-08:002021-05-15T05:05:26.734-07:00First Half Marathon with Baby #5!<div style="text-align: left;">13.1 miles. <br />2:11:25 (including a bathroom stop in the woods😆). <br />18 weeks pregnant. </div><div style="text-align: left;">WE DID IT!! This past weekend, baby and I ran our first half marathon together! Here are just a few pictures from race day!</div><p><br /></p><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg8Kbu89f87tPgYGTvhyqpf3siLsYKX0hU3q9Udxr48VAa_eakjd4S7pgL4p57ib1T8Cngj1G7Z6cTk6g0mu_PztQINk5bl4vERh7JudEbxSqKl61ggfRZcdRvKGconpeQupvaHnd9C3OQ/s2016/IMG_3072.jpg" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="2016" data-original-width="1512" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg8Kbu89f87tPgYGTvhyqpf3siLsYKX0hU3q9Udxr48VAa_eakjd4S7pgL4p57ib1T8Cngj1G7Z6cTk6g0mu_PztQINk5bl4vERh7JudEbxSqKl61ggfRZcdRvKGconpeQupvaHnd9C3OQ/s320/IMG_3072.jpg" /></a></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Ready to race! Hubby got me a hotel within walking distance to the start line and that made race day SO much more enjoyable!! (Also, I made the switch to bike shorts for running this pregnancy and already loving it! So much better than trying to run in running shorts!)</td></tr></tbody></table><br /><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"><br /><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjMW5qcjHFYhb6pbvzMfz4yBOtKnH94wgQ6wwsdoAKZJE48gFwS0tSi5sjr4U8ZXy-D3FyNSjezPaF9TKGPuD9cazyL1rcymrWw78F0Lwu3tpMl5yE7AtLM6LUF0Gx3gjDzSVaVtK8nmB4/s2016/IMG_3074.jpg" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="2016" data-original-width="1512" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjMW5qcjHFYhb6pbvzMfz4yBOtKnH94wgQ6wwsdoAKZJE48gFwS0tSi5sjr4U8ZXy-D3FyNSjezPaF9TKGPuD9cazyL1rcymrWw78F0Lwu3tpMl5yE7AtLM6LUF0Gx3gjDzSVaVtK8nmB4/s320/IMG_3074.jpg" /></a></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Waiting to start! Corrals were SO spread out to keep everyone safely distanced... my corral was so far from the start line that we were all the way up on the 3rd floor of a parking garage! </td></tr></tbody></table><br /><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"><br /><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiyiQliDICB63GfyM1lvPschiklhDuNRhnAi74hdSWqv1MldsVCD8UXXGUqIqYr1RpVr16od8JLF8xboP-GNicEVEblV99fThn6c8xsZkkUYG2TxQEYnW_rnTSbqXDj_n-co074etDmsNY/s2016/IMG_3076.jpg" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="2016" data-original-width="1512" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiyiQliDICB63GfyM1lvPschiklhDuNRhnAi74hdSWqv1MldsVCD8UXXGUqIqYr1RpVr16od8JLF8xboP-GNicEVEblV99fThn6c8xsZkkUYG2TxQEYnW_rnTSbqXDj_n-co074etDmsNY/s320/IMG_3076.jpg" /></a></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">See you in 13.1! A little bit different looking start line this time around...this race is <i>always</i> so well put together but I was very impressed with how well organized and coordinated everything was this year in spite of the circumstances!</td></tr></tbody></table><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjOxFrWAOatWwgq_Vn7cWJMSZ09C8eqVHp-zasNnSoGgwbBglXmLMadLIkIQ2WzfILME6WEBOjgFiVWkN1wx7_YilU8rQIJY_k27ZonWqyMKVeeIDhritWYk3LnTm1PwcerbtTzlLsThZA/s2016/3B05AC94-DADD-424A-AF8B-6027349FF49A.JPEG" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="2016" data-original-width="1512" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjOxFrWAOatWwgq_Vn7cWJMSZ09C8eqVHp-zasNnSoGgwbBglXmLMadLIkIQ2WzfILME6WEBOjgFiVWkN1wx7_YilU8rQIJY_k27ZonWqyMKVeeIDhritWYk3LnTm1PwcerbtTzlLsThZA/s320/3B05AC94-DADD-424A-AF8B-6027349FF49A.JPEG" /></a></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Finished!! The weather could not have been more PERFECT for running and this course is just so great!! Finally running an in person race felt absolutely incredible and I am so thankful that baby and I had a such smooth and easy run! </td></tr></tbody></table><div style="text-align: center;"><br /><br /><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiVngGtRYB8KPA15qzCk1rjLOjB1nwRXzKL5VaKl3i75krmBEZR-4sGHluA1hBRnNKkBb3N6m-hC8cXdvd59S5GnCYNpjhI0YlfQ5KBJW-4v_-hgzb5S-Awyuq5zg9rIXQoewOh7OFMiSs/s2016/0B7C6FD6-31D1-4F50-85F1-AA11139A48C1.JPEG" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="2016" data-original-width="1512" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiVngGtRYB8KPA15qzCk1rjLOjB1nwRXzKL5VaKl3i75krmBEZR-4sGHluA1hBRnNKkBb3N6m-hC8cXdvd59S5GnCYNpjhI0YlfQ5KBJW-4v_-hgzb5S-Awyuq5zg9rIXQoewOh7OFMiSs/s320/0B7C6FD6-31D1-4F50-85F1-AA11139A48C1.JPEG" /></a></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Even though I am vaccinated and protected against COVID I still <i>greatly</i> appreciated the fact that masks were required for all and that I didn't have to share air with someone that I didn't know where they had been hah! So SO grateful for <i>everything</i> that needed to happen in order for this <b>LIVE RACE</b> to take place!! (I really would have done pretty much <b>ANYTHING</b> to run an in person race so a mask and keeping my distance from others seemed like a pretty simple request haha!) It was seriously so exciting -<i><b> finally</b></i>! </td></tr></tbody></table></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /><br /></div><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi-F4hzNoIQMyTpQpCuJpZbOaB1ZKSNEt_R3fe6I8xlM67a_VIr1S-hcw-fSRBG9sF7QPPKp7kmVh3yvZFZTsqjc5FXZfc2d16-t3n0QkMmZAIwuqK_oNJHezOlF4TQAM8dCmVKTA7R7Q4/s2016/IMG_3089.jpg" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="2016" data-original-width="1512" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi-F4hzNoIQMyTpQpCuJpZbOaB1ZKSNEt_R3fe6I8xlM67a_VIr1S-hcw-fSRBG9sF7QPPKp7kmVh3yvZFZTsqjc5FXZfc2d16-t3n0QkMmZAIwuqK_oNJHezOlF4TQAM8dCmVKTA7R7Q4/s320/IMG_3089.jpg" /></a></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">I felt super emotional after finishing so I let myself just BATHE in those post race (/pregnancy!) hormones and runners high! I stood at the finish line for a while and watched all of the FULL marathoners working hard to cross the finish line before the 3 hour mark (what?!?!?!) It was so incredible to see them break 3 hours and I just soaked up ALL the feelings and let myself cry as I watched them! I felt proud of them and proud of myself!!</td></tr></tbody></table><div style="text-align: center;"><br /></div><br /><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjUExGV7f-dXp5y4Gicx4G3SkLYFd5Ma5vK1898YokbX6l9TP1VMcaDZAzZafTD04MnzPc3PXbAcRFSkGQYiA_jkevgTnn96H0CjPsgPTaa3qpesoVo19O4za1x-2JlawxRJ6shgeEsvNA/s1544/IMG_3084.jpg" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1544" data-original-width="1158" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjUExGV7f-dXp5y4Gicx4G3SkLYFd5Ma5vK1898YokbX6l9TP1VMcaDZAzZafTD04MnzPc3PXbAcRFSkGQYiA_jkevgTnn96H0CjPsgPTaa3qpesoVo19O4za1x-2JlawxRJ6shgeEsvNA/s320/IMG_3084.jpg" /></a></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Love this race! Looking forward to the next one :).</td></tr></tbody></table><br /><div><br /></div>Stephaniehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13661158320044251543noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2097652156222539639.post-81193627527767237392021-03-05T14:13:00.005-08:002021-06-23T12:07:16.869-07:00Prenatal Care With a Midwife: Weeks 4-18<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiFUBiuFDg6hyA7hxq9fSVIbhnkiS2CjEZY1t3wHUv211K3fbxJUpyYT0CPuNA7BveIEaserAfAQnCulHQ7O4G3x7G8em5Yn8qkDnoi27DLNQZnxLdyP0JRClZWUnGIqjtsvWQ488qGMKs/s2016/IMG_8661+%25282%2529.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="2016" data-original-width="1512" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiFUBiuFDg6hyA7hxq9fSVIbhnkiS2CjEZY1t3wHUv211K3fbxJUpyYT0CPuNA7BveIEaserAfAQnCulHQ7O4G3x7G8em5Yn8qkDnoi27DLNQZnxLdyP0JRClZWUnGIqjtsvWQ488qGMKs/s320/IMG_8661+%25282%2529.jpg" /></a></div><div><br /></div>After experiencing prenatal care/birth through both a physician (babies 1, 2 & 3) and a midwife (baby #4) we have chosen midwifery care again for baby #5! To be completely honest, I kind of miss that being our "secret". With my last baby, I didn't broadcast that information - that at 12 weeks we had switched care to a midwife and were choosing to birth out of hospital for the first time. It was a very personal choice and not one that I was open to hearing other people's opinions or judgement about, and I really liked getting to choose who we shared that information with. Also, there is of course, always a chance of that plan needing to change should an issue arise and I guess maybe I didn't want to "jinx" things by shouting it from the rooftops? Especially since that was a new/foreign experience for us. Since it's not really a "secret" this time, I want to share a bit about what my prenatal midwife appointments look like.<div><br /></div><div>I think when people hear that a woman is receiving prenatal care with a midwife, the automatic assumption is that she is receiving LESS care than she would if seeing an OB. (I know I probably thought that at some point in my life!) This is in fact quite the opposite. (Obviously, I'm speaking about low-risk pregnancies, this would clearly not ring true in a high-risk situation.) After multiple experiences with an OB as well as a midwife, I can honestly say that as a low-risk pregnancy person<b> I receive MORE care and attention, both medically and emotionally, through midwifery care than through standard healthcare. </b>Over the course of 1.5 pregnancies, I have really loved not only how <i><b>personal</b></i> midwifery care is, but as someone who is fairly practical (and married to someone who is <i>very</i> practical) I really appreciate how <i><b>thorough</b></i> it is as well. </div><div><br /></div><div>So what does that mean? Before experiencing it myself, I just wasn't sure what to expect. "<i>Does XYZ happen? What about ___? My OB tests for this... does a midwife do the same? What am I 'missing out on' by NOT seeing an OB?? What sort of routine testing actually occurs? Are we just totally winging it with a midwife, hoping and praying everything works out okay? How does all of this work?</i>" I'll start from the beginning...!</div><div><br /></div><div>Even when choosing a midwife for prenatal care, I personally still prefer to confirm the pregnancy through my OB with an ultrasound. This is mostly because I want to make sure everything is <i>where</i> it needs to be and if anything looks off right off the bat, then I'm already where I need to be to receive medical care (ex. ectopic pregnancy or another condition in which surgery might be required). Also, I DO want to maintain my status as an active patient at my OB's office, so that's a good way to "get a visit in" so they don't drop me as a patient after not seeing me for a certain period of time! So, I did that this time as well. <a href="http://doublechocolatecake.blogspot.com/2021/01/finding-out-about-baby-5.html" target="_blank">When I found out about this current pregnancy</a> (baby #5), my midwife did run blood work to test my hCG at 4 weeks and we set a date for my first official appointment with her. Then at 8 weeks I saw the CNM (midwife) at my OB's office for an ultrasound. (Though, I declined the bloodwork and STD vaginal swab/pap there at that time, since I had just had a pap a few months prior.)</div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div><div><b><u>First Midwife Appointment! - 10 weeks pregnant</u></b></div><div>At 10 weeks pregnant, I had my first official appointment with my midwife. Ryan was able to be there and somehow we didn't have to bring any kids with us! Each appointment always starts off with a urinalysis and weight check, just like at the doctor's office. I take down my own weight on the scale in the bathroom, and bring the urine test stick to my midwife for her to review. Since this first appointment was the initial intake, we also reviewed my medical history extensively and made sure nothing had changed in the last year and a half. We discussed what I typically eat for meals, how much water I drink and my exercise routines. We talked about how I had been sleeping, how I had been feeling physically and my midwife asked me a few more questions about my current physical health. We talked about prenatal vitamins/supplements and some ways to cope with heartburn! We also talked about my emotional health, how I was coping with the news of this pregnancy and just what had been going on in my life. Then I moved over to the exam table, where a physical exam was done. BP, HR and pulse are always taken at every appointment, but this being the first appointment it was a little more in depth. Then we listened to baby with a fetal doppler (that's abdominal not vaginal) and my midwife took my blood to run some bloodwork. Though, I again opted out of the vaginal swab/STD check, Ryan and I still chose to do genetic testing, so my midwife took additional blood for that as well. </div><div><br /></div><div>Note: Some OBs will do a <b>nuchal fold scan (or NT scan) </b>around 13 weeks, but a lot don't. This ultrasound examines the fluid at the base of baby's neck, and abnormal results can indicate a potential chromosomal abnormality. My OB is one that does typically offer this scan, so in the past I was used to having that. This is probably one of the only differences in care that I have noticed in my own experience with an OB and midwife. Since we already opted for genetic testing, and many people that I know personally do not get the 13 week scan, I have never felt concerned with "missing out" on this testing. The results of this particular scan wouldn't affect our decisions to proceed with the pregnancy anyways.</div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div><div><b><u>Appointment #2 - 14 weeks pregnant</u></b></div><div>Without going into too much detail, prior to my appointment there were some things that made that day very difficult. I was really struggling emotionally with feeling like this baby matters or that me or this pregnancy was/is a priority. I had been crying prior to arriving at my appointment, but once I sat down in my midwife's office and she asked me how I was doing I burst into tears again. (Ryan wasn't able to attend this appointment bc he needed to stay with the kids.) We probably spent about 15 minutes talking about what I was struggling with, while I cried and my midwife held my hands, listened and then prayed over me and baby. I then got up to go weigh myself and do the urinalysis. We discussed allll of the results from the bloodwork from my previous visit, went over my diet, water intake, exercise, sleep, etc. from the previous 4 weeks. My HR, BP and pulse were taken, we listened to baby, scheduled my next appointment and then I snapped a picture of the model of how big our baby is currently. </div><br /><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjKJuyEmEJfjw5eWHZGcsghgKOH5NwjyAnD3-FlgKQV3g86Wamf71Urqf1-dbhDuXUsWwnhnvGjgQfzRClpUJCvMHIkj7FIemhguFruGpAi1YOvy35LZ74KTnHwKkz3SFtY6SvKoIIxiNg/s2016/IMG_2289.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="2016" data-original-width="1512" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjKJuyEmEJfjw5eWHZGcsghgKOH5NwjyAnD3-FlgKQV3g86Wamf71Urqf1-dbhDuXUsWwnhnvGjgQfzRClpUJCvMHIkj7FIemhguFruGpAi1YOvy35LZ74KTnHwKkz3SFtY6SvKoIIxiNg/s320/IMG_2289.jpg" /></a><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhLjEWkiK3PFzw8SNJr2LNNsXCu8LsVlFmbRevuHTG-D_XefQnvMWjzeyle3jiEQm5xT2d_N3sVM3zEDy2tynAMKo0sL6cgtU4UyCFdQaG25hB90j48mu2va7sLczIupkw1pTNPJ5wwV5s/s2016/IMG_2295.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="2016" data-original-width="1512" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhLjEWkiK3PFzw8SNJr2LNNsXCu8LsVlFmbRevuHTG-D_XefQnvMWjzeyle3jiEQm5xT2d_N3sVM3zEDy2tynAMKo0sL6cgtU4UyCFdQaG25hB90j48mu2va7sLczIupkw1pTNPJ5wwV5s/s320/IMG_2295.jpg" /></a></div><br /><div><br /></div><div><u><b>Appointment #3 - 18 weeks pregnant</b></u></div><div>At this appointment, I met with a different midwife than I usually do. The birth center that I go to has recently started a "rolling" on call schedule, so of course they want you to be familiar with all of the midwives there! This was my first time meeting with someone else there but it was just as enjoyable. The appointment began with the usual weight check and urine test. We discussed whether anything had changed since my last visit whether with diet, exercise, water intake, etc. HR, BP and pulse were taken and we listened to baby's heart beat. Everything was pretty standard and not much different from my previous appointment. While, I of course missed "MY" midwife I enjoyed getting to meet with someone new! I will be meeting with another midwife next visit as well, but it's actually one that I have a previous experience with ;). Yay! I'm excited to continue to share more about our prenatal care moving forward!</div><div><br /></div><div><b><u><br /></u></b></div><div><b style="text-decoration-line: underline;">Up next: Anatomy scan @ 20 weeks!</b> </div><div><br /></div><div>Continued here: <a href="http://doublechocolatecake.blogspot.com/2021/06/prenatal-care-with-midwife-weeks-20-28.html" target="_blank">Prenatal Care With a Midwife: Weeks 20-28</a></div><div><br /></div>Stephaniehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13661158320044251543noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2097652156222539639.post-82050953318109092852021-01-21T06:03:00.010-08:002021-07-20T06:48:45.442-07:00Finding out about Baby #5<div style="text-align: center;"><b style="font-family: inherit;">"The God who calls you is also the One who will enable you to do His will" </b></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><b>- Henry Blackaby on 1 Thess. 5:24</b></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><b>***</b>PLEASE READ THIS PARAGRAPH ENTIRELY BEFORE SCROLLING: We are officially on our way to becoming a family of SEVEN! So nuts. Rather than start with my usual "basic details" post, I decided to just jump straight into sharing in depth about HOW this happened, our initial reactions/emotions as well as how God is working through this situation. (</span><b style="font-family: inherit;">If you do not wish to know details about our sex life do NOT read this!!!</b><span style="font-family: inherit;">) <u><i><b>But on a more important note:</b></i></u> It is NEVER my intention to cause anyone any sadness, grief or negative feelings. I feel that it is important that I mention right off the bat that if you are struggling with infertility or are currently suffering from trauma or PTSD from a previous infertility or pregnancy loss experience and are feeling especially vulnerable right now, this may not be the right time for you to read this post. While I would never EVER be ungrateful for a baby, there were a lot negative feelings and tears as I struggled to wrap my mind around this very unexpected pregnancy - and I talk about that here, because </span>it is SO important to me to be completely honest in this space. <span style="font-family: inherit;"> <b>If you feel that reading more details about this could be triggering for you, please come back and read this another time down the road if/when the time feels right. </b>What I do know, is that God doesn't make mistakes. There is not a single pregnancy or baby that comes to be (ever!) that is NOT created by Him. I know that He works for our good and for all of those that DO read this post, I want to encourage you to read this post in its entirety. Because He is so so good and I want to give Him all the glory for leading us to and through bringing another life into the world. </span>This whole story is just so...bizarre to me and I know in my heart that the only explanation for ALL of this is God. We can do everything "right" but as humans, there is <i>nothing</i> that we can do the stand in the way of His will and plans. </div><div style="text-align: left;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: left;">Okay let's jump in!</div><div><br /></div><div>The weekend before Thanksgiving, I had been in Austin visiting a friend and running a "virtual" 10K together. While driving home, I saw the DEEPEST most intensely colored rainbow I have ever seen in my life. It actually startled me when I saw it and it physically took my breath away. The pictures I took really don't do it justice. I got super emotional over how beautiful it was! This was a bit odd for me but I really didn't think much of it. </div><div> </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi-KSCmN5ofxhdK9ZE0xQkcXET8yaT0xZyyvBHXw2z452DGMqZC_ddy8pJQNxv5F6G7PmbkrhPbnx6R8VPmUlnzDDE9s-mSrUOnExFxQVTBAGwJ0Nx2ceQadNUis2pd7boIhrvw1S0NHO4/s640/IMG_0088+%25281%2529.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="640" data-original-width="534" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi-KSCmN5ofxhdK9ZE0xQkcXET8yaT0xZyyvBHXw2z452DGMqZC_ddy8pJQNxv5F6G7PmbkrhPbnx6R8VPmUlnzDDE9s-mSrUOnExFxQVTBAGwJ0Nx2ceQadNUis2pd7boIhrvw1S0NHO4/s320/IMG_0088+%25281%2529.jpg" /></a><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiQEpRpAZNC_M7swxrZFHuLfLwi6J-_Wufh4pytchc08a7oBAIna6cbP6umuG65-Ok_V09Ilk1-pplDUnfsBu873ndOHGvI3S7sxapFlu22HlXz81MWcxiXid03fAYh96JVew_BQpPwc20/s640/IMG_0091+%25281%2529.jpg" style="display: inline; margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em; text-align: left;"><img border="0" data-original-height="640" data-original-width="480" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiQEpRpAZNC_M7swxrZFHuLfLwi6J-_Wufh4pytchc08a7oBAIna6cbP6umuG65-Ok_V09Ilk1-pplDUnfsBu873ndOHGvI3S7sxapFlu22HlXz81MWcxiXid03fAYh96JVew_BQpPwc20/s320/IMG_0091+%25281%2529.jpg" /></a></div><div><br /></div><div>When I got home that Sunday night, it was late and I was tired. I came across the cutest little book Heidi had made for/about one of her friends. It was SO sweet and also made me tear up! Throughout our entire marriage, I've always taken pregnancy tests frequently, just to rule it out. It's just something that I do routinely - like shaving my legs or painting my nails or something. Sometimes I think "<i>okay MAYBE there's a tiny chance bc I feel off, even though it's probably in my head or from something else</i>" but this was NOT one of those times. I really didn't give it any thought but just said to myself "<i>I'll take one before I shower, it's physically impossible that it's positive but just a routine check since I keep tearing up but I know I'm just tired</i>" basically. I actually don't even think I gave it THAT much thought. Again, not abnormal, though looking back now it does seem odd that I even decided to test then since I really wasn't having any pregnancy symptoms, or had missed a period or anything like that (my period wasn't due for another <b>10 days!!)</b> </div><div><br /></div><div>ANYWAY, I turned the shower on, grabbed a cheapy test and went into the bathroom. I placed the test on the floor, looked down and immediately saw a second line. I picked it up and must have blinked a thousand times. HOW?? This couldn't be right. There's just NO way. There is NO possible way. This is not happening. I thought something must be wrong with the test or I was imagining things or SOMETHING. I opened the door and yelled for Ryan. (This was definitely not one of those times to sit on the positive test and wait and tell your husband in a cutesy way.) I was experiencing full blown panic and could NOT deal alone. <i>"BABE. COME. HERE. I NEED YOU TO COME HERE.</i>" He came in...<i>"I need you to look at this</i>"!!! Full on panic mode. I've probably taken tens if not hundreds of pregnancy tests over the course of our marriage, and it is IMMEDIATELY obvious to me when something is different (not that it takes a rocket scientist to read a pregnancy test anyway) but even the faintest line is a BIG glaring unmistakable flashing light sign. And this was no faint line.</div><div><br /></div><div>I couldn't feel my legs. My feet were numb. My heart was racing. My mouth was wide open and my hands on my head. "<i>HOW?!</i>" I was standing in the bathroom butt naked while Ryan looked at the test. To sum up his response: "<i>Oh it's fine, no worries!</i>" (He's just so great, y'all.) Well, I think what he actually said was "<i>This is good! It's going to be okay this is great!!</i>" I said "<i>WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU THIS IS NOT OKAY!!!!!</i>" After a few minutes of standing, shocked, I lost almost all feeling in my feet and legs. I made my way over to the shower, and just stood there for about 20 minutes with my mouth still open and a hand on my head. "<i>HOW did this happen? WHEN did this happen??</i>" I kept asking out loud. "<i>HOW?!?! I don't understand! God, WHAT is happening?!</i>" (You know that scene in Friends, where Rachel tells Ross she's pregnant? I WAS Ross y'all!!)</div><div><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><iframe allowfullscreen="" class="BLOG_video_class" height="266" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/T6Wf6-Da6Dk" width="320" youtube-src-id="T6Wf6-Da6Dk"></iframe></div><br /><div>I know that if a cheapy is showing a line that my hCG is at least more than 24ish... I usually find out I'm pregnant when my hCG is 7 and First Response tests are barely picking it up! (My motto has always been "cheapies are great if you're already late!" They are not good at "early" detection.) It just didn't seem like a cheapy should be picking up my hCG if I wasn't even due for my period for another 9-10 days!! So although it was pretty obvious, I just didn't trust it and was also in utter shock and denial. I know that false positives aren't really a thing but I knew was going to need a LOT more confirmation regardless. While I showered, I had Ryan run to the store for some more legit tests. </div><div><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhWFaETPUtFAv9sKYyuLdHYxUJnF72PhKunyqp_mRXprq5us-Iy88FRjHq2pKIalVYUtaK75u0Onk4AIv93K6ObIyZHZkiIdLofSwE3JghEpxntj5C63kyviqUhDoNq2OnqLZ-0XIAtr2E/s640/IMG_1620.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="640" data-original-width="480" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhWFaETPUtFAv9sKYyuLdHYxUJnF72PhKunyqp_mRXprq5us-Iy88FRjHq2pKIalVYUtaK75u0Onk4AIv93K6ObIyZHZkiIdLofSwE3JghEpxntj5C63kyviqUhDoNq2OnqLZ-0XIAtr2E/s320/IMG_1620.jpg" /></a><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiVddb9GO1H75cwLkYXGKuDel2LW_53zZ5rXI5Pt9MvfAl9ovyVvKWYpiuh9jI3Zt0ExJg-xEDMf4xcNr8fRlYA3RM4r9oGtKvozIXseXYq9j3hyphenhyphen945xOF6pirzlypWbF-DvS3cy9qdcOo/s640/IMG_0099.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="640" data-original-width="480" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiVddb9GO1H75cwLkYXGKuDel2LW_53zZ5rXI5Pt9MvfAl9ovyVvKWYpiuh9jI3Zt0ExJg-xEDMf4xcNr8fRlYA3RM4r9oGtKvozIXseXYq9j3hyphenhyphen945xOF6pirzlypWbF-DvS3cy9qdcOo/s320/IMG_0099.jpg" /></a></div></div><br /><div>So here's where it gets personal... First of all, at the time of this positive pregnancy test, keep in mind that I'm breastfeeding my 10 month old baby. My cycles are 45 days long. Breastfeeding hormones bring my sex drive wayyyyyy down to where it's almost nonexistent. Plus add the stress of this year and Ryan being sick during a UC flare up...we just weren't having sex! Over the course of the 6 weeks prior to this pregnancy test, we had sex one time. ONE time. (Which, even when I'm breastfeeding that's abnormally low for us hah!) And we used the same prevention that we've always used - a diaphragm with spermicide. And we have put that thing to the TEST you guys. Soooo many times/months over the last 8 years we have had sex at and around when I KNOW I'm ovulating and that thing did it's job. But there was just SOMETHING about this time... I don't know what it was. Something happened. And all I can say is that it was God. What are the odds, honestly? 10 months postpartum, breastfeeding, wonky long cycles, sex once in 6 weeks, plus a diaphragm. And spermicide?!? (a method which has worked for us for almost our entire marriage and <i>never ever</i> failed). It is just so so insane to me. </div><div><br /></div><div>I have never been so shocked in my life. This was SO unexpected. There were a LOT of emotions for me to process and, I'll be honest, none of them were positive (at first). </div><div><br /></div><div>Of course there was a level of <b>embarrassment</b>. I mean, who has an "oops" baby with #5?? I always assumed if we <i>ever</i> had another "surprise" baby (and of course we would NEVER LOL) it would be because we were being irresponsible or having <i>extreme</i> amounts of sex. <b>We were doing neither! </b>And in all honesty, these days there is typically a small part of me that is almost afraid to have sex in that first year postpartum because I AM scared of getting pregnant "too soon" or before I feel ready (and I don't do synthetic hormones or IUDs in case you are wondering.) Knowing we are both so crazy fertile, I don't exactly fight those breastfeeding hormones that bring my sex drive down hah! It's embarrassing to think that people will assume that we are just plain stupid or don't understand how things work. Even though that's NOT the case, it's still embarrassing. And embarrassing that we did everything we were "supposed to do" and still couldn't stop this from happening. I don't know why but initially I felt some shame in that.</div><div><br /></div><div>In addition to embarrassment, there is of course <b>fear</b>. Fear of judgement and of what other people will think. Fear of what people will say. Fear of the comments strangers, friends and/or family will make. Fear that people will see 5 kids and automatically assume we didn't want that many (not true). (Which, I <i>know</i> what other people think "doesn't matter" but it is still rude/hurtful sometimes. "Haven't figured out how that works yet, huh?" "Is your husband going to get fixed now??" "Wow really got your hands full!" "Y'all must not have cable!" People just think they are SO funny.) Then, there is of course the fear that I won't be able to do it... I haven't had enough time to really even <i>begin</i> to figure out 4 kids yet, if I'm being real. How will I be able to make 5 work?? I know what it's like to have 2 babies 18 months apart, I've done it before. The logistics of the age gap itself doesn't really scare me... but... what does scare me is 5 kids 7 years old and under. That is so intense! I didn't "choose" for that to happen and that's hard and scary. <b>There is also the fear of what it will look like to put my body through another pregnancy when it hasn't recovered from the last one yet. </b>Especially with the way 2020 went, this year has FLOWN by even faster than usual. It feels like I was JUST pregnant yesterday. I JUST did this. I KNOW it takes a year (or two or three!) for your body to recover from carrying and birthing another human - <i><b>despite what the world and other women lead you to believe about this!</b></i> I had the most perfect pregnancy, birth and postpartum experiences with Serena, how can I turn around and expect to have another amazingly positive experience with another baby so soon - with less time to prepare and less intention?? I fear I am just getting set up for a difficult and uphill pregnancy, birth and postpartum experiences physically and emotionally (much like the last time I got pregnant somewhat unexpectedly 9 months after giving birth). Life is also pretty isolating right now and while, I hope that changes soon I've done a pregnancy "alone" before and don't have a desire to do that again. There is fear in that, knowing what I've been through before.</div><div><br /></div><div>There was of course also <b>confusion, anger, disappointment, sadness, grief and plenty tears.</b> I felt <b>sorry </b>for myself. I felt sorry for my body. I felt so sorry and <b>guilty</b> for my brand new baby who wasn't even a year yet...that my attention would be diverted away from her. After the news, I spent the first several days in bed crying. Ryan went to work (luckily only 2 days that week though thanks to my birthday and Thanksgiving) while I laid in bed and the kids managed to entertain themselves in the other room with toys and books and TV. I just couldn't function. </div><div><br /></div><div>I called my midwife and told her I really wasn't sure when this happened. I was pretty convinced at first that it DIDN'T happen in November because we used protection that ONE time. It just seemed so impossible and I was really holding out hope that our birth control method hadn't failed us (even though I knew that chances were slim that I was farther along and just hadn't noticed). I was hopeful that I was farther along than I was because I thought it would seem easier to wrap my mind around this if it had happened back in October, when we were having more sex and not being quite as careful. That would just make so much more SENSE to me. And I needed this to just make sense. (Plus, when you live in Houston a June due date seems like a much easier pill to swallow than an August one haha.) Anyway, over the phone we decided I was most likely either 9 weeks or 4 weeks. She had me come into the birth center and we attempted an ultrasound but came up empty handed, which added to the confusion and fear a bit (for a couple of different reasons). My midwife also took a blood sample to run my hCG. The next morning she texted me. 126. My hCG was 126. When I got the text, it felt like a huge blow. I burst into tears. Sitting in the Starbucks drive through line I just cried my eyes out. I just didn't understand. This didn't make sense. How can I be 4 weeks pregnant? How can my body even be ready to do this again? How can God think <i>I'm </i>ready to do this again? Physically? And then to parent FIVE children?? </div><div><br /></div><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjC4K4rD0XkvGudr5ReNqo7KzLqaRvl7WAmlweIT6ddDMvua4sVltbGrzHRusEL8bJdPbufOIEp2fcNSOo5CVFA8iIJOzD2Q6nZt6hUGOu4lgu6xpmH-IAalbAj5aK3bLS7TtxcJGYYMxY/s640/IMG_0119.jpg" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="640" data-original-width="481" height="200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjC4K4rD0XkvGudr5ReNqo7KzLqaRvl7WAmlweIT6ddDMvua4sVltbGrzHRusEL8bJdPbufOIEp2fcNSOo5CVFA8iIJOzD2Q6nZt6hUGOu4lgu6xpmH-IAalbAj5aK3bLS7TtxcJGYYMxY/w150-h200/IMG_0119.jpg" width="150" /></a></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">hCG of 126.</td></tr></tbody></table><br /><div>The next day (my birthday) we went back to the birth center to run my hCG again. I sobbed into my midwife's arms. She validated my feelings, encouraged me and prayed over baby and me. A few days later (after Thanksgiving) the numbers came back at 331. More than double. So that made it all but certain that I was 4 weeks pregnant. Birth control failed. Due August 1 based on conception date.</div><div><br /></div><div>It's been a HUGE roller coaster since that first week. I also had quite a bit of spotting which just added to the roller coaster. Honestly, it's a miracle I survived the emotional toll those first few weeks took on me! </div><div><br /></div><div>But listen. Here's where it gets good. I told God a long time ago that my physical body - <i><b>my uterus specifically</b></i> - was His to use for His glory. And it was a prayer that I <i>meant</i>. (It was actually back in 2016 that I remember praying that prayer with my whole heart - on a drive home from Austin, ironically.) Of course my human self responds to this current situation with "<i>But...God I didn't mean like THIS. I didn't mean NOW...I meant on MY terms. I meant like, surrogacy or something. I didn't mean it like this!</i>" But that's my humanness. And it's fear. (And I know He's pointing a finger and smiling, saying "<i>But YOU said....!</i>") But at the same - <b>I know what I told God. </b>I know what it meant when I prayed that to Him. I mean, I didn't really <i>know</i> what it meant but I knew/know the weight of that and of the unknown and the TRUST that comes along with those kinds of prayers. I also know what submission to His will means. I know what accepting His invitations to partake in the work He is doing means. It's not about what<i> I</i> think that should look like. It's about ULTIMATE submission. Letting go of ALL control - not just some. Fully trusting Him. </div><div><br /></div><div>Also, it's clear to me that the WAY this happened is very very significant. Had we just slipped up and "accidentally" gotten pregnant I wouldn't feel the weight of this the way I do right now. It's different, the way all of this happened. This is a BIG plan, and I know that it's an invitation from God to participate in His work - an invitation that He had been preparing me to accept a long time ago. </div><div><br /></div><div>There have been a few nods from Him, since I found out I was pregnant. I won't share one of the big ones here, but on one of the days I was laying in bed crying, I looked out my window and saw another rainbow. I knew this was a little nod from Him. <b>That this is right. That He did this. And that He did this for a reason. And He has a plan for me, and for this baby and for our family. </b></div><div><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj7g8URMsjZOBAR24KvEoJr2XVNQ7fhY9I2UVgVuH-dJGGqtQAZyLYr78H_AdcPedn3NEjk-DU_PzNtwQFzffLeu2JE6YH10VX97fW6EctDY7-qhL6nYbkQInSH2-LJvVL1np5Uhr0QHc4/s640/IMG_0122.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="640" data-original-width="480" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj7g8URMsjZOBAR24KvEoJr2XVNQ7fhY9I2UVgVuH-dJGGqtQAZyLYr78H_AdcPedn3NEjk-DU_PzNtwQFzffLeu2JE6YH10VX97fW6EctDY7-qhL6nYbkQInSH2-LJvVL1np5Uhr0QHc4/w240-h320/IMG_0122.jpg" width="240" /></a></div><br /><div>Knowing all of this often doesn't make my days feel any lighter or easier. I'm 12 weeks at the time of publishing this post, and I'm exhausted. Fatigued from surviving in a global pandemic for 10 months (and counting) at home alone all day every day with 4 kids (and counting). However, the nausea and food aversions have passed and I've spent the last few weeks craving alllll the salty things. This pregnancy still doesn't feel real, my days are long and lonely and hard and I'm bracing myself for the physical toll that pregnancy takes on the body and the emotions. It's not easy. I know that. It won't be easy. But I still choose to put my faith in Him. And in this plan. That it's HIS plan. All day every day no matter what. Amen. </div><div><br /></div><div style="text-align: center;"><b>"As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and </b><b>my thoughts than your thoughts." Isaiah 55:9</b></div><div style="text-align: center;"><b><br /></b></div>Stephaniehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13661158320044251543noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2097652156222539639.post-85917468768851830472020-12-31T06:09:00.041-08:002021-01-21T06:21:24.898-08:00Baby #5 On The Way!<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh-Fzf-QOMdddpt6IxhuznJGe_iSceYxfPzvBVDvHeGQaez9z4zGslJE5i5GhMc0mp2tWeBsyHUkZqJoNY4CTiKDChcThga4Nhfj8vNzmeUpUwTklOo4Y_T-RUTrTw7865Q7RUQYDu6tUA/s640/EBDD23D9-0FE2-4F10-9606-935097457EF5.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="display: inline !important; font-family: inherit; margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="640" data-original-width="512" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh-Fzf-QOMdddpt6IxhuznJGe_iSceYxfPzvBVDvHeGQaez9z4zGslJE5i5GhMc0mp2tWeBsyHUkZqJoNY4CTiKDChcThga4Nhfj8vNzmeUpUwTklOo4Y_T-RUTrTw7865Q7RUQYDu6tUA/w256-h320/EBDD23D9-0FE2-4F10-9606-935097457EF5.JPG" width="256" /></a></div><div style="animation-name: none !important; background-color: white; color: #050505; text-align: left; transition-property: none !important; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span><br />New year new baby! Surprise baby #5 coming this summer!<br /><br />Though the IDEA of baby #5 has been something that we felt in our hearts might be in the (very VERY distant) future for our family, we were certainly not expecting something like this anytime soon! <br /><br />God made sure that despite many of our human circumstances and efforts and against many many odds, NOTHING was going to stand in the way of His will to bring this baby into existence. There have been a LOT of emotions for me to process over these last few weeks, but just coming back to this <span style="font-family: inherit;">has brought me so much peace and comfort. Though I’m starting to question God’s sanity </span><span style="font-family: inherit;">(kidding) there is no doubt in my mind that this is HIS will, HIS timing (for whatever reason!) and that for some reason this baby He has had planned for our family just couldn’t wait any longer! Wish us luck!</span><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiwEnHWpnnnlhOJx03iiUCk634CMi_AAkN3gfbzGZlonDeC9m4bUU43BBJ7YFg4m6NZQZKX7UNerdQLllRVxqobv4qR85cnwHBZskwk354JsIONjvQarkBJdcKTA4W763kSAANro4RM778/s640/1AB682A4-3365-410C-ABA9-BFCABD7BBD02.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="640" data-original-width="512" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiwEnHWpnnnlhOJx03iiUCk634CMi_AAkN3gfbzGZlonDeC9m4bUU43BBJ7YFg4m6NZQZKX7UNerdQLllRVxqobv4qR85cnwHBZskwk354JsIONjvQarkBJdcKTA4W763kSAANro4RM778/w256-h320/1AB682A4-3365-410C-ABA9-BFCABD7BBD02.JPG" width="256" /></a></div></div><div style="animation-name: none !important; background-color: white; color: #050505; text-align: left; transition-property: none !important; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhKPwtB23fDqNPE2ppPXvTiPjDQgn75JAVsR5f8W7euBVZ8ogqr02YtRTrbCgbkj_4bozid2JZrrRQ-a1exNmIRNSNgRW48lC5XGnqCCdNnrwTkMbUK6xToBlYxKJMc3LwTU_cndNC0TbA/s640/95BC00C8-CBDC-4E82-8A65-802888517C73.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="display: inline !important; margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em; text-align: center;"><img border="0" data-original-height="640" data-original-width="512" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhKPwtB23fDqNPE2ppPXvTiPjDQgn75JAVsR5f8W7euBVZ8ogqr02YtRTrbCgbkj_4bozid2JZrrRQ-a1exNmIRNSNgRW48lC5XGnqCCdNnrwTkMbUK6xToBlYxKJMc3LwTU_cndNC0TbA/w256-h320/95BC00C8-CBDC-4E82-8A65-802888517C73.JPG" width="256" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em; text-align: center;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em; text-align: center;"><img border="0" data-original-height="640" data-original-width="512" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhEA-43uBL2KkMs-LaN4L8IFQRFcndCUJStmbzCAM9IhTCRL17DCpQrfr70x2rviwd8FQa7NeeeRCCLsfjBfSLAXsdlX-ZHQmc40JPZCbc6TDV0HQqs9vX01hsbgttTlxBN3XwkZoXj2c8/w256-h320/85693981-78E1-4F72-8A30-AA2079E4463C.JPG" style="font-family: inherit;" width="256" /></div></div></span><br /></div>Stephaniehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13661158320044251543noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2097652156222539639.post-14511666143052387072020-05-13T07:19:00.001-07:002020-05-13T07:56:31.966-07:00Serena's Birth Photos and Film<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
Here are a few of my favorite photos that our amazing birth photographer took on the night this sweet girl entered the world! Thank you Lisa LeBaron Photography and Film! </div>
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(Also, you can read about Serena's accidental unassisted homebirth story and everything leading up to these photos by clicking <a href="https://doublechocolatecake.blogspot.com/2020/03/serenas-birth-story-painless-home-birth.html" target="_blank">here</a>!)</div>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiH6iTTBz0rjxJTabyZfuUzrmD21kvt4Acp3UKeDM-2WuC5OM62n6ywvLc_pJh4ec9lPSaBOupgrnC-Uzuyys2CjxNxbkddrgrkZKCUBgZ7aVPuty5jmTGSAA0lMOycjoGrs6kNcEHdEac/s1600/Birth+of+Serena+Violet-1.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1067" data-original-width="1600" height="213" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiH6iTTBz0rjxJTabyZfuUzrmD21kvt4Acp3UKeDM-2WuC5OM62n6ywvLc_pJh4ec9lPSaBOupgrnC-Uzuyys2CjxNxbkddrgrkZKCUBgZ7aVPuty5jmTGSAA0lMOycjoGrs6kNcEHdEac/s320/Birth+of+Serena+Violet-1.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Cutting the umbilical cord.</td></tr>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgNqUBUdm6ZftTzG4fm6fjMAqzy1EoKdp-LlFlsztUfgEWACKzTqFq314IkT8WFqdGgdMSCpnxWlR6m9zDPaqGUsnRuMRb4-lnbKSZVq8Ofa2dzMZMxVKkoshOn6OpfkSr1wvmNqS9coYI/s1600/Birth+of+Serena+Violet-9.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1067" data-original-width="1600" height="213" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgNqUBUdm6ZftTzG4fm6fjMAqzy1EoKdp-LlFlsztUfgEWACKzTqFq314IkT8WFqdGgdMSCpnxWlR6m9zDPaqGUsnRuMRb4-lnbKSZVq8Ofa2dzMZMxVKkoshOn6OpfkSr1wvmNqS9coYI/s320/Birth+of+Serena+Violet-9.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhVLwBc-GxGKSzWQNQ7ZMWEU6FvzdFUHjCMpRL3cgn_GzG_KS1pazR5sVOXvKj1PvpoNZTCLg5JyteBYtFAVVsOy-EuznQmagmgSsImxCIHltlbPhJrWCUPO8jESjZiTJdZsC61XV1Yqa0/s1600/Birth+of+Serena+Violet-15.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1067" data-original-width="1600" height="213" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhVLwBc-GxGKSzWQNQ7ZMWEU6FvzdFUHjCMpRL3cgn_GzG_KS1pazR5sVOXvKj1PvpoNZTCLg5JyteBYtFAVVsOy-EuznQmagmgSsImxCIHltlbPhJrWCUPO8jESjZiTJdZsC61XV1Yqa0/s320/Birth+of+Serena+Violet-15.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: x-small;">This was the first baby I have had since my grandmother's passing. Wearing her ring during the birth was important to me, as a way to keep her close by and still share the experience with her.</span></td></tr>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhWXCq2A-x3S-cfk8gtAOil0DlJB5Bixn-qIAYqbHdSA5qz7P8XOlEn1Ita6SsGlg8nGE_UUqQ5Z1_MJehLS9d-7ABfsMZVHMhKZho4DagXd_MraqPX9U-Vc1jl7vrWSmlGa-9qFjJ0c80/s1600/Birth+of+Serena+Violet-18.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1067" data-original-width="1600" height="213" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhWXCq2A-x3S-cfk8gtAOil0DlJB5Bixn-qIAYqbHdSA5qz7P8XOlEn1Ita6SsGlg8nGE_UUqQ5Z1_MJehLS9d-7ABfsMZVHMhKZho4DagXd_MraqPX9U-Vc1jl7vrWSmlGa-9qFjJ0c80/s320/Birth+of+Serena+Violet-18.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">The most painful part of my day - working through the pain of getting<br />
a stitch with the help of my doula.</td></tr>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgKAQE0T0mvYjrYhTmINZkT9bPT3adywbdoA2Puu87awTHcn_RZOhYatQUMUTIB1XbihJxlXqYwcf2QcQHE120FyjURPdFTZ_gmSaATvbhgGoQTqF2IlRFvsiX2agqCnSzdxCGblxTdXAc/s1600/Birth+of+Serena+Violet-27.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1067" data-original-width="1600" height="213" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgKAQE0T0mvYjrYhTmINZkT9bPT3adywbdoA2Puu87awTHcn_RZOhYatQUMUTIB1XbihJxlXqYwcf2QcQHE120FyjURPdFTZ_gmSaATvbhgGoQTqF2IlRFvsiX2agqCnSzdxCGblxTdXAc/s320/Birth+of+Serena+Violet-27.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">First latch.</td></tr>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhcYB0FDH8Y73o1VR2sE4N1nPe_jQEJkxpNJvu-VbW0OPBQ67iuPLiuTNNl0dSqTR-QTRfzVkxQ1xiNFJz1yA4ozdzisrWwqKQsaWxfY3B_GAaXoGj7fSar-uLRPfOHopeYMfQLgZsQvJw/s1600/Birth+of+Serena+Violet-35.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1067" data-original-width="1600" height="213" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhcYB0FDH8Y73o1VR2sE4N1nPe_jQEJkxpNJvu-VbW0OPBQ67iuPLiuTNNl0dSqTR-QTRfzVkxQ1xiNFJz1yA4ozdzisrWwqKQsaWxfY3B_GAaXoGj7fSar-uLRPfOHopeYMfQLgZsQvJw/s320/Birth+of+Serena+Violet-35.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiftvaPxgjtN8clhNPQdHoSLx3hBRPrXckEPRpMXy3OR_0pNTrEIW8RMte5TTzRAp35GTjSWjv9XbAG2H-FATfma_dmdQGFD5vlwBtwRekN-BqIuaB7DHKVlAOH2n3t7ITwoatkJ2XFdRc/s1600/Birth+of+Serena+Violet-36.jpg" imageanchor="1"><img border="0" data-original-height="1067" data-original-width="1600" height="213" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiftvaPxgjtN8clhNPQdHoSLx3hBRPrXckEPRpMXy3OR_0pNTrEIW8RMte5TTzRAp35GTjSWjv9XbAG2H-FATfma_dmdQGFD5vlwBtwRekN-BqIuaB7DHKVlAOH2n3t7ITwoatkJ2XFdRc/s320/Birth+of+Serena+Violet-36.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">My midwife cleaning me up a bit after I got up to pee.</td></tr>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Herbal bath.</td></tr>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjJe9421IHs_IIthNUtDknTLRyEJU0Q4lH3U1RIdHJEiTXiAPSUBwxOfA8fQcO9Vr_zCgpd9Zj4g7Pu6D5Jxx62uH8zpEQwSekEtvfxZjLEk0vaaWwEkpbTBBpk9KJr2ZYAYdMQhj6TbU8/s1600/Birth+of+Serena+Violet-87.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1067" data-original-width="1600" height="213" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjJe9421IHs_IIthNUtDknTLRyEJU0Q4lH3U1RIdHJEiTXiAPSUBwxOfA8fQcO9Vr_zCgpd9Zj4g7Pu6D5Jxx62uH8zpEQwSekEtvfxZjLEk0vaaWwEkpbTBBpk9KJr2ZYAYdMQhj6TbU8/s320/Birth+of+Serena+Violet-87.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Taking a moment to honor and thank this amazing organ for all that it has done.</td></tr>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi-xqV0BiN1qOyl1kR1tQeBvS4u6vHXlLjRZdSntQi8gaeGkagZo0bOm8XUpIXwL9bKjvP2jtDJnTDPqZX69p91Tgkkl1TkNVvp4_qnXrMvczpdjCtArFm0fcKSyFnpxac9UsBkosLyNlI/s1600/Birth+of+Serena+Violet-107.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1067" data-original-width="1600" height="213" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi-xqV0BiN1qOyl1kR1tQeBvS4u6vHXlLjRZdSntQi8gaeGkagZo0bOm8XUpIXwL9bKjvP2jtDJnTDPqZX69p91Tgkkl1TkNVvp4_qnXrMvczpdjCtArFm0fcKSyFnpxac9UsBkosLyNlI/s320/Birth+of+Serena+Violet-107.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Our second nursing session.</td></tr>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg-1iDWZD3dFyEJ0NTgibxDoy0aqLCOyXYEoy__kcP_MEkAqaa1UQL3KRf10DKqWBMC9dy3t_ljsZccKseHDxP1w2_DDdZ65avtSfTFmIBGrT4I9K8eAoYe5ycfvY5BvYfo-7_LIJQ2Y2M/s1600/Birth+of+Serena+Violet-113.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1067" data-original-width="1600" height="213" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg-1iDWZD3dFyEJ0NTgibxDoy0aqLCOyXYEoy__kcP_MEkAqaa1UQL3KRf10DKqWBMC9dy3t_ljsZccKseHDxP1w2_DDdZ65avtSfTFmIBGrT4I9K8eAoYe5ycfvY5BvYfo-7_LIJQ2Y2M/s320/Birth+of+Serena+Violet-113.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">First meal made for me by Ryan. Hanging out, laughing and chatting <br />
with my amazing birth team while I eat.</td></tr>
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<br />
It took us 4 days to name this sweet girl, and you can read about why it took us so long and how we landed on Serena by clicking <a href="https://doublechocolatecake.blogspot.com/2020/04/serenas-name.html" target="_blank">HERE</a>!<br />
<br />
And here is our mini film! (If you are interested in seeing the full length film I'm happy to share!)<br />
<br />
<iframe allowfullscreen="" frameborder="0" height="360" src="https://player.vimeo.com/video/391716224" title="vimeo-player" width="640"></iframe><br />
<br />Stephaniehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13661158320044251543noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2097652156222539639.post-19499026467466963712020-04-09T07:53:00.003-07:002020-04-14T06:26:48.247-07:00Serena's NameI have had a few people ask how we came to name our sweet Serena. It's not a big crazy story or anything, but I thought I would share how we landed on it.<br />
<br />
<br />
After Serena was born, we were given 4 days to decide on a name. (It's technically 5, but we lost the first day since she was born at 11:56 p.m!) We were SO sure this baby was a boy that we had a boy name picked out and ready to go, but hadn't even discussed potential girl names. (The conversation usually went like this: "What are we going to name this baby if it's a girl??" or "Oh man, if it's a girl I don't know what we're going to do about naming her! Haha!")<br />
<br />
This pregnancy felt much more similar to Wells' pregnancy and none of my usual "girl symptoms" seemed to be present. EVERYONE else seemed to think it was a boy too - including tons of people I didn't even know! I had strangers on the street of New York City point at my belly in passing and say "That's a boy!" We bought a few boy outfits, a "little brother" onesie... we were ready for our boy. It just FELT like a boy to me!<br />
<br />
Needless to say, we were so shocked when we realized it was a girl. We had been tossing around one name, but it seemed weird to me to pick something after only a few minutes of TRUE consideration. So once we settled into bed and got a few minutes of sleep, we went back to look at THE list. It's always been much harder for me to pick girl names, so I have a list of girl names that consists of a lot of random names that I heard once and kind of liked.<br />
<br />
I felt weird about picking just a "random" name though. I was really hoping that we could pick a name that MEANT something to us - one that would be reflective of her birth, in some way. We had been tossing around things like Luna, Stormy, Rain, Faith... none of those felt right either though.<br />
<br />
One of the names on my (very long) list was "Sabina". While Ryan was looking over this list, he came to that name (which he clearly didn't like haha) and said "What is this name? Did you mean Serena?" (Which is still weird to me bc in my mind, the next logical step from "Sabina" would have been "Sabrina"...) but when he said Serena <b>I felt it in my bones</b>. I feel like we aren't quite hippie enough to go with "Serenity" but I thought Serena was a nice "version" of that. I just knew that was her name the second I heard it.<br />
<br />
I'll never forget the night that Serena came into this world. But I wanted her to have name that would remind me of her birth every time I said it. When I hear the name "Serena", I remember the peace and calm we felt. I remember watching the crazy storm outside of our windows while laboring with her. I remember hearing God's words - "Trust me" - the day before her birth when I was doubting and fearful. I remember feeling His presence and peace and guidance as we brought her into this world.<br />
<br />
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<b>Serena. She is my calm in the storm. My reminder that in the middle of the biggest storms, when I put my faith in the Lord - that's where my peace is.</b> </div>
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<br />Stephaniehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13661158320044251543noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2097652156222539639.post-16324122172860150212020-03-20T07:17:00.002-07:002020-03-20T11:03:28.489-07:00Serena's Birth Story - A Painless Home BirthThis is the story of Serena's birth.<br />
<br />
My first three babies were born in the hospital, but I had hoped and prayed for something different with this baby. From even before I found out I was pregnant with Serena, I knew I wanted a completely different birth experience, something more personal, with a deeper level of care. We confirmed the pregnancy with my OB, and then when I was about 12 weeks pregnant I switched care to a midwife and we began planning for a home birth!<br />
<br />
Just a little disclaimer...Though my labor initially progressed very slowly, looking back now of course there are many moments where it might seem like "we should have known". While yes, hindsight is 20/20, up until the ACTUAL moment that this baby was born, I still believed that I had hours and hours of labor ahead of me. There were several reasons for this, but the biggest one being that I never experienced any pain whatsoever - not even a little bit. Not once. (I have prayed for and <a href="https://doublechocolatecake.blogspot.com/2016/04/wells-birth-story-part-1.html" target="_blank">experienced painless birth before</a>, but this was on another level.) This is partly why we waited until we did to call my midwife. (It's also kind of a weird thing to call people in the middle of the night, during a crazy storm to come to your house for something that may or not be happening now - or at some unknown time. So I didn't want to call people over until I was 100% sure we were getting close!) Denial is also a fabulous one of nature's tools when you're in labor ;).<br />
<br />
(Also just a heads up - I left NO detail out, so this is<i> very</i> long. Annoyingly long probably. If you want to cut right to the chase skip down to "Friday"!)<br />
<br />
So let's get to it.<br />
<br />
Like many birth stories, this one begins a few days before we met our girl...<br />
<br />
<b>Wednesday - 2 days before birth - 38w3d pregnant</b><br />
<br />
I woke up Wednesday and noticed a HUGE increase in vaginal fluid. I'm pretty familiar with this during pregnancy, as I already have to wear a pad for just about all 9 months. But this was a LOT. I kept an eye on it throughout the day but by the evening I really started panicking (read: TOTALLY SPIRALING). There was so much fluid, that by the end of the day I was convinced that I was leaking amniotic fluid. (It was thin and watery - didn't seem thick enough to be the mucus plug falling out, but it also wasn't pouring out or me or anything THAT severe. So it was still questionable.) That evening, I got in the bathtub to try to calm myself down, which did not help. I had already jumped to EVERY worst case scenario in my head, I felt like my home birth dreams were crushed and I even went as far as to think to myself that I was now going to have to find an OB that is cool with VBACs to deliver my 5th baby after my inevitable c-section (haha - yikes). I can TOTALLY laugh about this now, but I was NOT in a good place at the time - and I was probably the MOST dramatic version of myself I have ever been before. (I accidentally knocked a vase off of the counter by our tub and it shattered on the shower floor. Through angry sobs, I told Ryan that was symbolic of my dreams - shattered - and God was telling me to take a hint. Whoa. Really, Stephanie??) Ryan and I were both googling to see where we could go pick up an at-home amniotic fluid test. I did a LOT of crying and a lot of talking to Ryan. He listened to me, comforted me and tried his best to talk me off the ledge. I already had a midwife appointment scheduled for the next day, so the plan was to try to sleep some and ask her to test the fluid the next morning.<br />
<br />
<b>Thursday - 1 day before birth - 38w4d pregnant</b><br />
<br />
When I woke up the next morning, I still wasn't in a very good place. As Ryan got the kids fed and dressed for school, I sat on the floor of our bedroom next to a small pile of books. I picked up "Supernatural Childbirth" (a book I had read before Wells was born) and as I skimmed through it, I felt God speaking to my heart saying "Trust me. Just trust me." As we dropped the kids off at school and drove to the birth center for my appointment, I just kept coming back to that. Releasing the fear, releasing control and putting my faith in His plan.<br />
<br />
At my appointment, I told my midwife what was going on and she reassured me that everything was going to be okay (and if it WAS amniotic fluid there would be a plan - and one that wouldn't BEGIN with going straight to the hospital for an immediate induction. Pitocin is NOT something that I ever want to experience.) Before doing the test, she said IF it was negative that she would go ahead and check my cervix just to see where I was at. (I had been wanting to ask her to check me - not because dilation/effacement is any indication of when/how fast baby will come but only because I HAD known with the other 3 and I was just curious!) She did the swab, and immediately it was obvious that it was negative. I have never been SO relieved. Lots of tears of joy. I could hardly believe it. After I collected myself, she went ahead and checked me. 2cm, 60% effaced, baby was around -1 or 0 station. My midwife said to me "You COULD have this baby tonight, but I'm thinking probably another week." Perfect. The more time the better in my mind. (I hadn't felt ready yet. Earlier in the week I had yet another huge breakdown because <a href="https://doublechocolatecake.blogspot.com/2020/01/38-weeks.html" target="_blank">I just didn't feel ready</a>. My first three babies were between 39w3d and 40w, so I was hopeful that I would get more time with this baby cooking on the inside. I was hoping to at least make it to my due date, if not longer!)<br />
<br />
I should also note - in addition to a birth kit and pool that the birth center sends home, there is a checklist of additional supplies that we needed to assemble for our home birth. Due to a mix up in our paperwork, we had not received this checklist yet - we accidentally got the packing list for a birth center birth. So at this appointment, we were able to get the correct list of items needed.<br />
<br />
We left my appointment, Ryan went to work and I had a little bit of alone time before heading to pick up the kids. I felt like I could finally breathe a huge sigh of relief, move on with my life and continue to prepare for this baby's arrival.<br />
<br />
That evening, I noticed a sliiiightest tinge of pink in my pad. I assumed this was just from the cervical check and didn't think too much of it. Before going to bed, I looked over the checklist and ordered a few things that we didn't have off of amazon, as well as some items from the grocery store to pickup the next day.<br />
<br />
<b>Friday - Birth Day! - 38w5d pregnant</b><br />
<br />
I woke up on Friday morning, and had this weird feeling that something had caused me to stir in the middle of the night. I don't know why, but I thought MAYBE I had had 2 contractions in my sleep, though maybe I had just imagined it. I never woke up enough to actually remember, it was just a strange sense I had that it had happened. As I was getting Heidi ready for school, I was feeling a LOT of rectal and vaginal pressure. "WOW it feels like this baby is going to just fall out of my butt!" I remember thinking to myself. I moved about the morning without much more thought. As I was sitting in the drop off line at the elementary school I continued to feel SO much pressure...but then I realized that it suddenly went away. 8:40 a.m. "Hmm. Interesting." After drop off, the other 2 kids and I drove to Starbucks for some coffee. It happened maybe a couple more times, this pressure in my butt. At 9:26, Ryan and I were exchanging text messages and I said "Btw definitely having some contractions for the last hour. Just a few." He said "Ok. Keep me updated." We continued to stay in touch and I told him I was just feeling TONS of pressure. No cramping. No pain. Just pressure. It literally just felt like I had a bowling ball IN my butthole. Ryan asked me what I was thinking and I said I really didn't know and that it was hard to tell what was going on! Sitting down in the car seemed to make this pressure come and go a little more frequently, maybe every 12-15 minutes. It happened again at 9:32 and 9:40.<br />
<br />
Once we got home, I spent some time gathering some more items on the checklist from around the house and putting them all together in our bedroom. I laid down in bed and ordered the last few items needed for the birth from Target for Ryan to pickup on his way home from work. At this point, between laying down, getting back up, moving around, peeing, etc. things got a little jumbled. I told Ryan I probably should give my birth team a heads up at some point (midwife, doula and photographer) but I wasn't quite ready to sound any alarms since I wasn't totally convinced this was labor or that baby was coming any time soon.<br />
<br />
<b>10:48 a.m.</b> - I started texting Ryan every time I felt a contraction. I had 2 friends coming over to hang out and I just couldn't quite commit to timing my own contractions - but texting him felt like the right way to keep track of them bc I wanted to keep him in the loop but also knew I could look back on the timestamps if I really wanted to know.<br />
<br />
<b>11:24 a.m.</b> - Another contraction. At this point, contractions seemed to get really consistent, right at 40 minutes apart. It was very predictable. My friends arrived and I pretty much spent the next 2.5 hours standing up in the kitchen chatting with them. Each time I had a contraction, it would distract me a bit from the conversation, I would look at the clock to make a mental note, text Ryan and then continue on. Still just lots of pressure. I also think maybe the mucus plug had started to come out very gradually around this time. It was hard to say but either way things were definitely changing down there, with an increase in fluid and it becoming more pink.<br />
<br />
<b>2:00 p.m.</b> - My friends left and I fed Wells and Cami lunch. I ate a bit but not much. The rain started to roll in and it was pretty gloomy outside. (Also, one of the items I had ordered at Target was not available for pickup at the location on Ryan's way home from work, so I had to have it transferred to the Target out near us.)<br />
<br />
<b>2:57 p.m.</b> - I had another contraction (exactly 40 minutes after the one before it) and decided it was time to text the birth team just to give them a heads up that something was happening even if I wasn't sure what. I texted my midwife, doula and birth photographer (who lives in Austin). My midwife said to keep her posted but that it was still possible that this was just prodromal labor. She gave me instructions to take a warm bath and plan to be in bed by 8:30. In case this lasted a long time, getting as much rest as possible needed to be the #1 priority.<br />
<br />
<b>3:30 p.m.</b> - I loaded Wells and Cami into the car and we started out for Target, but I knew we were going to be cutting it a liiitle bit close to make it back in time to pick up Heidi from school. But I was determined. (I also realized once we got in the car that the portion of the order that I had to transfer to "our" Target got transferred as "order pickup" and not "drive up". Ugh.) So I'm driving in the rain, trying to call Target and convince them to bring my order outside (bc my kids are still in their PJs with no shoes on and I knew physically I wasn't capable of going into the store), while also trying to text Ryan at a red light the barcode for HIS order pickup. Meanwhile, I'm having more contractions bc I'm sitting down. (Again just pressure and still manageable, though a little distracting.) We make it to Target, they bring my order out to the car THANK GOODNESS and we rush back to pickup Heidi. It certainly felt chaotic.<br />
<br />
<b>4:30 p.m.</b> - I got back home with all the kids and Ryan was thankfully able to leave work a few minutes early so he was already home waiting for us. I really wanted to go get my nails done - not because I felt like that was crucial to have done for the birth or something but because I knew if I was having this baby I wouldn't be going back for a long time. (Plus the shellac from my previous manicure was starting to peel up and would get caught in my hair and you KNOW that's annoying!)<br />
<br />
<b>4:58 p.m.</b> - As I was pulling into the parking lot of the nail salon I had another contraction. "Perfect." I thought. "I have another 40 minutes until the next one so hopefully I'll only have to manage 1 contraction while I'm here." However, as I was sitting there, I had a few more contractions, sporadically. It seemed like sitting down and also having to move my legs up and down for the pedicure made the contractions come and go a little more often. (<i><b>I still wasn't sure if that night would be THE night</b></i> but I did know it would be my last time at the nail salon before having this baby even if I still had another week or two!)<br />
<br />
<b>6:46 p.m.</b> - I left the nail salon and arrived at HEB to pick up our curbside order. While at HEB, I texted Ryan about wanting to take the kids out for ice cream. I had been feeling really guilty about not paying enough attention to them lately, and wanted to do something together that they would like. (I still thought I had tons of time, clearly.) Once I got home, Ryan was thankfully able to talk me out of the whole ice cream thing, and instead we all baked some leftover Christmas break and bake cookies together.<br />
<br />
<b>7:45ish p.m. - </b>We finished baking cookies and Ryan went to bathe the kids and get them ready for bed. I was feeling too antsy to take a bath, so I instead took a loooong hot shower. After I got out of the shower, as I was getting dressed I remember looking down at my belly and talking to my baby. "Please be nice to mama. I'm trying my best!" I said out loud.<br />
<br />
<b>8:45 p.m.</b> - I got into bed. At this point I EXPECTED contractions to fizzle out or at least space out a bit. I texted my midwife to let her know I was getting into bed, not much had changed and that I would update her if anything major happened. Contractions still seemed all over the place and I still had lots of pink tinged discharge.<br />
<br />
<b>9:06 p.m. </b>- I started timing my own contractions on an app on my phone at this point. Ryan also made me a little plate of food to eat and I used my phone to turn on my labor playlist on the TV in our room. I think it must have been around this time that I knew contractions probably weren't going to go away until this baby came out - however long that might take. With all of the pressure I was feeling (still just vaginal and rectal pressure) I was getting up to pee frequently.<br />
<br />
<b>9:37 p.m.</b> - I got up to pee, but walking/standing was getting difficult because of the pressure. I noticed a single drop of blood in the toilet and by now my contractions were around 7 minutes apart and lasting about 45 seconds long. Once back in bed, I texted my midwife to let her know that standing was getting hard and that I probably wasn't going to be sleeping anytime soon! We decided that I should still try to doze between contractions for a while (in case it was still early) and to let her know if/when I needed her! I had no pain and felt fine between contractions. The kids came and got into bed so that I could say goodnight to them and sing Twinkle Twinkle Little Star and rub their backs (as we do every night). As I was singing the song, I started having a contraction and had to stop what I was doing. Not because of pain or because I needed to scream out or something, but you get to a point in labor where you just can't talk if a contraction is happening! So I just had to pause for a second and wait for it to pass before I could finish the song. I still didn't think TOO much of it though haha! I continued to labor in bed while Ryan cleaned up the kitchen and got some things organized. (At some point, Wells got out of bed and wanted to help Ryan. He was SO sweet when he and Ryan came in to check on me - he held my hand through a contraction and sang me a song. Then he helped Ryan get the birth pool blown up!)<br />
<br />
<b>10:40 p.m. </b>- Ryan finished what he was doing, put Wells to bed and told me he was going to hop in the shower. I really didn't want to be alone in bed so I decided to get in our bathtub while he showered. However, at this point I could not walk but had to crawl to the bath tub! This probably should have tipped us off but - somehow it didn't! Again, I had no pain just INTENSE pressure. So much pressure it's almost indescribable!<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgyHjicoRPqxntIdVzN0by7o21qd6x6lvb6oCtBTZ51li3SVky8sEy6WjP7OOybHogacZPQepuSWWjwBWGXtdYiZ3rTFTYCvBG63ng3LNyynErHhT4e68XYwX2aE_MsnzY27A3nKWes1KU/s1600/IMG_0268.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1544" data-original-width="1160" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgyHjicoRPqxntIdVzN0by7o21qd6x6lvb6oCtBTZ51li3SVky8sEy6WjP7OOybHogacZPQepuSWWjwBWGXtdYiZ3rTFTYCvBG63ng3LNyynErHhT4e68XYwX2aE_MsnzY27A3nKWes1KU/s320/IMG_0268.jpg" width="240" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">I know it looks like I was TRYING to look completely miserable here - but I promise I wasn't <br />
THAT miserable haha! I was letting the hot water run over my back and it felt so good. I was trying to get the water in the picture.)</td></tr>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgnRY8UI94Hg5QJeVD1L_h_go7jL8gzNmbp59IjUHKymG1Zgi5FUfl7tDASav_PRHTyGatPL7jFHJ7eVlqwaMVC8OCMCOu2nTA-3AF7gGzOVzbaGHr2l2RZ2p5EjSH7e7RadCfZI7UWdjY/s1600/IMG_0797.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1200" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgnRY8UI94Hg5QJeVD1L_h_go7jL8gzNmbp59IjUHKymG1Zgi5FUfl7tDASav_PRHTyGatPL7jFHJ7eVlqwaMVC8OCMCOu2nTA-3AF7gGzOVzbaGHr2l2RZ2p5EjSH7e7RadCfZI7UWdjY/s320/IMG_0797.JPG" width="240" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Timing my contractions.</td></tr>
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<br />
<b>11:07 p.m. </b>- After a few intense contractions in the tub, Ryan had finished showering and I headed back to bed. I had him press on my lower back during a contraction but I didn't like that so I had him rub my shoulders instead. It felt good at first, but after 2 or 3 contractions of that I told him not to touch me anymore (HINT: THAT'S TRANSITION PEOPLE. I know this. HE knows this. But I had no pain. And I was STILL convinced that I had maybe another 6 or 7 hours until baby would come. I don't know why I thought that but I did!)<br />
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About this time a CRAZY storm had started rolling in. I had Ryan open the curtains so I could watch the rain and lightning. This is when I remember thinking it was time to call my doula to come help me cope with the pressure. With the next 2 contractions, as they peaked I was screaming my doula's name inside my head. I wanted to call her, but once those contractions passed I got distracted because pretty quickly I decided that I couldn't lay down anymore. I got up and kneeled on the floor over the bed.<br />
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After a few minutes of kneeling bent over the bed, I decided to crawl over to this chair that we have in the corner of our bedroom next to the windows, so that I could keep watching the storm (for some reason that was still important to me haha!) Not long after that I started getting a little vocal and a little grunt-y. I was moaning a bit through contractions, though nothing crazy, and it felt good to do short little bursts of pushing against the contractions. The grunt-y "pushes" didn't feel involuntary but they felt right. I was totally just listening to my body and it was amazing.<br />
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<b>11:33 p.m.</b> - At this point the storm was still going strong outside. So much thunder and lightening and pouring rain, but I felt peaceful. I started having a contraction (I was still timing them myself on my phone) and as I kind of grunted and pushed against the contraction my water suddenly broke and FLOODED out of me everywhere. I don't know why this caught me off guard but it DID because I had no towels or "puppy pee pads" or anything underneath me whatsoever. I even still had my regular underwear on! Ryan got some towels and a few disposable bed pads and put them under me to keep the carpet from getting MORE soaked.<br />
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Aaah a broken water is such relief. It feels so good. I also felt SO relieved to feel like I could call my birth team now. This was happening without a doubt and it was time. (I did however STILL think I had several hours left. Things had been SO easy and painless I remember thinking "This can't POSSIBLY be it. There is just no way". Ryan said "This is great! This is good!" and I said back to him "Yeah but THIS is when it's going to get hard." We called my midwife and called my doula and I had a little break with contractions. Then I called my birth photographer, (who again, lives 2.5 hours away in AUSTIN) and YALL. <b>This is what I said to her:</b> "Hey Lisa! My water just broke! Has the storm passed you yet? Are you comfortable making the drive?" Because I STILL thought I had all night! So funny. Since Lisa is SO awesome she told me she was already in the area and was at a hotel just a few minutes away. I started crying because I was so grateful that she was already in town!! I was sure she would make it in time!<br />
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After I hung up with my birth photographer, I took a picture of myself and texted it out to a few friends and family saying "Ready to meet baby! Water just broke!" feeling completely normal and myself. I was like "Okay, I guess I can put my phone down now. Do do dooo." Also, Ryan had been busy getting some things together in the other room so he came back in and I made him put a thousand batteries into all of these flameless candles for me. (Seriously. 9 candles. 18 batteries. Haha!)<br />
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I had another contraction and more fluid gushed out of me. We finally got my underwear off. <b>I then reached my hand ALL the way up into my vagina to see if I could feel baby's head and I could not. (She was still at about -1 or 0 station, I'm thinking.)</b><br />
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As we were hanging out waiting for everyone else to arrive, we got a text from my midwife asking if the birth pool was filled. It wasn't, so Ryan went into the other room to start running the hot water. (For the record, I did not have any interest in delivering in the water, and I think I knew at this point we were a little past that! But Ryan didn't want to get in trouble from our midwife so he went along with it haha!) I think did have a few more contractions during this time, during which I continued to do short bursts/grunts to push against them a bit. And I was somewhat vocal during these, but nothing crazy. (I had stopped timing contractions when my water broke.) I wasn't bearing down or doing loooooooong pushes like they tell you to do in the hospital when you're pushing the baby out, so that led me to believe that we weren't AT the actual finish line <i>quite</i> yet. (Also, in the past, we've had lots of time from when my water broke to when baby came out! Another reason why we thought we probably had a little more time.)<br />
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<b>11:54 p.m.</b> - From the other room Ryan heard me yell, frustrated, "I HAVE TO POOP!!!". He of course knew exactly what was happening so he came running in. I remember feeling very irritated with needing to poop. I felt like that sensation was getting in the way of me being able to focus on the baby part of things (even though I know they kind of go hand in hand) but I decided that with the next contraction I was just going to poop and get it over with then I could worry about where baby was at - not really thinking baby was ready quite yet or anything. (I told Ryan that I was just going to do it, so he was prepared to cover "it" up by folding the disposable bed pad over itself.) So as the next contraction began, I pushed the poop out with my first little "burst" push and then <i>immediately</i> knew that this was <b>THE baby pushing push</b>. I yelled "THE BABY IS COMING OUT CATCH IT!" to Ryan. Another quick but powerful push and she slipped right out. I felt her whole entire body pass straight through mine in one smooth "swoosh". Ryan's hands were there, ready to catch her. There was no slow moment of crowning, no pausing as the head emerged, no waiting for the shoulders to come out... she literally went from all the way up in there to all the way out in half a second and it was amazing. I also felt zero pain. I asked right away "Is the baby here??" Ryan said "Yes! The baby's here!! Everything is good!" He was pretty much laughing when he said it. No panic or fear. There really wasn't even any time for that anyway! She was here and we were just so happy and in complete disbelief at what had just happened! I was in <i>total</i> shock. I couldn't believe that was it! How could that possibly be it?? I felt like I hadn't done any hard work yet!<br />
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She immediately started crying (whole-heartedly) but was a little gurgle-y, so Ryan laid her on the floor on her side and she cried the junk out within a second or two. I said "Is the baby okay??" "The baby is fine!" Ryan said. I could see her on the floor between my legs, pink and crying as Ryan was holding her. I really wanted to be the one to look to see if it was a boy or a girl but I couldn't wait any longer. "WHAT IS IT?!" I asked Ryan. He looked. "It's a BOY!!" he said!! "Ooh it's a boy! I knew it!!" I said. I started to maneuver myself to get her up between my legs but then Ryan said "Wait... actually I'm not sure...!" I reached down, spread her legs and moved the cord to see that she was actually in fact a GIRL (just a very swollen girl who actually did look like a boy down there!) "A GIRL OH MY GOSH!!!" We could NOT believe it. I had been 1000% certain this baby was a boy and we were so so shocked. I had been SO sure this baby was a boy we hadn't even talked about girl names ONCE! (At this point, I also yelled to Ryan "TAKE PICTURES!!!!")<br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">11:56 p.m.</td></tr>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Her first kiss :)</td></tr>
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<b>11:58 p.m.</b> - After we got her up between my legs and I was holding her we called my midwife to tell her the baby was here. She told Ryan to get some more towels and keep us warm and that she would be there soon! I stayed kneeling on the floor and held my baby and kept saying "OH MY GOSH. Oh my gosh. Oh. My. GOSH!" (Despite what TV/movies make you believe, there really isn't anything urgent that has to happen after the baby comes out. It is perfectly safe to leave the cord, the placenta doesn't come out right away... There's nothing that anyone has to "do" in those moments immediately following the birth. In a normal healthy delivery it's totally safe to just chill for a bit!) It felt so calm, so peaceful and so...normal. It didn't feel chaotic or scary. Everything felt so right.<br />
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<b>12:01 a.m.</b> - I was just sitting there in total shock, unsure of what to do with myself! I knew my mom was still awake so I decided to FaceTime her. She answered and we said "Baby is here!! Also - no one else is!! Everything is fine! We'll call you back later and tell you gender! Bye!!"<br />
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<b>12:11 a.m. </b>- As the storm outside began to slack off, my midwife arrived with her assistant, as well as my doula, and my birth photographer was about 8 minutes behind them. My midwife helped me over to the bed where I laid down and we waited a few more minutes for the placenta.<br />
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<b>12:21 a.m.</b> - I never felt the urge to push the placenta out but eventually my midwife instructed me to give a little push. I could feel a lot of pressure and it was getting uncomfortable, so getting it out was relieving. Ryan cut the cord (his first time to ever do so)! I got one tiny stitch (which hurt like HELL) but my doula was able to help me cope with that pain and relax my body. (After an episiotomy with my first, I've always had second degree tears so I was <i>shocked</i> to learn that I hardly tore at all! My midwife gave me the option of getting a small stitch, but it wasn't something that HAD to be done. I think not pushing on my back and being on all fours <i>really</i> helped with that! That position felt so different and sooo so good.)<br />
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<b>12:51 a.m.</b> - Baby's first latch. We were all just sitting around chatting, enjoying our time together while I nursed baby and my midwife continued to monitor both of us and check vitals. It was so peaceful. After a little while, we were done nursing and it was time for me to get up to try to pee. Ryan was able to hold her for the first time!<br />
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<b>1:15 a.m.</b> - Baby was weighed. She was then taken back to the bed for a few more checks and tests, while my midwife's assistant helped me into the tub for the herbal bath she had prepared for me. I spent a few minutes in the tub, relaxing, holding Ryan's hand and just talking together about the amazing crazy wonderful thing we had just gotten to experience together. I still couldn't believe that she was already here, and that she came so easily. After a few minutes, baby girl joined me in our bath.<br />
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I can remember holding her in the bathtub, thinking about how normal I felt. It truly felt like nothing had ever happened physically. I had no soreness, no pain, no aches...I felt so amazing. I can't even begin to describe how different I felt compared to my 3 previous unmedicated births. (It was SOO nice not having any plastic bracelets, IV tubes or needles too!) It all just felt so...normal. <b>There was so much peace.</b><br />
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After our bath, we moved back into bed where I nursed her again, ate some ham and cheese hawaiian roll sandwiches and snacks that Ryan made for me (YUM) while my midwife continued to monitor us and fill out some paperwork. Every now and then my doula would come pick up my cup and hold it for me to sip on, to make sure I was continuing to get plenty of fluids. It really all felt so normal and comfortable - just hanging out and relaxing with my birth team. I got to lay in my bed, resting and soaking up my new baby. It was truly blissful and so peaceful.<br />
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<b>3:07 a.m.</b> - After my midwife cleaned everything up and threw the laundry into the washer, everyone left. And then it was just us.<br />
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The day prior to this birth I was experiencing so much fear and doubt. But I felt God telling me to just trust Him. "Trust me" He said. I felt it in my heart. Let it all go and leave it in His hands. I am so grateful for this lesson, and how He continues to stretch me and show me how to let go of control when it comes to pregnancy and birth and my body and life. SO many wonderful things can happen when we just let go and open our hearts to God's plan and His design for things. I am so grateful to Him for blessing our family with another new life and for His presence and guidance throughout this entire experience. I also want to thank everyone who has supported us through this journey. Your prayers mean the world.<br />
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<b>My sweet Serena. She is my calm in the storm. My reminder that in the middle of the biggest storms, when I put my faith in the Lord - that's where my peace is.</b></div>
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Stephaniehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13661158320044251543noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2097652156222539639.post-10207424675829795252020-02-19T04:47:00.029-08:002021-01-12T05:02:27.390-08:0040 Days Postpartum<div style="text-align: left;"><span style="background-color: white; color: #262626;"><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg23xLWeF_JDGhyI4HiMW0MZZhmW2Ts3SscmRy1jGg0LbhPi93WirhtoBys0Z6VOIiQd8uzTKCvLNscQWNoSQDtGueYi9VqS9X4u0awCcNhKUgxvui5_4clnKGCrFjx2ZBpWMupEnl8Vs4/s1600/IMG_1261.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1067" data-original-width="1600" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg23xLWeF_JDGhyI4HiMW0MZZhmW2Ts3SscmRy1jGg0LbhPi93WirhtoBys0Z6VOIiQd8uzTKCvLNscQWNoSQDtGueYi9VqS9X4u0awCcNhKUgxvui5_4clnKGCrFjx2ZBpWMupEnl8Vs4/s320/IMG_1261.JPG" width="320" /></a></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Lisa LeBaron Photography and Film</td></tr></tbody></table></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="background-color: white; color: #262626;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="background-color: white; color: #262626;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">40 days. How are we already here? Deep into the 4th trimester. In the thick of it - this postpartum phase. I can look back on these last 40 days and say with confidence that I have rested well. I have been cared for WELL. And I feel well. I have not cooked or cleaned. I have not exercised or started running yet. I have hardly lifted a finger. Outings are kept fairly simple. My soul and my body - my entire being - feels so nourished and so supported. I have been truly nurtured as I enter into this new phase of motherhood.</span></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="background-color: white; color: #262626;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></span><span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="background-color: white; color: #262626;">I’ve never been able to enjoy this part as much as I have this time. All of the planning and tough mental work that went into preparing for this part, along with the hard work and support of all of those around me, has resulted in the dreamiest postpartum phase I have ever known. And the relationships with those around me reflect that. The closeness that I feel to this baby, the bond and connection that I have with her is like nothing I have experienced with a newborn before. I cry all the time, because I’m overwhelmed with just how much I’m loving this stage - so much more than I ever thought possible.<br /></span></span><span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="background-color: white; color: #262626;"><br /></span></span><span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="background-color: white; color: #262626;">This 40 day point is certainly not any sort of finish line. But it is without a doubt a significant point. A major stepping stone in this journey. A mile marker in this marathon. I will continue to rest. Continue to prioritize the 5 universal postpartum needs. But I’m excited to ease back into a few different things here and there. Slowly. To add a few more chores to my plate. To start running a bit. And I feel ready. Because this postpartum phase has prepared me well and brought me to this place of readiness.</span></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="background-color: white; color: #262626;"><br /></span></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1143" data-original-width="1600" height="143" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEijhFJMb7zuwhQ5GUISvEuXgaPL0tmIL9S4Vt2YQrDs95XoaWHKfUDpYVRvuHlgUKwAD9qGxliQEgN5ZG2Axn-EUXf0Rp7O9FG3ayTG9NfS77lqeKcSFFDj789KUqqtK5oROn1YMyD61sg/w200-h143/IMG_1266+%25281%2529.JPG" width="200" /> <a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiGWXzslbam4YtY70-8WAT5Py4AxnupQICyAPpCsDdxD09tQriwj10xupi9hW6TLZGBlXVXNZOChVd8vg9gx6ZVd1rxvPpurWbWxp77wL_FCa-_oyMGal9TKm9uYFmS35d_veEok3gj-Dw/s1600/IMG_1267.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; display: inline !important; font-family: inherit; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1143" data-original-width="1600" height="143" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiGWXzslbam4YtY70-8WAT5Py4AxnupQICyAPpCsDdxD09tQriwj10xupi9hW6TLZGBlXVXNZOChVd8vg9gx6ZVd1rxvPpurWbWxp77wL_FCa-_oyMGal9TKm9uYFmS35d_veEok3gj-Dw/w200-h143/IMG_1267.JPG" width="200" /></a><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhVmwWDgvC7EUuJ-m4EV0s-zIOT8_6rEnBAejGQG8RR6zgQVkUv1eKolq0lpixlF9uN5XqMP76rW7eU_TfRFSS3Ih8J3iP6fHDzlJLLShpDrZOjueAqmcMjmSL7zQ7m5u_k5NwryjRI-G4/s1600/IMG_1263.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; display: inline !important; font-family: inherit; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1067" data-original-width="1600" height="133" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhVmwWDgvC7EUuJ-m4EV0s-zIOT8_6rEnBAejGQG8RR6zgQVkUv1eKolq0lpixlF9uN5XqMP76rW7eU_TfRFSS3Ih8J3iP6fHDzlJLLShpDrZOjueAqmcMjmSL7zQ7m5u_k5NwryjRI-G4/w200-h133/IMG_1263.JPG" width="200" /></a></div><br /><span style="background-color: white; color: #262626;"><br /></span></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><br /></div>Stephaniehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13661158320044251543noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2097652156222539639.post-9505625207866192282020-01-26T14:19:00.001-08:002020-01-27T12:26:02.946-08:00Postpartum Thoughts and Our First 15 Days<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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The first 15 days. The first "phase" of my fourth postpartum experience. Such a hard, beautiful, exhausting, joy-filled, tear-filled, messy, sacred and holy time.<br />
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To begin my first 40 days postpartum, I have been practicing a 15 day lying in period - 5 days in the bed, 5 days on the bed and 5 days around the bed - and stuck to that as closely as I possibly could. This was important to me to lay this initial (solid) foundation of healing and rest...important to me to protect my postpartum experience, as well as to set myself up positively for the rest of this sacred postpartum time.<br />
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<b>Taking this much time to rest and heal has been a new experience for me. I've never done it this way before. It's been hard and good and stretched me in so many ways. I am learning so much. Learning a lot about what the postpartum time is actually supposed to look like. Learning about rest, honoring my body and all that it has done. How to take better care of myself (and in turn my baby) during this time, not do the things I COULD be doing or am physically capable of doing - but accepting help and letting others do the work so I can rest. </b><br />
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<i>I have never really been good at pacing myself after having a baby. </i>For a few different reasons. First of all, it's just not my personality to not be trying to do 1500 things all at once. I live by my calendar and to-do list, and to just throw it all out the window for an extended period of time is tough for me - new baby or not. It's hard for me to sit still. In the past, I have gauged a "successful" postpartum experience by how "normal" I felt, how many normal activities/routines I could get back to and <i><b>how quickly I could get back to them</b></i>. I have previously bragged about pushing Heidi around in a grocery cart and grocery shopping 5 days after giving birth to Wells. I <i>thought </i>that's what meant things were going well. And while yes I can still look back at the fact that I was feeling well enough physically and emotionally to do that as a blessing - I didn't<i> need</i> to be doing that. That's not how you allow your body and soul to heal and be restored. This time, I'm bragging about how much time I'm spending in bed - <i>and I think that's how it's supposed to be when you have a brand new baby. </i><br />
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Postpartum is hard. Always. I truly believe that even if I were to do this 100 times, the 101st time would still feel just as hard as every other time. Everything is upside down. The house. The routine. The hormones. Everything. I <i>want </i>the routine to feel normal again, but I also really don't because this time IS so special and fleeting, and in some ways (though, certainly not all) I don't want it to ever end. <b>It's hard to just sit in the uncomfortable-ness of things being upside down, but I know I'm not ready for them to not be. </b>Does that make any sense? I want to go out and do normal things, things that will make me feel like myself... when at the same time I'm not ready for real life again. <i>Even if I have moments where I think I am</i>.<br />
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The immediate postpartum is also tough because things can (and usually do) feel fairly lonely. It's nice spending all of my time in bed snuggling my baby. But obviously that can be isolating. (Also, these days hubby is managing the house and kids and meals, etc. so I feel like I don't really even see him much.) I have also learned over the past few years just what an <i>extreme</i> extrovert I am. It's almost dangerous really. I HAVE to have social interaction. A few days of isolation is very bad for my emotional state. <b>(THANK YOU to those who have come to meet baby Serena, hang out, listen to our birth story, bring coffee or just sit with me for a while. That fills me up more than I can say.) </b><br />
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And of course another reason that I struggle during the immediate postpartum, is because I ALWAYS feel an intense sadness and grief over pregnancy and birth being over. I cry often about missing my big belly. Going from having someone LIVE inside of your body to then suddenly not sometimes makes me feel very empty. And while, I am of COURSE so so happy that she is here and I can kiss her sweet face, I do miss her kicks and rolls and hiccups on the inside often. It's hard for me to feel the distance grow between the pregnancy and birth experiences and the present. I know that I am in the minority for feeling this way, which can sometimes add to feelings of isolation.<br />
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Despite these struggles and the ups and downs, these last 15 days have been an absolute DREAM. I have never experienced postpartum this way before, and it just feels so right. So here's a little recap of our first 15 days!<br />
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<b><u>Days 1-5: "In the bed"</u></b><br />
- I spent 99% of my time in bed with my baby in my arms. All meals were served to me in bed and I napped and nursed as I pleased. If people came over to visit or meet baby - we were hanging out in the master bedroom! <i>I absolutely did not get up out of bed to entertain or even answer the door.</i> A friend brought coffee, donuts and breakfast tacos over to us on day 3 and it was perfect! We had our first small outing on day 4, (just to the birth center) for a newborn screen and check up for me. It was good getting out of the house, and having the trip completely centered around me and baby made the outing feel very "healthy". It was also so nice getting to visit and chat with our midwife, someone who we know and have a relationship with (a far cry from going to any OB appointment where you're just in and out). I also started taking my placenta pills on day 4, which I feel like have helped keep my emotions at least manageable. Ryan handled all school drop offs and pick ups while I stayed home in bed. The weather was gloomy and rainy - perfect for snuggling in bed all day! Emotionally, things felt fairly stable. Some days felt harder than others, and I still cried daily! Sometimes out of joy or happy things or how beautiful my baby is to me, but sometimes out of feeling tired or lonely, mom guilt or being sad about not being pregnant anymore. (I have been able to verbalize what it is that's making me emotional and talk it out with hubby. This time, so far, there hasn't been any unexplained crying or feelings of overwhelm.)<br />
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<b><u>Days 6-10: On the bed</u></b><br />
- I still spent almost all of my time in bed. On days 7 and 10, I was able to visit with some friends, which really helped me feel good emotionally. On those days, I spent that time visiting with them sitting on the couch in our living room, then returned to bed once they left. I also spent a couple of minutes sitting outside with baby on 2 occasions. Also on day 7, I laid on the floor and spent a few minutes doing some breath work and visualizing my core and body "closing". (I'm trying to do this daily and will eventually start moving my legs some to aid with closing my core physically.) My mom arrived on day 8 and having her here to help was so nice. She helped so much with food prep/dinners and cleaning up after meals, which allowed Ryan to focus more on taking care of the other kids and me. I think I maybe at one or two meals at the table but all other meals were had in bed! I didn't leave the house, except maybe once or twice to ride along to Starbucks for a mocha. :)<br />
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<b><u>Days 11-15: Around the bed</u></b><br />
- On day 11, I rode in the car with Ryan to drop all of the kids off at school. We stopped at Starbucks, and sat inside for a few minutes together. After about 10 minutes, I felt tired and started to get a little emotional so it was time to get back home and into bed! On day 12, we took Serena to the pediatrician for her first check up while my mom stayed home with the 2 kids who weren't in school that day. On our way home, Ryan and I stopped by Torchy's tacos and had lunch together, then came back home and I spent the rest of the afternoon in bed. On day 13, we had a midwife appointment and on day 14 I had a therapy session! Ryan and I went to both of these (morning) appointments together, and I was able to come home afterwards and get right back in bed and rest for the remainder of the day. It's been nice having these little outings while still prioritizing resting and getting back in bed! P.S. I'm still pretty much eating every meal at home in bed!<br />
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That sums up our first 15 days! I feel so lucky. Very spoiled. Extremely grateful. It's been a time filled with lots of rest, The Office, many many mochas and tons of baby snuggles.<br />
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Ryan heads back to work tomorrow, so I will be spending some time this week navigating uncharted territory and figuring out what the next few weeks look like for me. Emerging from these first 15 days, slowly easing back into a <i>simple</i> routine, while still prioritizing rest, self-care and time with my baby. Thanks for sticking with me :). (And Houston friends - we've opened up the meal train to include every day just for next week as we adjust to Ryan being gone during the day! If you're looking for a way to support us that would be a great way to do so!)<br />
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<br />Stephaniehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13661158320044251543noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2097652156222539639.post-84533140846235174762020-01-14T10:16:00.000-08:002020-01-26T10:17:45.094-08:00Serena VioletIntroducing...<br />
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Serena Violet! She joined us earth side on January 10, 2020 at 11:56 p.m. Weighing in at a perfect 7 lbs. 11 oz. and 20.25" long. Born peacefully at home, in the middle of a storm and on the first full moon of the year. At 38 weeks and 5 days, she just couldn't wait a minute longer to come out and meet us! Welcome to our circus sweet girl!Stephaniehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13661158320044251543noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2097652156222539639.post-84813825687427704632020-01-10T07:00:00.000-08:002020-02-07T08:23:26.992-08:00Preparing for Birth<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
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<span style="font-family: inherit; white-space: pre-wrap;">Preparing for birth - both physically and emotionally - looks different for every woman. </span><span style="font-family: inherit; white-space: pre-wrap;">When does one begin preparation for the birth experience? The start of the 3rd trimester? Week 39? The second there is a positive pregnancy test? Long before that? What does it even mean to “prepare” for birth? Is it simply packing a bag and trying not to think about it too much? Or is it taking a childbirth class, reading a book or writing out a detailed birth plan/wish list?</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: inherit; white-space: pre-wrap;">I want to share with you a little bit about just how I’ve been preparing for birth this time around - because it’s looked a lot different than the first 3 times.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">For me, with baby number 1, I spent a lot of time listening to and reading birth stories. (I HIGHLY recommend <a href="https://thebirthhour.com/" target="_blank">The Birth Hour</a> podcast to ANY AND ALL pregnant mamas. You can learn soooo much from just hearing other women's experiences!) We also took a childbirth class at the hospital and I stayed as active as I could, running up until 38 weeks pregnant. I gathered a few “distraction” items for labor, like a head massager and photo from our honeymoon to focus on. I assumed I was totally underestimating how painful my desired unmedicated birth would be and knew I would need some extra help coping, so we also <a href="https://doublechocolatecake.blogspot.com/2015/02/god-is-crazy-take-2.html" target="_blank">hired a doula</a>. </span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Fast forward. I started planning for the birth of my 4th baby the second that I gave birth to my 3rd. I’ve been planning for the birth of THIS baby specifically for almost 2 and a half years. I know it sounds a little crazy, but after <a href="https://doublechocolatecake.blogspot.com/2017/12/camerons-birth-story-part-1.html" target="_blank">my last experience</a> I knew that I wanted things to be different the next time, and that it would take thought, effort and time to make that happen. I’m a planner by nature, but even if you don’t consider yourself to be a planner, preparing for your birth experience (like anything else) can and will allow you to get the most out of your experience - regardless of HOW or where you plan to bring your baby earthside. </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 700; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">And by “getting the most out of the experience” I mean coming out of it feeling empowered, confident and supported. (And unfortunately that doesn’t just happen automatically.) </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Why is this important? Why </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><i>should</i></span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> it be? Because birth matters. The birth experience MATTERS. How women FEEL/FELT during birth matters. (And it can and will and does affect life after pregnancy/birth.) Because the </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">experience</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> of actually bringing another life into this world IS significant (no matter how or where). There’s no arguing that. </span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">So here are a few ways I’ve spent the last 2.5 years preparing!</span></span><br />
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<li><span style="font-family: inherit; font-weight: 700; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Connecting with my body and my cycles</span><span style="font-family: inherit; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> - After my previous birth, I felt like I really missed out on that supernatural mind-body connection that we as women get to experience through pregnancy and birth. (This even carried over into <a href="https://doublechocolatecake.blogspot.com/2018/06/my-postpartum-depression.html" target="_blank">my postpartum experience</a> as my body and hormones were SO out of whack and I felt like I didn’t even know my body physiologically anymore.) Not long after the postpartum depression fog lifted, I started listening to fertility meditations, working on having a GRACIOUS attitude towards my periods/natural cycle, what my body is capable of naturally and really diving into self-care. Re-establishing that connection has been huge, both from a pregnancy/birth and non-birth standpoint. Vaginal steaming, fertility meditations and consistent alone time were some of the biggest things, but you can find an even longer list <a href="https://doublechocolatecake.blogspot.com/2018/11/self-care-november.html" target="_blank">HERE</a>!</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: inherit; font-weight: 700; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">More meditatio</span><b style="font-family: inherit; white-space: pre;"><span style="color: black; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">ns (</span><span style="color: black; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">pregnancy/birth affirmations and meditations)</span></b><span style="font-family: inherit; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> - Once I actually WAS pregnant, I shifted gears and started listening to pregnancy/birth affirmations and meditations. I have loved incorporating these meditations into other “relaxation/me” times, (while taking a bath or sitting in Starbucks, laying in bed or sipping coffee while driving in the car by myself). My hope is that during labor, I can turn these on and still associate them with all of the quiet, peaceful, relaxing, self-care times that I have had while hearing these. It also just feels good to let those affirmations wash over me - speaking so positively over my pregnancy, my baby, my body and birth experience.</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: inherit; font-weight: 700; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Reading <a href="https://www.amazon.com/Ina-Mays-Guide-Childbirth-Gaskin/dp/0553381156/ref=sr_1_1?crid=197SJP6W8ZWT9&keywords=ina+mays+guide+to+natural+childbirth&qid=1578426954&sprefix=ina+mays+guide+to+natur%2Caps%2C519&sr=8-1" target="_blank">Ina May’s Guide to Childbirth</a></span><span style="font-family: inherit; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> - I really haven’t read a ton of ACTUAL books on birth (despite having spent literally HUNDREDS of hours studying and learning about pregnancy and birth). But it felt SO good to read a book that really reaffirmed my thoughts and beliefs about birth, not to mention just absorbing all of the positive birth energy that this book pours out. Of course a book that speaks positively about what our bodies were literally DESIGNED to do has many benefits. But it really just felt like sitting down with a very close like-minded friend. One that says “Yes, I totally agree! Amen! Yes! You’re right! You’re not wrong for feeling that way! This is <i>why</i> you feel the way that you do.” Something like that anyway...</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: inherit; font-weight: 700; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Establishing a solid birth team</span><span style="font-family: inherit; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> - This time it was important to me to know and be familiar with those who will be sharing my birth space with me. I have handpicked each one of these people who will come alongside me, guide and support me throughout my labor and birth (and pregnancy and postpartum). I have spent a lot of time with them and know and love and trust them. (And they know me as well.) They will be there to support me and hubby, and to help HIM help ME! (Side note: I had a doula present for my <a href="https://doublechocolatecake.blogspot.com/2014/06/heidi-roses-birth-story-part-1.html" target="_blank">first</a> and <a href="https://doublechocolatecake.blogspot.com/2016/04/wells-birth-story-part-1.html" target="_blank">second</a> births, but not for my third - all of which were hospital births. I will never ever give birth without a doula present again. I cannot stress enough just how beneficial it is to have that kind of additional support during the birthing experience.)</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: inherit; font-weight: 700; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Diet/exercise </span><span style="font-family: inherit; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">- I’ve tried to establish/maintain a healthy-ish diet and stay as active as I can this pregnancy. The last time, with baby #3, everything went to hell and a hand basket and my life was completely upside down. Not eating well and not being active AT ALL (even just going on walks) was not a priority and impacted me on a lot of different levels, including my emotional state AND actual birth experience. This time I tried to be aware of these things throughout the entire pregnancy - in hopes that I am laying a solid foundation </span><span style="font-family: inherit; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><i>physiologically</i></span><span style="font-family: inherit; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> for myself. I have also been much more diligent about taking the vitamins and supplements recommended to me by my midwife. Being conscientious of what I am putting into my body as well as exercising (running, walking, yoga, etc.) has also helped me to feel more connected to my body and my pregnancy. (Please note - whenever I use the word “diet” I </span><span style="font-family: inherit; font-style: italic; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">never</span><span style="font-family: inherit; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> mean “diet</span><span style="font-family: inherit; font-style: italic; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">ing</span><span style="font-family: inherit; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">”. I simply mean the compilation/combination/composition of what I am eating.)</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: inherit; font-weight: 700; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Working through “baggage”, past traumas, previous birth experiences (both positive and negative), fears and unrealistic expectations with my doula, therapist and midwife</span><span style="font-family: inherit; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> - This one is HUGE. And certainly still a work in progress (and probably will be until the arrival of this next baby, at least). But with each birth experience comes new “baggage” - whether in the form of expectations and/or fears (often unrealistic and/or irrational, respectively). After my last birth experience specifically, I have a lot of fear - from both an emotional and physical standpoint. I hope to share more on this later, but regardless of past birth experiences (or sexual traumas, physical abuse, PTSD, or even just perceived trauma from other experiences) I do believe in the </span><span style="font-family: inherit; font-style: italic; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">importance</span><span style="font-family: inherit; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> of voicing these feelings, naming the “baggage” and having others hold that space for you. Even if I don’t feel like things are 100% resolved from my own previous experiences (they probably won’t be) at least acknowledging them, putting them out into the universe and sharing them with my birth team is progress, and I hope will reduce some fear, keep my expectations in check and keep my heart open to this new experience. </span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: inherit; font-weight: 700; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Listening to POSITIVE birth stories</span><span style="font-family: inherit; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> - always LOVE me some good birth stories, but this time I tried to focus only on listening to and reading positive and empowering experiences. This was just a way for me to protect the energy coming into my brain. (Watching/listening to traumatic or extremely painful births makes me question a lot of things this time, so it isn’t helpful for me to take those in!) </span></li>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">And lastly… </span></span><br />
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<li><span style="font-family: inherit; font-weight: 700; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Perineal massage</span><span style="font-family: inherit; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> - This is a more recent (and very different) one for me! Starting at week 36, hubby has been doing nightly perineal massage - aka vagina massage! (Don’t worry - it’s not in a sexual way I promise! And if you don’t know what the H I’m talking about feel free to google it! I won’t get into all of the what’s and how to’s here this time.) It’s insanely difficult to perform perineal massage on yourself when you’ve got a giant 9 month belly, so having a partner do it for you is much easier. For five 1-minute increments (with 30 seconds between) the massage mimics a contraction, building in pressure up until the 30 second mark, then decreasing for the last 30 seconds. The intention is to stretch the perineum in hopes to avoid or minimize tearing. During these massages, I have been “practicing” being in labor. It’s not painful, but there is a bit of </span><span style="font-family: inherit; font-style: italic; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">slight</span><span style="font-family: inherit; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> pressure/discomfort. It’s been the perfect opportunity to put on a meditation/relaxing music/labor playlist and practice getting into the zone. Focusing on my body and my baby, relaxing my pelvic floor and getting into the right headspace. It’s truly been great practice for learning how to relax while something not quite so relaxing is going on! (Side note: The first night I made Ryan stop because I hated it and felt really emotionally uncomfortable. We had some loud obnoxious TV show on and it just felt awful all the way around. The next night I tried to make it a more “zen” experience - and it made such a difference. To be honest, I actually look forward to those 5ish minutes each night now!)</span></li>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">That’s it! Those are all of the things I have been doing and focusing on to prepare myself for my 4th birth experience and bringing a new life into this world. </span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">What does birth prep mean to you?? </span></span><br />
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Stephaniehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13661158320044251543noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2097652156222539639.post-24265671640904763672020-01-09T16:43:00.000-08:002020-01-21T16:44:58.538-08:00Fear<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgcbu37dRJNSQtLw0hQi_rp8cj5pOqhwimeIdYDSeq8ckLSQLaRgz5JxSc71M2FVT08bxOSOTpiJ10vm9iITjed-edWNKFWzYnNaInEbpKKFuiB8rUyJBjQqH_qnx4RcbVpkuKEx8yu-Hc/s1600/KrestaFamily2019-54a.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1519" data-original-width="1024" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgcbu37dRJNSQtLw0hQi_rp8cj5pOqhwimeIdYDSeq8ckLSQLaRgz5JxSc71M2FVT08bxOSOTpiJ10vm9iITjed-edWNKFWzYnNaInEbpKKFuiB8rUyJBjQqH_qnx4RcbVpkuKEx8yu-Hc/s400/KrestaFamily2019-54a.jpg" width="268" /></a></td></tr>
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<span style="background-color: white; color: #262626;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">Can I be super honest with you? I was going to post a blog this morning about what I’ve been doing differently to prepare myself for birth this time around, but it didn’t feel right today so I’m saving it for another day. Because you know what? Lately there’s been a lot of fear in my heart. Like, I’m absolutely terrified. More afraid than ever. Right around this time in pregnancy (so, the end) it’s very typical for fear and doubt to sneak in. It happens to me every time. Fear of birth. Fear of unmedicated birth. Fear of pain. Fear of not being ready. Not being able to do it. But also fear of something being wrong now or going wrong later. Is my baby okay in there? Is something off? Will my baby make it out okay? Will I survive all of this? Which paths involve the least amount of fear? Sign me up for that, I don’t care if it feels right or not.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br style="background-color: white; color: #262626;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #262626;">But this time the fear has been SO much more intense than ever before. I’m not sure if that’s because of my last birth experience or if it’s just because. But as I was completely spiraling this morning (for a several reasons) I felt the Lord speaking to my heart - saying “Trust Me”. It sounds simple enough. (Spoiler alert: It’s not.) But I keep coming back to that. Because that IS “all” I have to do. Just sit back and trust in Him and His plan. Whether things look like what I envision or not, that His plan is the “right” one. “Trust. ME.” So today I’m focusing on releasing the fear. Because that’s how the enemy robs us of SO much joy and amazing experiences.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br style="background-color: white; color: #262626;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #262626;">He has always provided. He has never abandoned me. Or you. Nor will He ever. Grateful that this is the God that I get to serve.</span></span>Stephaniehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13661158320044251543noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2097652156222539639.post-76265350260738211692020-01-06T16:29:00.000-08:002020-01-21T16:30:03.884-08:0038 Weeks<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgbZNtivR9jncIPWcwRZayygAHOtUmdilTnBDlSbvnfPsjaulowHvFtb_iq1J3grE9_8eAMXtM-vCX4NZe1XCGv6oVXN0_udh995UVf3Zkm5mn_XmgGQti8S55UcLN3oS1lnw3kHKkGRts/s1600/89235743-B834-4BA5-ACA1-65582AC375F8.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1388" data-original-width="1388" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgbZNtivR9jncIPWcwRZayygAHOtUmdilTnBDlSbvnfPsjaulowHvFtb_iq1J3grE9_8eAMXtM-vCX4NZe1XCGv6oVXN0_udh995UVf3Zkm5mn_XmgGQti8S55UcLN3oS1lnw3kHKkGRts/s320/89235743-B834-4BA5-ACA1-65582AC375F8.JPG" width="320" /></a></div>
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<span style="background-color: white; color: #262626;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">Yesterday we hit the 38 week mark! And then I spent 2 hours crying last night because I don’t feel ready for birth or baby or postpartum or pregnancy to be over or newborn stage (or future toddler phases 😆) or anything that comes after today. The things that need to be ready aren’t, and the things I want to be ready also are not even close and I really started panicking because it feels like I’m out of time 😰. After some talking down from hubby (and actually getting some sleep) I’m feeling much better about everything today. Learning to accept that when it comes to birth and newborns and the “next” (among SO many other things in life) often times you’re never really ready until it’s actually happening. I love this time and I still want to find as much joy and be as present in it as I can! So here’s what 38 weeks looks like on the inside!! I see you baby!!! 💗</span></span>Stephaniehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13661158320044251543noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2097652156222539639.post-82582682237963561652019-12-22T16:21:00.000-08:002020-01-21T16:22:43.038-08:0036 Weeks<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Sarah McKenzie Photography</td></tr>
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<span style="background-color: white; color: #262626;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">36 weeks today. And I can hardly even believe that we’re already here.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br style="background-color: white; color: #262626;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #262626;">When I tell people how far along I am in this pregnancy, at this point the automatic response is “Wow almost there!” or “Oh you’re getting so close!” But what’s weird is that, while I do have brief moments where I feel like the pregnancy part of this journey is basically over (typically coupled with slight panic!), MOST of the time I feel like I still have lots of time between now and when we meet this baby face to face. For the first time, 36 weeks just doesn’t feel THAT close to being the end, when that next chapter will begin. I still (hopefully) have many weeks left with this babe growing and rolling inside of me. We’ve just BARELY started talking about names, haven’t prepared a space for baby, washed clothes or anything like that.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br style="background-color: white; color: #262626;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #262626;">Maybe I’m in denial. Or maybe 4 weeks actually IS a long time. Enough time. The right amount of time. However long it ends up being. I’m still focused intently on the present, no countdowns or number of days left of xyz...because I know how sacred, special and important these last few weeks are to me. I also know from experience that baby’s birth story doesn’t begin with broken waters or a contraction or the arrival time at a hospital, but in the hours, days and weeks before that. For some mamas, this time is about wanting to press fast forward. Just get through it. End it already. Sprint the last 100 meters, cross the finish line, without looking up. And to others, it’s about desperately wanting to slam on the brakes, out of fear or just needing more time to prepare, nest, bond (👈🏼 usually me!)... this time I DO want to take it slow. But not out of desperation. But out of honor and respect for the process. For my body and baby’s natural rhythms. I plan on spending a lot of time in nature, meditating, praying, nesting, connecting with my body, listening to baby and his/her timing... and MAYBE at least having SOME name options for this baby!</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br style="background-color: white; color: #262626;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #262626;">Here’s to the last month-ish of pregnancy!! Enjoying each day of the next month or however long. (And if God wants to give me a little extra time I’m okay with that too 😉.) To the next 2-6 weeks - I’m here for you.</span></span>Stephaniehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13661158320044251543noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2097652156222539639.post-50666648587355395382019-12-10T15:54:00.000-08:002020-01-21T17:22:31.587-08:0040 days. 34 Weeks.<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Sarah McKenzie Photography</td></tr>
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<span style="background-color: white; color: #262626;">40 days from our due date today! And while I am aware today of that specific number (only because I went out of my way to look it up a few days ago) we still have no countdowns over here, no focus on “how many days/weeks until _____” or how many more “alone” days I have before baby arrives. (In the past I’ve known EXACTLY how much time I had left.) I hardly know what to tell strangers when asked how far along I am - not because by baby number 4 you lose track or are too preoccupied to remember but because I actually haven’t been focused on knowing. I’ve been BLISSFULLY unaware of timelines and it feels amazing. I’m still focusing intently on the present and hardly looking ahead any more than I absolutely have to. Turning my eyes towards the Lord and being more intentional with my time with Him. Preparing my heart for birth. Preparing my soul for the sacredness of the postpartum experience. Seeking guidance from professionals as well as my labor support team to come alongside me and lead me on this journey towards birthing another life into this world. 🙏🏼💗</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: white; color: #262626;"><span style="background-color: white; color: #262626;">This past weekend we were so fortunate to have some time with </span><a class="notranslate" href="https://www.instagram.com/sarahmckenziephoto/" style="border: 0px; font-stretch: inherit; line-height: inherit; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;" target="_blank">@sarahmckenziephoto</a><span style="background-color: white; color: #262626;"> (who was actually with us for 2 of our previous births!) to capture this sacred time for our family. I am so grateful for her and can’t wait to see more!!</span></span></div>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Sarah McKenzie Photography</td></tr>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="background-color: white; color: #262626;"><br /></span></span>Stephaniehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13661158320044251543noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2097652156222539639.post-34989556794496411522019-09-06T15:52:00.000-07:002020-01-21T15:53:17.232-08:0020 weeks<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="background-color: white; color: #262626;">20 weeks. 20 weeks with this baby growing inside of me. I’m a little sad that we’re already to the halfway point, but also SO excited for the second half of this pregnancy.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br style="background-color: white; color: #262626;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #262626;">I truly believe that God did not intend for pregnancy to be a miserable time to just wade through, waiting and wishing for it to be over. It’s part of the journey that He created for us. Yes there’s some sacrifice, it’s not always “easy” and there certainly are some growing pains (both physically and emotionally). But I believe that His timing and design is perfect, whether we understand it or not.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br style="background-color: white; color: #262626;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #262626;">Something I’ve been doing a little differently this time around is focusing intently on the present, and on BEING present in this pregnancy. In the past, I feel like there was a lot of counting down to specific milestones. “How many more weeks until ____?” “I cant WAIT until I’m ___ weeks!” “How many more days until my next ultrasound?” “When will I look like THIS? or feel THAT?” ”How much more time until ____ happens?” And this time I’ve done none of that. I am 20 weeks right now. And that’s that. I’m not thinking about 21 weeks, or 27 weeks or 39 weeks. (Still preparing diligently for birth and my postpartum experience though, of course.)</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br style="background-color: white; color: #262626;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #262626;">My hope is that when I’m 40 weeks pregnant, I can look back on this time and think “What an amazing journey this has been!” and not “Oh crap where did the time go?!” I’ve experienced the latter in a very negative way before and I don’t want it to feel that way again. Because I want to enjoy it and never ever take this time and blessing for granted.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br style="background-color: white; color: #262626;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #262626;">So here’s to the past 20 weeks. And to enjoying EACH of the next 20!!</span></span>Stephaniehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13661158320044251543noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2097652156222539639.post-67612812031960048372019-07-11T21:38:00.000-07:002020-01-21T17:19:31.952-08:00Baby #4 on the Way!<div class="MsoNormal">
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">It's official! We're pregnant with Baby #4 and are SO excited to become a family of SIX! As always, here are a few of the initial details about growing this new little life!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /><b>Due Date:</b><span class="apple-converted-space"><b> </b>January 19, 2020</span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /><o:p></o:p><b>How many weeks along am I now: </b>12 weeks<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /><o:p></o:p><b>How big is Baby Kresta:</b><span class="apple-converted-space"><b> </b>Currently the size of an apricot</span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /><b>Boy or Girl:<span class="apple-converted-space"> </span></b>I have no clue! I'm leaning more towards boy just based on previous pregnancy experiences/symptoms but there's just no telling. With baby #3, it was pretty obvious to me that Cami was a girl... this baby seems much less obvious... it could to either way! When others have an opinion or feeling one way or another they almost always say they feel like it’s a girl!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /><b>Morning sickness: </b>YES. Lots of nausea with this one! Probably one of the roughest early 1st trimesters I've had out of all 4, but I feel like I shouldn't complain because it really isn't <i>THAT</i> bad compared to how bad it could be. Luckily, I usually have only 3 weeks of feeling really crappy (weeks 6, 7 and 8). By the end of week 8 I'm typically already starting to feel much better, though still OH so tired. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;"><b>Exhaustion: </b>SO. FREAKING. TIRED. You just always forget what that kind of exhaustion feels like. You're just SO wiped out. Words can't describe it. But it's a different KIND of tired. It's different than newborn/sleep deprivation tiredness... I think because you could literally sleep for 16 hours straight and wake up and still feel dead inside. Add in also caring for 3 other littles and that's a recipe for LOTS of naps and letting the kids play in their beds/rooms until late morning before getting them up for the day. Oops!<b> </b><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;"><b>Belly: </b>Lots of giant end-of-the-day food babies starting around week 7 or 8. (After a few babies you pretty much just start showing by week 4 anyway!) Baby belly definitely popping though between weeks 10-12. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;"><b>Planned: </b>110% (btw I don't really like using the word "planned" for this. Maybe "intentional" would be a better term here?) But yes, even before conception this was already our most planned for, talked about, prayed for and thought about baby. For a lot of different reasons. But we were absolutely wishing/praying/wanting this baby to come into existence at exactly the time when he/she did. With NFP/FAM we are always saying <i>YES</i> to God and <i>His</i> plan for our family, and we are grateful for His perfect timing. </span><br />
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A little more background(/TMI) info on “planning” for this baby: We've been talking about this baby for a while now. We knew what <b style="font-style: italic;">our </b>desires were/are for our family, and we prayed that those might align with <b>God's</b>. For over a year now, I kind of had 2 different "timelines" if you will as to what I felt would work best for me, my health and for our family to add another member. Once we knew what felt right, I decided to plan a fun getaway for us (sans kids)! Looking ahead on the calendar, I figured out when I would be ovulating during the month of April (the earliest I would want to get pregnant = January baby and [unless something goes awry] no December baby. Sorry Christmas b-day people!) and booked us a babymaking trip! I really went into it knowing our intentions but also recognizing that if we were to NOT get pregnant at that time I would be at peace with it. I know that it's not about OUR timing but God's timing, and if this was not His desire for us to conceive then we wouldn't. And we could continue to "try" if we wanted to. Or not. So although this is what we wanted, I wasn't trying to hold on to this idea as an end-all-be-all decision/timeline because I know it's not really up to me (as much as we like to think it is most of the time).<br />
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<b>How did we find out/pregnancy test details: </b>We had only been back from New York for a few days when I decided to start testing. This time around I did a lot of research on pregnancy test sensitivity - meaning which pregnancy tests truly pick up the lowest amount of HCG. (If you're curious, First Response Early Result Tests REALLY DO tell you first! First Response will pick up HCG at as little as 6mIU/mL, whereas most other brands won't pick up HCG until it reaches at LEAST 20mIu, or more.) ANYWAY. That being said I started testing with First Response the earliest I thought implantation was possible. On Monday, May 6 at 3w1d, (9dpo and 6 days before missed period) I got that first VERY faint positive! I was absolutely blown away at how early we found out. <b>I share these specifics because: a)</b> it took me 4 pregnancies to figure this out - knowledge is power people - and <b>b) </b>I honestly feel that I would have known about our other babies much sooner had I actually been using First Response and not those darn cheapies. (Don't get me wrong I love keeping the cheapies on hand for "emergencies" BUT they just can't tell you much if it's before your missed period. I've never been someone to suspect a pregnancy and then wait to test until AFTER my missed period. <i>Cheapies are great if you're already late,</i> when hcg levels have already had a chance double a few times, in my personal opinion.) Not that WHEN you find out changes anything at all, but if you're like me and you prefer to know at the soonest moment possible maybe you found this information helpful :).<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjdSjCxxT73ho5uok9nwHUJSUtpSpWF18WBuxqRkuldTgnbpfCDh0fdEKRkEfS3UnDC45hEQz-KXvHyOGQnJCvsa5uT4ca9S0C8kgT6-zWfxHafICd9Zm_YVWj22se-E-9hd6ievt5j5mw/s1600/IMG_1624.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1200" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjdSjCxxT73ho5uok9nwHUJSUtpSpWF18WBuxqRkuldTgnbpfCDh0fdEKRkEfS3UnDC45hEQz-KXvHyOGQnJCvsa5uT4ca9S0C8kgT6-zWfxHafICd9Zm_YVWj22se-E-9hd6ievt5j5mw/s320/IMG_1624.jpg" width="240" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">1st pos. test with a very faint line! Hard to see in a photo! (9dpo)</td></tr>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">The next day. Feeling more real! (10dpo!)</td></tr>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;"><b>Why did we decide share the news when we did:</b><span class="apple-converted-space"><b> </b>We shared our news "publicly" at 7 weeks.<b> </b></span>Ever since my first pregnancy, I have felt very convicted to share our pregnancy news as soon as possible. When I was pregnant with Heidi, I can remember thinking to myself: "I'm doing this thing that everyone is telling me I'm supposed to do (by waiting to share) but why?" I do not feel like I'm protecting myself by keeping my babies a secret until a certain magical time. It is a personal decision for everyone, but I would be hurting myself and making things much much harder on our family should a miscarriage or other health issue occur. Every woman and every family is different, so the decision truly is different for everyone, but I feel very strongly about not keeping our pregnancies a secret until X number of weeks. And if you've been around here for a while you know I don't make decisions based on fear or the "what ifs" if something were to go wrong. I also am not naieve to think that something could go wrong at <i>any</i> point. Because in our family we place such a high value on the support we receive from our community, we will<span class="apple-converted-space"> </span><i style="font-size: 12pt;">always</i><span class="apple-converted-space"> </span>share the news of pregnancy with those who we are closest with right away, and publicly within that first month or two. Regardless of whether it's a healthy pregnancy or if a miscarriage happens <b><i>a life is a life and one that deserves love, joy and celebrating. One way or another.</i></b> <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /><b>How far apart will Cami and baby #4 be:</b><span class="apple-converted-space"><b> </b>2yrs 4 months (somehow the largest gap we've had between kids so far - insert smiling sweating emoji!)</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;"></span><span style="font-family: inherit;">We are SO excited to welcome this fourth addition to our family. Pregnancy is totally my jam and bringing babies into the world is something that I truly love to do. I am so excited and SO grateful that God is allowing me to experience it all again. We look forward to sharing our journey with you for a FOURTH time!</span></div>
Stephaniehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13661158320044251543noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2097652156222539639.post-32752931328740500702019-04-01T21:27:00.000-07:002019-04-02T05:22:59.854-07:00Why I'm Not Afraid to Have More Babies<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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I get asked a lot if I'm "afraid" or fearful of having another baby. Originally, I thought I would hold off on writing a post like this until I actually was pregnant, but since it seems to come up frequently (and plus our "plans" and futures are never 100% guaranteed regardless of what we think we want) I figured why not now? (Also, just to be totally clear over here - we are not currently pregnant.)<br />
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To some, it might seem odd that this question gets asked often, but I suppose it's because of my ongoing openness about wanting a large family/additional children. So it does come up quite a bit.<br />
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<i>"Are you afraid of getting postpartum depression again?"</i><br />
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The answer? No. Absolutely not.<br />
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Why am I not "afraid"? First of all, I am not a very fearful person. I don't make decisions based on fear or the "what ifs". I don't let fear affect how I live my life. Nothing that I do or believe is rooted in fear-based thoughts. Even when it comes to how I speak to my kids, I have been very intentional about never using fear-based statements to try to influence them. ("Don't do that! That's scary!!" "Don't touch that it's SCARY!" "____ is scary/will scare you!") <b>I won't ever say or feel "I'm too scared to have more children because I'm afraid I'll have postpartum depression again." </b>I truly believe that living like this or making decisions in this way is the enemy's way of robbing us of experiencing so many wonderful God-given things, and His love and desires for us.<br />
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I've even had some people really challenge me on this and in a fairly criticizing/judgmental way. "Do you <i>really</i> think that's a good idea?" "What makes you think it's going to be different?" "What if ____ happens again? Then what??" "How can you possibly consider having another baby after what happened to you the last time?"<br />
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Here's the thing. <i>Everything</i> is different. Even IF nothing is different "situationally" (which it is) -<b> <i>I am different </i>therefore it WILL be different. All of it. </b>Does this mean future pregnancies/births/postpartum experiences will be <i>easy</i>? Absolutely not. Will they be more sacred? Looked at with completely different eyes? Prepared for differently? 100%.<br />
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People EXPECT me to be scared. But the truth is I'm not. <b>There's actually not a single aspect of this that does scare me. It is in fact quite the opposite. </b>I can hardly wait.<br />
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So what will actually be different??<br />
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There are a lot of ways I plan to handle/be more intentional with my pregnancy/birth/postpartum experiences - and I do plan to go into more detail on this if/when that time comes. I truly believe that <a href="https://doublechocolatecake.blogspot.com/2019/03/the-pregnancybirthpostpartum-connection.html" target="_blank">pregnancy experience + birth experience (+ community/support) = postpartum experience</a> and I can't WAIT to lay the groundwork. I am SO excited to honor the postpartum period specifically. I have so many ideas and tools that I've learned about. One example of this would be instituting a 15 day "lying in period" post-birth (5 days IN the bed, 5 days ON the bed, and 5 days AROUND the bed). No leaving the house. No going to the grocery store. And certainly no traveling out of town to be a bridesmaid (in heels) in an outdoor wedding 10 days postpartum (hehe). This is actually quite common in other cultures, but even just honoring the postpartum period in general is something that is tragically SO foreign in our society. I believe postpartum (and a lying-in period specifically) is something that <b><i>can be prepared for</i></b> and can truly enhance the SACREDNESS and holiness of the immediate postpartum. It sounds absolutely BLISSFUL to me. I do believe that by being proactive you do have the ability to "set yourself up" for a positive postpartum experience.<br />
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A few other (brief) ways I plan to create a different (physical) space and headspace for myself in the future:<br />
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<b>- My mindset/thought process</b> - changing the way I think about the connections between pregnancy, birth, postpartum (and my physical body), focusing on what I HAVE learned about these intense deep-rooted connections and taking the time throughout pregnancy to sit in silence and honor all of those connections and experiences (see previous post!)<br />
<b>- Intentions</b> - by being more intentional about setting aside time to focus on connecting with my growing baby, my body and our upcoming birth experience (both the physical and mental aspects of labor and delivery) as well as the breastfeeding and postpartum experiences<br />
<b>- Planning/preparation (mostly mental) </b>- preparing myself for the days immediately following birth, preparing myself and my family for what <i><b>I</b></i> want that to look like and creating a plan for how that can be achieved<br />
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One day, hopefully, I look forward to sharing more of the specifics of these and how I plan to make them happen.<br />
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Of course, there are plenty of situations that are NOT in our control (which I am WELL aware of and all too familiar with) and I'm not expecting to have control over everything - nor to ever be immune to LIFE. But over the last year and a half I have learned that there is so much that I DO have control over. I have learned so much about connecting - what it means to connect with myself, with a baby/pregnancy, and connecting with God and His desires for me. I have really explored self-care and <a href="https://doublechocolatecake.blogspot.com/2018/11/self-care-november.html" target="_blank">gotten really good at it</a>. But even IF POSTPARTUM DEPRESSION DOES HAPPEN AGAIN - we've been through it before. My husband and I know what we are dealing with (to an extent). We have so many more tools and resources and knowledge than ever before. I believe that we would be able to take control of postpartum depression much more quickly and more effectively. I'm confident that (based on what my PPD looked like the last time) it would be so different should something similar happen again in the future - but I'm far from convinced that it will happen again :).<br />
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<br />Stephaniehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13661158320044251543noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2097652156222539639.post-33864398042427345122019-03-25T18:22:00.001-07:002019-03-26T11:15:45.947-07:00The Pregnancy/Birth/Postpartum ConnectionThis post might not really "do" much for very many people out there. This one's mostly just for me - as a way of organizing what's in my brain and dumping my thoughts out. BUT I do think there is some importance in not just keeping this to myself, because if it helps one person out there - then of course it's worth it to throw it out there. Even if postpartum depression is completely nonexistent in someone else's journey, there is always a postpartum <i>experience</i>. I do believe that there is value in recognizing how connected all of these experiences are to each other (regardless of whether the postpartum experience is positive or negative). For me personally, it just took actually going through postpartum depression (and all of these other things) to actually realize this. Postpartum depression aside, maybe this will help someone else out there understand and honor these connections (and how they can possibly affect the postpartum experience) - whether on their own journey or someone they are close to.<br />
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I have always viewed pregnancy, labor & delivery and postpartum as very separate events. Sure these experiences all have to do with bringing a new baby into the world, but up until recently, I have seen each as a "phase", completely independent and separate from the others. When one chapter ended, the next began, unrelated (for the most part) to the one before or after it. By allowing my eyes to be opened to just how intricately woven together all of these experiences are, I have a much better understanding of my own journey and how all of these "phases" led me down the path towards postpartum depression.<br />
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Postpartum depression is very different for everyone. I do believe that for some women is it 100% hormonal, and that there is no getting around it. Medication is necessary and helpful and the only solution. I am confident that hormones did play somewhat of a role in my own postpartum depression, but I think it went SO much deeper than that for me. Let me attempt to sum this up very briefly (feel free to click the links if you are interested in learning more):<br />
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<b>Pregnancy </b>- <a href="https://doublechocolatecake.blogspot.com/2018/01/adios-2017.html" target="_blank">My pregnancy experience</a> was different the third time. I love being pregnant and it seemed that I could hardly get to the point of even just <i>feeling</i> like I was pregnant, let alone focus on or enjoy the experience. I was very sick (colds, the flu multiple times, infections, etc.) and so were my babies! We were in a VERY very hard season of life - which had absolutely nothing to do with the fact that I was pregnant at the time. I felt minimally supported during pregnancy - medically, hormonally/emotionally and personally. Every time I thought I was going to be able to reach a point where I could focus and rest and things would get "easier" life would only get harder.<br />
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<b>Birth </b>- <a href="https://doublechocolatecake.blogspot.com/2017/12/camerons-birth-story-part-1.html" target="_blank">My birth experience</a> was also very different. This was my first birth without a doula present. The first birth that I was wheeled into recovery feeling ZERO sense of empowerment. I felt minimally supported by hospital staff. Even though my husband's presence and involvement was undeniably and insanely awesome, I still felt very alone. Unheard. There was no one creating that space for me to do my thing. The birth didn't go "how I wanted it to" - even though it totally DID on paper, it didn't FEEL that way - and that's important. (But I also realize that's a totally loaded statement when we're talking about birth experiences as we don't REALLY have "control" over them per say). Every. single. woman. should leave her birth experience feeling nothing but powerful, heard and strong - and I believe that goes for ANY "type" of birth. I had a freaking natural hospital birth with zero meds, delivered a 9 lb. 3 oz. baby vaginally, my husband caught her and I still felt like the smallest person on the planet. What the actual F***?! It felt like such a let down. (Again, not saying that a natural birth is what is <i>required</i> for me to feel heard and empowered - obviously - because that's what I did and still felt deflated.)<br />
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<b>Community/support</b> - This was also very different the third time around. Almost ALL of my closest friends had moved away. Plus, naturally, the more babies you have the less that people care (tragically. This is quite opposite of how it SHOULD be - <i>but I get it</i>.) We didn't really have any support systems in place <i>anywhere, </i>(no church community, no neighborhood community, no other groups we were apart of, only a few friends) so this was definitely one of the more isolating postpartum experiences that I have had.<br />
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All of this being said, I believe this equation to be true (in my case) when it comes to <i>all three</i> of my postpartum experiences:<br />
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<b>Pregnancy Experience + Birth Experience + Community Strength/Support = Postpartum experience</b><br />
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For me, there is a direct correlation between all 4 of these "dynamics" if you will. The postpartum experience is DEEPLY rooted in the combination/level of enjoyment/satisfaction during these other experiences - however they are also not necessarily mutually exclusive from each other either. They are intricately woven together. Having a strong community/support system can directly affect the birth experience and even the pregnancy experience in my opinion. I think this "formula" is actually the simplified version of what I believe this truly looks like, which is more of a spider web looking flow chart.<br />
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I have actually come up with a mathematical equation and scale to represent these factors, but I'm not sure I'm quite ready to share it yet - mostly because I'm just a random person and no professional in any way, shape or form. (But I'm kind of tempted to do a little study to see how accurate I am!) And OBVIOUSLY this doesn't take into account <i>any</i> physiological aspects either - aka hormones.<br />
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Anyway, I do believe that for myself being conscious of the correlation between ALL of these experiences and being aware of <b>just how connected these things all TRULY are </b>will help me moving forward - whether it be in my own future journeys or by helping me to better serve other expecting mamas in my life! Maybe it will do the same for you.<br />
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Thanks for sticking with me :)<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgURfv80QLMlqyoiSfdKc2IJip7qCS-G_d9GaURBQXpcO2T6vglDFzjO71x09b2j9GUnx6D8hg2ucTeI1BjOcKAWU96NhP5JKQqM0gHTDWoyVHo2KoBVt2GaRaQ_8XddgyHy3SH5gkvYlA/s1600/Cami%2527sBirthStory-90.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1068" data-original-width="1600" height="213" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgURfv80QLMlqyoiSfdKc2IJip7qCS-G_d9GaURBQXpcO2T6vglDFzjO71x09b2j9GUnx6D8hg2ucTeI1BjOcKAWU96NhP5JKQqM0gHTDWoyVHo2KoBVt2GaRaQ_8XddgyHy3SH5gkvYlA/s320/Cami%2527sBirthStory-90.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Sarah McKenzie Photography</td></tr>
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<br />Stephaniehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13661158320044251543noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2097652156222539639.post-18334414720003441592019-01-22T05:37:00.000-08:002019-01-23T12:00:15.088-08:00The 10 Year ChallengeSo there's this trend going around on social media right now "How hard did aging hit you!?" Have you seen it? You post a picture of yourself from 10 years ago and then next to it a current photo. Some people look shockingly different and others look amazingly the same. I've seen some people reacting positively but also a few negative responses from people about their changes as well (though I assume the people that are truly unhappy with the differences in the photos wouldn't participate in the first place.)<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhrVJkyUha133cDujPgpC3pXStv4QxweS5xoitVE2_yGPNMg0ZNBDvMoMaKqupsJKm7DYj_vywdrMqWAErULoE6oISQFDWCqIboe_L12iN1NOubdbtDaQy6VgKx5M2WCFRikMvHQEZpNGg/s1600/IMG_7653.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1600" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhrVJkyUha133cDujPgpC3pXStv4QxweS5xoitVE2_yGPNMg0ZNBDvMoMaKqupsJKm7DYj_vywdrMqWAErULoE6oISQFDWCqIboe_L12iN1NOubdbtDaQy6VgKx5M2WCFRikMvHQEZpNGg/s320/IMG_7653.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">(There really was no reasoning behind me choosing these two photos other than convenience!)</td></tr>
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I definitely don't take these kinds of things super seriously and I think it's fun to see how people (myself included) have changed! But this little "challenge" got me thinking: <b>I don't ever want to look at my own physical aging as a negative thing. </b>This isn't the first time I've written about this, but lately I have been feeling extra grateful to have made it long enough on this earth to even HAVE wrinkles/lines/age spots/"imperfections" whatEVER you want to call it. That in and of itself is such a blessing. There are people that I have known that aren't so lucky. People that I wish were still here to gain another line on their forehead or wrinkle on their neck.<br />
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But also - I EARNED every single one of those "imperfections" on my face, and I refuse to ever try to erase, cover up, hide or change those. Finding joy in my age/aging is something that is a priority for my own health/happiness but also for my kids. It's JUST as important to me that they grow up seeing a mom who embraces her face/body for what it is and <i>what God created it to be</i>. What the world might see as "imperfections" to me are the physical results of the things that have made me who I am today.<br />
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When I see the tiny creases starting there on my forehead or a little laugh line starting to form, I think back to all of the AMAZING beach trips I took with my friends (and didn't wear sunscreen - oops!), laughing non-stop with a friend over a cup of coffee or glass of wine, or my face ugly crying and holding on tight to a friend going through something difficult. One day I'll have grey hair from worrying about my babies and my husband and my friends. My boobs certainly aren't what they used to be (ARE ANYONES?!) but I GOT to grow and birth and FEED 3 babies with this body and those boobs. And I don't want to erase that. Not that erasing the wrinkles or changing my body would erase the memories or undo what has been done, but when I'm (hopefully) 90 years old - I want to LOOK like I have really <i>lived </i>90 years...lived them SO FULL of life. (And honestly, when I'm 60 or even 50 or 40 years old I'm 1,000% sure I will look back to photos of myself from now and think "MAN I thought I started looking older THEN?!")<br />
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This actually isn't the first time that I have thought about my own "aging" actually. Here is an excerpt from a previous blog post I wrote 2 years ago that digs a little deeper into to how I still feel now, and what has led me to this place:<br />
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">"I was recently at a church event with a group of women where the conversation essentially led to "what kind of plastic surgery do you want/what part(s) of you body are you unhappy with". Those weren't the ACTUAL initial questions but the conversation had basically turned into that. So many women - ALL of the women - were talking about Botox and wrinkles and boob jobs. It just blew my mind how each and every one of these women were insecure/unhappy with the way they looked or hated at least something about their body. Some of the girls even said that after they undress to get in the shower they shield their eyes from the mirror as they walk by so they don't have to see their own bodies. <i>My heart absolutely and completely broke in two for these women.</i> I also can't tell you how strange it felt to literally be the <b>only one</b> at the table who didn't (doesn't) have a desire to change anything about my body, my face, the way I look or how God created me. But it definitely got me thinking. WHY do I feel this way? Why DON'T I want perkier boobs or plumper lips or a smooth forehead? Part of it might be that I do work hard (and God has blessed me with a lot that allows me to do so - a healthy body, a double stroller to take the kids on runs and a husband who watches the kids so I can go on a long run by myself). I also have gotten to a point where I never want to fight the aging process. My time/energy/emotions are better spent elsewhere and I think I will be much happier if I just accept that I'm going to get wrinkles and grey hair. It's going to happen. I've accepted it and I'm okay with it. I don't know how to tell anyone else to get to that place but I promise if you can get there you'll never regret it.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">BUT. I think the absolute BIGGEST reason that I do not share those same thoughts is because of my mom. My whole life I have NEVER not once heard my mom complain about her body. As a child or adult, my mom has never complained - at least to me - about any insecurities that she may (or may not) have about her body or the way she looks. She's never talked about boob jobs, or having a flatter tummy or her wrinkles. This realization has been so eye-opening to me as a woman and also mother to my own daughter. Even if I start to get saggy grandma "bingo arms" that jiggle when I wave, or my midsection is soft and fluffier than I'd like or my boobs look like some flat-ass pancakes or WHATEVER it is - I NEVER want to let my <b>daughters OR sons</b> hear me complain about that. I want <i>all</i> of my children to see a mom who is confident and happy with the way she looks - however that might be. A mama who has love and respect and appreciation for all of the MANY things my body has done and is doing for me and for this world."</span> (You can read this entire post from 2017 <a href="https://doublechocolatecake.blogspot.com/2017/03/post-second-baby-body-and-body-image.html" target="_blank">here</a>.)<br />
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My goal is never to make others feel guilty for the way they feel or the choices they make. But since a lot of my personal beliefs/thoughts/decisions go against (what I feel is) the norm, I feel like a lot of times I need this outlet. I want to put it out there in case someone else out there feels like they are the only one. Please don't take my own thoughts personally - I'm just sharing what I feel is right for <i>my own body/life</i>. You are, of course, entitled to the same.<br />
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I make a point to not complain about my body when I'm around other women and/or my children (at least I TRY not to). It's not about faking acceptance, or pretending I don't feel insecure sometimes, but it's about ACTUALLY not having anything to complain about! It's about working towards that when I do have those off days. When I do have those days where I'm feeling insecure about something or unhappy with my body (I have been there before for sure) I talk with my husband or a close friend about it and work through my feelings. I have never dyed my hair or used an anti-wrinkle cream and I have no intentions of starting anytime soon. I hope I live long enough to look 90. Hopefully I will actually BE 90 when that happens but if not, I'm also okay with it. Bring on the grey hair, crow's feet, saggy boobs, jiggly neck, vein-y hands and creased-up forehead - I'm ready for ya!! I'm 32 years old and HAPPY to look it. I hope when I'm 40, 50, 60+ I feel the same way.<br />
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<b>"<i>I am the only one who can give my children a happy mother who loves life</i>." - Janene Wolsey Baadsgard</b><br />
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Stephaniehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13661158320044251543noreply@blogger.com0