God is Crazy - Take 2

"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.”  Matthew 11: 28-30

*Warning - this is a long one.  The details are important to me and to the story but if you don't have 5 years to read this whole thing and you are more of a Cliff's Notes person - feel free to scroll to the bottom of this post for a summary.  It won't hurt my feelings!*

So here we go. 

Back when I was roughly halfway through my pregnancy, I wrote a post about how God had already been revealing himself to us in BIG (and small) ways.  (You can read that post HERE!)  He was showing me (or opening my eyes to) how he has a hand in every aspect of my life and that if I trust in him fully, he will bear our burdens and lead our hearts.  

As I have said previously, I definitely don't think that God always reveals himself in giant flashing light kind of ways (although, sometimes) but now that I am able to look back on that journey, I want to continue to share how God further revealed himself to me during my pregnancy. 

It was actually right around the time when I had posted the above blog when I started to feel really depressed.  I’m sure that the pregnancy hormones did have something to do with this but I believe their role was minimal.  Pregnancy fills your entire being with an insane amount of love, warmth, anticipation and excitement.  But it can also have this strange way of making you feel very very alone at times.  Regardless of your situation, regardless of friends, families or how supportive your amazing husband might be… sometimes you just feel like this is something you’re doing all on your own.  It is a pretty huge burden to bear!  Let me also be a little more specific about my exact situation.  I had quit working shortly after I found out I was pregnant (you can read the full details by clicking the link above!) and was growing a baby full-time by the end of September.  I spent all of my days resting, napping, organizing and cleaning the house (sometimes), eating and planning for baby.  I would maybe go for a run or walk the dog, go to the grocery store or run errands or walk around the mall.  It sounds pretty good doesn’t it?  And it WAS!  It was awesome - such a wonderful time to focus on myself and spend precious time with my baby growing inside of me.  However, almost all of my friends work full time.  I was obviously in no state to meet friends for a late dinner, go out to happy hours or even stay out past 8:00!  (Pregnancy makes you just want to stay in all the time no matter what.)  This is obvious to most people - so they don't even bother to invite you in the first place.  (Note to self - always invite pregnant friends even if you already know the answer is no! It feels good to be included!)  While I was at home, it seemed that everyone else’s lives just continued on and I wasn’t and would no longer be a part of them.  Ryan would come home from a long day at work and after we would eat dinner he would promptly fall asleep on the couch or in bed while we watched something on Netflix.  I started to really break down… and at nighttime especially… as we all know exhaustion just magnifies our emotions by about 1,000% minimum.  I missed my time with my friends and coworkers and family and with Ryan.  I would start off by getting angry at my poor, tired, hard-working husband.   But then as I would explain to him how I felt, I just became sadder and sadder.  My only companion was my dog.  My only conversations throughout the day were one-sided.  It was hard.  My stay-at-home life was lonely.  I’m sure that for a lot of people this doesn’t really come as a huge shock.  “Duh!” you’re probably thinking… I can’t NOT take responsibility for my situation at the time… I don’t want to pretend like it wasn’t my fault that I had gotten myself into this… however it wasn’t exactly how I had pictured my pregnant-life going in the past.

I don’t want to come off as whiny or ungrateful.  I KNOW how lucky I was to not have to worry about working while pregnant.  I really don’t have a lot to complain about.  So bear with me here….

Following (during) a meltdown one night, I told Ryan that I needed something more.   I needed to do something, make a change or get involved in something.  I had been looking online at some yoga studios in the Houston area and was considering taking some prenatal yoga classes.  Surprisingly, there were only 2 or 3 studios that offered specific prenatal classes (many studios just said “we don’t have prenatal classes – just come to our regular classes and the instructor can provide you with modifications!”)  I wanted a class geared towards pregnant ladies – but I also just wanted to BE around other pregnant ladies!  Another issue that I ran into on my hunt was “hot” yoga.  As a pregnant woman, hot yoga sounded pretty risky (and not recommended).  It’s super DUPER important that you don’t get overheated when you’re pregnant.   So ANYWAY… long story short… I ended up deciding on Joy Yoga, a yoga studio on Washington.   They offered prenatal classes, always kept the studio below 80 degrees and also (based on class descriptions) seemed to be extremely accommodating towards those who needed modifications for injuries or pregnancies.  And thus began my journey with yoga.  (It felt SO good to be around other pregnant people!  Just knowing that I wasn't the only one going through something like this was incredible.  Yoga was such a blessing to my life and continues to be to this day.)  Word of advice to new soon-to-be-mammas:  Find something to do with other pregnant women - yes even strangers!  It will benefit you in more ways than you know. 

Now, as I have mentioned previously, I knew before I was even pregnant that I wanted to plan for a natural hospital birth.  That being said, I knew that it would be super naive of me to think that Ryan and I would be able to waltz into the hospital, not having any clue what we were doing and successfully follow and stick to the plan.  (I mean, I already knew that I was totally underestimating the pain and experience that is labor and giving birth.  I was fully aware of this.)  So I also knew that I wanted to have a doula present.  I knew that I needed help.  I wanted a doula there not only to offer support to me (and Ryan too!) but also because I was a little nervous about having a natural birth IN a hospital.  I had read tons of horror stories about women who had strongly desired to have natural births but instead had drugs and epidurals practically forced on them unnecessarily.  I needed to know that there was a third party there to act as an advocate for me and my needs/wants.  I wanted a presence that would truly understand the desires of my heart and wouldn’t allow anything to be forced on me unless medically necessary.  However, finding a doula (especially when giving birth in a hospital) was extremely difficult an overwhelming.  It's easy to find midwives/doulas associated with birthing centers, however finding someone who is willing to travel to a hospital (and also AFFORDABLE!!) is much harder. Having a baby is expensive (especially when your husbands insurance changes to a crappier plan midway through your pregnancy grr) so we really didn't have $1,000+ (or however much) floating around to spend on an expensive midwife/doula that we just happened to come across online.  So these were additional challenges that we were up against. 

***Side note:  A lot of people have previously asked me what a doula is/does.  Well, if we’re being honest it usually goes more like this: “A what?  Huh?  You’re having a what?  What is that?”  The best way that I can describe it is that a doula is similar to a midwife in that she provides support to the mother (and father) during childbirth.  However, unlike a midwife a doula is not really involved medically in the process of labor and delivery.  A doula is there more to hold the space, focus on the energy in the room and provide moral support.  This is my understanding anyway.  It may not look like much on paper – but TRUST me it’s so much more than it sounds – and so necessary for drug-free labor and delivery!

*Reminder - if you're getting bored and thinking "just get to the point already!" please see the bottom of this post for a summary*

Now, ironically I ended up liking the regular yoga classes (taught by one instructor specifically) a lot MORE than the prenatal classes, so I only attended maybe 4 prenatal classes total?  2 of those prenatal classes that I went to were taught by an instructor named Michelle.  At the beginning of both classes, she introduced herself and told us a little bit about her life.  She explained that she had trained to be a doula, however she had only participated in a few births and was looking to get more experience. (Turns out, she had trained for a year and a half in Kauai -   which is my favorite island and where Ryan and I went for our honeymoon.  Such a cool little connection we shared with her.)  I really liked her attitude and her energy, so after the second class I decided to talk to her.  Asking someone (out of the blue) to be your doula is kind of a big deal, so I didn't want to just put Michelle on the spot and ask directly. I decided to ask her for more details/recommendations on finding a doula to attend the birth (secretly hoping that she would end up being THE one!)  After offering a few suggestions on people/places to look into she ended with "... or maybe I could do it!"  YES!  So we exchanged numbers and planned to discuss more details over tea.  I was overjoyed.  

My journey with our doula was more than I could have ever imagined and was JUST as much about the before and after as it was about the birth experience itself.  Before the birth, Michelle and I got together a couple of times to get to know each other, discuss birth plans and just hang out!  A week or two before I was due, she even came all the way out to our house to practice some labor positions, discuss WHERE/how I would labor at home and even led me in a mini at-home yoga session.  Her presence during my labor and delivery was... what's a stronger word for helpful... VITAL. I am struggling to put into words how meaningful and important it was to me to have her there.  She dropped everything (who knows what plans she had to cancel!) to come and spend 7+ hours with me in the hospital.  She didn't leave until well after midnight and was I'm sure starving, parched and exhausted.  A few days after we returned home, she came over and cooked us lunch, held our baby, brought me some post-partum goodies and even gave me an ah-mazing professional-level post-partum massage.  As we said our goodbyes and I watched her walk our of our front door I broke down (I'm even crying as I think back to this time).  I couldn't help but think to myself that God truly brought not one but TWO angels into our lives through this experience, and Michelle was one of them.  How did we get so lucky?   Why us?  Why did Michelle choose to help us and be a part of our story? 

Even towards the end of my pregnancy, I can remember a specific moment where Ryan and I looked at each other and realized how nuts this all was.  Nuts because there is only one way that all of these events were strung together to create a perfect path.  Knowing that the way all of these things happened was no accident.  Think about it...

Let's summarize: I quit my job before finding out I was pregnant, but prior to accepting another job offer.  After spending several months at home by myself, I started to feel very lonely, so I spent some time thinking about what I could do to change this and decided to give yoga a shot.  I sought out a prenatal yoga class in Houston and ended up going with a studio called Joy Yoga.  I attended 2 Saturday morning prenatal yoga classes, taught by Michelle who happened to mention that she was a trained birth doula (and I could be wrong on this but I don't believe that she was or at least continued to be the regular Saturday a.m. instructor for that class.  Had I chickened out and not talked to her after that second class I attended, there is a good chance I would have never seen her again!)   But I DID talk to her.  And she agreed to join us on the best, craziest, most intense journey of our lives.  The rest is history.

Perhaps to those who do not believe in God this series of events is just a big coincidence.  A string of occurrences that just so happened to fall into place.  But my heart refuses to believe that these things happened by accident.  By chance.  Because I KNOW for certain that God was with us the entire time, guiding my heart and showing us the way.  Because the God that we believe in... that's what he does.  He takes our concerns and our worries and our burdens... and HE takes them on for us.  Places them on His shoulders and carries the weight.  And if we follow Him, trust in Him, He leads the way for us.

We are so unworthy.  But our God is so good.