It's A . . . !! (Gender Reveal - And How Do We Feel About It?!)

After we found out the gender of baby #2, we took Heidi out to an area near our house to take a few pictures. They actually turned out pretty good for just being iPhone pics ;).

ITS A BOY!!!! We are definitely excited to be welcoming a baby boy into our lives. But I have to say - I was not exactly expecting this! Not because I had some big mommy instinct telling me I was going to have another girl, but just because having a little sister is the only thing that I know! I just expected Heidi to have the same. Ryan is also not one of those guys who is all "I have to have a son!" so we were both in the mode where we were almost assuming (dare I say hoping?!) it was another girl because that's what we are already familiar with. I'll be totally honest here - I am slightly terrified at the thought of having a boy. "Oh, but they are so much easier" they will all say... But I have zero brothers, zero boy cousins... NO experience with little boys whatsoever. I am pretty put off by the thought of tiny weiners, all of those baby erections and all that junk flying around all the time. That all sounds extremely disturbing to me. I'm sure once he is here all of that will be no big deal... but until then I will stress out all I want! Heidi has also been an extremely easy baby and although she is quite the maniac, she does not have the destructive, rambunctious, out of control wild tendencies that little boys have. How am I going to handle being a boy mom?? I have absolutely loved being a girl mom more than anything!!

I knew that we would have a son at some point in our lives, I just wasn't sure when that would be... and this does seem sooner than expected (or at least sooner than I expected). I am not sad at the fact of having a boy, but I am sad that Heidi will not have that closeness with her (potential) future sister(s) that I have with mine. I LOVE being so close in age with my sister and now I fear that Heidi will not know what that's like. I'm sure she will love her little brother and I hope that they are close friends for life. But brother/sister relationships are not the same as same gender sibling relationships. Sure there is less competition, less arguing over sharing barbies and (maybe) less dramatic fighting during those high school years... I just hope that when the time does come for Heidi to have a sister that they aren't so far apart in age where they can't share things. Share phases of life, similar life experiences, share friends, BE good friends...best friends...and not just siblings.

I did however grow up on a street FULL of boys. I grew up playing tackle football in the front yard, street hockey in the street and always being a sweaty little girl with no shoes on...I loved collecting bugs, lizards, frogs, etc...I'm not afraid of snakes, rodents or insects (unless it's a roach. Gross!) Guns, swords and other weapons, power rangers and the like were all a big part of my childhood. In elementary school Santa even brought me a set of toy cars with racetrack included.  As much as I love the girly things in life now, since probably the age of about 6, I was always extremely proud that I was not a girly girl. I think I was the son my father never had. So perhaps, Heidi having a bother will help her to develop into a girl who doesn't mind getting dirty. A little girl who is excited to go outside and collect all of the snails that she possibly can, who is not afraid to hold that boa constrictor on her shoulders or who enjoys playing boy video games. It makes me happy thinking about Heidi playing with her brother and all of his friends.

I am 150% certain that once he is here, everything will feel so perfect. Until then, it IS difficult thinking about what it will be like to change things up (gender-wise) completely! (No more cute little baby girl dresses, sparkly shoes or adorable headbands :( !!) As soon as he is here, all of those fears, anxieties and uncertainties will melt away and I can't wait to see how our family dynamic changes and grows into a family of 4.

2nd Trimester Baby #2 - Weeks 14, 15 and 16

So I have been super slacking on the pregnancy updates lately. Why is this? Well, on top of being super busy ALWAYS... this pregnancy has been... insanely uneventful. I thought my first pregnancy was as easy as it got... well somehow this one has been even easier and thus way less "exciting". As I have said before though...this is not something I am complaining about ;).

Major events: KHS homecoming; Beau's 2nd Birthday Party; Our 3rd Wedding Anniversary!

Size of baby: Lemon

Sleep: Bad. So tired...I just still can't believe that I'm already up 1-3 times per night to pee. Gah!!

Cravings: None

Aversions: None

Movement: Since I started feeling Heidi move right around 14 weeks, I have been trying to pay EXTRA attention this last week to see if I can feel baby moving...There have been a few moments prior where I thought MAYBE... but those moments usually aren't validated until you get that first real JAB. And that came on the night of our 3 year anniversary! So exciting! We were just sitting on the couch and I felt a tiny "flick" from the inside and I was positive that at that time it was baby. 

Belly button in or out? In!

Weight gain: 5ish lbs. 

Missing: Sleep. And white wine sometimes. Also, cold deli meat sandwiches! Listeria is commonly found in deli meat (among other things) and pregnant ladies aren't supposed to consume deli meat unless it is heated to "steaming"... most normal healthy people can fight listeria off no problem (and maybe not even know it) but during pregnancy, the immune system is somewhat compromised and listeria can be deadly to the fetus. Sometimes I just risk it and give in to the temptation, but when I actually sit and think about what the potential risk is... it's just not worth it.

Hardest part of this week: At my 12 week appointment, my doctor told me that I am a carrier for Cystic Fibrosis. (For some reason, this was not something that we tested for during my first pregnancy.) I have been so overwhelmed, stressed out and consumed by this news. Ryan went in to get some bloodwork done so that we can determine whether he is also a carrier. (1 out of every 25 caucasians is a carrier for CF. If BOTH parents are carriers than each pregnancy has a 1 in 4 chance of resulting in a child who HAS CF.) It was so scary to hear my doctor say words like "genetic counseling" and "amniocentesis"... I just wasn't expecting any surprises (at least of this sort) after already having one baby. I told myself I wouldn't do any research, or google searches or anything like that until we knew the results of Ryan's tests and what our chances of having a child with this disease were. We turned to our church small group and asked for prayer and I also asked the ladies in my bible study and friends in our church play group to pray for us. This kind of leads me to the best part of my week...

Best part of this week: After our "people" started praying for us, I felt this wave of relief come over me. It truly was a weight lifted off of my shoulders and I no longer felt like I was trapped in this swarm of "what if" stress. I started sleeping again (well, as well as I could anyway!) and no longer was just laying in bed at night thinking about all of the possibile outcomes, how this would affect our future family planning, etc. I have NEVER felt prayer in this particular way before. God gave me this strength and faith that I didn't know I had and I trusted Him fully with the situation. That feeling of submission, release and TRUE PEACE was like nothing I had experienced directly and so immediately before. Anyway, we finally found out this week that Ryan is NOT a carrier for Cystic Fibrosis - this was an incredible incredible relief. I am SO grateful to all who were praying for us and that God heard our prayers! I am not usually one to ask for prayer, or volunteer some random struggle or issue that I am dealing with during "prayer request" times, but I do think that God was using this experience to teach me the importance of prayer - not only praying ourselves, but having others pray FOR us. 

Looking forward to: Finding out the gender! (Although, I do feel less impatient about it this go-round. I'm pumped, but I'm not feeling desperately anxious.) 

Emotions: Luckily, I feel like the negative emotions (aka extreme moodiness/anger/frustration) have subsided. I feel much more like my normal self, although I do remember being much more weepy in my second trimester with Heidi... so I am bracing myself for that!

Major events: Birth Without Fear Conference!

Size of baby: Apple

Sleep: Still not great... but I am noticing a slight increase in energy. It was difficult for me during the first trimester to determine whether I was just tired from being a person/mom or if it was actually the pregnancy that was contributing most to that... I can now say definitely that MOST of that had to do with being pregnant - which is good news! Glad to feel less exhausted now...

Cravings: None

Aversions: None! 

Movement: Meh... a few little pops here and there, but at this point I pretty much have to be sitting/laying very still in a quiet room in order for there to be a chance to feel anything... and even then it's no guarantee! It's strange going through this now after having already gone through it once. I forget that things aren't immediately like they are in the end, if that makes sense. My memories of being pregnant are mostly of what it is like to be pregnant in the end - so super roly poly, baby constantly moving and squirming and taking up 90% of your torso, not being able to bend in the middle... all of that. I forget that pretty much the first half of pregnancy isn't really THAT different than not being pregnant (at least for my 2 pregnancies so far)!

Belly button in or out? In!

Weight gain: 5 lbs.

Missing: Not much...

Best part of this week: Getting to spend a whole day talking and learning about pregnancy, birth, babies, motherhood and how to support each other at the BWF conference meet up! And also getting to spend time with sweet friends - coffee dates and going to the Woodlands Children's Museum!

Hardest part of this week: Nothing specific

Looking forward to: SUPER looking forward to our gender ultrasound day - not only because we will find out the gender but because Ryan is staying home from work and we are planning a really nice day together! We get to drop Heidi off at MDO together, go to brunch, go to our Dr. appt., pick Heidi up together... etc! I'm really excited to spend the day together!

Emotions: Excitement!

Major events: Gender ultrasound; Baylor football game vs. WVU

Size of baby: Avocado

Sleep: Meh. 

Cravings: None

Aversions: Fish (specifically Salmon, but also shrimp... since that's what we usually eat when we are eating seafood)... mostly just the smell at this point... Anything that smells kind of fishy is magnified times 1,000... and to me it just smells like dirty rotting fish that has been sitting in a plastic bag in the sun for 3 weeks. It's too strong yuck! But I will still eat it after it's cooked...

Movement: Yes! Not regularly yet but... definitely some movement...

Belly button in or out? In woo woo!

Weight gain: 5-7 lbs.

Missing: Nothing I suppose...

Best part of this week: Gender ultrasound - Woo Woo! (Click HERE for the results!!!!) and getting to spend some time meeting other "young couples" at a dinner hosted by the pastor of a church we have been attending!

Hardest part of this week: This was a great week!

Looking forward to: Naming our baby! Ryan is a classic over thinker so he refuses to commit until a zillion hours of consideration have been put into this... I guess we still have a few months to decide... but I want baby to have a name NOW!

Emotions: Feeling happy! Pregnancy is totally my jam and I am so excited to do it again!

1st Trimester Recap - Wells

My first trimester was uneventful. I mean extremely uneventful. It was... quite boring really. Even if I tried, I don't think I have enough "material" to fill each week with, which I suppose is actually a very good thing. Although, a small part of me does wish that there were exciting weekly changes, riveting updates and happenings. But honestly, just a few small changes and symptoms to note. So rather than do my normal thing with writing about each week separately, for the first trimester I will just document those few little changes I have been going through over the past 10ish weeks or so.

So here's a few things that I have noticed...

- I forgot how SOON the whole "having to pee every hour" thing starts! Literally DAY 1 of being pregnant, I was already getting up at least once per night, usually more. (Blood begins to flow much faster through your kidneys. This is also due to the increase in blood volume - your body goes into overdrive immediately to begin filtering all of the extra blood. Pregnant women have about 50% more blood than they did prior to becoming pregnant!) Baby also is surprisingly WAY low at this point - We actually had a hard time finding baby's heartbeat at my 12 week appt. because he/she was practically inside of my bladder. Maybe, if I'm lucky, I will get a little bit of relief as baby grows up and out of my pelvis... although I will never be ungrateful for low low babies!

- No nausea, morning sickness, cravings or aversions. I have had moments of feeling yucky, but nothing major. (Feelings of general crappiness, but not really able to put my finger on any sort of specific source. Just moments of feeling gross.) I do HATE the smell of fish and can hardly stand it when we are preparing even simple things like salmon. *GAG*

- I have noticed that with this pregnancy, I have been much more moody early on than before (or at least, if I was this moody with my first pregnancy I was unaware of it ;)...sorry Ryan!) Luckily I think (??) this seems to have somewhat balanced out...maybe...hopefully. 

- Vivid dreams. MAN those hormones make my dreams INSANE. This also makes it difficult to feel well rested when I wake up because often I am so stressed out in my sleep!

- I have been very tired. Quite exhausted. However, at this point it is hard for me to really know how much being pregnant is contributing to this and how much it is just being a person. I mean, isn't everyone tired all the time?

- Stomach cramps - this time my growing and stretching uterus hurts. You would think after doing this already the thing would just know what to do no problem, but I can definitely feel the pain and discomfort of it growing and stretching. Subsequently, the pressure from my uterus has also cause a LOT of intestinal discomfort. Almost on a daily basis, I get intense intestinal cramps - it always feels like I have major indigestion and am about to be sick. Fortunately, this is not ACTUALLY the case... but it sure sucks.

- Right around the 12 week mark, I noticed that increase in mucus production as I started to feel my nasal passage swell at night time, making it much harder to breathe when I sleep or am lying down. 

- The "fun" pregnancy hormones have also made their comeback sometime during the 3rd month of pregnancy so yes, I now have the sex drive of a 12 year old boy again. Party time.

- Also, those suuuper sore, painful tender growing breasts that happened during my first pregnancy are not there (making my runs much more comfortable hah!) They have definitely already increased drastically in size and occasionally I will notice the tiniest amount of soreness, but for the most part I have had no discomfort in that area. 

- It's also very strange to realize (again) how LONG it takes to start showing! With minimal nausea and other pregnancy symptoms, I really have hardly felt pregnant at all. I am still maintaining a normal activity level (running/training for a half marathon, yoga, etc.) diet, etc. I feel almost completely myself 90% of the time. 

- With regards to activity level/running... Now that I have been through this once before, I feel so much more confident during my runs. I know that I am/would be able to differentiate between normal aches/cramps/discomfort and if something were to feel wrong or that I needed to stop. For me, this means continuing to push myself. I am comfortable still focusing on speed, setting pace goals, etc. With my first pregnancy, I just went as fast or slow as I wanted and just focused on completing my runs. I must say... I feel amazing. My training for this half is going just as well (better actually) than most of my past non-pregnant half marathons. I am excited to see how these next few months go! (More on this later!) Yoga has been so nice also because I don't have to worry about modifications or not being able to bend in the middle yet...it's only a matter of time though so I'm trying to enjoy a squishy mid-section as much as I can right now!

So that's that! Nothing crazy. Grateful that I have been able to enjoy this time and take advantage of our limited time as a family of 3. It's already going by so fast! Slow down time!!

First glance of Baby K #2 at 9 weeks.

13 week pic of baby.

THE Pregnancy Test - Baby #2!

WARNING: I've said this before and I will say it again...I'm not a beat-around-the-bush kind of person. I'm not afraid to over share and I'm not into sugar coating. There will talk below of periods and bodies and birth control and the like so if those words alone make you uncomfortable now is the time to close this window and go back to watching YouTube videos of baby farm animals.  ALSO, if you are one of those people who gets weirded out by seeing used pregnancy tests -  that's here too (YES I did pee on it!)  Plus, like I have also mentioned previously, I learned so much from women who were willing to be open about their stories that I want do the same for anyone else out there who may be curious. 

Okay SO...For those curious about the personal details regarding HOW we found out as well as our experience with the whole "trying" thing... here are the nitty gritty deets.

Once Heidi turned one, (aka we had managed to make it a full year without another surprise - woo woo!) we knew we wanted to start trying for baby number 2. This has always been my desire, I think mostly because my sister and I are 21 months apart. Growing up that close together was not always easy, but now that we are adults I LOVE how close we are in age! I definitely want Heidi to have that same experience of having a sibling close to her. Shortly after we returned from our cruise vacation, my ovulation monitor suddenly jumped from low fertility to ovulating. (Remember, by practicing Natural Family Planning [the Marquette Model] I use an ovulation monitor each month to help me track my cycles to know when sex is okay/not okay/maybe take other precautions if said activities are desired.) Since weaning Heidi, my cycles have been slightly less regular.. not totally unpredictable but still slightly longer and random ovulation days (not on the usual day of my cycle.) I was quite surprised when suddenly on the 4th of July (day 11 of my cycle - which is very early for me to ovulate) I saw that little symbol on the monitor that meant peak fertility/ovulation! And so the waiting began...

Since we were "trying" this time around, I started taking tests 14 days after I know I had ovulated. (This was what I had estimated it took with Heidi to get a positive test.) Negative. I began taking tests like they were candy. (It's truly an addiction - and an expensive one at that!) I took WAY too many. Finally, I was convinced that it hadn't worked and just gave up. I started to experience a certain disappointment that I had never experienced before. Trying is truly a bizarre thing. Trying, then waiting, then testing, then waiting more, then more testing... I cannot even begin to fathom what couples go through emotionally, physically, spiritually when that process lasts months, years... I was so surprised (and sad) that it didn't "work" the first time around (or so I thought). With Heidi, I literally woke up one day and was pregnant. Since we weren't "trying" we had never had to deal with that excruciating process of trying and waiting and testing and being disappointed, etc... It is so stressful.

As a last ditch effort, I did a little more digging online and found some sort of calculator online where you put in your last several cycles/dates/length and when you ovulated/conceived and then it tells you when to test. After plugging in all of my information, it told me it was still too early to get a positive test and to wait a little longer. "That's weird," I thought. I was CERTAIN that if I wasn't getting a positive test by 16 days past ovulation/conception that it would never turn positive. I was most certainly wrong! A few days later, I started testing again. This time, I was able to see where the line SHOULD be... before I couldn't even see a faint shadow. But it still looked like my eyes COULD be playing tricks on me. I showed Ryan, who was not convinced. "I'm going to need more of a line than that." Haha. I think he just wanted to be more certain before getting his hopes up :). I waited another day or two, then bought MORE pregnancy tests... including a digital one this time.  FINALLY. A convincing line. And the words spelled out: "pregnant". I took a picture of those 2 tests and sent them to Ryan while he was at work. "Todays results are....!" He was pumped (and may or may not have teared up at work hehe). 

An obnoxious number of pregnancy test. Also, this is like an entire paycheck's worth of tests (most of which are negative). Pregnancy tests and stupid expensive. WTF?!

Finally! Sent this picture to Ryan followed by a necessary "BOOM!"

I got some congratulations flowers from Ryan on the day he was finally convinced ;).

We are SO excited to welcome this second addition to our family. Pregnancy is totally my jam and bringing babies into the world is something that I truly love to do. I am so excited and SO grateful that God is allowing me to experience it all again. We look forward to sharing our journey with you for a second time!

Baby #2 On The Way!

I've been neglecting the blog lately. Summer was crazy and it just seemed that I never had enough free time to justify the hours I spend writing. We are now finally settling into our fall routine, Heidi has started MDO (insert tears-streaming-down-face emoji) and I now have a few short hours all to myself each week (although, they are already filling up so fast!) In late July, things also got crazier because... I'm pregnant!! Yes, it's true! We're doing it again. I LOVE being pregnant and bringing babies into this world I am so excited to go through it all again. I have been super exhausted so most of my freetime up until now (which was basically never anyway) was spent resting. So let's answer some of those basic questions!

(*Note: This post was written the day we officially announced our pregnancy on social media when I was 7 weeks pregnant, August 18, 2015.)

Due Date: March 30, 2016

How many weeks along am I now: 7 weeks (aka almost 2 months, aka 1st trimester)

How big is Baby Kresta: We have not been to the doctor, but he/she should be roughly the size of a blueberry, or .5 inches. So small!

Boy or Girl: It really could go either way at this point. I have no clue! Most people are on team boy...

Morning sickness: None! (Yet...)

Exhaustion: SO tired. I have forgotten how the sleep deprivation literally starts DAY 1 of your pregnancy. Tossing and turning all night, uncomfortable, waking up to pee all the time, ugh!

Belly:  Nothin!

Planned: This time, yes! As I have said before, by practicing Natural Family Planning (NFP), we are always saying YES to God and His plan for our family, BUT this time around we were able to avoid getting pregnant when we wanted to and conceive when we wanted to. Success! SO grateful to have found a natural method of "birth control" that actually works for our family. (Also, the whole "trying" process is weird...more on this later.) 

How did we find out: After many many home pregnancy tests, I finally got the faintest shadow of a line... several days (and yes even more pregnancy tests) later we were 100% certain! (More details on this soon.)

Why did we decide share the news now: It seems that lately we have been hearing about the subject of miscarriage a lot. The taboo that surrounds the topic, whether or not you should talk about it, tell people, when it's appropriate to announce your pregnancy after the "risky period", etc. (Even Mark Zuckerberg has recently discussed the miscarriages that he and his wife endured.) Should a miscarriage occur, it's not something that I want to keep a secret. I don't want to feel like it's something that I can't talk about, or share (with a lot of people). As difficult as that might be. By announcing early, we would be forcing a miscarriage (should one occur) to be a topic of discussion. Also, if that happens we trust that my body has recognized that something wasn't right. Openness, honesty and transparency are my priority, even when that means that it isn't easy. 

How far apart will Heidi and baby #2 be: 22 months

Weaning

After breastfeeding for a full year, weaning can seem like quite a daunting and overwhelming task. Not only does it take work on mom and dad's part, but it also depends on how baby takes it as well! I wanted to share my experience with weaning, because until Heidi WAS totally weaned I had no idea how it was going to go! Around 6 months, Heidi started showing interest in what Ryan and I were eating. After getting approval from our doctor, we started letting her taste things off of our plates. (We were not making anything separate for her at that point.) Following her 9 month doctor appointment, we started mashing up bananas, steaming sweet potatoes and making other mushy things for her. By the time Heidi was 10 months old, we were giving her 3 “meals” per day, although at that point I was not concerned with quantities or calories or any of that stuff, we were just letting her try things. (Maybe a few bites of mashed up liquified banana with breakfast, or some mushed up squash [which she hated] at dinner, etc.) Plus at that time she was still nursing 4 times per day as well! Around 11 months, the “meals” turned into more of actual meals and less like just snacks. (So maybe, some very small steamed chunks of sweet potato with some cheerios and cut up mandarin orange slices, for example.) About this same time (11 months), I started the process of cutting out nursing sessions. Initially, I tried to cut the afternoon feeding out first, however that made for a VERY difficult evening/dinner time. By the time Ryan got home from work she was a mess. It was rough! So after just a few days of that, I decided to cut the lunch time feeding instead. It was much easier to cut this feeding because it was replaced with a "meal". (So I was still nursing in the morning before breakfast, once in the late afternoon and then night time right before bed, but hadn’t introduced cow’s milk yet.) After a few days (or maybe a week or two?) of that schedule, I started replacing those 3 remaining nursing sessions with bottles.  
At first, Heidi refused to drink cow’s milk (especially cold), so I started off by giving her a bottle that was 75% breastmilk and 25% whole milk, warmed. (We did 6-8oz, 3 times per day as recommended by our pedi... one right when she woke up before breakfast, one right after lunch before nap and the last one after bath time right before bed.) Over the course of just a few days, I gradually mixed in less and less breast milk and also warmed it less and less. After less than a week she went from drinking mostly breastmilk (warm) to drinking 100% cold cow’s milk! Since we had only half-way transitioned to a sippy cup at that point, I just stuck with the bottle since that’s what we were familiar with and I was already overwhelmed with so many changes. (I was not concerned at that point with eliminating the bottle because I wanted her to chug 8 oz. of milk at one time - something that doesn't seem to happen with a sippy cup or straw.) We were using sippy cups for water during meals by that point though.  
During the week or two where I started replacing nursing sessions with the bottle… I don’t think I went into it with a specific schedule or plan. I just would nurse every now and then or if I woke up feeling especially engorged or something like that. By the time we were about a week out from her first birthday, my boobs had adjusted to nursing once every couple of days. I nursed her for the last time on the morning of her birthday! That was my finish line. Once I crossed that, I had to hand express while I was in the shower…maybe twice?...because I was starting to get a little uncomfortable. I had considered buying some raw cabbage leaves which are supposed to really help decrease your supply (you just put the cold leaves in your bra!) however, hand expressing seemed to do the trick. (It was a different kind of “engorged” feeling really… it was more like smaller hard painful spots rather than that feeling where your whole entire boob feels like it’s just about to explode! I think just that short amount of time was enough for my boobs to get the idea of what was going on.) I also regularly applied peppermint oil (diluted with almond oil) to help with stopping milk production.
So for us, weaning was a process that started very slowly around 6-9 months, and then between 11-12 months it all happened very quickly (and easily)! Since then, we have learned so much more about what works for us, what Heidi likes and how much she eats. She LOVES fruit but for a while we struggled with getting her to show interest in vegetables. Our pedi recommended veggie noodles - pasta that has 1 full serving of veggies in every serving! Heidi LOVES those and they have definitely a go-to for us for the last 4 months. We also tried Puffs for a while until Heidi had mastered picking stuff up and had gotten used to having food in her mouth (they disintegrate really fast so choking isn’t too much of an issue). However, puffs are expensive and are basically just air (you literally have to eat like, 65 puffs to get 25 calories!) So, we switched over to cheerios pretty quickly – way cheaper for WAY more and actually add SOME sustenance to her tummy! She loves those things. Our other focus was not to place TOO much emphasis on Heidi eating and not to stress out about it. Some days she eats a ton...and some days she doesn't eat that much. That's okay. Just like you and me, some days she is hungrier than other days. One day she LOVES something, the next day she hates it. So we have tried not to freak out over the small stuff. All has worked out just as it should. Hope this has been helpful to anyone confused/stressed/overwhelmed with the weaning process!!

Breastfeeding Thoughts - Part 2

SO. Guys. I did it. I breastfed my baby for a FULL year. I never thought I would get there (especially in those first few months after Heidi was born). But I was determined. So the morning of Heidi's 1st birthday, I breastfed her for the last time. It was truly bittersweet. I was torn! I would miss it and my time with her and providing for her in a way that no one and no other thing possibly could. BUT. I was also so pumped for my body to be mine 100% again. No more boobie pads. No more easy-access shirts/outfits. Now that I have a year of breastfeeding under my belt, I figured it was about time to write a follow up post to my original breastfeeding post I wrote back when I was 21 weeks pregnant with Heidi.  At that time, I was super apprehensive about breastfeeding, it sounded terrible and foreign and strange... and my only experiences with it before having a child of my own was other peoples' babies turning their heads and trying to latch because I was holding them in "the" position - SO AWKWARD.  So I just felt awkward about the whole thing in general and was not looking forward to the physical "side effects".

Warning: If you are a brand new mom I suggest that you stop reading this now because it will make you want to scream, cry, freak out and roll on the ground and throw a toddler-style tantrum. Why you ask? (Yes, I know you will continue reading because I know you, new mom.) Breastfeeding sucks. Yeah, it sucks hardcore. It sucks for a LONG time before it gets easier. A long time meaning months. Months doesn't sound like that long of a time... except when you're talking about pure torture every 2.5 - 3 hours, with something pulling, sucking, gnawing on your poor, tender, cracked, bleeding, painful nipples. UGH. Maybe if it were once a day it would be more bearable. But it's not. If someone had told me 1 month into it "Just hang on for a few more months, then it will get easier!" I would have smacked them. Sorry new mamas.

And here's the thing. Breastfeeding wasn't even that difficult for me. Heidi had no latching issues, her "lip tie" (which I'm still not totally convinced is a real thing, but if it is I'm certain she has that based on appearance) didn't affect us in any way, and my only issues with supply was that I was producing WAY too much (which was such a blessing AND a curse.) My only struggles with breastfeeding were no one's but my own. Heidi knew what to do and was doing it perfectly. Breastfeeding was painful - because it's SUPPOSED to be. It's GOING to be. Regardless of how perfect everything is. Because it's new and no matter what kind of stuff you're into, I guarantee you that you have never experienced something sucking your nipples dry THAT many hours per day. My issues with breastfeeding (after Heidi was born) was just that it hurt. And my boobs hurt. And I was leaking ALL over the place constantly.  SOAKING maxi pads. I was constantly a wet, sticky, smelly, disgusting mess. Waking up in PUDDLES. Bra, shirt, sheets, soaked. There are SO many different kinds of issues and difficulties that come with breastfeeding, it can be hard to find women who have never had one single issue or difficulty or struggle with it at all. I would say most women that I know have had some sort of problem at one time or another with breastfeeding. Which, when you're already at your wit's end, can be enough to push you over the edge and give up all together. 

I am convinced that the only way that you can make breastfeeding work is if you are 110% determined. Much like a natural birth - if you go into it like "oh, let's see how this goes we will decide in the moment how to move forward" GUARANTEED you will not have a natural birth. Because it's hard. WAY harder than a non natural birth. (Not saying non-natural is not also extremely difficult, though I don't have any personal experience with this myself.) But it's too easy to give in if you aren't determined. (Even if you are determined you will still have moments where you want to give in to the drugs to take away the pain!) Similarly, breastfeeding also takes total determination and a decision that you have to make and stick to. You must give yourself no choice but to move forward with it no matter what. Quitting is not an option. Sounds kind of terrible doesn't it? It can be. But I promise it's worth it. For months, I had major breakdowns and would get physically ANGRY, saying to myself  "There are women who CHOOSE to do this for YEARS!!! HOW?!?! What is wrong with them!? This is the worst thing ever!" As much as I HATED it for the first several months, I knew that was the only thing I truly wanted. No other options. This was it. So I started setting small goals for myself. "Just make it to 6 weeks." "Okay a few more weeks." "Okay, just make it to 3 months....6 months..." I would say that I had FINALLY found my groove BY 6 months at the latest, and it was then that I knew for sure I was going to make it to a year. By 6 months, I was starting to feel way more comfortable with the idea, was used to the routine and all of the other aspects that came with it. I wouldn't say I ever super duper LOVED it, but I enjoyed our times together. Nursing in the backseat of the car after shopping together, or hanging out in the Nordstroms bathroom/lounge area with 5 other breastfeeding moms... it was also the perfect built in alone time for those times when my baby was constantly being held by friends/family... The perfect excuse to get her back and hold her and spend time with her. The convenience of it is insane (no packing anything related to food/bottles/etc. just bring your boobs!) and IT IS FREE. We never spent a dime on food/formula for Heidi during her first year of life. How awesome is that?? I can't believe more people don't breastfeed for this reason alone!

So my personal plan was to go into breastfeeding as a new mom with minimal knowledge about it, and to not over prepare. I never took a breastfeeding class. I didn't spend hours researching methods, positions, issues, etc. online. I didn't meet in advance with a lactation consultant. I simply spent 10-15 minutes watching youtube videos of a few different breastfeeding positions, googled "Breastfeeding 101" and read a few articles about the basics and that was it. Heidi popped out and knew what to do (although, over time she did improve and became more and more efficient!) I really felt like SHE taught ME! My minimal preparation method worked perfectly for us and though, we still had our own share of difficulty I never allowed myself to get overly stressed, or over think it... before OR after she was here! During pregnancy, I also thought I would spend 3 months pumping, and only breastfeed until Heidi was 3 months, then give her the frozen milk from 3-6 months. As nice as it was to have some breastmilk stashed in the freezer for backup (or for date nights away from baby!) I did not have enough stashed to stop breastfeeding without having to switch over to formula. Pumping is weird and not the worst thing in the world, but it is much more inconvenient than just pulling your shirt down for baby. It takes additional time. Time that is often hard to find with a newborn (especially when you don't HAVE to pump). I was pumping at least twice a day, but it does get old (and many women pump MUCH more than that! Mad props to you!) By 3 months, I knew I could make it to 6 months, and by 6 months I knew I could make it to a full year. So that plan quickly went out the window and I was totally okay with consciously making that decision.

This post is mostly just rambling, stream of consciousness, but I hope by witnessing this journey your eyes are opened to the difficulty, hardships, beauty and (dare I say) wonderfulness that it breastfeeding.  If you are on the fence about it... THAT'S OKAY.  If you're determined... just power through. It WILL get easier. Power through. Power through the tears. Through the discomfort. Through the pain. And if you truly truly just can't handle it, that's okay too. But if it's something that you truly TRULY have the desire to do, you have to hang in there. I know it's easy for me to say that now that I am on the other side, but I have been there. And I can guarantee you that IT. IS. WORTH IT. 100,000%.  Many many days it will feel like you just can't do it. But you can. I know you can, mama. Just hang in there a little bit longer. A few more days. (DAYS?!?! I know you're thinking.) Weeks. (WEEKS?!?!) Yes. One day at a time is all it takes. You can do it.