I've always heard/read things that talk about women losing their identities when they become mothers. I feel like for the first time in my motherhood journey I'm experiencing this "identity crisis" I've heard so much about. (It also doesn't help that our family has been in SUCH an extreme transitional phase for quite some time now and I'm not sure when that will end.) It's just crazy that it took THREE babies for me to feel this way.
I don't really feel like this "losing my identity" was something that I faced after the births of my first and second. My transition into becoming a mother and figuring out "who I was" was relatively easy overall. I hadn't worked since very early in my first pregnancy so I think that helped a lot too, as I was already used to being at home most of the time. Of course there were SOME things that were hard and I did have to re-learn how to be a person and do normal day-to-day things like go to the grocery store, but overall my IDENTITY was not that different I just added the title of "mom" to the pot. Then along came Wells. Roughly 5 days after he was born I felt like I had always had 2 children. Life marched on. Our routines didn't really change that much. Everything happening in my life was essentially unchanged so there was hardly any adjustment period at all, going from 1 to 2 kids. I was still me. (Not to mention, my supernatural birth experience with Wells only strengthened an already deep and fierce connection I felt with pregnancy, birth and motherhood. In many ways, I felt even MORE "me" than before I gave birth to Wells.)
But finding out you're pregnant when your (second) baby is still very much a baby...whew! In MOST ways I really feel like I went from having 1 child to very suddenly having 3. By the time Wells wasn't actually a tiny baby anymore I already had another one. (18 months still mostly qualifies as "baby" in my book!) I had barely adjusted to having two toddlers/kids by the time the third showed up. And really, if we're being honest going from 0 to 1 to 2 to 3 kids in less than 3.5 years... that's kind of already a lot! It's hard for me to put into words just how much more change has occurred, and just how little I have in my life to define "who I am" right now. I essentially went from having 1 baby with a solid group of mom friends that I was deeply connected to, a church community, a bible study I was apart of specifically for mothers of littles, lots of friends, a social life and still having time to focus on myself... to suddenly having 3 babies and none of the things I just listed. We currently have no physical community, no church, no Bible studies, no other activities or things that we are involved in... that's insane. Who the heck am I??
Additionally, SO much of my identity and who I AM is wrapped up in pregnancy and birth and postpartum and breastfeeding. There's a big part of me that wants to run back to all of those things right now because that's literally all I know (see first paragraph). I feel MOST myself when I'm pregnant. (Is that crazy? Perhaps it is but not to me.) I want to feel like ME again, but I also know that this time of figuring out who I am is so needed (not to mention giving my body a chance to chill out for a bit is also necessary). I don't really feel like a "me" exists outside of pregnancy/birth/breastfeeding/postpartum. I need to be none of those things for a while (or at least longer than just a few weeks/months anyway...) so I can figure out who "me" is away from that. Or perhaps "in addition to", because those parts of my life will always be apart of me.
Now that my baby is 1 year old (and the postpartum depression fog has lifted) I'm left to try to figure out what the heck I'm doing here. There is a BIG "pause button" that's been pressed on what feels like everything in our lives right now. My whole life is one big pause. We're waiting on a new house, a new community, a new church... all of these things can't/probably won't happen for at least another 6 months. I feel stuck. My identity as a Christian has also been a struggle lately, as I question so much of my faith and God through this season. The only thing I really know at this point is that I know I'm supposed to be a mom and I know I'm supposed to be here at home raising my babies. Both of these are extremely big-picture thoughts and not quite so helpful during the day-to-day chaos, making it easy to lose sight even of those roles.
After taking a while off from therapy, I've started back with regular sessions to get some help with figuring out who I am/who I am supposed to be (and also to start laying the groundwork for preparing for another baby however near or far off in the future that might be). I am also focusing a LOT on taking care of myself and figuring out what self-care REALLY looks like. During the month of November, I'm making it my goal to practice self-care every day. Sometimes it's as simple as 20 minutes of meditation or a 30 minute bath alone and other days its going to a yoga class of spending the evening alone at Starbucks. Of the many benefits of self-care, I hope that by spending some time doing this for myself I can start to feel more of a sense of self.
Since I am by nature a Type-A "do-er", there is a huge part of me that is hoping I can just read a book or join a group or club or something and just magically feel like I am myself again. But I know a lot of this is just about allowing this process to play out by giving it a lot of time and even more patience. Easier said than done.
Thank you for sharing this space with me :).
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