Finding out about Baby #5

"The God who calls you is also the One who will enable you to do His will" 

- Henry Blackaby on 1 Thess. 5:24

***PLEASE READ THIS PARAGRAPH ENTIRELY BEFORE SCROLLING: We are officially on our way to becoming a family of SEVEN! So nuts. Rather than start with my usual "basic details" post, I decided to just jump straight into sharing in depth about HOW this happened, our initial reactions/emotions as well as how God is working through this situation. (If you do not wish to know details about our sex life do NOT read this!!!) But on a more important note: It is NEVER my intention to cause anyone any sadness, grief or negative feelings. I feel that it is important that I mention right off the bat that if you are struggling with infertility or are currently suffering from trauma or PTSD from a previous infertility or pregnancy loss experience and are feeling especially vulnerable right now, this may not be the right time for you to read this post. While I would never EVER be ungrateful for a baby, there were a lot negative feelings and tears as I struggled to wrap my mind around this very unexpected pregnancy - and I talk about that here, because it is SO important to me to be completely honest in this space.  If you feel that reading more details about this could be triggering for you, please come back and read this another time down the road if/when the time feels right. What I do know, is that God doesn't make mistakes. There is not a single pregnancy or baby that comes to be (ever!) that is NOT created by Him. I know that He works for our good and for all of those that DO read this post, I want to encourage you to read this post in its entirety. Because He is so so good and I want to give Him all the glory for leading us to and through bringing another life into the world. This whole story is just so...bizarre to me and I know in my heart that the only explanation for ALL of this is God. We can do everything "right" but as humans, there is nothing that we can do the stand in the way of His will and plans. 

Okay let's jump in!

The weekend before Thanksgiving, I had been in Austin visiting a friend and running a "virtual" 10K together. While driving home, I saw the DEEPEST most intensely colored rainbow I have ever seen in my life. It actually startled me when I saw it and it physically took my breath away. The pictures I took really don't do it justice. I got super emotional over how beautiful it was! This was a bit odd for me but I really didn't think much of it. 

 

When I got home that Sunday night, it was late and I was tired. I came across the cutest little book Heidi had made for/about one of her friends. It was SO sweet and also made me tear up! Throughout our entire marriage, I've always taken pregnancy tests frequently, just to rule it out. It's just something that I do routinely - like shaving my legs or painting my nails or something. Sometimes I think "okay MAYBE there's a tiny chance bc I feel off, even though it's probably in my head or from something else" but this was NOT one of those times. I really didn't give it any thought but just said to myself "I'll take one before I shower, it's physically impossible that it's positive but just a routine check since I keep tearing up but I know I'm just tired" basically. I actually don't even think I gave it THAT much thought. Again, not abnormal, though looking back now it does seem odd that I even decided to test then since I really wasn't having any pregnancy symptoms, or had missed a period or anything like that (my period wasn't due for another 10 days!!) 

ANYWAY, I turned the shower on, grabbed a cheapy test and went into the bathroom. I placed the test on the floor, looked down and immediately saw a second line. I picked it up and must have blinked a thousand times. HOW?? This couldn't be right. There's just NO way. There is NO possible way. This is not happening. I thought something must be wrong with the test or I was imagining things or SOMETHING. I opened the door and yelled for Ryan. (This was definitely not one of those times to sit on the positive test and wait and tell your husband in a cutesy way.) I was experiencing full blown panic and could NOT deal alone. "BABE. COME. HERE. I NEED YOU TO COME HERE." He came in..."I need you to look at this"!!! Full on panic mode. I've probably taken tens if not hundreds of pregnancy tests over the course of our marriage, and it is IMMEDIATELY obvious to me when something is different (not that it takes a rocket scientist to read a pregnancy test anyway) but even the faintest line is a BIG glaring unmistakable flashing light sign. And this was no faint line.

I couldn't feel my legs. My feet were numb. My heart was racing. My mouth was wide open and my hands on my head. "HOW?!" I was standing in the bathroom butt naked while Ryan looked at the test. To sum up his response: "Oh it's fine, no worries!" (He's just so great, y'all.) Well, I think what he actually said was "This is good! It's going to be okay this is great!!" I said "WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU THIS IS NOT OKAY!!!!!" After a few minutes of standing, shocked, I lost almost all feeling in my feet and legs. I made my way over to the shower, and just stood there for about 20 minutes with my mouth still open and a hand on my head.  "HOW did this happen? WHEN did this happen??" I kept asking out loud. "HOW?!?! I don't understand! God, WHAT is happening?!" (You know that scene in Friends, where Rachel tells Ross she's pregnant? I WAS Ross y'all!!)

I know that if a cheapy is showing a line that my hCG is at least more than 24ish... I usually find out I'm pregnant when my hCG is 7 and First Response tests are barely picking it up! (My motto has always been "cheapies are great if you're already late!" They are not good at "early" detection.) It just didn't seem like a cheapy should be picking up my hCG if I wasn't even due for my period for another 9-10 days!! So although it was pretty obvious, I just didn't trust it and was also in utter shock and denial. I know that false positives aren't really a thing but I knew was going to need a LOT more confirmation regardless. While I showered, I had Ryan run to the store for some more legit tests. 

So here's where it gets personal... First of all, at the time of this positive pregnancy test, keep in mind that I'm breastfeeding my 10 month old baby. My cycles are 45 days long. Breastfeeding hormones bring my sex drive wayyyyyy down to where it's almost nonexistent. Plus add the stress of this year and Ryan being sick during a UC flare up...we just weren't having sex! Over the course of the 6 weeks prior to this pregnancy test, we had sex one time. ONE time. (Which, even when I'm breastfeeding that's abnormally low for us hah!) And we used the same prevention that we've always used - a diaphragm with spermicide. And we have put that thing to the TEST you guys. Soooo many times/months over the last 8 years we have had sex at and around when I KNOW I'm ovulating and that thing did it's job. But there was just SOMETHING about this time... I don't know what it was. Something happened. And all I can say is that it was God. What are the odds, honestly? 10 months postpartum, breastfeeding, wonky long cycles, sex once in 6 weeks, plus a diaphragm. And spermicide?!? (a method which has worked for us for almost our entire marriage and never ever failed). It is just so so insane to me. 

I have never been so shocked in my life. This was SO unexpected. There were a LOT of emotions for me to process and, I'll be honest, none of them were positive (at first). 

Of course there was a level of embarrassment. I mean, who has an "oops" baby with #5?? I always assumed if we ever had another "surprise" baby (and of course we would NEVER LOL) it would be because we were being irresponsible or having extreme amounts of sex. We were doing neither! And in all honesty, these days there is typically a small part of me that is almost afraid to have sex in that first year postpartum because I AM scared of getting pregnant "too soon" or before I feel ready (and I don't do synthetic hormones or IUDs in case you are wondering.) Knowing we are both so crazy fertile, I don't exactly fight those breastfeeding hormones that bring my sex drive down hah! It's embarrassing to think that people will assume that we are just plain stupid or don't understand how things work. Even though that's NOT the case, it's still embarrassing. And embarrassing that we did everything we were "supposed to do" and still couldn't stop this from happening. I don't know why but initially I felt some shame in that.

In addition to embarrassment, there is of course fear. Fear of judgement and of what other people will think. Fear of what people will say. Fear of the comments strangers, friends and/or family will make. Fear that people will see 5 kids and automatically assume we didn't want that many (not true). (Which, I know what other people think "doesn't matter" but it is still rude/hurtful sometimes. "Haven't figured out how that works yet, huh?" "Is your husband going to get fixed now??" "Wow really got your hands full!" "Y'all must not have cable!" People just think they are SO funny.) Then, there is of course the fear that I won't be able to do it... I haven't had enough time to really even begin to figure out 4 kids yet, if I'm being real. How will I be able to make 5 work?? I know what it's like to have 2 babies 18 months apart, I've done it before. The logistics of the age gap itself doesn't really scare me... but... what does scare me is 5 kids 7 years old and under. That is so intense! I didn't "choose" for that to happen and that's hard and scary. There is also the fear of what it will look like to put my body through another pregnancy when it hasn't recovered from the last one yet. Especially with the way 2020 went, this year has FLOWN by even faster than usual. It feels like I was JUST pregnant yesterday. I JUST did this. I KNOW it takes a year (or two or three!) for your body to recover from carrying and birthing another human - despite what the world and other women lead you to believe about this! I had the most perfect pregnancy, birth and postpartum experiences with Serena, how can I turn around and expect to have another amazingly positive experience with another baby so soon - with less time to prepare and less intention?? I fear I am just getting set up for a difficult and uphill pregnancy, birth and postpartum experiences physically and emotionally (much like the last time I got pregnant somewhat unexpectedly 9 months after giving birth). Life is also pretty isolating right now and while, I hope that changes soon I've done a pregnancy "alone" before and don't have a desire to do that again. There is fear in that, knowing what I've been through before.

There was of course also confusion, anger, disappointment, sadness, grief and plenty tears. I felt sorry for myself. I felt sorry for my body. I felt so sorry and guilty for my brand new baby who wasn't even a year yet...that my attention would be diverted away from her. After the news, I spent the first several days in bed crying. Ryan went to work (luckily only 2 days that week though thanks to my birthday and Thanksgiving) while I laid in bed and the kids managed to entertain themselves in the other room with toys and books and TV. I just couldn't function. 

I called my midwife and told her I really wasn't sure when this happened. I was pretty convinced at first that it DIDN'T happen in November because we used protection that ONE time. It just seemed so impossible and I was really holding out hope that our birth control method hadn't failed us (even though I knew that chances were slim that I was farther along and just hadn't noticed). I was hopeful that I was farther along than I was because I thought it would seem easier to wrap my mind around this if it had happened back in October, when we were having more sex and not being quite as careful. That would just make so much more SENSE to me. And I needed this to just make sense. (Plus, when you live in Houston a June due date seems like a much easier pill to swallow than an August one haha.)  Anyway, over the phone we decided I was most likely either 9 weeks or 4 weeks. She had me come into the birth center and we attempted an ultrasound but came up empty handed, which added to the confusion and fear a bit (for a couple of different reasons). My midwife also took a blood sample to run my hCG. The next morning she texted me. 126. My hCG was 126. When I got the text, it felt like a huge blow. I burst into tears. Sitting in the Starbucks drive through line I just cried my eyes out. I just didn't understand. This didn't make sense. How can I be 4 weeks pregnant? How can my body even be ready to do this again? How can God think I'm ready to do this again? Physically? And then to parent FIVE children?? 

hCG of 126.

The next day (my birthday) we went back to the birth center to run my hCG again. I sobbed into my midwife's arms. She validated my feelings, encouraged me and prayed over baby and me. A few days later (after Thanksgiving) the numbers came back at 331. More than double. So that made it all but certain that I was 4 weeks pregnant. Birth control failed. Due August 1 based on conception date.

It's been a HUGE roller coaster since that first week. I also had quite a bit of spotting which just added to the roller coaster. Honestly, it's a miracle I survived the emotional toll those first few weeks took on me! 

But listen. Here's where it gets good. I told God a long time ago that my physical body - my uterus specifically - was His to use for His glory. And it was a prayer that I meant. (It was actually back in 2016 that I remember praying that prayer with my whole heart - on a drive home from Austin, ironically.) Of course my human self responds to this current situation with "But...God I didn't mean like THIS. I didn't mean NOW...I meant on MY terms. I meant like, surrogacy or something. I didn't mean it like this!" But that's my humanness. And it's fear. (And I know He's pointing a finger and smiling, saying "But YOU said....!") But at the same - I know what I told God. I know what it meant when I prayed that to Him. I mean, I didn't really know what it meant but I knew/know the weight of that and of the unknown and the TRUST that comes along with those kinds of prayers. I also know what submission to His will means. I know what accepting His invitations to partake in the work He is doing means. It's not about what I think that should look like. It's about ULTIMATE submission. Letting go of ALL control - not just some. Fully trusting Him. 

Also, it's clear to me that the WAY this happened is very very significant. Had we just slipped up and "accidentally" gotten pregnant I wouldn't feel the weight of this the way I do right now. It's different, the way all of this happened. This is a BIG plan, and I know that it's an invitation from God to participate in His work - an invitation that He had been preparing me to accept a long time ago. 

There have been a few nods from Him, since I found out I was pregnant. I won't share one of the big ones here, but on one of the days I was laying in bed crying, I looked out my window and saw another rainbow. I knew this was a little nod from Him. That this is right. That He did this. And that He did this for a reason. And He has a plan for me, and for this baby and for our family. 

Knowing all of this often doesn't make my days feel any lighter or easier. I'm 12 weeks at the time of publishing this post, and I'm exhausted. Fatigued from surviving in a global pandemic for 10 months (and counting) at home alone all day every day with 4 kids (and counting). However, the nausea and food aversions have passed and I've spent the last few weeks craving alllll the salty things. This pregnancy still doesn't feel real, my days are long and lonely and hard and I'm bracing myself for the physical toll that pregnancy takes on the body and the emotions. It's not easy. I know that. It won't be easy. But I still choose to put my faith in Him. And in this plan. That it's HIS plan. All day every day no matter what. Amen. 

"As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts." Isaiah 55:9