Serena Violet

Introducing...

Serena Violet! She joined us earth side on January 10, 2020 at 11:56 p.m. Weighing in at a perfect 7 lbs. 11 oz. and 20.25" long. Born peacefully at home, in the middle of a storm and on the first full moon of the year. At 38 weeks and 5 days, she just couldn't wait a minute longer to come out and meet us! Welcome to our circus sweet girl!

Preparing for Birth

Preparing for birth - both physically and emotionally - looks different for every woman. When does one begin preparation for the birth experience? The start of the 3rd trimester? Week 39? The second there is a positive pregnancy test? Long before that? What does it even mean to “prepare” for birth? Is it simply packing a bag and trying not to think about it too much? Or is it taking a childbirth class, reading a book or writing out a detailed birth plan/wish list?

I want to share with you a little bit about just how I’ve been preparing for birth this time around - because it’s looked a lot different than the first 3 times.

For me, with baby number 1, I spent a lot of time listening to and reading birth stories. (I HIGHLY recommend The Birth Hour podcast to ANY AND ALL pregnant mamas. You can learn soooo much from just hearing other women's experiences!) We also took a childbirth class at the hospital and I stayed as active as I could, running up until 38 weeks pregnant. I gathered a few “distraction” items for labor, like a head massager and photo from our honeymoon to focus on. I assumed I was totally underestimating how painful my desired unmedicated birth would be and knew I would need some extra help coping, so we also hired a doula. 

Fast forward. I started planning for the birth of my 4th baby the second that I gave birth to my 3rd. I’ve been planning for the birth of THIS baby specifically for almost 2 and a half years. I know it sounds a little crazy, but after my last experience I knew that I wanted things to be different the next time, and that it would take thought, effort and time to make that happen. I’m a planner by nature, but even if you don’t consider yourself to be a planner, preparing for your birth experience (like anything else) can and will allow you to get the most out of your experience - regardless of HOW or where you plan to bring your baby earthside. And by “getting the most out of the experience” I mean coming out of it feeling empowered, confident and supported. (And unfortunately that doesn’t just happen automatically.) Why is this important? Why should it be? Because birth matters. The birth experience MATTERS. How women FEEL/FELT during birth matters. (And it can and will and does affect life after pregnancy/birth.) Because the experience of actually bringing another life into this world IS significant (no matter how or where). There’s no arguing that. 

So here are a few ways I’ve spent the last 2.5 years preparing!

1. Connecting with my body and my cycles - After my previous birth, I felt like I really missed out on that supernatural mind-body connection that we as women get to experience through pregnancy and birth. (This even carried over into my postpartum experience as my body and hormones were SO out of whack and I felt like I didn’t even know my body physiologically anymore.) Not long after the postpartum depression fog lifted, I started listening to fertility meditations, working on having a GRACIOUS attitude towards my periods/natural cycle, what my body is capable of naturally and really diving into self-care. Re-establishing that connection has been huge, both from a pregnancy/birth and non-birth standpoint. Vaginal steaming, fertility meditations and consistent alone time were some of the biggest things, but you can find an even longer list HERE!
2. More meditations (pregnancy/birth affirmations and meditations) - Once I actually WAS pregnant, I shifted gears and started listening to pregnancy/birth affirmations and meditations. I have loved incorporating these meditations into other “relaxation/me” times, (while taking a bath or sitting in Starbucks, laying in bed or sipping coffee while driving in the car by myself). My hope is that during labor, I can turn these on and still associate them with all of the quiet, peaceful, relaxing, self-care times that I have had while hearing these. It also just feels good to let those affirmations wash over me - speaking so positively over my pregnancy, my baby, my body and birth experience.
3. Reading Ina May’s Guide to Childbirth - I really haven’t read a ton of ACTUAL books on birth (despite having spent literally HUNDREDS of hours studying and learning about pregnancy and birth). But it felt SO good to read a book that really reaffirmed my thoughts and beliefs about birth, not to mention just absorbing all of the positive birth energy that this book pours out. Of course a book that speaks positively about what our bodies were literally DESIGNED to do has many benefits. But it really just felt like sitting down with a very close like-minded friend. One that says “Yes, I totally agree! Amen! Yes! You’re right! You’re not wrong for feeling that way! This is why you feel the way that you do.” Something like that anyway...
4. Establishing a solid birth team - This time it was important to me to know and be familiar with those who will be sharing my birth space with me. I have handpicked each one of these people who will come alongside me, guide and support me throughout my labor and birth (and pregnancy and postpartum). I have spent a lot of time with them and know and love and trust them. (And they know me as well.) They will be there to support me and hubby, and to help HIM help ME! (Side note: I had a doula present for my first and second births, but not for my third - all of which were hospital births. I will never ever give birth without a doula present again. I cannot stress enough just how beneficial it is to have that kind of additional support during the birthing experience.)
5. Diet/exercise - I’ve tried to establish/maintain a healthy-ish diet and stay as active as I can this pregnancy. The last time, with baby #3, everything went to hell and a hand basket and my life was completely upside down. Not eating well and not being active AT ALL (even just going on walks) was not a priority and impacted me on a lot of different levels, including my emotional state AND actual birth experience. This time I tried to be aware of these things throughout the entire pregnancy - in hopes that I am laying a solid foundation physiologically for myself. I have also been much more diligent about taking the vitamins and supplements recommended to me by my midwife. Being conscientious of what I am putting into my body as well as exercising (running, walking, yoga, etc.) has also helped me to feel more connected to my body and my pregnancy. (Please note - whenever I use the word “diet” I never mean “dieting”. I simply mean the compilation/combination/composition of what I am eating.)
6. Working through “baggage”, past traumas, previous birth experiences (both positive and negative), fears and unrealistic expectations with my doula, therapist and midwife - This one is HUGE. And certainly still a work in progress (and probably will be until the arrival of this next baby, at least). But with each birth experience comes new “baggage” - whether in the form of expectations and/or fears (often unrealistic and/or irrational, respectively). After my last birth experience specifically, I have a lot of fear - from both an emotional and physical standpoint. I hope to share more on this later, but regardless of past birth experiences (or sexual traumas, physical abuse, PTSD, or even just perceived trauma from other experiences) I do believe in the importance of voicing these feelings, naming the “baggage” and having others hold that space for you. Even if I don’t feel like things are 100% resolved from my own previous experiences (they probably won’t be) at least acknowledging them, putting them out into the universe and sharing them with my birth team is progress, and I hope will reduce some fear, keep my expectations in check and keep my heart open to this new experience. 
7. Listening to POSITIVE birth stories - always LOVE me some good birth stories, but this time I tried to focus only on listening to and reading positive and empowering experiences. This was just a way for me to protect the energy coming into my brain. (Watching/listening to traumatic or extremely painful births makes me question a lot of things this time, so it isn’t helpful for me to take those in!)

And lastly… 

8. Perineal massage - This is a more recent (and very different) one for me! Starting at week 36, hubby has been doing nightly perineal massage - aka vagina massage! (Don’t worry - it’s not in a sexual way I promise! And if you don’t know what the H I’m talking about feel free to google it! I won’t get into all of the what’s and how to’s here this time.) It’s insanely difficult to perform perineal massage on yourself when you’ve got a giant 9 month belly, so having a partner do it for you is much easier. For five 1-minute increments (with 30 seconds between) the massage mimics a contraction, building in pressure up until the 30 second mark, then decreasing for the last 30 seconds. The intention is to stretch the perineum in hopes to avoid or minimize tearing. During these massages, I have been “practicing” being in labor. It’s not painful, but there is a bit of slight pressure/discomfort. It’s been the perfect opportunity to put on a meditation/relaxing music/labor playlist and practice getting into the zone. Focusing on my body and my baby, relaxing my pelvic floor and getting into the right headspace. It’s truly been great practice for learning how to relax while something not quite so relaxing is going on! (Side note: The first night I made Ryan stop because I hated it and felt really emotionally uncomfortable. We had some loud obnoxious TV show on and it just felt awful all the way around. The next night I tried to make it a more “zen” experience - and it made such a difference. To be honest, I actually look forward to those 5ish minutes each night now!)

That’s it! Those are all of the things I have been doing and focusing on to prepare myself for my 4th birth experience and bringing a new life into this world.

What does birth prep mean to you??

Fear

Sarah McKenzie Photography

Can I be super honest with you? I was going to post a blog this morning about what I’ve been doing differently to prepare myself for birth this time around, but it didn’t feel right today so I’m saving it for another day. Because you know what? Lately there’s been a lot of fear in my heart. Like, I’m absolutely terrified. More afraid than ever. Right around this time in pregnancy (so, the end) it’s very typical for fear and doubt to sneak in. It happens to me every time. Fear of birth. Fear of unmedicated birth. Fear of pain. Fear of not being ready. Not being able to do it. But also fear of something being wrong now or going wrong later. Is my baby okay in there? Is something off? Will my baby make it out okay? Will I survive all of this? Which paths involve the least amount of fear? Sign me up for that, I don’t care if it feels right or not.

But this time the fear has been SO much more intense than ever before. I’m not sure if that’s because of my last birth experience or if it’s just because. But as I was completely spiraling this morning (for a several reasons) I felt the Lord speaking to my heart - saying “Trust Me”. It sounds simple enough. (Spoiler alert: It’s not.) But I keep coming back to that. Because that IS “all” I have to do. Just sit back and trust in Him and His plan. Whether things look like what I envision or not, that His plan is the “right” one. “Trust. ME.” So today I’m focusing on releasing the fear. Because that’s how the enemy robs us of SO much joy and amazing experiences.

He has always provided. He has never abandoned me. Or you. Nor will He ever. Grateful that this is the God that I get to serve.

38 Weeks

Yesterday we hit the 38 week mark! And then I spent 2 hours crying last night because I don’t feel ready for birth or baby or postpartum or pregnancy to be over or newborn stage (or future toddler phases 😆) or anything that comes after today. The things that need to be ready aren’t, and the things I want to be ready also are not even close and I really started panicking because it feels like I’m out of time 😰. After some talking down from hubby (and actually getting some sleep) I’m feeling much better about everything today. Learning to accept that when it comes to birth and newborns and the “next” (among SO many other things in life) often times you’re never really ready until it’s actually happening. I love this time and I still want to find as much joy and be as present in it as I can! So here’s what 38 weeks looks like on the inside!! I see you baby!!! 💗

36 Weeks

Sarah McKenzie Photography

36 weeks today. And I can hardly even believe that we’re already here.

When I tell people how far along I am in this pregnancy, at this point the automatic response is “Wow almost there!” or “Oh you’re getting so close!” But what’s weird is that, while I do have brief moments where I feel like the pregnancy part of this journey is basically over (typically coupled with slight panic!), MOST of the time I feel like I still have lots of time between now and when we meet this baby face to face. For the first time, 36 weeks just doesn’t feel THAT close to being the end, when that next chapter will begin. I still (hopefully) have many weeks left with this babe growing and rolling inside of me. We’ve just BARELY started talking about names, haven’t prepared a space for baby, washed clothes or anything like that.

Maybe I’m in denial. Or maybe 4 weeks actually IS a long time. Enough time. The right amount of time. However long it ends up being. I’m still focused intently on the present, no countdowns or number of days left of xyz...because I know how sacred, special and important these last few weeks are to me. I also know from experience that baby’s birth story doesn’t begin with broken waters or a contraction or the arrival time at a hospital, but in the hours, days and weeks before that. For some mamas, this time is about wanting to press fast forward. Just get through it. End it already. Sprint the last 100 meters, cross the finish line, without looking up. And to others, it’s about desperately wanting to slam on the brakes, out of fear or just needing more time to prepare, nest, bond (👈🏼 usually me!)... this time I DO want to take it slow. But not out of desperation. But out of honor and respect for the process. For my body and baby’s natural rhythms. I plan on spending a lot of time in nature, meditating, praying, nesting, connecting with my body, listening to baby and his/her timing... and MAYBE at least having SOME name options for this baby!

Here’s to the last month-ish of pregnancy!! Enjoying each day of the next month or however long. (And if God wants to give me a little extra time I’m okay with that too 😉.) To the next 2-6 weeks - I’m here for you.

40 days. 34 Weeks.

Sarah McKenzie Photography

40 days from our due date today! And while I am aware today of that specific number (only because I went out of my way to look it up a few days ago) we still have no countdowns over here, no focus on “how many days/weeks until _____” or how many more “alone” days I have before baby arrives. (In the past I’ve known EXACTLY how much time I had left.) I hardly know what to tell strangers when asked how far along I am - not because by baby number 4 you lose track or are too preoccupied to remember but because I actually haven’t been focused on knowing. I’ve been BLISSFULLY unaware of timelines and it feels amazing. I’m still focusing intently on the present and hardly looking ahead any more than I absolutely have to. Turning my eyes towards the Lord and being more intentional with my time with Him. Preparing my heart for birth. Preparing my soul for the sacredness of the postpartum experience. Seeking guidance from professionals as well as my labor support team to come alongside me and lead me on this journey towards birthing another life into this world. 🙏🏼💗

This past weekend we were so fortunate to have some time with @sarahmckenziephoto (who was actually with us for 2 of our previous births!) to capture this sacred time for our family. I am so grateful for her and can’t wait to see more!!

Sarah McKenzie Photography

20 weeks

20 weeks. 20 weeks with this baby growing inside of me. I’m a little sad that we’re already to the halfway point, but also SO excited for the second half of this pregnancy.

I truly believe that God did not intend for pregnancy to be a miserable time to just wade through, waiting and wishing for it to be over. It’s part of the journey that He created for us. Yes there’s some sacrifice, it’s not always “easy” and there certainly are some growing pains (both physically and emotionally). But I believe that His timing and design is perfect, whether we understand it or not.

Something I’ve been doing a little differently this time around is focusing intently on the present, and on BEING present in this pregnancy. In the past, I feel like there was a lot of counting down to specific milestones. “How many more weeks until ____?” “I cant WAIT until I’m ___ weeks!” “How many more days until my next ultrasound?” “When will I look like THIS? or feel THAT?” ”How much more time until ____ happens?” And this time I’ve done none of that. I am 20 weeks right now. And that’s that. I’m not thinking about 21 weeks, or 27 weeks or 39 weeks. (Still preparing diligently for birth and my postpartum experience though, of course.)

My hope is that when I’m 40 weeks pregnant, I can look back on this time and think “What an amazing journey this has been!” and not “Oh crap where did the time go?!” I’ve experienced the latter in a very negative way before and I don’t want it to feel that way again. Because I want to enjoy it and never ever take this time and blessing for granted.

So here’s to the past 20 weeks. And to enjoying EACH of the next 20!!