Our Story: The First 6 Weeks

Couldn't get one without her crying and with baby #3
there's no "try it again later"so... crying picture it is!

So. We've survived the first 6 weeks (somehow). I don't really know why I feel like 6 weeks is some sort of significant number... or at least more significant than 5 weeks or 7 weeks. It just feels like it is. Maybe it's because that's usually when that postpartum checkup happens, when you're given the all clear by your Dr. to resume "normal" life and activities (hah). Anyway, I figured I would share what the first 6 weeks has looked like for us. Even though most of this post will just be random thoughts, I want to share while it's fresh. So that I can remember, but also because I (always) feel like openness and transparency is beneficial for everyone - on both sides of the screen.

Postpartum is a dangerous combination of hormone crashes/imbalances and sleep deprivation like you wouldn't know (unless you have had a new baby yourself). Nothing compares and it's super crazy. My postpartum experience with Heidi (my first) was extremely tough through the first few months, with Wells (my second) it was insanely dreamy and perfect and easy and I feel like this time around we're somewhere in the middle of the road. It's pretty roller coaster-y and we have a LOT of extreme ups and extreme downs throughout each day, but overall I feel like the hormones were under control after a few weeks. However, we are certainly in the thick of it now when it comes to the sleep deprivation. Weeks 6-8 are usually the toughest for me when it comes to that aspect, but I think the sleep deprivation psychosis set in a little earlier for me this time. Probably because with each kid you have less and less time to rest, care for yourself or even just think (and there's just so much noise)! By about week 2 or 3 I was already in the "okay I'm ready to die why is death taking so long" phase. (Which again is "normal" for me...) I have had a few days where getting out of bed has been almost impossible. The second my eyes open I feel the weight of the entire day - the thought of changing diapers, feeding everyone breakfast, managing toddlers, moving my body... it all feels too heavy. I'm too tired. Sleep deprivation is SUCH a crazy thing. It messes with you on so many levels - many of which you aren't even able to be aware of in your conscious mind. (Also, it's AMAZING what a night with 4 hours of sleep total as opposed to a night of 3 hours total can do for a person after 5 weeks of no sleep haha!) So here is a breakdown of what our first 6 weeks at home have looked like!

Week 1 (9/27 - 10/4)
The first week home I was crying about 80% of the time and felt pretty out of control hormonally. Each day brought a few more minutes of normalcy (or maybe even just a few seconds more) than the day before but most simple tasks (or just existing really) felt pretty overwhelming.

Week 2 (10/4 - 10/11)
Right after we hit the 1 week mark, I was definitely questioning whether I would ever live a normal life again (normal thoughts new mamas!) It was hard to feel remotely functional and I was also feeling pretty stressed and overwhelmed about going out of town that weekend (Ryan's sister was getting married in Galveston, about an hour and a half or so away and we were staying down there for the weekend.)

At 9 days postpartum, we loaded up all 3 kids and headed down to Galveston for Ryan's sister's wedding. We stayed in a big house with Ryan's family (which - sorry not sorry about the 9 day postpartum bloody pads and breast milk soaked nursing pads in the shared bathroom people!) and the weekend actually turned out to be much more manageable than I had expected. The biggest breakdown came when it was time for me to put on my bridesmaid dress - which due to the open back meant we were in a no bra situation. No bra + 9 day giant leaky boobs is a terrible combination. And it was pretty much impossible to get nursing pads in the dress in the correct position, so that was super stressful. I ended up just wearing a bra until the very last minute before the ceremony, and changed into a different (nursing-friendly, bra-friendly) outfit for the reception. It all worked out in the end and being at the reception, drinking a glass of wine and talking to lots of family friends all felt very normal. Getting out and being social and doing a normal thing felt SO good. So even though I wouldn't recommend PLANNING on being 1 of 3 bridesmaids in a wedding at 10 days postpartum, overall it was a good weekend (and super nice to have the extra help from family - THANK YOU to all who helped us!)

By the end of week 2 I still felt pretty mood swing-y but the hormones at least seemed to be a little bit more under control. Ryan was also still at home at that point, which obviously is the best BUT it did make it very difficult for me to picture doing it all by myself once he was back at work. I felt very overwhelmed and just like there was no way I was going to be able to do anything myself once he was back in the office. How do I even get the kids to preschool? How do I load/unload/walk in with all 3 kids AND their crap? How do I ever go anywhere ever?? (Wells is still a loose cannon when it comes to letting him walk in parking lots - there's no telling whether he will sprint into oncoming traffic or not.) I definitely felt like I was facing an impossible task. Something Ryan said to me (in a very gentle and loving way) that sometimes makes me feel a little better was "You are not the first lady to have 3 kids". Even though I wouldn't recommend running around saying that to every hormonal, emotional, postpartum crazed woman, it did help me to realize that yes, there are plenty of other women who have figured this out and I am not alone, nor the first person to do this.

Week 3 (10/11 - 10/18)
At Cami's 2 week check up (on a Wednesday), we found out that she has a heart murmur. We were told to see a pediatric cardiologist and that we needed to get in before the weekend. We were instructed to be in the med center that Friday at 6:45 a.m. for an ECHO and then had an appointment for an EKG and to meet with the doctor at 1:30 p.m. This was obviously very stressful and made for a very long and overwhelming day. I am SO grateful though that my mom offered to get us a hotel room downtown so that we could be close to the appointments (and also have somewhere to go crash between appointments since they were so spaced out). I'm not going to go into details, but we found out that Cami has two issues (an ASD as well as PVS) - one of which could potentially resolve itself the other probably won''t ever go away but shouldn't affect her lifestyle down the road. (We will know more for sure when we go back again at 6 months to recheck.) Anyway, this obviously was not an easy day and brought on a LOT of guilt, blame and "what-ifs" on my part. (Mom guilt doesn't make sense to ANYONE else but you when you're the mom. Everyone else will say "It's not your fault. It's not anything you did. These things just happen" etc. etc....but that still doesn't change the fact that as the mom you will still question whether it was something you did or didn't do that caused an issue in your baby. With Cami, for the first time ever during a pregnancy I took meds - at least 4 separate times. I'll always wonder... and I'll certainly never ever take meds again while pregnant unless it's a matter of life or death.)

When Cami was about 2.5 weeks old, Ryan went back to work. It's funny how, when you HAVE to do something you suddenly find the confidence and ability to do it and you know you can. I had felt soo much doubt and anxiety and sadness leading up to his return to work, but the Sunday night before it was going to happen I suddenly felt semi-capable and up for the challenge. We woke up that morning, had a "normal" morning at home where I fed the kids breakfast, then loaded everyone up (got the older kids snacks and water) and drove our butts to Starbucks! I got myself a mocha and we just drove around for a while - also something that we do frequently around here. A way to get out of the house, get some fresh air, see some things, but not really have to exert much energy and bonus - everyone is strapped in and contained! My kids have always liked being in the car - which I am grateful for - although I don't think I would really give them the choice since I need that time for me regularly so badly. I was feeling extra ambitious so I even took all 3 kids on a walk to the playground before lunch (it's a full mile round trip so I felt very accomplished)! The next day I even went to get a mani/pedi (with Cami)!! Taking your 2 week old to the nail salon isn't anything I would have ever DREAMED of doing with my first baby, and honestly not my second either. But people, by the third one you just do it and you don't even think twice about it!

Week 4 (10/18 - 10/25)
Week 4 seemed to be the least crazed. Hormones leveled off a bit, exhaustion levels were still crazy high but we were functioning. We did a lot of normal things this week - I took the kids to bible study, we went and had lunch with Ryan afterwards, the kids went to school... everything just seemed to gel. I wish more than anything that Ryan could be home with us all day every day, but having him back at work did help us to feel a little more "routine". I went maybe 2 days without crying (which I don't think I've done since... January?? Okay not really but almost!) Sometimes things just really click... and then they come crashing down again (see week 5 haha!)

Week 5 (10/25 - 11/1)
Week 5 kicked off with probably the hardest day (hormonally/exhaustion-wise) with this baby to date. By this point, she's a little more alert throughout the day but if she's awake she's typically either eating or crying. We had a really rough night of no sleeping and the second my eyes opened that morning I just felt like I was going to die (and wanted to honestly). It seems like she cries a lot, spits up a ton and doesn't seem all that content even when I'm holding her - to the point where I even start wondering if something is WRONG with her (or me??) In my delirium, I start questioning whether she's even my baby. Why isn't she comforted by me? Why am I not good enough for her? She won't stop crying and I can't continue like this and I don't want to do this any more ("this" = day to day life). Ryan ended up SOS calling my mom to come up and hang out with me during the day. It was definitely beneficial just to even have someone else in the house, so I didn't have to be in full on present mom mode and I could just kind of sit here and not have to do much (which honestly, some days I just have to do anyways because I'm not capable of much else). This was the first time I felt like I was having trouble bonding with my baby. I felt very separated from her, mostly because I felt like "she didn't care about me" - meaning I couldn't comfort her. I felt like this was someone else's baby. I can't figure out which position she likes, just holding her close doesn't make her stop freaking out...I started letting my mind even go as far as thinking "I didn't choose this. I didn't ask for this. I didn't and don't want this"... getting pregnant was not a conscious decision I had made or felt like I had control over necessarily and I once again started questioning God's timing for the 500,000th time in the last 10 months. (I don't usually feel this way but sometimes during the extreme low points these are the thoughts creep in...) The rest of the week seemed to mostly get better from there emotionally mostly, but I definitely was feeling very strongly that I am super over postpartum and so tired of feeling this way! I have also been struggling with my postpartum body - which I usually don't. But just the way this pregnancy and birth went my body is a reminder that I'm not pregnant anymore, those things are over AND also nothing fits me which is annoying and stressful and depressing and just adds to the emotional roller coaster. (But that's another post for another day.)

Week 6 (11/1 - 11/8)
Week 6 also started off with another hard day (what is it about Wednesdays??) although it wasn't quite as bad as it was the week before. I'm not sure how but somehow hubby convinced me to get out of bed and we made it to our weekly Bible study. After bible study, we even went and had lunch with him! The rest of the week had some "normal" and functional moments in between the chaos, but I feel like the normal is starting to balance out a bit with the tough times. As a mom, whether you have 1 or 10 there will always be moments in your day when you think you just can't do it, but the hope is that those moments pass quickly and don't come as often. So I think we're at least headed in the right direction with postpartum stuff generally.

Things kind of came crashing down at the end of this week though, however I feel like that was mostly due more to external events. My 6 week pp appointment was scheduled for the end of this week so in preparation we started to figure out what our "family planning" plan is moving forward. (I might get into this later but maybe not - either way I'm just feeling weird and uncomfortable with things right now while we figure it out.) I was really looking forward to my appointment and excited to get the all clear. That last appointment is always so bittersweet for me... in some ways I am so excited to close that chapter and start the next, but at the same time I usually feel pretty emotional as it just feels like the "end" of the pregnancy journey. Anyway, nothing super traumatic happened or anything, but I just left feeling very unimportant, uncared for and like I was just another number. (I will expand on this later for sure.) I have never felt so small. And that feeling sucks. Even though, I usually leave those appointments and cry just because of the finality of them, I have always left feeling so empowered and strong and this time was the complete opposite. I cried because I felt terrible, and so let down. I was deflated. Still figuring out what the next steps of processing this means for me...

Anyway, I feel like we're in a place right now where, it could be better could be worse, which I feel like is a pretty good place to be 6 weeks pp. (And honestly, even just feeling semi-optimistic and more "glass-half-full" is a good sign when it comes to postpartum - though I don't feel like that every moment of every day.) Even though we can't quite see the light at the end of the tunnel sleep-wise yet, hopefully (HOPEFULLY) that is just around the corner. (Typically for us that happens between 8-12 weeks-ish.) Once we start sleeping more/through the night things should get much more manageable. Having kids will always be a juggling act, at least we should feel more normal physiologically. Thanks for sticking with me!