Week 16

Major events: Last Baylor game in Floyd Casey Stadium; 2 Christmas parties;

Size of baby: Avocado

Sleep: Bad, although falling asleep after I wake up is getting easier

Cravings:  Cheese; pickles and other salty things

Movement: Yes!

Belly button in or out? In... but opening up more and more.  I'M SO SCARED!!

Missing:  Going 10 hours without having to pee

Best part of this week: Telling our family the gender

Hardest part of this week: Being MISERABLY cold at the Baylor game and getting stuck in College Station with nothing but the clothes on our backs after they closed the roads due to ice.  (And almost ending up in a ditch due to said ice.)  Also, early in the week I had a terrible headache that prevented me from doing pretty much anything except lay in bed the whole day.  It was awful. 

Looking forward to: Picking a name

Emotions: Never been happier

I should also say that last week we found out that we're having a baby GIRL!!!!!  We are SO pumped!!!! Here are a few more recent pictures...

2nd Trimester - Weeks 14 and 15

Okay, so I am finally almost caught up!  I must say... it's true what they say:  The 2nd trimester is AWESOME!  I really don't even feel pregnant.  

Major events: My bday and our BBQ; Turkey Trot 10K; Thanksgiving

Size of baby: Lemon

Sleep: Bad as usual.

Cravings: None

Aversions: None

Movement: I THINK so.  

Belly button in or out? In

Missing: RAW OYSTERS.  (Yes, you read that right.  I LOVE raw oysters and HATE that I am missing oyster "season".)  Guess I will have to wait until next September.  Boo.

Best part of this week: Finally making this news 100% PUBLIC! 

Hardest part of this week: Other than not being able to sleep for longer than 3 hours at a time, no real "hard" parts about this week.  It was fabulous!

Looking forward to: Gender ultrasound next week

Emotions: SO happy to tell all of our friends!  Also, I am surprisingly feeling more emotional now than I did in my first trimester.  I have never been much of a crier, but if poor Ryan (bless his heart. No seriously.) says not the exact right thing... I just might cry.  Even just walking around Hobby Lobby listening to the Christmas music playing over the speakers makes me want to cry.

Major events: GENDER ULTRASOUND!

Size of baby: Apple

Sleep: Waking up every 2 hours to pee (sucks)

Cravings: None

Aversions: None 

Movement: Yes.  Undoubtedly.  (And it's awesome! And freaky.)

Belly button in or out? In

Missing: Sleep. And (yes I know I have a LONG road ahead of me) but my small belly.  I already miss my flat stomach :(

Best part of this week: Keeping the gender a secret just between us for a few days :)

Hardest part of this week: Keeping the gender a secret just between us for a few days.  Hehe.

Looking forward to: Having a very small not-a-big-deal party on Sunday to reveal the gender

Emotions: Happy.

1st Trimester Milestones - Part 2

Major events: Jeff and Hayley's wedding

Size of baby: Grape

Sleep: I have been trying to get in the habit of sleeping on my side, even though I won't have to for several more weeks.  (Who knew that pregnant ladies can't sleep flat on their backs?!) Even though I do spend a lot of time on my side when I am asleep, now that I HAVE to, I wake up constantly

Cravings: Chocolate chip cookies

Aversions: Red meat still sounds gross 

Movement: None

Belly button in or out? In

Missing:  Alcohol.  It really hasn't been anything I missed until this weekend.  Once I am in multiple (open bar) social situations, it is SO hard!  I just wanted a nice glass of champagne or a refreshing gin an tonic.

Best part of this week: 

Hardest part of this week: Not drinking.

Looking forward to: Nothing specific

Emotions: Generally Happy

10 Weeks

(No picture this week - sorry!)

This was an extremely uneventful week, so I will keep this one short :)

Major events:  Halloween; ran 8 miles and felt great!

Size of baby: Kumquat

11 weeks

(No picture again - oops!)

Major events: Drove to Baylor just for the evening to see Baylor play dominate OU

Size of baby: Date

Sleep: Bad

Cravings: Not sure if this is pregnancy related but... pizza.  Pizza ALWAYS sounds good.

Aversions:  Still red meat.  Steak sounds gross.

Movement: None

Belly button in or out? In

Missing:  Nothing major this week...

Best part of this week: Hanging out with family on Sunday (My mom brought me some great pregnancy books AND a cupcake!) 

Hardest part of this week: Daylight savings time :(  I hate when it gets dark so early!

Emotions: Excitement!  And feeling impatient. I can't wait until this secret is finally out in the open!

Major events:  Nothing really this week

Size of baby: Lime

Sleep:  Bad.  Everything wakes me up, I'm always getting up to pee and I never EVER sleep through the night

Cravings: Always pizza.  and salt!!

Aversions:  Yes, STILL red meat... I should just take this off and you can assume I still don't want steak :)

Movement: Nope

Belly button in or out? In

Missing:  My Nike shorts not digging in to my stomach

Best part of this week: The first person (my hair dresser!) touched my belly!!  (Side note - I LOVE it when people touch my stomach [yes even strangers - as long as it isn't some creep])  I was so excited that I considered calling Ryan at work to tell him. 

Hardest part of this week: Ryan going out of town for work (okay, okay it really was only for 1 night but STILL); Also having to miss family dinner with our friends

Looking forward to: The time when this won't be a secret anymore

Emotions: Feeling good

13 weeks

(No picture - I know I suck)

Major events: Ran a half marathon (!!); 2 great Dr. appts. 

Size of baby: Medium Shrimp

Sleep: Bad

Cravings: Pepperoni pizza!  

Movement: Not quite sure yet... maybe but it's so hard to tell!

Belly button in or out? In, but it's starting to open up.  (Normally it looks like a vertical slit, but now the opening is more round and you can see inside! WEIRD!)

Missing:  Nothing really

Best part of this week: Seeing baby again and hearing the heartbeat for the first time; AND finding out we can schedule an "early gender ultrasound" as early as 15 weeks!!  We are crossing our fingers that we will find out on December 2nd :)

Hardest part of this week: Nothing specific

Looking forward to: Telling EVERYONE at my birthday party next weekend

Emotions: SO excited.

1st Trimester Milestones - Part 1

My 1st trimester was relatively "uneventful."  Nothing really out of the ordinary, no major breakdowns (okay, okay no major noteworthy breakdowns) all of your typical symptoms... so here is just a little summary of my 1st trimester!

3 Weeks

Major events: Finding out we are pregnant!

Size of baby: Tiny :)

Sleep: Good

Cravings: None

Aversions: None

Movement: No

Belly button in or out? In! (Note: I am absolutely TERRIFIED of my belly button popping out!  I have an innie and it's always been really sensitive!)

Missing: Nothing yet

Best part of this week: Knowing there was a tiny life growing inside of me 

Hardest part of this week: Not telling EVERYONE!

Looking forward to: Our first Dr. appt!  (Our OBGYN waits until 8 weeks for the first appt. 8 weeks seemed SO far away!)

Emotions: Elation, surprise and a little fear (I have always been a planner and I feel totally unprepared for this little surprise!)

Major events: Telling Ryan's parents; telling all of our sisters; trip to Fredricksburg for a Bachelorette Party

Size of baby: Poppy seed

Sleep: Good

Cravings: None

Aversions: None

Movement: No

Belly button in or out? In

Missing: Red meat!!  I am one of those people who prefers a little blood in the middle of my burgers/steaks... not any more :( 

Best part of this week: Sharing the news with family 

Hardest part of this week: Hiding the pregnancy/not telling people/not accidentally spilling the beans

Looking forward to: Telling my mom

Emotions: Stress - trying to figure out my job situation (I will share more on this later); Guilt - I feel really guilty when I am in situations where I am not able to eat right for the baby.  

Major events: Plane ride to Oklahoma

Size of baby: Sesame Seed

Sleep: Good

Cravings: None

Aversions: None

Movement: No

Belly button in or out? In

Missing: Sushi; fitting into my bras; going on runs without my boobs hurting so bad!!

Best part of this week: Getting to see my sister; Daily morning nap time with Freddie when my sister runs home from the hospital to shower. (At this point, Freddie and I spend the same time each day sleeping!)

Hardest part of this week: Seeing Freddie so sick in the hospital and being away from Ryan

Looking forward to: Hopefully getting to telling my mom ONE day; getting back home to my husband (okay, okay that second one is not baby related - but I hate being away from him!)

Emotions: Nothing crazy this week aside from the general excitement

Major events: Flying home; finally telling my mom!

Size of baby: Lentil

Sleep: Good - although the number of times to get up to pee is increasing

Cravings: None

Aversions: Food. All food. And all smells.  Specifically the smell of bananas (even though I still force myself to eat them). UGH

Movement: No

Belly button in or out? In

Missing: Actually wanting to eat

Best part of this week: Obviously telling my mom

Hardest part of this week: Feeling sick 100% of the time (although never throwing up)

Looking forward to: Showing.  You always assume that you start showing the second that you get pregnant, but it really is a LONG time before you even look slightly pregnant (even then its still "is that just a beer belly or is that girl pregnant?")  

Emotions: The usual excitement.  It still doesn't feel real, so sometimes I will "forget" or stop thinking about it, and then remember again, which always makes me very happy.

Major events: Baylor football game; Our 1 year anniversary

Size of baby: Coffee bean

Sleep: Bad - waking up constantly and unable to go back to sleep.

Cravings: None.  Although if something sounds good to eat - that's what I am eating bc its the ONLY thing that sounds good.  One day it was macaroni and cheese and apple juice.  The next day it was a quarter pounder with cheese from McDonalds. 

Aversions: Everything.  

Movement: No

Belly button in or out? In

Missing: The desire to eat; Drinking our "1 year anniversary" bottle of wine.  :(

Best part of this week: Knowing that we only have to wait another week before seeing our baby!

Hardest part of this week: Finding food that doesn't cause me to gag at the mere thought of it.

Looking forward to: Seeing our baby and hearing it's heartbeat

Emotions: Impatience; excitement

Major events: 1st Dr. appt (!!); telling my uncle and grandma

Size of baby: Blueberry

Sleep: Terrible at night; napping all day

Cravings: None

Aversions: Red meat sounds terrible (so weird!)

Movement: No

Belly button in or out? In

Missing: Nothing specific this week

Best part of this week: Seeing baby and seeing the flickering heart

Hardest part of this week: Lying to my friends when asked "When are you going to get pregnant??"  (I HATE dishonesty even if the intentions aren't bad!)

Looking forward to: More ultrasounds; feeling the baby move; finding out the gender (doctor said we have to wait until our big 5 month ultrasound in January - what?!)

Emotions: Pure joy knowing that that our baby's heart was beating

THE Pregnancy Test!

WARNING: Before we begin, there will talk below of periods and bodies and birth control and the like so if those words alone make you uncomfortable now is the time to close this window and go back to checking your phone for candy crush lives.  ALSO, if you are one of those people who gets weirded out by seeing peoples pregnancy tests -  that's here too (YES I did pee on it!)  Plus, like I have mentioned previously, I learned so much from women who were willing to be open about their stories that I want do the same for anyone else out there who may be wondering about . . . stuff. Right.

September 10, 2013 started off as a normal day.  We got up, got ready and headed out for work.  (At this point Ryan and I carpooled because we both worked on the other side of town.)  Nothing really felt different aside from what I thought were a few normal that-time-of-the-month symptoms (ladies you know what I’m talking about).  However, I wasn’t due to start for a several more days. 

ANYWAY while I was at work, a bride who I was helping to coordinate her wedding scheduled a last minute meeting that needed to happen.  I wasn’t prepared yet, so after work I picked Ryan up and then did some work in the car on my laptop while he drove.  I started to feel kind of carsick… which was weird because that usually doesn’t happen to me (I’m usually playing games or reading stuff on my phone during our commutes).

**Side note:  Just so you know how clueless we really were… after the meeting, we were driving home and the subject of kids came up.  I always ask Ryan when he thinks we should start a family… although he pretty much never gives me any sort of answer!  The conversation continued and I told him it would be nice to wait until the Spring so that we have time for a couple of more half marathons (me, not Ryan) and maybe a nice trip together, etc.  That’s pretty much where we ended it.

When we got home, I thought maybe I would just take a test to make sure.  (Ever since I have been married, every LITTLE thing has me convinced I am pregnant.  Stomach ache?  Take a pregnancy test. Headache?  Pregnancy test.  Elbow hurts?  Pregnancy test. )  Needless to say, I already had an extra test in the cabinet at home.  Pretty much IMMEDIATELY after snapping the cap back on the test I noticed the FAINTEST blue line you have ever seen.  I instantly started freaking out on the inside.  Convinced that I was PROBABLY just imagining it and that maybe after 2 minutes it would really just show one line, I left it in the bathroom and went to go change clothes.  Pretending like I was NOT freaking out… talking to the dog and trying to play it cool… I then went back into the bathroom.  SUPER faint line.  I walked into the living room.

Me:  Okay…DON’T freak out… but I need you to look at this and tell me what you think.

Ryan:  (Flips on the light)

Me:  It looks like there is a really faint line, but I can’t tell if it’s just my imagination or not…

Ryan:  Well, has it looked like that before?

Me:  No.

Ryan:  Well…

Me:  You know we’re going to have to go buy more of those tonight, right?

I’m not really sure what exactly was said after that point.  I know it was at that moment that we both realized what was ACTUALLY happening.  After sitting on the couch in shock, some hugs, and some happy tears (Ryan) we hopped in the car and drove our butts to CVS.  6 pregnancy tests later…. It was true.  I seriously could not believe how faint that little blue line truly was, I guess just because it was still pretty freaking early to find out.  (They actually make these digital ones now that will tell you how many weeks it thinks you are.  So crazy! 1-2 weeks, 2-3 weeks or 3+ weeks) It read 1-2, which was helpful in answering a few of MY questions… (Well really just one question - WHEN DID THIS HAPPEN?!)

Hey, you want to be extra sure, right?!

Were there any “signs” looking back?

Heads up: Here’s where it gets a little personal…throughout the month of August, work was extremely stressful and I was exhausted constantly.  I was so tired in fact, that I went to my doctor to have some blood work done to see if my Mono had re-activated itself.  (No I was not pregnant at this time – I actually was just stressed and exhausted!)   I had not ovulated in July or August, but I just chalked it up to the stress and lack of sleep.  (Why did I know if/when I was ovulating you ask?  No, we were not “trying”.  By practicing Natural Family Planning (NFP), I use an ovulation monitor for the opposite reason that most people would use it for… you can figure out what that means.)  Looking back now… apparently I must have ovulated in August, despite the fact that my hormone levels never reached a level high enough for this to occur.  So of course I just went on my merry way and that little red flag that usually reminds me every month to… take precautions was never on my radar.  Not sure if my hormones were jacked up (probably), if there was a user error with the monitor (maybe) or the monitor somehow messed up (eh?)… guess we’ll never know!  (Note to self… in the future I need to still pay attention to those few days when I SHOULD be ovulating… even if the monitor doesn't think I am!)

Needless to say… after 2 months of “not” ovulating I assumed I was due to start my period soon (that part WAS still happening regularly).  (I will note that my boobs hurt SO bad… a PMS symptom that I had not experienced since I got on the pill for a few months around our wedding.  That used to be normal for me though so I didn’t think anything of it.)  The morning of September 10, I woke up to my (Ryan’s) alarm.  I had just been dreaming that we had a little baby girl and she was giving me kisses.  I just thought it was a cute dream.   Then (now this was a few days before I was supposed to start my period) the monitor randomly jumped from “low fertility” to “ovulating”.   Well that’s never happened.  “Man my hormones are really messed up right now!  This is so annoying!” I said to Ryan…  I began to notice around that time that I suddenly had to pee WAY more than normal.  I’m usually like a once-every-8-hours (or longer) kind of girl (unhealthy I KNOW.  I have been lectured on this before.)  I just don’t have to go that much and I can hold it for a really long time if I have to!  However, this started to change.  I couldn’t really figure out why.  I didn’t feel like I was drinking that much more…  All of these things individually didn’t seem (to me – or probably any first-time-pregnant-peeps) like reason enough to assume that I was pregnant.  But after I started to feel carsick in the car… it was enough LITTLE things to make me think…. “Well… I guess I should at least check.  I doubt I am but… I should make sure”.  I am SO glad that I did.  :)

Last bottle from our milestone wine basket that Ryan's sisters gave to us for our wedding!  (Although, we had to save the 1 year anniversary bottle for next year because this news came first. Oops!)

We're Pregnant!

It’s true!  We are expecting.  And we couldn't be more excited.  While it seems that everyone else “had a feeling” or “knew this would happen soon”…Ryan and I were more surprised than anyone!  (I’m pretty sure my sister knew I was pregnant before I did!) 

With this news comes a lot of questions and curiosity.  I know that whenever I find out someone that I know is pregnant I go into major FBI detective mode to try and learn all the details!  Since I just LOVE hearing about (and learning from) other women’s pregnancy experiences, I thought this would be a great way for me to share our journey through this with you!  Disclaimer: Anyone who knows me knows – I’m not shy!  I have always been an open person, and will answer pretty much any question (and honestly!)  While this is a fabulous way for us to share with you, we also want to document these happenings for ourselves so that we can always look back and remember what life was like now!  Although, I will try and refrain from sharing TOO much, there might be a few TMI moments.  I will try to give you a heads up when those moments are approaching, so (Grandma, sisters, mom, dudes or whoever) if you are uncomfortable with knowing a little too much you can skip ahead. :)

Now to answer some of the basic burning questions!

Due Date: May 23^rd

How many weeks along am I now: 14 weeks (For those who like to count in months, I am a little over 3 months, and just into my second trimester)

How big is Baby Kresta: The size of a lemon, about 3 ½ inches from head to booty!

Boy or Girl: I am hoping for a girl (the day before we found out, I had a dream that we had a baby girl…) but I am kind of feeling like it’s a boy right now.  That changes frequently though.  Ryan doesn’t seem to feel pulled one way or another.  We are hoping to find out very soon!

Morning sickness: Minute 1 of week 6 I felt a wave come over my whole body and for about 30 seconds I was sure I was about to throw up.  Then, just like that it was gone again. For the next couple of weeks, I was nauseous constantly (morning, noon and night).  Around week 8 or 9, it let up a little bit and began to come and go randomly.  Thankfully, I never actually threw up… but it was VERY difficult to find food that actually sounds appealing. (Even if I was not nauseous, pretty much everything sounded gross to me.)  I have been feeling GREAT the last several weeks!

Exhaustion: Up until week 9 or 10, I was sleeping ALL the time.  No really.  ALL morning, ALL day and ALL night (except to get up to pee several times per night – that started right away!)  However, sleeping through the night has been difficult.  I started waking up at 3:45 wide awake, unable to go back to sleep for hours.  So, around week 10 I started forcing myself out of bed and limiting myself to 1 nap during the day.  It helps about 50% of the time.

Belly: Barely showing.  I always thought pregnant bellies were hard right from the beginning, so even though I am definitely a lot thicker around the middle, it doesn't feel like I am TRULY showing yet because my (bigger) belly is still so squishy! After I eat though, it’s HUGE (and by huge I mean, twice as large as my normal post-meal food baby).  This probably not how it actually works, but I feel like my growing uterus is squishing all of my other organs upwards making my stomach EXTRA giant after I eat. 

How did we find out: There were a few things that seemed “off” but I was feeling what I *thought* (and what could have actually been) car sickness.  I didn't really think much of it, but decided to take a pregnancy test just to be sure…totally NOT expecting to see what I saw!  I will go more into detail about all of this later.

Why did we wait to share the news: A lot of pressure rides on the first trimester. It is the most delicate time in a pregnancy and the time during which most miscarriages occur.  (Obviously, we would be extremely sad should something like that happen, but I also trust my body to recognize when something is not right with the growing baby.  We both feel that if a miscarriage occurs it’s because it needs to.)  This is why we decided to tell family and a few close friends pretty early on (and by early on I mean the absolute first chance that we got!)  It was SOO insanely hard to not tell everyone we knew the second we found out!  It’s fun to spread out the excitement though.  It truly felt like an eternity from the time we found out to the time when we could share the news with the world.

Planned: Yes and No. This wasn't the timing we had expected, but by practicing Natural Family Planning (NFP), we are always saying YES to God and His plan for our family.

Ultrasound at 8 weeks!  The doctor had zoomed in SUPER close!  The circle thing on the right is the yolk sac, and the head is right next to that.  Then the rear end/foot paddles are on the far left!

The Beginning

In an effort to provide myself with some sort of "self help", perhaps writing my feelings down will help me sort them out and eventually make it through the woods and into the clearing with all of this nonsense.

Let me start from the beginning and provide a brief summary...(I will try to shorten this as much as possible.)

In 2009, my dad decided that he was no longer happy in the marriage that he was in. He also decided that a solution to this problem would be to have an affair with another woman. (This was not something that was known to us immediately, but it was discovered later that it had been going on for some time, which only he really knows how long.) This all began with a few minor changes that we noticed in him...things he would do/say, how he would act, how he acted towards my mom... eventually he admitted that he was confused and wasn't sure what was going on with himself. He manipulated us into feeling sorry for him and fooled us into believing his lies. He moved out of the house and into an apartment downtown. The rest is pretty much history. He now lives in Dallas with his new wife.

The dad that raised me, the person that I knew and loved so much, is no more. This is not the man that I called my father. I was so fortunate to have a wonderful childhood, to grow up in a home full of love, faithfulness and support. I am the person that I am today because of my family. I am grateful for the values and morals that were instilled in me as a child and young adult.

It is easier for me to treat this as a death. I am thankful that I am old enough to be able to compartmentalize what was... and what is. I have mourned over the loss of my family and the loss of my father. The loss of family Christmases and Easter Sunday, going to church together, sitting on the patio by the pool in the summer and family vacations.

I have struggled with anger, and of course still do, for so many different reasons I will not even begin to go into detail on that.

For the moment, I am currently struggling the most with the thought of this woman. This woman who claims to be a faithful woman of God, who made the decision to be with my Dad while he was still married, and still pretending that nothing was going on. I am not sure if she knows what she has done. I know that God instructs not to seek revenge, but I just wish that she could know what she did. Even if the whole truth was hidden from her, I want her to know everything. When I see her write on the company blog that she has found the love of her life at the company she loves so much... I just want to scream out loud "TOO BAD YOU HAD TO SNEAK AROUND FOR GOD KNOWS HOW LONG SO HIS WIFE AND KIDS WOULDN'T FIND OUT". It takes every ounce of energy that I have not to post this comment on the company blog. I just keep telling myself to push forward. Maybe one day I will not feel like this.

Each day is different. At least I don't think about it every single day like I used to. It still sucks more than anything in the whole world. My heart goes out to anyone who has had to face something like this as a child or teenager, because it definitely sucks hardcore to go through this as an adult.

So this is the beginning. I know that God has instructed me as a Christian to forgive. Somehow, I have to figure out how to get from point A to point B. So here we go. This is the beginning of this journey.


*** UPDATE ***

While I still have a ways to go, I no longer feel the amount anger that I once felt.  I will never look at this situation as a positive thing, but I am much more at peace now than I have been before.  Thank you for all of your thoughts and prayers through these last few years.