The Birth of Melody

The world tells us that birth is something to fear. Women have been programmed to believe that without medical intervention (or even with!) giving birth is excruciating and scary and something we should dread and expect to be awful. But that's how the enemy robs us. Because I know what God says. And I know it doesn't have to be that way.

"We have to totally change our thinking by renewing our mind with the Word of God on the subject of having babies, the same way we renew our mind concerning finances, health, and everything else. We can no longer think the way the world thinks if we want to have the results, the promises and provisions that have been given to us as born-again believers. We have to find out what God thinks on any subject and begin to think and talk the way He does. Romans 12:2 says 'And be not conformed to this world: but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, that you may prove what is that good, and acceptable, and perfect will of God.'"- Jackie Mize "Supernatural Childbirth"

Fear is not from God. It has always been my passion to show the world that birth is not something to be afraid of. Respectful of - yes. But scared of?? No. I know that God does not want us to have fear, including fear of how He created birth. I know that it is not His desire for us to suffer and that by inviting Him into our birth spaces (physically and spiritually) we can learn so much about Him and His character and love for us. Releasing our fears, our anxieties and need to control everything...it's not easy. But I know that's when we give it ALL to Him... that's when He shows up big.  

July 29, 2021

5:33 a.m. - On the morning of July 29, 2021, I woke up to what honestly felt like a braxton hicks contraction. These days, it's typical for me to have BH contractions throughout almost my whole pregnancy and often times they are quite strong. Even though this one didn't feel that different physically, something in my gut told me that it was different. I looked at the clock and made a mental note, "5:33 a.m." Ryan was still sleeping but I knew he would be getting up for work soon. I laid there quietly, just resting. I looked at my phone for a bit. A little while later - another tightening. "5:53 a.m. 20 minutes since the last time" I told myself. Ryan's alarm went off shortly after that and I told him that I had had 2 contractions and thought something might be happening. He got up and got dressed while I stayed in bed. The waves continued to come, anywhere from 15 to 30 minutes apart from each other. Around 7:00 a.m. I texted my mom and sister, as well as our birth photographer (who lives in Austin) "Been having a few contractions this morning...! Not totally convinced yet but wanted to give you a heads up!"

Took this photo thinking "The sun is rising on our BIRTHday, baby."

9:15 a.m. -  We loaded all 4 kids into the car and drove to Starbucks for a coffee run! This is something that we all do together quite often. Once we got into the car, I felt like my contractions started to space out a little bit, though when they did come they were a little bit stronger. They still really didn’t feel THAT much different from the BH contractions that I was used to. A little more period cramp-y, but also I could feel the contractions IN my vagina too. It was kind of hard to tell how frequent they were actually coming (sometimes if there is really light pressure or tightening it's hard to tell if it's an actual "contraction" or just normal pregnancy sensations.) I was feeling anxious - both good anxious and bad anxious - so it was hard to really relax! I was anxious-excited because obviously something was happening and I was really pumped for that, but also anxious-nervous just not knowing how things were going to feel and progress and I was of course nervous about actually giving birth! Once we got our coffee we drove to our usual spot to let the kids get out of the car and run around a bit. I started to feel a little more relaxed then. It felt so good to be with my little family doing what we always do and being together.

10:30ish - We arrived back home. Even though the waves weren't super strong and were still coming every 30ish minutes, I figured I should go ahead and call my midwife just to let her know that things were at least starting to warm up. (I definitely didn't want to end up in a situation where I waited until the last minute and didn't do my part to communicate what was happening!) So this was definitely more like a "Hey FYI" call and not a "Okay you need to come right now" kind of call. I called her just before 11:00 a.m. and she told me to keep her updated if anything changed! 

11:44 a.m.

I laid down on the couch and Ryan and the kids watched TV and played. Over the course of the next hour/hour and a half, I really only had a few small contractions, some only what I would consider "half contractions" (is that a thing??) On a notes page on my phone, I wrote down "11:35?" "11:57?" because I wasn't quite sure haha.  After 11:57 a.m., I just felt like I wasn't really feeling much. I thought things should be picking up more by now but they really weren't. At this point, I figured I would start to drive myself crazy by just sitting and waiting around...time was dragging by! I decided that maybe getting up and going to walk around Target would help things start to move along a bit.

12:27 p.m. - I texted our birth photographer that I was worried this wasn't really it! I told her hat I was tired of sitting there waiting and might need to distract myself at Target for a bit. The plan was for me to eat a snack and then head over there. 

Sometime over the course of the next 30 minutes, I became very aware that it was the middle of the day, the sun was shining bright and also I hadn't slept much the night before. I thought maybe it would be helpful for my body if I laid down in our bedroom in the dark for a bit and rested before going to Target. So about 1:00 p.m. I went into our room, closed the shades, laid down and dozed off.  

1:27 p.m. - I woke up to the start of a contraction and then very suddenly the baby jerked and at the same time I felt/heard a small "click" or pop. I was pretty certain that my water broke, though nothing was coming out of me (maybe the baby had just moved a funny way in there and that's what the weird click/pop was??)  I picked up my phone and called Ryan to tell him to come into the bedroom. I asked him to bring me a towel so I could walk to the bathroom, but when I stood up no fluid came out. I walked to the toilet and when I sat down saw that I was losing some of the mucus plug. "Okay SOMETHING is happening here..." and I decided to go lay back down to see what contractions were going to do. The next contraction that came was at 1:44 p.m., and shortly after that I told our birth photographer what was happening and that the Target trip was on hold!

1:52 p.m. - While still laying down, I felt a contraction and started to feel some fluid leaking out with it. Just some trickles here and there - but it was obvious that my water was breaking. After that contraction passed I texted our birth photographer and called my midwife and doula. Everyone was on their way!

I had another contraction at 1:59 p.m. and then decided to get in the shower to labor a bit in there. I stood for a few minutes, but then felt like I wanted to just get on my hands and knees. I grabbed a towel, got down on the shower floor and just let the water hit my back. It felt so good! I turned on some worship music, and moved my hips back and forth. About 5 minutes after getting into the shower, our birth photographer arrived! (This felt like a huge deal since no one made it the last time! I was sooo relieved that she was there and that she wasn't going to miss it.) While I was in the shower, I felt lots of verrrry small waves here and there and could kind of feel myself opening up? but nothing was really strong enough to say "wow that was a big contraction!" I never really know - does the warm water dull the sensations a bit because I'm so relaxed? OR am I too relaxed and slowing my labor down? I really don't think it's possible to be TOO relaxed in labor, but in those moments I think there is always a part of me that is afraid that when I'm not feeling anything that means that nothing is happening. Not wanting to risk "accidentally" stalling things, I decided to change it up and move somewhere else. 

2:20 p.m. - Ryan helped me get out of the shower and put on an adult diaper. I wasn't really leaking any fluid at this point, so it was more just in case. I got down on my knees and leaned over the bed. (It was almost the same spot where Serena was born so I must instinctively feel safest right there.) While laboring there, I decided to do a self-check just out of curiosity to get a feel for baby's position. I could tell her head was slightly more engaged than it had been the last few weeks, though it's not like she was coming out in that moment or anything. I had Ryan put a heating pad on my lower back and apply counter pressure during contractions.

At this point, my midwife and doula were not there yet. Between 2:25 p.m. and 2:30 p.m. I had 3 contractions. Not totally unmanageable, but there was loooots of pressure and I could feel my cervix/vagina opening up even more. Even though I wasn't feeling THAT much, something told me it wouldn't be that much longer. I just had a feeling I would start to feel a little pushy soon, so I really started wondering how far away my midwife was. I can remember thinking that I knew I COULD do this without her but that I really didn't want to again! In my head I was kind of thinking maybe we should call her to see how far out she was, but I couldn't quite get my brain to connect to my mouth and verbalize that, or pick up my phone and do it myself. Luckily, she walked in the door right after those 3 close contractions! It was around this time that I stopped tracking them. We also FaceTimed my mom in on Ryan's phone!

Shortly after my midwife got there, my doula arrived. She helped apply counter pressure with the heating pad and it felt SO good! (I even told her after a contraction - "That feels AMAZING!") I was breathing and moaning and rocking through contractions, while my doula provided lots of words of affirmation and reassured me that I was doing exactly what I was supposed to be doing. 

2:45 p.m. - My doula suggested I move over to a birth ball and lean over it. I started getting emotional, crying tears of joy knowing we would be meeting our baby so soon. I was so happy that everyone was there and that the day had been so peaceful. Labor has been so easy and simple. I told God I was ready. A couple of times my midwife held the doppler to my belly to check baby's heart rate, but I hardly noticed. 

3:06 p.m. - My midwife checked my dilation and I remember hearing her say I was complete. Even though I think I was already kind of letting my body push a little bit naturally with contractions, hearing her say that flipped a switch in my head and I knew with the next contraction I would be pushing. I felt ready.

3:07 p.m. - The next contraction started, I grabbed both of my doula's hands almost in an arm-wrestling position, and started pushing. I pushed hard. I could feel myself opening up so much more this time and it felt much slower. (Serena came out in one swoosh, so this felt different!) My midwife could tell that baby's head was coming out a little crooked and wasn't descending much with my push, so she had me pull a leg up into a lunge position. With the next contraction, a few more HARD pushes, and some cursing (me screaming "SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIT!!!" at the top of my lungs haha) baby's head was out! It was very intense and it did hurt! My birth team told me to pause and wait for the next contraction. 

3:09 p.m. - After a minute or so I felt the next contraction coming. I pushed what felt like 15 more pushes and out she came! It was so different really having to actually work to get her body out and not just having her slip out all at once. I remember thinking "why am I STILL pushing this body? How is she not out yet??" I thought this baby was surely the length of a school bus! Even though it FELT like it took her body was coming out soooo slowly, it was really only about 2 seconds of work. 

I took a second, while my brain caught up with my body and what had just happened. After a second or two I caught my breath and looked at my doula and said "Oh that REALLY hurt!" to which she responded SO kindly: "I'm SO sorry.... but it's all done now!" It makes me laugh every time I think about it. She's just so kind and SO empathetic, but also in that moment so honest. 😆 I really don't think I could have done this one by myself. I mean, I know I "could have" but I really did need my doula and midwife there for this birth, to support me through the pushing stage. I'm SO grateful they were there holding my hands this time. 

Ryan held baby while my midwife made sure her nose and mouth were clear, and then he handed her to me between my legs! I overhead my midwife say "There she is" to let me know to grab her, and I could also kind of see between her legs too, so between those two things it kind of registered in my brain that she was a girl. I pulled her up to my chest and just held her so close. In complete disbelief, I said "Oh my God it's another girl!!" I still had to check several times just to make sure though and also because I really couldn't believe it!

As I sat back, I could feel my stomach really hurting. It wasn't like a cramping pain but like a pain pain. And my vagina really hurt this time too. I remember saying out loud "my stomach hurts" and "my vagina hurts". She came out asynclitic and also had a really tiny soft spot so her head didn’t mold at all. I think those things contributed to pushing being a little harder/more painful this time. 

Wells came in the room and walked over to us. He was happy, but then it hit me that I was holding a baby girl and not a little buddy for him and I just felt so so sad. I was sad not that my baby was a girl but sad for Wells. I was so worried he was going to be upset. I just started sobbing. I didn't want him to be disappointed!

I was bleeding more than my midwife really wanted to see, so we kinda had to work to get my placenta out so she could start stitching me up. I have never felt an urge to push my placenta out, but this time I really had to FORCE it, (even though there was still no urge). I'm not sure if it was the position that I was in on the floor and not very comfortable or what but I really had to push hard, which did not feel good. After the placenta was delivered, I moved over to the bed.

3:30 p.m. - I started getting stitched up. I actually felt a HUGE amount of anxiety around this part this time (and if/when there is a next time I know I'm going to need a lot of help preparing for and managing this). I've always needed stitches after birth, but something this time made me feel really anxious about it. With Serena, I only needed one stitch. It took my breath away but it was only one. This time I needed 3. Even with the lidocaine injections it was very painful. Getting the shakes after birth is very normal (it's just from the hormones) and I have experienced that previously with some of my hospital births. However, this time I was SO shaky and I know it was truly because of the anxiety I was feeling and not from the hormones. It was very tough working through those stitches (and if you've ever had your vagina stitched up before you know there is a lot of time between each stitch which just makes it more of a drawn out thing!) but with the help of my doula and Ryan we got through all 3 stitches. 

After I got stitched up, I was still bleeding quite a bit, and my stomach still really hurt (again not cramping but just straight up pain). I got a shot of pitocin in the thigh. I don't really recall it making me feel any different though - no additional cramping or increase in uterine pain or anything. 

4:08 p.m. - The stitching was finally done and it was time to cut the umbilical cord. (The placenta had still been attached and in a chux pad next to me and baby.) This was the longest I have ever had a baby stay attached to the placenta, and I really liked getting to take our time and check out the cord as much as I wanted. Heidi and Wells wanted to come in so we asked both of them if they wanted to cut the cord. They both just wanted to watch, so I was able to cut it! Once the cord was cut, my midwife took baby over the her scale in our bathroom to be weighed. The kids then left with my mother in law, Ryan made me some food to eat and we had our first nursing session! (You really forget how STRONG little tiny babies are able to suck!) 

I was still feeling a lot of sadness over Wells not getting his little brother, so my midwife prayed over me and baby and that we would feel His peace. This was such a wonderful moment and I'm always so grateful that my midwife is able to support me in this way, calming my heart. 

Around 5:30 p.m. we had our herbal bath. It was much harder for me to relax in the tub this time around. I still felt really hyped up hormonally after the stitches and my body definitely felt like it had just pushed a baby out! After Serena was born, instantly it felt like nothing had happened, but this time around I really felt much more postpartum physically. I had a hard time just letting go and feeling at peace in the tub, so we didn't spend too much time there. I handed baby off and started to stand up but noticed I was dripping some blood. It wasn't EXCESSIVE, but it was a steady drip. (I kind of wonder now if it was just my position in the tub that caused the blood to pool a bit inside of me?) We didn't want to take any chances though so my midwife gave me some cytotec to chew up (yuck). After that I didn't have any more issues with bleeding too much, so I was thankful. 

I got out of the bath and I was helped back to bed. I finally felt like I was back to feeling relaxed now that I was tucked back into bed with my baby!

At 6:15 p.m. we hugged our entire birth team, said our goodbyes and then it was just the 3 of us. At home, peacefully in bed snuggling our sweet new babe. 

It really was just the most perfect and relaxing day. Even though the pushing felt harder this time, the rest of labor was almost entirely painless. It was such a beautiful simple and EASY birth and I am so grateful for everything God has done to lead us on our journey to bringing new life into this world. This pregnancy was unexpected, but I have faith that this was/is HIS timing, and I don't think I would change it even if I could. 

Welcome to the world Baby Melody!! We are SO glad you are here. 

The 6 Week Postpartum Visit

The 6 week postpartum visit is a very special day to me these days and I want to explain why that is... because I don't think I am alone in my experience/feelings and I want people to know that there's something else (better) out there.

It all goes back to my 3rd baby.

My pregnancy with Cami was a very difficult one. It was so lonely and life had been flipped upside down. It was already a very dark time for me. I was however, still looking forward to giving birth to her, hopeful that it would give me all of those "on top of the world" feelings that birth had in the past and that it would be the positive experience I needed to close that difficult chapter. Spoiler alert - it wasn't. Even though it was our 3rd hospital birth, it was the first one that my actual OB was there for the delivery (which she knew I was excited about!) and also our first time having Ryan assist with catching! I birthed a 9 lb. 3 oz. baby (unmedicated!) yet I still left the hospital feeling completely deflated. (There were a lot of reasons why I felt that way, but I know it's because I felt alone and unsupported throughout the entire pregnancy and birth experience.)

At 6 weeks postpartum, I was grasping at straws - looking for ANY sort of validation, support, encouragement, recognition - anything to make me feel like I mattered. I was excited for my 6 week checkup. (During the birth, my OB had commented on Cami's size but she left before we had weighed her - I was excited to see her and also to share with her how much she ended up weighing!) I don't know why, but for some reason I had this weird need for approval or something from my OB. I think I just wanted to feel seen.

I had a lot of bleeding in the first few months postpartum. My body was way out of whack and I struggled with the constant starting/stopping of very heavy bleeding for about 4 months after Cami was born. At the time of this 6 week appointment I was bleeding. After a short wait in the waiting room, I was led to the exam room. I told the nurse that I was still bleeding and she said it was okay and that I should still undress so my OB could do an exam. She placed a chux pad on the table and left the room. I undressed, put on the paper "gown" to cover myself up and climbed on the table. For 45 minutes (maybe longer?) I waited on the table, sitting in my own blood, naked from the waist down with only a thin paper drape to keep me warm. 

My OB finally came in. "Hi there. How's everything going? What are we doing for birth control?" That was basically it. Nothing personal, just another patient, another number. In and out as quickly as possible. "Okay you can workout, you can have sex. Off you go!" - isn't that how it always goes, that ONE postpartum check up at 6 weeks pp? With an OB, that's all the 6 week appointment is supposed to be - I know this - but most of the time we just need so much more than that. I left that appointment feeling like the absolute smallest person in the entire world. I felt like I didn't matter at all. To anyone, anywhere (except my husband). My experience didn't matter. Our birth didn't matter. How I felt didn't matter. I went and picked up my 2 older kids from preschool and we just drove. (There were a lot of things that pushed me over the edge with my postpartum depression, but this was absolutely one of them.) We drove and drove and I just cried and cried. I really struggled at the time to put into words how I was feeling - or at least WHY I was feeling that way. (It wasn't until a year or two later that I really began to understand.) I felt so let down. But I also knew it was silly to expect anything more. 

When I was pregnant with my 4th baby, we made the switch to midwifery care. After a miraculous and incredible birth, a pregnancy where I was supported and cared for and prayed over and loved, we showed up to the birth center for my 6 week appointment basically to visit with a good friend. In addition to checking up on physical health, we talked about the birth, we laughed, we (I) cried. We talked about baby, my mental health, how I was adjusting, how the other kids were adjusting, how Ryan was doing mentally, how he felt like he was bonding with this new baby and how we were doing as a couple. And this most recent time was no different! It's truly amazing. With a midwife, the 6 week postpartum visit is NOT an appointment for someone to give you permission to workout and have sex. (In fact, there isn't even an exam unless a pap is due/desired.) It's a time to feel supported, nurtured and cared for. SEEN. "How ARE you? How are you REALLY? Let's talk about it. How can I support you?" It's not goodbye, it's not the end of the chapter, the end of healing or the end of postpartum. It's just a continuation of all of those things. When I leave those appointments with my midwife, she says "Call me! Text me Let me know how things are going! Let's check in and chat! I am still here for you."

So on these days (2, so far) where I have met my midwife for the 6 week postpartum visit, I celebrate. Oh how we celebrate it. It is a day for so much joy and remembrance. I acknowledge how far I've come. I think back to how empty and meaningless those check ups used to be for me, and celebrate how completely opposite they are now, with a this kind of care. I take time to just be thankful. Thankful that I am in a place to receive care from the loving hands and heart of a midwife, and it's just... indescribable. It feels so right to me. And my hope is that if anyone else out there, who has left that 6 week appointment with their OB and felt lost, disappointed, questioned things or wondered why it feels so empty - know that there is so much more out there and you aren't alone.

  

My Postpartum Plan

Lisa LeBaron Photography and Film

After 4 babies and 4 very different postpartum experiences (and having a horrific experience with postpartum depression after having my 3rd baby) I have spent the last several years really diving DEEP into learning about and understanding fully the postpartum phase. I've learned from my own experiences, from other cultures, from books and from other women. I know what postpartum is supposed to look like (and also what it's NOT).  I thought it would be helpful (for myself mostly, but possibly someone else out there) to summarize how the things that I have learned have translated into what we plan and prepare for! Laying this foundation of healing and nurturing is SO necessary, and I truly believe that if more women treated (and respected!) postpartum this way we would see a significant decrease in ppd/ppa/postpartum mood disorders. 

To quote a previous blog post written after I had given birth to my 4th baby: "In the past, I have gauged a "successful" postpartum experience by how "normal" I felt, how many normal activities/routines I could get back to and how quickly I could get back to them. I have previously bragged about pushing Heidi around in a grocery cart and grocery shopping 5 days after giving birth to Wells. I thought that's what it meant that things were going well. And while yes I can still look back at the fact that I was feeling well enough physically and emotionally to do that as a blessing - I didn't need to be doing that. That's not how you allow your body and soul to heal and be restored. This time, I'm bragging about how much time I'm spending in bed - and I think that's how it's supposed to be when you have a brand new baby." 

***A side note on the topic of postpartum: I would like to encourage EVERY woman who is pregnant, plans to be pregnant one day, a person who is married/committed to someone pregnant, or really anyone who will be in close contact with a woman through the birth and immediate postpartum experiences to read the book "The Fourth Trimester" by Kimberly Ann Johnson. This is quite possibly one of THE most important resources out there when it comes to just simply understanding the postpartum experience and also how to plan and prepare for it. I also found it very healing, reassuring and validating reading it for the first time after my experience with postpartum depression following the birth of my third baby. The author is able to put words to things that are hard to express, and really helps to shed light on what the TRUE postpartum needs are. I wish, OH how I wish, that women spent even just a quarter of the amount of time planning for (or just learning about) the postpartum phase as they do planning for baby. I wish so badly that I had prepared/set guidelines for my first 3 postpartum experiences the way I do now, but especially with my first!***

Okay, onto the plan! I break down my postpartum experience into 4 different phases: The first 15 days, days 15-40, day 40-3 months, and months 4-12 and beyond. 

 The First 15 days

The first 15 days is a "lying in" period - "5 days in the bed, 5 days on the bed and 5 days around the bed."  

- Days 1-5 In the Bed: The first 5 days, I am not getting out of bed except to use the bathroom and bathe. I don't get up to get myself food, I don't get up to answer the door, I don't get up for anything. Everything is brought to me or handled by someone else. If you come to visit baby and me (which, typically visitors are very much welcome and healthy for me!) WE WILL BE HANGING OUT IN THE MASTER BEDROOM AND I WILL BE IN BED - PROBABLY UNDER THE COVERS!

- Days 5-10 On the Bed: I still spend almost all of my time in or on the bed. I might move to the couch to visit with a friend here and there but then return immediately to bed. I might sit outside for a few minutes, lay on the floor to do some breath work or ride along in the car with Ryan to pick up groceries or coffee (but no getting out of the car), and I always return straight to bed afterwards if any of these things happen. I am always sitting or laying down. All meals are still eaten in bed.

- Days 10-15 Around the Bed: Most of my time is still spent in bed. I will let myself be out in public for very brief periods of time if it happens, but with Ryan and baby at my side the whole time. Sitting inside our usual Starbucks (where we know the employees) with Ryan for 10 minutes, or maybe a very quick little lunch date with Ryan and baby is okay, depending on how I feel. IF any of those outside-of-the-house things do happen, Ryan and I both know that if/when things start to feel like a little bit too much, I start to get emotional or suddenly feel too exhausted that means it's time to bail and tuck me back into bed with baby. That's expected and okay! During days 10-15, I'm basically either in bed, in the room next to my bed or on my way back to bed. 

Days 15-40
- I still do not do any cooking, cleaning or exercise. All outings are kept simple and I am only "showing up" to things outside of the house and nothing more (no bringing baked goods to a gathering or worrying about a birthday present for a kids' party or anything like that). JUST showing up is enough. This is also usually about the time that Ryan goes back to work as well, so I am responsible for getting the kids to and from where they need to go during the week. If/when we are invited somewhere and I feel like attending, it must be a safe space, with people that I know and who know me. My baby will be with me or within sight the entire time. This is all VERY important.

Days 40-3mos (4th trimester)
- The rest of the "4th trimester" lasts through the end of the 3rd month. I still take it easy during this time. Small jogs are okay if I feel up for it and have stopped bleeding, but I do not allow myself to do any high intensity workouts regardless of how great I might think I feel. (And if at any point I start spotting or bleeding that is an indication to me to not only stop but to slow down and rest MORE than I had been.) The 5 universal postpartum needs are still prioritized, in order to nourish my body and my soul but also so that I can continue to remind myself that the 4th trimester is still VERY freshly postpartum. (The 5 needs are - extended rest period, nourishing food, loving touch, the presence of wise women and spiritual companionship and contact with nature.)

3 mos - 12 mos (and beyond)
- I don't have a lot of specific rituals or guidelines for myself for this time period, other than just acknowledging that the first year is still delicate and that I'm still in the postpartum period. I do not allow myself to run any half marathons in those first 12 months after giving birth, as it's important to give my body the proper chance to heal before putting it through the rigors of training/running those longer distances. I also always struggle with feeling the distance grow my pregnancy/birth experiences and my "new life", so I like to celebrate little milestones/anniversaries here and there to acknowledge their significance and stay connected to them. I don't usually plan those out ahead of time though, just do little things here and there as it feels right. 

For the first time ever, I also made a little postpartum basket for myself so I thought I would share what I put inside! 

I tried to include a few of the "necessities" but also a few self-care items as well! (Half of these items will end up living in the bathroom but for now they can all hang out together!)  I've got some foot masks, my Frida Mom upside down peri bottle, some super plus pads, comfy Frida Mom disposable undies, a printed version of my in-depth postpartum care plan (this is much more detailed plan my therapist and I worked together on, including sleep priorities, who is responsible for what, phone numbers of support people, etc.) I've got some super soft washable nursing pads in there for the early days, but after my milk comes in I usually have to use disposables bc I leak SO much and nothing will hold that much leaked milk except disposables! I also have my favorite water cup, as well as some of my favorite nursing snacks! I feel like every nursing mom has "her" go-to breastfeeding snacks (to the point where it's almost ritual or tradition!) but mine are Clif Kid Zfruit fruit ropes and (not pictured) these no-bake energy bites! Man I just can't get enough of either one of those and Ryan always brings me some (plus other snacks) for every middle of the night nursing sesh and frequently throughout the day! Proper nourishment, snacking and hydration are crucial in those early nursing days and that combined with tons of baby snuggles is SOO good for establishing a solid milk supply! I also picked up some of my fave Trader Joe's snacks - chocolate coconut covered almonds and dark chocolate covered blueberries :). I also have a sitz spray, sitz bath herbs for baths, my favorite tea and a copy of the the "Well Mom Checklist" provided by the Center for Postpartum Family Health/my therapist.  I found a cute new basket at Target that makes me feel happy to put everything in. I love just pulling all of this out, staring at it and picturing a restful postpartum period with all my goodies by my side and of course allll the new baby snuggles. 

While I am always a little nervous to enter into the postpartum period, I feel like at this point I am as prepared as one can possibly be. I have such a DEEP understanding (and respect) for not only what I need but what all women need postpartum. We've done the work (both mental and physical) and we're as ready as we'll ever be! 

To read a little bit more in depth about what all of this looks like check out this blog post I wrote after I gave birth to Serena: Postpartum Thoughts and Our First 15 Days

If you're curious about my experience with postpartum depression you can read about that here: My Postpartum Depression

Prenatal Care with a Midwife: Weeks 20-28

Continued from Prenatal Care with a Midwife: Weeks 4-18

For those curious, I wanted to share a quick follow up regarding what prenatal care with a midwife looks like and how it compares to seeing an OB! (And just in case I hadn't mentioned it before, I did want to point out that all of my prenatal appointments with my midwife are roughly an hour long. I just love the care and attention that midwives provide, and the personal relationship that forms during these times together is truly incomparable! Such a different feel and environment from the in-and-out experience in a solely medical-based setting!)

20 week ultrasound

Just like with an OB, at 20 weeks a full anatomy scan is done to count fingers and toes (and of course all the other parts too)! Since I work with a midwife through a local birth center, I go to the birth center where a sonographer performs the scan. The results are then sent off for full analysis! Since we chose not to know the gender, the sonographer checks those parts first (while Ryan, my midwife and I look away from the screen). No one knows the gender of our baby except the sonographer and God - it's even a surprise for our midwife! We saw baby opening and closing his/her mouth, with feet all the way up next to the head! Pictures and videos on our cell phones were welcome, so we have a few of those in addition to the printed out photos! (Also, even though masks are optional and I am fully vaccinated, I had a head cold for the anatomy scan and didn't want to infect the sonographer or my midwife so I wore a mask!)

22 week appointment

As I mentioned previously, "my" midwife now works alongside 2 other midwives at the birth center to form a team of 3, so of course there are a few appointments scheduled with these other 2 ladies so that I'm familiar with them as well, just in case they happen to be the ones to attend our birth! This week my appointment was with the "third" midwife BUT I actually already kind of know her, so it was still a familiar face! (Several years ago, she came to our house to do a "postpartum sealing ceremony" after my birth and PPD experience with Cami, my third. It was an AMAZING and truly healing experience!) I think it's so cool that she works at the birth center now, as she wasn't when I had met her previously! At this appointment, we reviewed the radiologists report regarding the anatomy scan (everything looks great!). Since Ryan and I also opted for genetic testing via blood work, we reviewed all of those results as well! Thankfully, everything there came back normal also. After reviewing all of the results, we proceeded with all the routine "check up" things - weight check, urinalysis, blood pressure check, fundal height measurement (measuring the size of the uterus) and listening to baby's heartbeat all included! My uterus measured closer to 20 weeks, but +/- 2 weeks is completely normal. 

26 week appointment

This time I met with my "main" midwife again. It was good to see her! Even though she was with us at the anatomy scan it felt like it have been forever since I had had a routine appointment with her! We did all the usual (checked weight, urine, BP, fundal height and baby's heartbeat) reviewed my diet and exercise routines and also talked about my emotional/mental health. We then discussed the glucose test which would take place at my next appointment (28 weeks). After this appointment, I would be switching to having appointments every 2 weeks - third trimester baby!! My midwife gave me the bottle of glucola to take home (the kool-aid-like drink you have to drink before the blood test) as well as instructions on what to eat that morning and when, what time to drink the glucola at home, and what time the blood draw at my next appointment would be! My midwife also felt for baby's position, and guessed that baby was still breach (not that it matters at all at this point it's just fun to know!)

28 week appointment

This week, I met with the "third" midwife again and did all the normal routine stuff. About halfway through the appointment, exactly 1 hour after I had ingested the glucola at home, she drew my blood for the glucose test. She also felt around for baby's position, and it seemed like baby might already be head down, though she didn't act 100% convinced quite yet (and again - doesn't matter knowing at this point it's just interesting/for fun!) 

A few days later, I found out that I did NOT pass the glucose test. This was a first for me as I have always passed first shot with my 4 previous pregnancies. It's definitely not uncommon to fail the first test but pass the second (longer) test, so I wasn't overly panicked but hopeful that the second test wouldn't show any issues. My midwife called to give me 2 options, (either use a blood glucose meter and check my blood sugar 3 times a day for a week OR come in and do a 2 or 3 hour glucose test). I ended up deciding to start with a 2 hour glucose test and see how that went. (I opted for 2 hours instead of 3 hours bc I would have all 4 kids with me that day!) I did this test completely fasting, went to the birth center for the baseline draw and to drink the glucola there this time. I drove around for an hour with the kids, then returned to the birth center for the next blood draw - exactly 1 hour after the baseline draw/glucola. After another hour of driving around we returned to the birth center for the next draw - exactly 2 hours after the baseline draw/glucola. After all was said and done I PASSED this time! Even though it felt like a very long and draining day, shuffling kids in and out of the birth center and just being out of the house, I was/am SO grateful!!

Just like with an OB, appointments will continue every 2 weeks, until we get to that last month of pregnancy (36 weeks) and then we will switch to weekly appointments! 

Up next: Weeks 30-34!

First Half Marathon with Baby #5!

13.1 miles. 
2:11:25 (including a bathroom stop in the woods😆). 
18 weeks pregnant. 

WE DID IT!! This past weekend, baby and I ran our first half marathon together! Here are just a few pictures from race day!

Ready to race! Hubby got me a hotel within walking distance to the start line and that made race day SO much more enjoyable!! (Also, I made the switch to bike shorts for running this pregnancy and already loving it! So much better than trying to run in running shorts!)

Waiting to start! Corrals were SO spread out to keep everyone safely distanced... my corral was so far from the start line that we were all the way up on the 3rd floor of a parking garage! 

See you in 13.1! A little bit different looking start line this time around...this race is always so well put together but I was very impressed with how well organized and coordinated everything was this year in spite of the circumstances!

Finished!! The weather could not have been more PERFECT for running and this course is just so great!! Finally running an in person race felt absolutely incredible and I am so thankful that baby and I had a such smooth and easy run! 

Even though I am vaccinated and protected against COVID I still greatly appreciated the fact that masks were required for all and that I didn't have to share air with someone that I didn't know where they had been hah! So SO grateful for everything that needed to happen in order for this LIVE RACE to take place!! (I really would have done pretty much ANYTHING to run an in person race so a mask and keeping my distance from others seemed like a pretty simple request haha!) It was seriously so exciting - finally! 

I felt super emotional after finishing so I let myself just BATHE in those post race (/pregnancy!) hormones and runners high! I stood at the finish line for a while and watched all of the FULL marathoners working hard to cross the finish line before the 3 hour mark (what?!?!?!) It was so incredible to see them break 3 hours and I just soaked up ALL the feelings and let myself cry as I watched them! I felt proud of them and proud of myself!!

Love this race! Looking forward to the next one :).

Prenatal Care With a Midwife: Weeks 4-18

After experiencing prenatal care/birth through both a physician (babies 1, 2 & 3) and a midwife (baby #4) we have chosen midwifery care again for baby #5! To be completely honest, I kind of miss that being our "secret". With my last baby, I didn't broadcast that information - that at 12 weeks we had switched care to a midwife and were choosing to birth out of hospital for the first time. It was a very personal choice and not one that I was open to hearing other people's opinions or judgement about, and I really liked getting to choose who we shared that information with. Also, there is of course, always a chance of that plan needing to change should an issue arise and I guess maybe I didn't want to "jinx" things by shouting it from the rooftops? Especially since that was a new/foreign experience for us. Since it's not really a "secret" this time, I want to share a bit about what my prenatal midwife appointments look like.

I think when people hear that a woman is receiving prenatal care with a midwife, the automatic assumption is that she is receiving LESS care than she would if seeing an OB. (I know I probably thought that at some point in my life!) This is in fact quite the opposite. (Obviously, I'm speaking about low-risk pregnancies, this would clearly not ring true in a high-risk situation.) After multiple experiences with an OB as well as a midwife, I can honestly say that as a low-risk pregnancy person I receive MORE care and attention, both medically and emotionally, through midwifery care than through standard healthcare. Over the course of 1.5 pregnancies, I have really loved not only how personal midwifery care is, but as someone who is fairly practical (and married to someone who is very practical) I really appreciate how thorough it is as well. 

So what does that mean? Before experiencing it myself, I just wasn't sure what to expect. "Does XYZ happen? What about ___? My OB tests for this... does a midwife do the same? What am I 'missing out on' by NOT seeing an OB?? What sort of routine testing actually occurs? Are we just totally winging it with a midwife, hoping and praying everything works out okay? How does all of this work?" I'll start from the beginning...!

Even when choosing a midwife for prenatal care, I personally still prefer to confirm the pregnancy through my OB with an ultrasound. This is mostly because I want to make sure everything is where it needs to be and if anything looks off right off the bat, then I'm already where I need to be to receive medical care (ex. ectopic pregnancy or another condition in which surgery might be required). Also, I DO want to maintain my status as an active patient at my OB's office, so that's a good way to "get a visit in" so they don't drop me as a patient after not seeing me for a certain period of time! So, I did that this time as well. When I found out about this current pregnancy (baby #5), my midwife did run blood work to test my hCG at 4 weeks and we set a date for my first official appointment with her. Then at 8 weeks I saw the CNM (midwife) at my OB's office for an ultrasound. (Though, I declined the bloodwork and STD vaginal swab/pap there at that time, since I had just had a pap a few months prior.)

First Midwife Appointment! - 10 weeks pregnant

At 10 weeks pregnant, I had my first official appointment with my midwife. Ryan was able to be there and somehow we didn't have to bring any kids with us! Each appointment always starts off with a urinalysis and weight check, just like at the doctor's office. I take down my own weight on the scale in the bathroom, and bring the urine test stick to my midwife for her to review. Since this first appointment was the initial intake, we also reviewed my medical history extensively and made sure nothing had changed in the last year and a half. We discussed what I typically eat for meals, how much water I drink and my exercise routines. We talked about how I had been sleeping, how I had been feeling physically and my midwife asked me a few more questions about my current physical health. We talked about prenatal vitamins/supplements and some ways to cope with heartburn! We also talked about my emotional health, how I was coping with the news of this pregnancy and just what had been going on in my life. Then I moved over to the exam table, where a physical exam was done. BP, HR and pulse are always taken at every appointment, but this being the first appointment it was a little more in depth. Then we listened to baby with a fetal doppler (that's abdominal not vaginal) and my midwife took my blood to run some bloodwork. Though, I again opted out of the vaginal swab/STD check, Ryan and I still chose to do genetic testing, so my midwife took additional blood for that as well. 

Note: Some OBs will do a nuchal fold scan (or NT scan) around 13 weeks, but a lot don't. This ultrasound examines the fluid at the base of baby's neck, and abnormal results can indicate a potential chromosomal abnormality. My OB is one that does typically offer this scan, so in the past I was used to having that. This is probably one of the only differences in care that I have noticed in my own experience with an OB and midwife. Since we already opted for genetic testing, and many people that I know personally do not get the 13 week scan, I have never felt concerned with "missing out" on this testing. The results of this particular scan wouldn't affect our decisions to proceed with the pregnancy anyways.

Appointment #2 - 14 weeks pregnant

Without going into too much detail, prior to my appointment there were some things that made that day very difficult. I was really struggling emotionally with feeling like this baby matters or that me or this pregnancy was/is a priority. I had been crying prior to arriving at my appointment, but once I sat down in my midwife's office and she asked me how I was doing I burst into tears again. (Ryan wasn't able to attend this appointment bc he needed to stay with the kids.) We probably spent about 15 minutes talking about what I was struggling with, while I cried and my midwife held my hands, listened and then prayed over me and baby. I then got up to go weigh myself and do the urinalysis. We discussed allll of the results from the bloodwork from my previous visit, went over my diet, water intake, exercise, sleep, etc. from the previous 4 weeks. My HR, BP and pulse were taken, we listened to baby, scheduled my next appointment and then I snapped a picture of the model of how big our baby is currently. 

Appointment #3 - 18 weeks pregnant

At this appointment, I met with a different midwife than I usually do. The birth center that I go to has recently started a "rolling" on call schedule, so of course they want you to be familiar with all of the midwives there! This was my first time meeting with someone else there but it was just as enjoyable. The appointment began with the usual weight check and urine test. We discussed whether anything had changed since my last visit whether with diet, exercise, water intake, etc. HR, BP and pulse were taken and we listened to baby's heart beat. Everything was pretty standard and not much different from my previous appointment. While, I of course missed "MY" midwife I enjoyed getting to meet with someone new! I will be meeting with another midwife next visit as well, but it's actually one that I have a previous experience with ;). Yay! I'm excited to continue to share more about our prenatal care moving forward!

Up next: Anatomy scan @ 20 weeks! 

Continued here: Prenatal Care With a Midwife: Weeks 20-28

Finding out about Baby #5

"The God who calls you is also the One who will enable you to do His will" 

- Henry Blackaby on 1 Thess. 5:24

***PLEASE READ THIS PARAGRAPH ENTIRELY BEFORE SCROLLING: We are officially on our way to becoming a family of SEVEN! So nuts. Rather than start with my usual "basic details" post, I decided to just jump straight into sharing in depth about HOW this happened, our initial reactions/emotions as well as how God is working through this situation. (If you do not wish to know details about our sex life do NOT read this!!!) But on a more important note: It is NEVER my intention to cause anyone any sadness, grief or negative feelings. I feel that it is important that I mention right off the bat that if you are struggling with infertility or are currently suffering from trauma or PTSD from a previous infertility or pregnancy loss experience and are feeling especially vulnerable right now, this may not be the right time for you to read this post. While I would never EVER be ungrateful for a baby, there were a lot negative feelings and tears as I struggled to wrap my mind around this very unexpected pregnancy - and I talk about that here, because it is SO important to me to be completely honest in this space.  If you feel that reading more details about this could be triggering for you, please come back and read this another time down the road if/when the time feels right. What I do know, is that God doesn't make mistakes. There is not a single pregnancy or baby that comes to be (ever!) that is NOT created by Him. I know that He works for our good and for all of those that DO read this post, I want to encourage you to read this post in its entirety. Because He is so so good and I want to give Him all the glory for leading us to and through bringing another life into the world. This whole story is just so...bizarre to me and I know in my heart that the only explanation for ALL of this is God. We can do everything "right" but as humans, there is nothing that we can do the stand in the way of His will and plans. 

Okay let's jump in!

The weekend before Thanksgiving, I had been in Austin visiting a friend and running a "virtual" 10K together. While driving home, I saw the DEEPEST most intensely colored rainbow I have ever seen in my life. It actually startled me when I saw it and it physically took my breath away. The pictures I took really don't do it justice. I got super emotional over how beautiful it was! This was a bit odd for me but I really didn't think much of it. 

 

When I got home that Sunday night, it was late and I was tired. I came across the cutest little book Heidi had made for/about one of her friends. It was SO sweet and also made me tear up! Throughout our entire marriage, I've always taken pregnancy tests frequently, just to rule it out. It's just something that I do routinely - like shaving my legs or painting my nails or something. Sometimes I think "okay MAYBE there's a tiny chance bc I feel off, even though it's probably in my head or from something else" but this was NOT one of those times. I really didn't give it any thought but just said to myself "I'll take one before I shower, it's physically impossible that it's positive but just a routine check since I keep tearing up but I know I'm just tired" basically. I actually don't even think I gave it THAT much thought. Again, not abnormal, though looking back now it does seem odd that I even decided to test then since I really wasn't having any pregnancy symptoms, or had missed a period or anything like that (my period wasn't due for another 10 days!!) 

ANYWAY, I turned the shower on, grabbed a cheapy test and went into the bathroom. I placed the test on the floor, looked down and immediately saw a second line. I picked it up and must have blinked a thousand times. HOW?? This couldn't be right. There's just NO way. There is NO possible way. This is not happening. I thought something must be wrong with the test or I was imagining things or SOMETHING. I opened the door and yelled for Ryan. (This was definitely not one of those times to sit on the positive test and wait and tell your husband in a cutesy way.) I was experiencing full blown panic and could NOT deal alone. "BABE. COME. HERE. I NEED YOU TO COME HERE." He came in..."I need you to look at this"!!! Full on panic mode. I've probably taken tens if not hundreds of pregnancy tests over the course of our marriage, and it is IMMEDIATELY obvious to me when something is different (not that it takes a rocket scientist to read a pregnancy test anyway) but even the faintest line is a BIG glaring unmistakable flashing light sign. And this was no faint line.

I couldn't feel my legs. My feet were numb. My heart was racing. My mouth was wide open and my hands on my head. "HOW?!" I was standing in the bathroom butt naked while Ryan looked at the test. To sum up his response: "Oh it's fine, no worries!" (He's just so great, y'all.) Well, I think what he actually said was "This is good! It's going to be okay this is great!!" I said "WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU THIS IS NOT OKAY!!!!!" After a few minutes of standing, shocked, I lost almost all feeling in my feet and legs. I made my way over to the shower, and just stood there for about 20 minutes with my mouth still open and a hand on my head.  "HOW did this happen? WHEN did this happen??" I kept asking out loud. "HOW?!?! I don't understand! God, WHAT is happening?!" (You know that scene in Friends, where Rachel tells Ross she's pregnant? I WAS Ross y'all!!)

I know that if a cheapy is showing a line that my hCG is at least more than 24ish... I usually find out I'm pregnant when my hCG is 7 and First Response tests are barely picking it up! (My motto has always been "cheapies are great if you're already late!" They are not good at "early" detection.) It just didn't seem like a cheapy should be picking up my hCG if I wasn't even due for my period for another 9-10 days!! So although it was pretty obvious, I just didn't trust it and was also in utter shock and denial. I know that false positives aren't really a thing but I knew was going to need a LOT more confirmation regardless. While I showered, I had Ryan run to the store for some more legit tests. 

So here's where it gets personal... First of all, at the time of this positive pregnancy test, keep in mind that I'm breastfeeding my 10 month old baby. My cycles are 45 days long. Breastfeeding hormones bring my sex drive wayyyyyy down to where it's almost nonexistent. Plus add the stress of this year and Ryan being sick during a UC flare up...we just weren't having sex! Over the course of the 6 weeks prior to this pregnancy test, we had sex one time. ONE time. (Which, even when I'm breastfeeding that's abnormally low for us hah!) And we used the same prevention that we've always used - a diaphragm with spermicide. And we have put that thing to the TEST you guys. Soooo many times/months over the last 8 years we have had sex at and around when I KNOW I'm ovulating and that thing did it's job. But there was just SOMETHING about this time... I don't know what it was. Something happened. And all I can say is that it was God. What are the odds, honestly? 10 months postpartum, breastfeeding, wonky long cycles, sex once in 6 weeks, plus a diaphragm. And spermicide?!? (a method which has worked for us for almost our entire marriage and never ever failed). It is just so so insane to me. 

I have never been so shocked in my life. This was SO unexpected. There were a LOT of emotions for me to process and, I'll be honest, none of them were positive (at first). 

Of course there was a level of embarrassment. I mean, who has an "oops" baby with #5?? I always assumed if we ever had another "surprise" baby (and of course we would NEVER LOL) it would be because we were being irresponsible or having extreme amounts of sex. We were doing neither! And in all honesty, these days there is typically a small part of me that is almost afraid to have sex in that first year postpartum because I AM scared of getting pregnant "too soon" or before I feel ready (and I don't do synthetic hormones or IUDs in case you are wondering.) Knowing we are both so crazy fertile, I don't exactly fight those breastfeeding hormones that bring my sex drive down hah! It's embarrassing to think that people will assume that we are just plain stupid or don't understand how things work. Even though that's NOT the case, it's still embarrassing. And embarrassing that we did everything we were "supposed to do" and still couldn't stop this from happening. I don't know why but initially I felt some shame in that.

In addition to embarrassment, there is of course fear. Fear of judgement and of what other people will think. Fear of what people will say. Fear of the comments strangers, friends and/or family will make. Fear that people will see 5 kids and automatically assume we didn't want that many (not true). (Which, I know what other people think "doesn't matter" but it is still rude/hurtful sometimes. "Haven't figured out how that works yet, huh?" "Is your husband going to get fixed now??" "Wow really got your hands full!" "Y'all must not have cable!" People just think they are SO funny.) Then, there is of course the fear that I won't be able to do it... I haven't had enough time to really even begin to figure out 4 kids yet, if I'm being real. How will I be able to make 5 work?? I know what it's like to have 2 babies 18 months apart, I've done it before. The logistics of the age gap itself doesn't really scare me... but... what does scare me is 5 kids 7 years old and under. That is so intense! I didn't "choose" for that to happen and that's hard and scary. There is also the fear of what it will look like to put my body through another pregnancy when it hasn't recovered from the last one yet. Especially with the way 2020 went, this year has FLOWN by even faster than usual. It feels like I was JUST pregnant yesterday. I JUST did this. I KNOW it takes a year (or two or three!) for your body to recover from carrying and birthing another human - despite what the world and other women lead you to believe about this! I had the most perfect pregnancy, birth and postpartum experiences with Serena, how can I turn around and expect to have another amazingly positive experience with another baby so soon - with less time to prepare and less intention?? I fear I am just getting set up for a difficult and uphill pregnancy, birth and postpartum experiences physically and emotionally (much like the last time I got pregnant somewhat unexpectedly 9 months after giving birth). Life is also pretty isolating right now and while, I hope that changes soon I've done a pregnancy "alone" before and don't have a desire to do that again. There is fear in that, knowing what I've been through before.

There was of course also confusion, anger, disappointment, sadness, grief and plenty tears. I felt sorry for myself. I felt sorry for my body. I felt so sorry and guilty for my brand new baby who wasn't even a year yet...that my attention would be diverted away from her. After the news, I spent the first several days in bed crying. Ryan went to work (luckily only 2 days that week though thanks to my birthday and Thanksgiving) while I laid in bed and the kids managed to entertain themselves in the other room with toys and books and TV. I just couldn't function. 

I called my midwife and told her I really wasn't sure when this happened. I was pretty convinced at first that it DIDN'T happen in November because we used protection that ONE time. It just seemed so impossible and I was really holding out hope that our birth control method hadn't failed us (even though I knew that chances were slim that I was farther along and just hadn't noticed). I was hopeful that I was farther along than I was because I thought it would seem easier to wrap my mind around this if it had happened back in October, when we were having more sex and not being quite as careful. That would just make so much more SENSE to me. And I needed this to just make sense. (Plus, when you live in Houston a June due date seems like a much easier pill to swallow than an August one haha.)  Anyway, over the phone we decided I was most likely either 9 weeks or 4 weeks. She had me come into the birth center and we attempted an ultrasound but came up empty handed, which added to the confusion and fear a bit (for a couple of different reasons). My midwife also took a blood sample to run my hCG. The next morning she texted me. 126. My hCG was 126. When I got the text, it felt like a huge blow. I burst into tears. Sitting in the Starbucks drive through line I just cried my eyes out. I just didn't understand. This didn't make sense. How can I be 4 weeks pregnant? How can my body even be ready to do this again? How can God think I'm ready to do this again? Physically? And then to parent FIVE children?? 

hCG of 126.

The next day (my birthday) we went back to the birth center to run my hCG again. I sobbed into my midwife's arms. She validated my feelings, encouraged me and prayed over baby and me. A few days later (after Thanksgiving) the numbers came back at 331. More than double. So that made it all but certain that I was 4 weeks pregnant. Birth control failed. Due August 1 based on conception date.

It's been a HUGE roller coaster since that first week. I also had quite a bit of spotting which just added to the roller coaster. Honestly, it's a miracle I survived the emotional toll those first few weeks took on me! 

But listen. Here's where it gets good. I told God a long time ago that my physical body - my uterus specifically - was His to use for His glory. And it was a prayer that I meant. (It was actually back in 2016 that I remember praying that prayer with my whole heart - on a drive home from Austin, ironically.) Of course my human self responds to this current situation with "But...God I didn't mean like THIS. I didn't mean NOW...I meant on MY terms. I meant like, surrogacy or something. I didn't mean it like this!" But that's my humanness. And it's fear. (And I know He's pointing a finger and smiling, saying "But YOU said....!") But at the same - I know what I told God. I know what it meant when I prayed that to Him. I mean, I didn't really know what it meant but I knew/know the weight of that and of the unknown and the TRUST that comes along with those kinds of prayers. I also know what submission to His will means. I know what accepting His invitations to partake in the work He is doing means. It's not about what I think that should look like. It's about ULTIMATE submission. Letting go of ALL control - not just some. Fully trusting Him. 

Also, it's clear to me that the WAY this happened is very very significant. Had we just slipped up and "accidentally" gotten pregnant I wouldn't feel the weight of this the way I do right now. It's different, the way all of this happened. This is a BIG plan, and I know that it's an invitation from God to participate in His work - an invitation that He had been preparing me to accept a long time ago. 

There have been a few nods from Him, since I found out I was pregnant. I won't share one of the big ones here, but on one of the days I was laying in bed crying, I looked out my window and saw another rainbow. I knew this was a little nod from Him. That this is right. That He did this. And that He did this for a reason. And He has a plan for me, and for this baby and for our family. 

Knowing all of this often doesn't make my days feel any lighter or easier. I'm 12 weeks at the time of publishing this post, and I'm exhausted. Fatigued from surviving in a global pandemic for 10 months (and counting) at home alone all day every day with 4 kids (and counting). However, the nausea and food aversions have passed and I've spent the last few weeks craving alllll the salty things. This pregnancy still doesn't feel real, my days are long and lonely and hard and I'm bracing myself for the physical toll that pregnancy takes on the body and the emotions. It's not easy. I know that. It won't be easy. But I still choose to put my faith in Him. And in this plan. That it's HIS plan. All day every day no matter what. Amen. 

"As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts." Isaiah 55:9