The world tells us that birth is something to fear. Women have been programmed to believe that without medical intervention (or even with!) giving birth is excruciating and scary and something we should dread and expect to be awful. But that's how the enemy robs us. Because I know what God says. And I know it doesn't have to be that way.
"We have to totally change our thinking by renewing our mind with the Word of God on the subject of having babies, the same way we renew our mind concerning finances, health, and everything else. We can no longer think the way the world thinks if we want to have the results, the promises and provisions that have been given to us as born-again believers. We have to find out what God thinks on any subject and begin to think and talk the way He does. Romans 12:2 says 'And be not conformed to this world: but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, that you may prove what is that good, and acceptable, and perfect will of God.'"- Jackie Mize "Supernatural Childbirth"
Fear is not from God. It has always been my passion to show the world that birth is not something to be afraid of. Respectful of - yes. But scared of?? No. I know that God does not want us to have fear, including fear of how He created birth. I know that it is not His desire for us to suffer and that by inviting Him into our birth spaces (physically and spiritually) we can learn so much about Him and His character and love for us. Releasing our fears, our anxieties and need to control everything...it's not easy. But I know that's when we give it ALL to Him... that's when He shows up big.
July 29, 2021
5:33 a.m. - On the morning of July 29, 2021, I woke up to what honestly felt like a braxton hicks contraction. These days, it's typical for me to have BH contractions throughout almost my whole pregnancy and often times they are quite strong. Even though this one didn't feel that different physically, something in my gut told me that it was different. I looked at the clock and made a mental note, "5:33 a.m." Ryan was still sleeping but I knew he would be getting up for work soon. I laid there quietly, just resting. I looked at my phone for a bit. A little while later - another tightening. "5:53 a.m. 20 minutes since the last time" I told myself. Ryan's alarm went off shortly after that and I told him that I had had 2 contractions and thought something might be happening. He got up and got dressed while I stayed in bed. The waves continued to come, anywhere from 15 to 30 minutes apart from each other. Around 7:00 a.m. I texted my mom and sister, as well as our birth photographer (who lives in Austin) "Been having a few contractions this morning...! Not totally convinced yet but wanted to give you a heads up!"
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| Took this photo thinking "The sun is rising on our BIRTHday, baby." |
9:15 a.m. - We loaded all 4 kids into the car and drove to Starbucks for a coffee run! This is something that we all do together quite often. Once we got into the car, I felt like my contractions started to space out a little bit, though when they did come they were a little bit stronger. They still really didn’t feel THAT much different from the BH contractions that I was used to. A little more period cramp-y, but also I could feel the contractions IN my vagina too. It was kind of hard to tell how frequent they were actually coming (sometimes if there is really light pressure or tightening it's hard to tell if it's an actual "contraction" or just normal pregnancy sensations.) I was feeling anxious - both good anxious and bad anxious - so it was hard to really relax! I was anxious-excited because obviously something was happening and I was really pumped for that, but also anxious-nervous just not knowing how things were going to feel and progress and I was of course nervous about actually giving birth! Once we got our coffee we drove to our usual spot to let the kids get out of the car and run around a bit. I started to feel a little more relaxed then. It felt so good to be with my little family doing what we always do and being together.
10:30ish - We arrived back home. Even though the waves weren't super strong and were still coming every 30ish minutes, I figured I should go ahead and call my midwife just to let her know that things were at least starting to warm up. (I definitely didn't want to end up in a situation where I waited until the last minute and didn't do my part to communicate what was happening!) So this was definitely more like a "Hey FYI" call and not a "Okay you need to come right now" kind of call. I called her just before 11:00 a.m. and she told me to keep her updated if anything changed!
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| 11:44 a.m. |
I laid down on the couch and Ryan and the kids watched TV and played. Over the course of the next hour/hour and a half, I really only had a few small contractions, some only what I would consider "half contractions" (is that a thing??) On a notes page on my phone, I wrote down "11:35?" "11:57?" because I wasn't quite sure haha. After 11:57 a.m., I just felt like I wasn't really feeling much. I thought things should be picking up more by now but they really weren't. At this point, I figured I would start to drive myself crazy by just sitting and waiting around...time was dragging by! I decided that maybe getting up and going to walk around Target would help things start to move along a bit.
12:27 p.m. - I texted our birth photographer that I was worried this wasn't really it! I told her hat I was tired of sitting there waiting and might need to distract myself at Target for a bit. The plan was for me to eat a snack and then head over there.
Sometime over the course of the next 30 minutes, I became very aware that it was the middle of the day, the sun was shining bright and also I hadn't slept much the night before. I thought maybe it would be helpful for my body if I laid down in our bedroom in the dark for a bit and rested before going to Target. So about 1:00 p.m. I went into our room, closed the shades, laid down and dozed off.
1:27 p.m. - I woke up to the start of a contraction and then very suddenly the baby jerked and at the same time I felt/heard a small "click" or pop. I was pretty certain that my water broke, though nothing was coming out of me (maybe the baby had just moved a funny way in there and that's what the weird click/pop was??) I picked up my phone and called Ryan to tell him to come into the bedroom. I asked him to bring me a towel so I could walk to the bathroom, but when I stood up no fluid came out. I walked to the toilet and when I sat down saw that I was losing some of the mucus plug. "Okay SOMETHING is happening here..." and I decided to go lay back down to see what contractions were going to do. The next contraction that came was at 1:44 p.m., and shortly after that I told our birth photographer what was happening and that the Target trip was on hold!
1:52 p.m. - While still laying down, I felt a contraction and started to feel some fluid leaking out with it. Just some trickles here and there - but it was obvious that my water was breaking. After that contraction passed I texted our birth photographer and called my midwife and doula. Everyone was on their way!
I had another contraction at 1:59 p.m. and then decided to get in the shower to labor a bit in there. I stood for a few minutes, but then felt like I wanted to just get on my hands and knees. I grabbed a towel, got down on the shower floor and just let the water hit my back. It felt so good! I turned on some worship music, and moved my hips back and forth. About 5 minutes after getting into the shower, our birth photographer arrived! (This felt like a huge deal since no one made it the last time! I was sooo relieved that she was there and that she wasn't going to miss it.) While I was in the shower, I felt lots of verrrry small waves here and there and could kind of feel myself opening up? but nothing was really strong enough to say "wow that was a big contraction!" I never really know - does the warm water dull the sensations a bit because I'm so relaxed? OR am I too relaxed and slowing my labor down? I really don't think it's possible to be TOO relaxed in labor, but in those moments I think there is always a part of me that is afraid that when I'm not feeling anything that means that nothing is happening. Not wanting to risk "accidentally" stalling things, I decided to change it up and move somewhere else.
2:20 p.m. - Ryan helped me get out of the shower and put on an adult diaper. I wasn't really leaking any fluid at this point, so it was more just in case. I got down on my knees and leaned over the bed. (It was almost the same spot where Serena was born so I must instinctively feel safest right there.) While laboring there, I decided to do a self-check just out of curiosity to get a feel for baby's position. I could tell her head was slightly more engaged than it had been the last few weeks, though it's not like she was coming out in that moment or anything. I had Ryan put a heating pad on my lower back and apply counter pressure during contractions.
At this point, my midwife and doula were not there yet. Between 2:25 p.m. and 2:30 p.m. I had 3 contractions. Not totally unmanageable, but there was loooots of pressure and I could feel my cervix/vagina opening up even more. Even though I wasn't feeling THAT much, something told me it wouldn't be that much longer. I just had a feeling I would start to feel a little pushy soon, so I really started wondering how far away my midwife was. I can remember thinking that I knew I COULD do this without her but that I really didn't want to again! In my head I was kind of thinking maybe we should call her to see how far out she was, but I couldn't quite get my brain to connect to my mouth and verbalize that, or pick up my phone and do it myself. Luckily, she walked in the door right after those 3 close contractions! It was around this time that I stopped tracking them. We also FaceTimed my mom in on Ryan's phone!
Shortly after my midwife got there, my doula arrived. She helped apply counter pressure with the heating pad and it felt SO good! (I even told her after a contraction - "That feels AMAZING!") I was breathing and moaning and rocking through contractions, while my doula provided lots of words of affirmation and reassured me that I was doing exactly what I was supposed to be doing.
2:45 p.m. - My doula suggested I move over to a birth ball and lean over it. I started getting emotional, crying tears of joy knowing we would be meeting our baby so soon. I was so happy that everyone was there and that the day had been so peaceful. Labor has been so easy and simple. I told God I was ready. A couple of times my midwife held the doppler to my belly to check baby's heart rate, but I hardly noticed.
3:06 p.m. - My midwife checked my dilation and I remember hearing her say I was complete. Even though I think I was already kind of letting my body push a little bit naturally with contractions, hearing her say that flipped a switch in my head and I knew with the next contraction I would be pushing. I felt ready.
3:07 p.m. - The next contraction started, I grabbed both of my doula's hands almost in an arm-wrestling position, and started pushing. I pushed hard. I could feel myself opening up so much more this time and it felt much slower. (Serena came out in one swoosh, so this felt different!) My midwife could tell that baby's head was coming out a little crooked and wasn't descending much with my push, so she had me pull a leg up into a lunge position. With the next contraction, a few more HARD pushes, and some cursing (me screaming "SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIT!!!" at the top of my lungs haha) baby's head was out! It was very intense and it did hurt! My birth team told me to pause and wait for the next contraction.
3:09 p.m. - After a minute or so I felt the next contraction coming. I pushed what felt like 15 more pushes and out she came! It was so different really having to actually work to get her body out and not just having her slip out all at once. I remember thinking "why am I STILL pushing this body? How is she not out yet??" I thought this baby was surely the length of a school bus! Even though it FELT like it took her body was coming out soooo slowly, it was really only about 2 seconds of work.
I took a second, while my brain caught up with my body and what had just happened. After a second or two I caught my breath and looked at my doula and said "Oh that REALLY hurt!" to which she responded SO kindly: "I'm SO sorry.... but it's all done now!" It makes me laugh every time I think about it. She's just so kind and SO empathetic, but also in that moment so honest. 😆 I really don't think I could have done this one by myself. I mean, I know I "could have" but I really did need my doula and midwife there for this birth, to support me through the pushing stage. I'm SO grateful they were there holding my hands this time.
Ryan held baby while my midwife made sure her nose and mouth were clear, and then he handed her to me between my legs! I overhead my midwife say "There she is" to let me know to grab her, and I could also kind of see between her legs too, so between those two things it kind of registered in my brain that she was a girl. I pulled her up to my chest and just held her so close. In complete disbelief, I said "Oh my God it's another girl!!" I still had to check several times just to make sure though and also because I really couldn't believe it!
As I sat back, I could feel my stomach really hurting. It wasn't like a cramping pain but like a pain pain. And my vagina really hurt this time too. I remember saying out loud "my stomach hurts" and "my vagina hurts". She came out asynclitic and also had a really tiny soft spot so her head didn’t mold at all. I think those things contributed to pushing being a little harder/more painful this time.
Wells came in the room and walked over to us. He was happy, but then it hit me that I was holding a baby girl and not a little buddy for him and I just felt so so sad. I was sad not that my baby was a girl but sad for Wells. I was so worried he was going to be upset. I just started sobbing. I didn't want him to be disappointed!
I was bleeding more than my midwife really wanted to see, so we kinda had to work to get my placenta out so she could start stitching me up. I have never felt an urge to push my placenta out, but this time I really had to FORCE it, (even though there was still no urge). I'm not sure if it was the position that I was in on the floor and not very comfortable or what but I really had to push hard, which did not feel good. After the placenta was delivered, I moved over to the bed.
3:30 p.m. - I started getting stitched up. I actually felt a HUGE amount of anxiety around this part this time (and if/when there is a next time I know I'm going to need a lot of help preparing for and managing this). I've always needed stitches after birth, but something this time made me feel really anxious about it. With Serena, I only needed one stitch. It took my breath away but it was only one. This time I needed 3. Even with the lidocaine injections it was very painful. Getting the shakes after birth is very normal (it's just from the hormones) and I have experienced that previously with some of my hospital births. However, this time I was SO shaky and I know it was truly because of the anxiety I was feeling and not from the hormones. It was very tough working through those stitches (and if you've ever had your vagina stitched up before you know there is a lot of time between each stitch which just makes it more of a drawn out thing!) but with the help of my doula and Ryan we got through all 3 stitches.
After I got stitched up, I was still bleeding quite a bit, and my stomach still really hurt (again not cramping but just straight up pain). I got a shot of pitocin in the thigh. I don't really recall it making me feel any different though - no additional cramping or increase in uterine pain or anything.
4:08 p.m. - The stitching was finally done and it was time to cut the umbilical cord. (The placenta had still been attached and in a chux pad next to me and baby.) This was the longest I have ever had a baby stay attached to the placenta, and I really liked getting to take our time and check out the cord as much as I wanted. Heidi and Wells wanted to come in so we asked both of them if they wanted to cut the cord. They both just wanted to watch, so I was able to cut it! Once the cord was cut, my midwife took baby over the her scale in our bathroom to be weighed. The kids then left with my mother in law, Ryan made me some food to eat and we had our first nursing session! (You really forget how STRONG little tiny babies are able to suck!)
I was still feeling a lot of sadness over Wells not getting his little brother, so my midwife prayed over me and baby and that we would feel His peace. This was such a wonderful moment and I'm always so grateful that my midwife is able to support me in this way, calming my heart.
Around 5:30 p.m. we had our herbal bath. It was much harder for me to relax in the tub this time around. I still felt really hyped up hormonally after the stitches and my body definitely felt like it had just pushed a baby out! After Serena was born, instantly it felt like nothing had happened, but this time around I really felt much more postpartum physically. I had a hard time just letting go and feeling at peace in the tub, so we didn't spend too much time there. I handed baby off and started to stand up but noticed I was dripping some blood. It wasn't EXCESSIVE, but it was a steady drip. (I kind of wonder now if it was just my position in the tub that caused the blood to pool a bit inside of me?) We didn't want to take any chances though so my midwife gave me some cytotec to chew up (yuck). After that I didn't have any more issues with bleeding too much, so I was thankful.
I got out of the bath and I was helped back to bed. I finally felt like I was back to feeling relaxed now that I was tucked back into bed with my baby!
At 6:15 p.m. we hugged our entire birth team, said our goodbyes and then it was just the 3 of us. At home, peacefully in bed snuggling our sweet new babe.
It really was just the most perfect and relaxing day. Even though the pushing felt harder this time, the rest of labor was almost entirely painless. It was such a beautiful simple and EASY birth and I am so grateful for everything God has done to lead us on our journey to bringing new life into this world. This pregnancy was unexpected, but I have faith that this was/is HIS timing, and I don't think I would change it even if I could.
Welcome to the world Baby Melody!! We are SO glad you are here.
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