The first 15 days. The first "phase" of my fourth postpartum experience. Such a hard, beautiful, exhausting, joy-filled, tear-filled, messy, sacred and holy time.
To begin my first 40 days postpartum, I have been practicing a 15 day lying in period - 5 days in the bed, 5 days on the bed and 5 days around the bed - and stuck to that as closely as I possibly could. This was important to me to lay this initial (solid) foundation of healing and rest...important to me to protect my postpartum experience, as well as to set myself up positively for the rest of this sacred postpartum time.
Taking this much time to rest and heal has been a new experience for me. I've never done it this way before. It's been hard and good and stretched me in so many ways. I am learning so much. Learning a lot about what the postpartum time is actually supposed to look like. Learning about rest, honoring my body and all that it has done. How to take better care of myself (and in turn my baby) during this time, not do the things I COULD be doing or am physically capable of doing - but accepting help and letting others do the work so I can rest.
I have never really been good at pacing myself after having a baby. For a few different reasons. First of all, it's just not my personality to not be trying to do 1500 things all at once. I live by my calendar and to-do list, and to just throw it all out the window for an extended period of time is tough for me - new baby or not. It's hard for me to sit still. In the past, I have gauged a "successful" postpartum experience by how "normal" I felt, how many normal activities/routines I could get back to and how quickly I could get back to them. I have previously bragged about pushing Heidi around in a grocery cart and grocery shopping 5 days after giving birth to Wells. I thought that's what meant things were going well. And while yes I can still look back at the fact that I was feeling well enough physically and emotionally to do that as a blessing - I didn't need to be doing that. That's not how you allow your body and soul to heal and be restored. This time, I'm bragging about how much time I'm spending in bed - and I think that's how it's supposed to be when you have a brand new baby.
Postpartum is hard. Always. I truly believe that even if I were to do this 100 times, the 101st time would still feel just as hard as every other time. Everything is upside down. The house. The routine. The hormones. Everything. I want the routine to feel normal again, but I also really don't because this time IS so special and fleeting, and in some ways (though, certainly not all) I don't want it to ever end. It's hard to just sit in the uncomfortable-ness of things being upside down, but I know I'm not ready for them to not be. Does that make any sense? I want to go out and do normal things, things that will make me feel like myself... when at the same time I'm not ready for real life again. Even if I have moments where I think I am.
The immediate postpartum is also tough because things can (and usually do) feel fairly lonely. It's nice spending all of my time in bed snuggling my baby. But obviously that can be isolating. (Also, these days hubby is managing the house and kids and meals, etc. so I feel like I don't really even see him much.) I have also learned over the past few years just what an extreme extrovert I am. It's almost dangerous really. I HAVE to have social interaction. A few days of isolation is very bad for my emotional state. (THANK YOU to those who have come to meet baby Serena, hang out, listen to our birth story, bring coffee or just sit with me for a while. That fills me up more than I can say.)
And of course another reason that I struggle during the immediate postpartum, is because I ALWAYS feel an intense sadness and grief over pregnancy and birth being over. I cry often about missing my big belly. Going from having someone LIVE inside of your body to then suddenly not sometimes makes me feel very empty. And while, I am of COURSE so so happy that she is here and I can kiss her sweet face, I do miss her kicks and rolls and hiccups on the inside often. It's hard for me to feel the distance grow between the pregnancy and birth experiences and the present. I know that I am in the minority for feeling this way, which can sometimes add to feelings of isolation.
Despite these struggles and the ups and downs, these last 15 days have been an absolute DREAM. I have never experienced postpartum this way before, and it just feels so right. So here's a little recap of our first 15 days!
Days 1-5: "In the bed"
- I spent 99% of my time in bed with my baby in my arms. All meals were served to me in bed and I napped and nursed as I pleased. If people came over to visit or meet baby - we were hanging out in the master bedroom! I absolutely did not get up out of bed to entertain or even answer the door. A friend brought coffee, donuts and breakfast tacos over to us on day 3 and it was perfect! We had our first small outing on day 4, (just to the birth center) for a newborn screen and check up for me. It was good getting out of the house, and having the trip completely centered around me and baby made the outing feel very "healthy". It was also so nice getting to visit and chat with our midwife, someone who we know and have a relationship with (a far cry from going to any OB appointment where you're just in and out). I also started taking my placenta pills on day 4, which I feel like have helped keep my emotions at least manageable. Ryan handled all school drop offs and pick ups while I stayed home in bed. The weather was gloomy and rainy - perfect for snuggling in bed all day! Emotionally, things felt fairly stable. Some days felt harder than others, and I still cried daily! Sometimes out of joy or happy things or how beautiful my baby is to me, but sometimes out of feeling tired or lonely, mom guilt or being sad about not being pregnant anymore. (I have been able to verbalize what it is that's making me emotional and talk it out with hubby. This time, so far, there hasn't been any unexplained crying or feelings of overwhelm.)
Days 6-10: On the bed
- I still spent almost all of my time in bed. On days 7 and 10, I was able to visit with some friends, which really helped me feel good emotionally. On those days, I spent that time visiting with them sitting on the couch in our living room, then returned to bed once they left. I also spent a couple of minutes sitting outside with baby on 2 occasions. Also on day 7, I laid on the floor and spent a few minutes doing some breath work and visualizing my core and body "closing". (I'm trying to do this daily and will eventually start moving my legs some to aid with closing my core physically.) My mom arrived on day 8 and having her here to help was so nice. She helped so much with food prep/dinners and cleaning up after meals, which allowed Ryan to focus more on taking care of the other kids and me. I think I maybe at one or two meals at the table but all other meals were had in bed! I didn't leave the house, except maybe once or twice to ride along to Starbucks for a mocha. :)
Days 11-15: Around the bed
- On day 11, I rode in the car with Ryan to drop all of the kids off at school. We stopped at Starbucks, and sat inside for a few minutes together. After about 10 minutes, I felt tired and started to get a little emotional so it was time to get back home and into bed! On day 12, we took Serena to the pediatrician for her first check up while my mom stayed home with the 2 kids who weren't in school that day. On our way home, Ryan and I stopped by Torchy's tacos and had lunch together, then came back home and I spent the rest of the afternoon in bed. On day 13, we had a midwife appointment and on day 14 I had a therapy session! Ryan and I went to both of these (morning) appointments together, and I was able to come home afterwards and get right back in bed and rest for the remainder of the day. It's been nice having these little outings while still prioritizing resting and getting back in bed! P.S. I'm still pretty much eating every meal at home in bed!
That sums up our first 15 days! I feel so lucky. Very spoiled. Extremely grateful. It's been a time filled with lots of rest, The Office, many many mochas and tons of baby snuggles.
Ryan heads back to work tomorrow, so I will be spending some time this week navigating uncharted territory and figuring out what the next few weeks look like for me. Emerging from these first 15 days, slowly easing back into a simple routine, while still prioritizing rest, self-care and time with my baby. Thanks for sticking with me :). (And Houston friends - we've opened up the meal train to include every day just for next week as we adjust to Ryan being gone during the day! If you're looking for a way to support us that would be a great way to do so!)
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