I get asked a lot if I'm "afraid" or fearful of having another baby. Originally, I thought I would hold off on writing a post like this until I actually was pregnant, but since it seems to come up frequently (and plus our "plans" and futures are never 100% guaranteed regardless of what we think we want) I figured why not now? (Also, just to be totally clear over here - we are not currently pregnant.)
To some, it might seem odd that this question gets asked often, but I suppose it's because of my ongoing openness about wanting a large family/additional children. So it does come up quite a bit.
"Are you afraid of getting postpartum depression again?"
The answer? No. Absolutely not.
Why am I not "afraid"? First of all, I am not a very fearful person. I don't make decisions based on fear or the "what ifs". I don't let fear affect how I live my life. Nothing that I do or believe is rooted in fear-based thoughts. Even when it comes to how I speak to my kids, I have been very intentional about never using fear-based statements to try to influence them. ("Don't do that! That's scary!!" "Don't touch that it's SCARY!" "____ is scary/will scare you!") I won't ever say or feel "I'm too scared to have more children because I'm afraid I'll have postpartum depression again." I truly believe that living like this or making decisions in this way is the enemy's way of robbing us of experiencing so many wonderful God-given things, and His love and desires for us.
I've even had some people really challenge me on this and in a fairly criticizing/judgmental way. "Do you really think that's a good idea?" "What makes you think it's going to be different?" "What if ____ happens again? Then what??" "How can you possibly consider having another baby after what happened to you the last time?"
Here's the thing. Everything is different. Even IF nothing is different "situationally" (which it is) - I am different therefore it WILL be different. All of it. Does this mean future pregnancies/births/postpartum experiences will be easy? Absolutely not. Will they be more sacred? Looked at with completely different eyes? Prepared for differently? 100%.
People EXPECT me to be scared. But the truth is I'm not. There's actually not a single aspect of this that does scare me. It is in fact quite the opposite. I can hardly wait.
So what will actually be different??
There are a lot of ways I plan to handle/be more intentional with my pregnancy/birth/postpartum experiences - and I do plan to go into more detail on this if/when that time comes. I truly believe that pregnancy experience + birth experience (+ community/support) = postpartum experience and I can't WAIT to lay the groundwork. I am SO excited to honor the postpartum period specifically. I have so many ideas and tools that I've learned about. One example of this would be instituting a 15 day "lying in period" post-birth (5 days IN the bed, 5 days ON the bed, and 5 days AROUND the bed). No leaving the house. No going to the grocery store. And certainly no traveling out of town to be a bridesmaid (in heels) in an outdoor wedding 10 days postpartum (hehe). This is actually quite common in other cultures, but even just honoring the postpartum period in general is something that is tragically SO foreign in our society. I believe postpartum (and a lying-in period specifically) is something that can be prepared for and can truly enhance the SACREDNESS and holiness of the immediate postpartum. It sounds absolutely BLISSFUL to me. I do believe that by being proactive you do have the ability to "set yourself up" for a positive postpartum experience.
A few other (brief) ways I plan to create a different (physical) space and headspace for myself in the future:
- My mindset/thought process - changing the way I think about the connections between pregnancy, birth, postpartum (and my physical body), focusing on what I HAVE learned about these intense deep-rooted connections and taking the time throughout pregnancy to sit in silence and honor all of those connections and experiences (see previous post!)
- Intentions - by being more intentional about setting aside time to focus on connecting with my growing baby, my body and our upcoming birth experience (both the physical and mental aspects of labor and delivery) as well as the breastfeeding and postpartum experiences
- Planning/preparation (mostly mental) - preparing myself for the days immediately following birth, preparing myself and my family for what I want that to look like and creating a plan for how that can be achieved
One day, hopefully, I look forward to sharing more of the specifics of these and how I plan to make them happen.
Of course, there are plenty of situations that are NOT in our control (which I am WELL aware of and all too familiar with) and I'm not expecting to have control over everything - nor to ever be immune to LIFE. But over the last year and a half I have learned that there is so much that I DO have control over. I have learned so much about connecting - what it means to connect with myself, with a baby/pregnancy, and connecting with God and His desires for me. I have really explored self-care and gotten really good at it. But even IF POSTPARTUM DEPRESSION DOES HAPPEN AGAIN - we've been through it before. My husband and I know what we are dealing with (to an extent). We have so many more tools and resources and knowledge than ever before. I believe that we would be able to take control of postpartum depression much more quickly and more effectively. I'm confident that (based on what my PPD looked like the last time) it would be so different should something similar happen again in the future - but I'm far from convinced that it will happen again :).
