Breastfeeding Thoughts - Part 1

***Disclaimer:  I am writing this post at 21 weeks of pregnancy.  I have no idea if I will post it now, or wait until after the baby is here.  I am 100% aware that it's hard to truly know how you're going to feel about something before you're actually in that situation, but I'm also interested to see if/how my feelings change once the baby is here (which is why I am recording this now).  I ALSO realize that my opinions might make some moms/people frustrated, possibly angry.  I ask that you please understand that each person is different and that what worked for you might not work for me.  What was a "beautiful magical experience" for you might be horrible for me (or it might not).  Please also know that I am trying to have an open mind on this subject.  Will my thoughts change once I have gone through this myself?  Maybe they will.  And I am open to that.  Or maybe they will not.  You do what's best for your family and I will do what is best for mine.  Please respect that.  Know that I am making a conscious effort to have an open mind for when the time comes.***


So lately I have been feeling a LOT of anxiety about breastfeeding.  BUT not for the same reasons most women stress out about it...

I'm not going to lie here.  Breastfeeding sounds...awful.  Pretty much everything about it sounds terrible to me.  I don't want to constantly feel like a cow.  I don't want something sucking on my nipples until the are dry, cracked and bleeding.  I want to be able to run without being in extreme pain.  I don't want to wake up each day with rock hard painful boobs.  I don't want to be the ONLY one who can feed the baby.  I don't want to breastfeed in public/in front of anyone other than my husband.  At this point, I am quite uncomfortable with the whole situation.  Do I realize that breastfeeding is natural?  Of course.  Do I feel selfish for feeling this way?  Definitely.  Do I feel like bad mom for thinking these thoughts?  You betcha.  But that doesn't change the fact that this is how I (currently) feel.

I am not a rainbows and flowers kind of girl.  I am not about the frills.  Please don't repeat to me what every damn pro-breastfeeding blog out there says about the topic.  "But it's so GREAT being the ONLY one who can provide food for your baby!"  "But you will bond so much MORE with your baby!"  "It's so MAGICAL!"  Telling me about the "magical" experience of leaky cracked nipples is not exactly going to sway me.  Will the ACTUAL experience change how I feel?  Quite possibly.  And I'm trying not to be close-minded on the subject.

But here's the thing.  I completely agree that MY breast milk is truly the best thing for the baby. And that is something that is extremely important to me.   So I have been so stressed out this last week or so trying to figure out what might work best for us, which I am fully aware could change in 1000 different ways once she is here.

Heads up grandma: personal information coming your way.  In a lot of ways, I feel exactly as I did when trying to figure out how I would handle birth control.  After I got engaged, I really struggled with finding what would work for us.  I definitely did not wait for 25 years to have sex to do so with a condom.  Plus, I don't like the idea of there being anything between my husband and I.  But I was also SUPER uncomfortable with the pill.  I hate the idea of putting fake chemicals into my body each and every day and never really having a "true" period.  The world says "Oh it's fine MILLIONS of women take it every day and it's great."  Hmm.  Well, being on my period for our honeymoon was definitely NOT an option.  (I waited almost 26 years I am NOT waiting another week damnit!)  So I broke down and got on the pill.  and I hated it.  After the wedding, I knew I couldn't take it much longer.  But I felt so alone.  I felt like I was the only one in the world not okay with taking birth control.  I work hard to eat well, be healthy, not put fake, processed, chemical garbage into my body... plus the pill made me feel awful in a lot of ways.  (I might post more about this later...)  I just felt like we were out of options.  I had prayed to God long before we were even engaged that he would guide my heart and reveal to me His will for our family planning methods.  I knew He would show me an option that would work for us... and He finally did.  I am so much happier knowing that I don't have to take the pill every day for the rest of my life.  Thank you, God for hearing our prayers and knowing the desires of our hearts.

I know that God created me to be a mom and to provide for my child.  I pray (and know) that He will reveal the best plan that will work for me, my child and our family, just as He has done in the past.  Just because the trend now is "You are a bad mom if you don't breastfeed" doesn't mean that it's true.  (Newsflash: Our grandparents' generation - NO ONE breastfed.  Did our parents turn out okay?  Yup.  Not the end of the world people.)  If you are able to breastfeed and enjoy it - wonderful.  If not - who cares?

I'm sure many people are laughing in my face right now.  Which is fine.  But please don't judge me. and certainly do not patronize me. Because I do not want to hear it.  ("Oh Honey, you just don't get it.  Well, I know better than you...listen to my advice.)  I think I have been pretty clear that that kind of attitude is not constructive here.  Am I niave?  Yup.  Am I a complete idiot?  No.  So don't speak to me like I am.  We are all entitled to our own opinions.  If you are a mom, you have been here before, whether it be with breastfeeding or one of the other million aspects of this process.  Even if you are not a mom, I guarantee that you have been in a place in your life where you have an opinion about something going into it, not really knowing how you will feel once you are on the other side.  Maybe your opinion changed in that situation.  and maybe it didn't.  99% of the reason why I wrote this post is for MYSELF.  For me to look back on.  For me to organize my own thoughts. (The other 1% is for maybe those few women out there who feel the same as I do but are afraid to say so.)  It helps having someone to talk to.  It helps not feeling alone.  I am not posting this so that others can judge, comment and come at me with the "Oh you poor thing you are just so naive" comments.  Yep.  I don't know what I'm doing.  But I also am not afraid to admit it.  So don't speak down on me for that, because it will only make things worse and more stressful.  Just because you think your opinion is the best one out there... Guess what?!  I don't have to agree :)

Well that got a little off topic really fast.  I think every pregnant lady gets frustrated with the mountains and mountains of unsolicited advice that is constantly bombarding you, so I guess I just needed to vent a little!  (And yes, when you are willing to share your thoughts and opinions with the world you definitely have to expect a LOT of that.)

At this point, I am planning on pumping for 3 months.  Half will go to baby and the other half will go into the freezer.  After those first 3 months, we will begin using the stored milk.  This will allow baby to get 6 full months of breast milk.  (This all depends on if I am actually ABLE to produce though, among other things as well.) I realize I am creating more work for myself.  But I'm also a girl who likes options.

Because I am a planner, I will sleep better at night if there IS an actual plan in place, even if down the road it goes completely out the window.  I think we all know what God does to "our" plans though.  I know He will come through with what is right for our family, not only for baby but for mom (and dad) also.

Read my update after a full year of breastfeeding HERE!