10:20ish - We arrived at hospital, grabbed the labor bag and headed inside. Walking through the waiting room, I remember feeling super overwhelmed (in a good way) and SO happy we were finally there to meet our baby. I was kind of hyperventilating just because of all of the emotions and adrenaline. We were directed to a small triage room, where I calmed down a bit, changed into a hospital gown and got hooked up to monitors and all of that.
10:45 a.m. - The hospital OB came in and checked me. I was 6cm, completely effaced and baby was at 0 station. (If those measurements don't make sense to you check this out for an explanation.) After he had checked me, he asked how big my last baby was. (8lbs. 6 oz.) He then said "Oh I think this one's going to be a lot smaller!" I TOTALLY didn't believe him at all - but got a kick out of his prediction. First of all, how on earth can you tell by shoving your hand up there and feeling the top of my baby's head? Second of all, I KNEW this baby was significantly larger than my other two because the end of this pregnancy just FELT. So. Different. I chuckled and knew he was wrong haha. The pain was still semi-manageable although definitely starting to get intense.
Sometime shortly after 11:00 a.m. - We went to our l&d room, which was just next door to our triage room. By this point I was in a pretty fair amount of pain and discomfort. I vaguely remember hesitating when they told me it was time to move rooms, but once the nurse said it was just next door I was okay with it.
Once we moved over to our labor and delivery room, my OB came in (yay!!). I was SO excited to see her because with my other babies it had been other doctors from the practice that delivered. I really wanted her to be the one this time! Yay! I have ALWAYS felt strongly that I want my water to break naturally and have been pretty against the idea of having someone intentionally rupture it, but as soon as my OB asked me if I wanted her to break it I said "YES PLEASE!" I was ready for things to move along and it was so relieving to finally feel that gush! We then asked my OB how she felt about letting Ryan "catch" to which she said "Sure!" After that, she left (and I assume she went back across the street to her office to continue seeing her other patients for regular appointments). We called our birth photographer back and Ryan's mom also brought Heidi into the room as well.
At this point, I was standing up with the hospital gown on and standing over what I call the "puppy pad" (whatever those mats are they have at the hospital that they make you sit on or stand on to catch all the amniotic fluid and junk). The nurse turned to me and said "oh there's some more fluid! That's good!" I said "Nope, that's just pee!" Haha.
I knew that having my water broken would intensify things, but I think there was a part of me that thought it would make me feel better or make laboring at that point easier or something. I had never known JUST labor without a broken water, so it felt very unnatural to have it intact during labor - like I didn't know what I was doing. I couldn't fully release my pelvic floor as I was used to doing in the past and also felt like (whether true or not) she couldn't fully engage. Even though I was in pain, I was still glad to just be able to open up and let stuff come out.
11:30 a.m. - Things by now were very painful. I was holding the hospital gown up above my belly (mostly to keep it from getting crap on it). Pretty quickly though I got sick of holding it so I just took it off. It felt SO good to ditch that thing. I was wearing a bralette that I had bought for labor but had nothing on aside from that. I don't know why I've never labored naked before but it was awesome. I was still laboring standing up and the nurse didn't really want to check me since my water had been broken.
By this time, I was actually pretty over labor. I was in a lot of pain and felt like things weren't very manageable. I was surprised I wasn't progressing faster and wanted to just push her out and be done with it. At one point, the room was full of people, ready and waiting and assuming that baby girl would be here any minute ("last time she delivered within 30 minutes of getting here!") but then once they realized it was going to be a while longer everyone left.
I asked Ryan to pray with me and to pray that baby girl would be here by noon. I wanted to pray very specifically that this would end soon. After we prayed, I didn't look back at the clock once. At one point, I think I knew it was after noon, but I knew I would be disappointed knowing for sure so I just avoided that all together. I think I STARTED to get a little pushy at this point.
So here's the thing. I've done this before. I know all of the signs, all of the sounds to make and all of that that indicates to the nurses that it's time to push baby out. BUT. My body wasn't really telling me to push yet. I didn't feel the overwhelming URGE. That PRIMAL instinct that I LOVE when your body just takes over. But this hurt. I wanted to convince everyone that it was time so that it would be over. (Also, I think our nurse was super inexperienced. She seemed really young and nervous and not very sure of herself at all.) So I gave her all the signs. Grunting. Pushing against the contractions. Being vocal. But it wasn't involuntary. It was just the opposite. I was SO present between contractions I could have played on my phone or texted my friends (though I didn't) despite being in a lot of pain. This also felt very unnatural to me. I am used to going into labor land. Zoning out. Finding my own planet and existing there for a while. So because of this I felt like something was wrong. Labor felt wrong to me. (For the record, if this happens to me again in the future, I'll know that that's perfectly okay to not be in the zone between contractions and I will embrace it and enjoy it! But this was new to me and I didn't know how to handle it.)
11:40 a.m. - By this time I think the nurse had started to get nervous (because of me semi-faking it and all). She told me to lie down so she could check me. (I think I was still a 6?) Having her check me was AWFUL. I've literally never had anyone check me so aggressively ever before. She would almost jiggle her entire arm around in there and it was always super painful and terrible to have her doing that.
After the nurse checked me, Heidi came back in briefly then left again. I stayed laying down and with each contraction I would raise my hand in the air, and pray that God would take the pain away. I would tell myself during the contraction "THIS is as bad is it's going to get right now and after this second it will get better", which seemed to help some. Just declaring when the pain would peak and being aware of it's decline. However, I knew that I was too "comfortable" on my back though and felt like I was stalling (still being at a 6 was discouraging). I could tell I wasn't progressing much in this position, even though I was in a ton of pain. It basically felt like with each contraction someone was slicing my belly open horizontally with a knife - exactly in the location where c-section scars are. It was pretty searing.
**Side note - I really hesitate to share that description of what the contraction pain felt like only because I don't want to instill fear in anyone about birth. BUT I also feel like it's so important for me to be honest. Yes it might hurt like Hell but it's for a (good) reason - not because something is wrong. I don't want to pretend that this birth was painless (even though my last one was!) and I think it can and will be beneficial for others as well as myself to have a little bit better of an understanding for what I'm in for next time. I don't want to forget that feeling - because Wells' birth really spoiled me ;). I think by going into birth preparing for pain appropriately is crucial, though if you are prepared it's not something to fear necessarily. I will say that even though contractions were very painful it wasn't at the point where I just wanted to die, I felt like I couldn't do it or that I wanted to be numbed - even though I WAS ready for it to be over I still knew my body was made to do this.**
Anyway, I really wanted to stand back up and asked the nurse to put another "puppy pad" down on the floor so I could do so. She basically told me no, that she didn't want me to stand back up because she was worried I would have the baby on the floor. (What?? Looking back, I wish I had fought this more. Being confined to a bed during labor is AWFUL and it's so essential during unmedicated birth that you have the freedom to move around as you wish. Also - this baby isn't just going to FALL out - which I think the nurse thought was going to happen.)
I should have just said screw it and stood up anyway because that's what my body was telling me to do. I know better. I did say out loud that I didn't want to stay laying down though, so she suggested we raise the back of the bed up and I kneel backwards over it.
Around 12:15ish - After a lot more (intentional and conscious) grunting and pushing and moaning on my part, the nurse decided to recheck me. She called my OB over. While I was laying on my back waiting for my doctor to come back over to the hospital, I could FEEL my baby entering the birth canal. THIS was a very cool feeling even though it burned. I at least knew this was a good sign and definitely recall "enjoying" that feeling and embracing it! Ah the feeling of your baby descending is such a good one and I'm glad I was aware of when it was happening. Once my OB arrived, she checked me as well and appeared to get kind of frustrated with the nurse because I wasn't completely dilated yet. (I assume she was blowing off her regularly scheduled appointments so I think she was a little ticked off the nurse called her over too early.) So they decided to give me some more time.
12:20 p.m. - I continued to labor on my back for a bit, moaning loudly and feeling a lot of pain. This is kind of when I felt like everyone was waiting on me. I was really worried that if I took too long my OB was going to leave and someone else would end up delivering. I eventually got back into kneeling position and at one point when I had my head down, out of the corner of my eye I could see my OB's shoes in the doorway for a few minutes. I knew she was observing me to see where I was at, so I continued to grunt and push and be vocal even though it still felt like a choice. (Doing those things during contractions certainly wasn't necessary at this point, but at the very least it was something to do during contractions instead of just letting the pain rip my stomach apart). I kind of felt like everyone was standing around looking at their watches and at some point more people started coming into the room to get stuff ready because things sounded like they were getting close I guess.
I definitely felt like I hadn't had a chance yet to "do my thing" and I can very clearly remember having the thought "I need to tell everyone to leave the room". We had both of our moms there, birth photographer, OB, my nurse, several nursing students and a few other nurses as well. I'm all for letting people learn and/or watch me give birth - if 500 people want to come see I'm all for it. But at this point in labor I *should have* told everyone to get out and give me more time. BUT. As soon as I had that thought I also realized "If I tell everyone to leave then I will have to keep doing this" and at this point I really really didn't want to keep doing that. So it was go time. Ryan was given a gown and gloves (!!!) and everyone assumed their positions.
12:51 p.m. - I definitely did not feel like my body was telling me to push yet. But I was done. With the next contraction I pushed. I could feel baby descending but could tell she wasn't crowning yet. With the next contraction, I pushed again. I pushed HARDER than I have EVER had to push. I could feel her crowning. It felt like my contraction had passed and I really needed and wanted a break. But as soon as I stopped pushing I knew I did NOT have a choice to stop. I was in so much pain there was no way I could just sit there and do nothing between the contractions. It felt like her head was halfway out so it was physically impossible to simply stop at that point even though it was not instinct telling me to keep going - just that it hurt too bad to pause there. I kept pushing (my OB had also told me to keep pushing). Out came her head... (Ryan said at this point my OB checked to make sure the cord wasn't around her neck) then another big push and...
12:53 p.m. - Baby girl was born!! Straight into her daddy's hands. The first words Cami heard her mama say after she came out were "HOLY F%*$!!" which I screamed multiple times before she was placed in my arms because that hurt SO bad and it was the HARDEST I've ever had to push any baby out ever. (Which, by the way I don't normally curse like that!) After my dr. cleared baby's nose and mouth she started wiping her off a bit. Ryan told her that I wanted to leave the vernix on (way to go Ryan!) and then she told him to pick Cami up and place her on my belly - which he did!!
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| Right after she came out! |
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| Right after Ryan put her on my chest. |
I knew she was big and my OB also commented on her size - I could tell she was bigger than any of my other babies just by how much MORE work that took! I was honestly preparing myself for a lot of tearing and a much longer and harder recovery than the last time because of how forced pushing her out felt and because I knew she was the biggest yet. (Luckily, I "only" had a 2nd degree tear which is the norm for me and physical recovery has not been much different than after I had Wells. By the way mamas - the first baby is usually the toughest to recover from. After that first one, at least in my experience, physical recovery is never quite that bad again.)
Looking back, sometimes I regret not giving my body more time to take over. I question my decision to literally FORCE her out. Did I make the wrong call? Did I start pushing too early - before my body was ready? (Was I even 10 cm when I started pushing??) Why didn't I give myself more time? Did I disrespect the entire process? Was I too controlling? I have spent a lot of time doubting what I felt like were very voluntary thoughts and actions on my part. But a few realizations I have made... If my body had not been ready, I probably would have had to spend more than 90 seconds pushing. It's not like I was intentionally pushing against my body's will for an hour or anything. I literally pushed for MAYBE a minute and a half. It was basically 2 contractions. The other thing that was brought to my attention (by my therapist actually)... a 9 lb. 3 oz. baby isn't going to just slide out (third baby or not). That's going to take some work no matter HOW many babies you've had! So even though, I still have plenty of moments where I really regret not giving myself more time and my body more time to "get there" I have to remind myself of these things. My body must have been ready "enough" anyway...!
Usually, they pull the end of the bed away so you're basically delivering "into the air", but since Ryan was catching they didn't pull it away and I just delivered onto the bed. You would think that it wouldn't really matter, but it definitely felt different not delivering into the air! Guess they don't want to risk dad dropping that slippery babe!
Once I was stitched up, it was placenta time. I asked my OB if she needed me to push - which I have had to do a little bit of in the past to help get it out but she said that I didn't need to this time and it pretty much just fell out on it's own haha.
1:01 p.m. - We cut the cord! Cutting the cord has always seemed kind of gross to me, so I've never pressed Ryan to be the one to do it. (Up until now, the dr. has always done it.) This time I wanted to do it though! It was very cool because Ryan held the clamp, the dr. held the cord and I cut it. Very symbolic of this birth ;). And actually, the "texture" of cutting the cord wasn't as nasty as I thought haha! It was a pretty clean and easy cut.
As my dr. was about to take the placenta away I stopped her and asked to see it - something I have never been aware of enough in the past to ask for (or care about I suppose). She held up the cord told us it was nice a long, and then held the placenta up and showed us where it connected to my uterus and kind of turned it over and almost inside out so we could see the "inside" of it where it was next to baby. It was so cool to finally get to see one of my placentas!
1:35 p.m. - Cami was weighed but couldn't get a bath. Bigger babies tend to have blood sugar issues so she was tested immediately. Since her blood sugar was off she had to wait for a bath (she didn't end up getting one until almost 24 hours later - Yikes!)
1:45 p.m. - I nursed her for the first time. She's a pro!
Processing
This birth just felt very different. The first 12-24 hours I felt REALLY uncomfortable and pretty upset by the birth. It was just so WEIRD. Weird. Very weird. And painful. I didn't feel the "magic" I have felt before. I didn't feel empowered at all or like it wasn't really a big deal. In some ways I felt like I "did it wrong" and I forced it too much. It has taken me a while to process it (I still am) and to work through how I feel about it. Everything went just fine and about as well as it could have gone really. It really wasn't a BAD experience when it comes down to it, but I was definitely questioning whether I wanted to risk having that sort of experience again - which scared me.
I had been praying for 3 things specifically for this birth - safe and healthy mom and baby, no interventions/drug-free and that it would be painless. (I also secretly was hoping for a daytime baby and really wanted my OB to be the one to deliver.) I really got everything I wanted and more, with the exception of the pain-free part. But part of what I know about pain-free birth is that it's not and can't be an expectation. I have to be and AM okay with God not providing that with every birth. I still had expectations even though I tried really hard not to. I felt a lot of pressure to start pushing - pressure from everyone else but also from myself. It just felt rushed and forced and painful. I think I got into my own head a little bit. Also, just being so drained physically and emotionally already from a few really tough months, I was just so ready for it ALL to be over.
But I just felt like there was something missing this time. There were things I wish I had done differently, wish I could go back in time and change and things I say I want to do differently when/if we are blessed with a "next time". I'm working on trying not to say/think those things because I don't want to have regrets. Though I have those feelings less and less about wishing it had gone differently, sometimes I do still have those thoughts.
Some days I still struggle with not feeling the "magic" that I'm used to feeling about my birth experiences. But I think it will come. And at this point I'm okay with knowing they will come, it's just take a little longer than usual.
God played such an obvious role in my last two births I'm still searching for his role in this one. I know it's there. It has to be. I know HE was there. It's just going to take some time and some digging to really figure out HOW. And maybe this time it's not about ME. Maybe it's supposed to be about Ryan's experience, or something else that I'll never know. Maybe it's about preparation. If/when we are blessed with a "next time" I feel more prepared already. For both pregnancy and birth. Because both of those things this time were very different and tough for a lot of reasons.
The one thing that I do know - this was THE coolest thing that my husband and I have EVER gotten to do together. Ryan "caught" our baby. He was the first to pick her up and the one to give her to her mama. I know he even surprised himself and I'm super proud of him. He loves birth just as much as I do and I love him for that more than I ever thought I would. As hard and weird as this birth was, I would do it over and over again the same way if it meant that he got to have this experience.
WELCOME TO THE WORLD BABY CAMI!!
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