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| Photo by Sarah McKenzie Photography |
I've been struggling emotionally these last few weeks. It's been a combination of several things, all of which I believe are important to discuss in general and also share with you while I am sitting in these emotions.
These feelings are pretty familiar to me, as I usually reach this point at least once per pregnancy. I just feel down, depressed, unsupported and alone. I don't really know what factors into the actual timing of this - as I'm sure a lot of it really stems from the hormones that accompany pregnancy. And I don't mean clinical depression, but just feeling really down. (And I should also make it very clear that I never feel unsupported by my husband, who is always there for me in any and every way imaginable.)
With my first pregnancy, about halfway through or so, I felt VERY alone. Because I actually was. I wasn't working. I literally spent all of my days by myself, rarely interacting with other people, and I certainly didn't know any other moms or even anyone who was pregnant. Going from working world to stay-at-home world is a tough transition, I know! And I didn't even have a baby in my arms yet to use as an excuse to meet other moms. It was very lonely and even though I was LOVING pregnancy, I started to get very depressed. This is what pushed me to take up yoga, which was how I connected with our doula for Heidi's birth (which is still one of my favorite stories of how God has worked in my life) and ultimately start feeling more myself again.
What I didn't realize is that isolation during pregnancy can be just as hard (harder?) AFTER you already have kids. Everyone is busy. Everyone's lives are crazy, including your own. And you can't just pick up a 12:30 p.m. prenatal yoga class whenever you feel like connecting with other pregnant mamas, or go treat yourself to a mani/pedi or prenatal massage at 11:00 a.m. on a Tuesday. It's tough y'all. With the exception of 1-2 close friends and my husband, this pregnancy has felt much more lonely and a lot like my first pregnancy in that way, with the added factor that there's no time to focus on myself because my whole being revolves around all of these other tiny people.
I feel like I'm in this strange transitional phase of life right now - but what makes it weird is that I'm not quite sure what I'm transitioning from or to. Things just feel kind of up in the air and disconnected. "Things". Maybe that just means "me". (And please don't assume that I'm just nervous about adding another family member to our household because honestly, I'm REALLY not concerned with that transition at all - but that conversation is for another day.)
The other thing that's been different this pregnancy is how much sickness there has been throughout this house and with me. (Most recently a non-traditional UTI/bladder infection which resulted in MORE antibiotics being prescribed to me over a phone conversation - my THIRD round of antibiotics this pregnancy and fourth time to be on medication.) The sickness (between the kids and me) in itself has been very isolating, but has also opened my eyes to how our healthcare system (and the majority of practices) work. Even though I LOVE my doctor when I'm actually in the same room as her, it's nearly impossible to connect with her otherwise. The way our society's healthcare system is set up makes it so tough to get through to our actual healthcare providers. There are so many layers of "protection" surrounding doctors and it's the literal JOB of office staff, nurses, etc. to apply certain filters and handle situations so that the doctor doesn't "have to". (It is even this way with our kids' pediatrician!) The medical world has created a sieve to sift you through their system. So because of this, I have also (for the first time in my life) begun to feel the slightest twinge of doubt that I'm in the right place when it comes to my OBGYN. To even question that decision is very new and foreign and scary to me. (I have always had such positive experiences with the prenatal care through my OB as well as delivering my babies naturally in the hospital setting.) And while I don't feel like I'm unhappy enough or even in a place where I am just going to up and leave my OB to opt for a more personal and accessible healthcare model and experience (read: Birth Center/Midwife) I do still feel very stressed out at the thought of just looking into making such a huge change halfway through a pregnancy. I've listened to/read SO many birth stories where women did this and never looked back (and never once regretted their decision) and it scares me knowing that I could be able to relate personally with those stories/women. I still feel semi-committed to giving birth in a hospital, but there are truly a LOT of different routes to take if we DO actually decide to leave our "traditional" OB-only practice. The amount of time and research it would take to find the right fit sounds SO overwhelming and stressful to me and I already feel like I have no time to do so. To sum it up, it's not that I feel UNsupported by my OB, just not...totally supported by the system I guess? This pregnancy has just been much different in that way because I feel like I have needed MORE (medical) support than I have during past pregnancies. (I expand on all of our "sickness" and these feelings towards the traditional OB practice here if you're interested. It's not an exciting read but maybe it will help someone else out there who feels like they are the only one who shares these feelings.)
What I didn't realize is that isolation during pregnancy can be just as hard (harder?) AFTER you already have kids. Everyone is busy. Everyone's lives are crazy, including your own. And you can't just pick up a 12:30 p.m. prenatal yoga class whenever you feel like connecting with other pregnant mamas, or go treat yourself to a mani/pedi or prenatal massage at 11:00 a.m. on a Tuesday. It's tough y'all. With the exception of 1-2 close friends and my husband, this pregnancy has felt much more lonely and a lot like my first pregnancy in that way, with the added factor that there's no time to focus on myself because my whole being revolves around all of these other tiny people.
I feel like I'm in this strange transitional phase of life right now - but what makes it weird is that I'm not quite sure what I'm transitioning from or to. Things just feel kind of up in the air and disconnected. "Things". Maybe that just means "me". (And please don't assume that I'm just nervous about adding another family member to our household because honestly, I'm REALLY not concerned with that transition at all - but that conversation is for another day.)
The other thing that's been different this pregnancy is how much sickness there has been throughout this house and with me. (Most recently a non-traditional UTI/bladder infection which resulted in MORE antibiotics being prescribed to me over a phone conversation - my THIRD round of antibiotics this pregnancy and fourth time to be on medication.) The sickness (between the kids and me) in itself has been very isolating, but has also opened my eyes to how our healthcare system (and the majority of practices) work. Even though I LOVE my doctor when I'm actually in the same room as her, it's nearly impossible to connect with her otherwise. The way our society's healthcare system is set up makes it so tough to get through to our actual healthcare providers. There are so many layers of "protection" surrounding doctors and it's the literal JOB of office staff, nurses, etc. to apply certain filters and handle situations so that the doctor doesn't "have to". (It is even this way with our kids' pediatrician!) The medical world has created a sieve to sift you through their system. So because of this, I have also (for the first time in my life) begun to feel the slightest twinge of doubt that I'm in the right place when it comes to my OBGYN. To even question that decision is very new and foreign and scary to me. (I have always had such positive experiences with the prenatal care through my OB as well as delivering my babies naturally in the hospital setting.) And while I don't feel like I'm unhappy enough or even in a place where I am just going to up and leave my OB to opt for a more personal and accessible healthcare model and experience (read: Birth Center/Midwife) I do still feel very stressed out at the thought of just looking into making such a huge change halfway through a pregnancy. I've listened to/read SO many birth stories where women did this and never looked back (and never once regretted their decision) and it scares me knowing that I could be able to relate personally with those stories/women. I still feel semi-committed to giving birth in a hospital, but there are truly a LOT of different routes to take if we DO actually decide to leave our "traditional" OB-only practice. The amount of time and research it would take to find the right fit sounds SO overwhelming and stressful to me and I already feel like I have no time to do so. To sum it up, it's not that I feel UNsupported by my OB, just not...totally supported by the system I guess? This pregnancy has just been much different in that way because I feel like I have needed MORE (medical) support than I have during past pregnancies. (I expand on all of our "sickness" and these feelings towards the traditional OB practice here if you're interested. It's not an exciting read but maybe it will help someone else out there who feels like they are the only one who shares these feelings.)
All of these factors are contributing to this feeling that all sides of me are currently unsupported - medically, hormonally, personally. But the ONE thing that I have learned through feeling this way in the past is that it's for a reason. There is a reason that during pregnancy God pushes me to the point of feeling unsupported by anyone else and unable to support myself. It's because He has to re-teach me how to rely on Him alone. This is important for all Christians, but through pregnancy and birth and the creation of a new person I KNOW how crucial it is to know how to and be in a place where we rely on Him to be the number 1 source of support. For me, there's no other way to bring a baby into this world. No other way than through 100% reliance on Him and Him alone. He is preparing me for the actual act of giving birth and bringing a new life into this world.
So I know that these feelings aren't for nothing. They never have been before and I know they aren't now. It's still hard to sit in the sadness and negative emotions but knowing that He is with me through it (and knowing what is waiting at the finish line) helps me to recognize that at least it's worth it.
So I know that these feelings aren't for nothing. They never have been before and I know they aren't now. It's still hard to sit in the sadness and negative emotions but knowing that He is with me through it (and knowing what is waiting at the finish line) helps me to recognize that at least it's worth it.
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| This is what I look forward to and what I know I am being prepared for. Photo by Sarah McKenzie Photography |
